Leon: “How do you talk to people who don’t want to hear it?  When I give them feedback, they immediately get defensive.”

Me: “How do you start the meeting?”

Leon: “I say:  I need to give you some feedback.”

Me: “Any other way you start the conversation?”

Leon: “I might say:  What we’re doing isn’t working and we need to change.  Or I might say:  You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect it to work, that’s insanity.  Or I might say: “I’ve told you all this 3 times already but nothing’s happened.”

Leon: Sigh.  “I’m just so frustrated.  They’re just not open to anything.”

I know very, very, very few people you could walk up to and say any of these things to who would happily listen to you.  If you want to test how to make someone immediately defensive, just try walking up to someone and saying, “Is it okay if I give you some feedback?” 

Or if you’re really feeling adventurous, you could see what happens when you say, “You know, you really need to change.”  

The only other way I know to make them even more defensive is to say, “I don’t want you to get defensive when I tell you this …”  That’s guaranteed to create an instantly defensive reaction from even the nicest person.

On the other hand, it’s pretty easy to initiate challenging meetings and difficult conversations and get them rapidly rolling in a positive direction when you understand that the most powerful human motivating force is purpose.

Sean was one of several hundred employees in a division of a very large corporation. He reported to a Manager who reported to a Director who reported to the Vice President.  Sean “commanded” no one.

The Vice President issued a directive to Sean’s division that, after being in place for two weeks, was extremely unpopular within the ranks. Despite major grumbling, the division Managers told their people that they understood their frustration, but to try to deal with it best they could.

Sean was so bothered by this directive, he was seriously thinking of quitting a job he loved and looking for another one outside the company. 

Since he had just taken Causative Communication, he used what he learned to ask for a meeting with his Manager. It took COURAGE for Sean to approach her on this hot topic. 

As he suspected, the Manager knew people were unhappy, but it wasn't totally REAL to her how bad it actually was. It often happens that the other person has some idea of the situation, but it's just a glimpse and not the full force of it, it’s not as REAL to them as it is to everyone else.  They don’t really get it.

Carl was walking out the door.  Over his shoulder, walking away from me as he was talking, he was tossing off a goodbye, “Thanks a lot!  I’ll be in touch!” 

Carl had just completed an intensive 3-day Causative Communication class.  In just 2 sentences he had forgotten everything he learned.  His tossed-out comments sounded insincere, or at best, meaningless, just something you’re supposed to say because you’re leaving.

I said, “Carl, do you have another minute?”   He said, “Sure!”  Turned around and came back to me.

I said, “Carl, you’ve already lost everything you learned.”  

Carl looked thunderstruck.  He wasn’t expecting that. 

There was a long silence as he looked into my eyes.  I said nothing.  Then he said, “Oh wow.  You’re right.”

Then he said, “I can see I’m really going to need to deliberately and consciously practice this.” 

Knowing Carl’s commitment to becoming a truly great communicator, I told him what I’ve told many of my students: “If you really want to master communication and achieve its highest strata of excellence, you’ll need to apply what you learned in every conversation, every single day.”

Then Carl said what I’ve heard from many:  “I’ll keep practicing and it will become automatic.” 

No, it won’t.

And you don’t want it to.  That was the problem that Carl was already having.  Too many things on “automatic”. 

The members of the senior leadership team of a large Silicon Valley company were good people, they were just adversarial.  Facts were instantly disputed and ideas were challenged and criticized.  Their weekly meetings turned into antagonistic confrontations, they were unpleasant and rarely ended well.

The General Manager had a tendency to become overbearing and repeat himself to the point where the team tuned him out.

They were the kind of meetings that left you feeling bad for a couple of hours after they were done.

Two of the nine on the team attended a Causative Communication workshop.  Neither one of them was particularly liked or respected by the others (no one was) at the time they started the workshop.  Neither one had any authority relative to the others. What they did have going for them was an eagerness to create change.

In the next senior leadership meeting after the training, they both did something they’d never done before, that no one on the team had ever done before.