Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Holiday Family Survival Guide

The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays.  I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.

From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never.  It was not always the same person, we would rotate.

We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.

Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do.  If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.

That’s how it used to be.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
The one thing that can transform every ...

Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.

It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.

At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to change people without saying a word

Thanksgiving has inspired this article because Thanksgiving always reminds me how wonderful, even magical, affinity is.

Affinity is a feeling. It’s what you’re feeling about the other person, your emotional response to them. And very specifically, it’s how much you like them in that moment.

Affinity can fluctuate, even within one conversation. You can start out with low affinity and end up with high affinity. Or start high and go low.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to completely change the way people listen ...

“I’m now walking into meetings and making what I want happen. The first thing I noticed was that everyone started listening to me differently. Even my boss. Now people go quiet when I speak and genuinely listen, even my superiors. I hadn’t realized there are different kinds of listening. This is REALLY different. After that, it’s not hard.”

This broke all the rules considering where Agoston was on the corporate ladder. He was young, early in career and had no authority. But he spoke up at meetings, in hallways and conversations. His influence was growing daily. It wasn’t long before he was promoted and began rapidly moving up the organization.

Before he did the Causative Communication workshop, no one listened to him.

What made the difference for Agoston was mastering the skill of…

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Instead of persuading, try this...

The question, “What do I need to say to get the outcome I want?”  is a good question. Knowing the answer to it is essential to being causative.

The reason people experience difficulties when they’re looking at a situation through this lens is because they don’t realize that they’re skipping steps.

transforming your presentations

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The single word that can transform any presentation

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George helps sales people close big deals. His track record is impressive. On average, he saves them 30 to 40 hours per sales proposal.  His advice also increases their win rate by a wide margin.

George can look at a proposal or presentation in advance and with 100% accuracy tell you whether it will close the deal.

He has a very simple method. He has a computer algorithm which simply counts the number of times they use the word “YOU”. He compares that to the number of times the sales person mentions their own company.

Proposals where the prospect name is mentioned 10 times for every one time the sales person’s company is named (a ratio of 10:1) are a slam dunk and the deal is going to be closed.

Why is that? Is it because people are egotistical and they want it to be all about themselves? No.

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Transforming Henry: the worst communicator in the room

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Some people think you have to be “born with” the skills and charisma that make a really great public speaker.  Not true.  Let me tell you the story of Henry.

I was invited to give a two-hour talk on presentation skills at a technical conference for a highly specialized professional association.

At the banquet the night before my presentation, I told the President of the association, Steve, that I wanted to line up a volunteer to coach during my talk.  He asked what qualities I was looking for and I said, “Someone who really needs to improve in their presentation skills.” 

Steve enthusiastically told me Henry would be perfect and I said, “Let’s go meet him.”  Well, meet him I did.  Henry hardly took his eyes off the floor while we were talking, and for the brief moments they did come off the floor, they went straight to the ceiling or the wall on our right.  Turns out, Steve interpreted my request as, “Who is the absolute worst communicator in this group?”

Henry didn’t look like someone who liked to be told what to do. I told Henry, “You know, I’m going to be coaching you in front of 300 people.”  He glared at me for a brief moment and said, “What does THAT mean?”  I said, “I’m going to be telling you what to do and you’re going to have to do it.  Are you okay with that?”  He mulled it over a little (looking at the ceiling) and then said, “I guess that’s okay.”  Neither one of us was sure that it was, but with these words we locked in our next day’s destiny.

After Henry left, Steve said, “I hope you’re going to coach him on looking at people!” And then laughed for 2 minutes straight. 

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How to get the audience to “open up”

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I was watching Jed give a sales presentation. The faces of his audience were attentive and respectful.  They were also unsold.  Unmoved.

In other words, Jed’s ideas weren’t landing the way he wanted.

They were politely waiting for Jed to come to the end. They had probably already mentally formulated a polite way of telling him, “Thank you, we’ll consider it” as they gently ushered him out the door.

Jed had no idea why he was losing it, and he kept going. As Jed talked, he got visibly more and more enthusiastic as a way to pump energy into the meeting, which did nothing for his audience.

Jed knew something was wrong, but had no idea what it was.

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How to make stage fright go away

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I have seen innumerable methods for attempting to vanquish stage fright. 

Bianca addresses groups of 3,000 customers at a time.  She’s in sales.  Her way of coping with terror was to run out on a large stage with very loud music, seemingly all “pumped up” and yell at the crowd, “Hey!  How's everybody doing?”   It was about as far from her true personality as could be, and the second she started her presentation it was obvious she was tense nervous.

Peter found two people in the audience on either side of the room.   First, he talked to one, then he talked to the other.   They were the only 2 people he looked at. Anchoring on only 2 people didn’t handle his stage fright, but it kept him from totally losing it.

Risha is an engineer. She presents project updates to a skeptical and demanding senior leadership team.  Her solution was to avoid all eye contact because she didn’t want to see their disapproving looks, she forced herself to keep her eyes squarely fixed on her notes and her slides.

Lynette powered through her talks on pure nerves and adrenaline, and collapsed with exhaustion when they were over.

If any of these methods of handling stage fright worked, they wouldn't have it. 

What they’re all trying to do is drive their symptoms out of existence. The symptoms include every flavor and intensity of fear, from feeling slightly nervous and on edge to complete terror.

The reason these methods don't work is because they don't address the root cause of stage fright.  And most people have no idea what's causing it.

If you don't know what's causing it, how can you fix it?

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Do THIS to keep your audience on the edge of their seats

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Sam put them to sleep within the first 10 minutes of his 40-minute presentation.  He’s not alone in being able to do this.

The problem with corporate presentations is they’re lifeless.  Audiences slowly drown in a sea of droning boring corporate “they all look alike” PowerPoint presentations.

They all start with, “Today I’m going to talk to you a little bit about…”

Then they unroll a slowly moving parade of too many uninspired slides endlessly connected by unimaginative transitions of, “Now on my next slide you’ll see…”

If this is you, you’re gradually putting them to sleep. Your audience slowly, but politely, disengages. Their minds start drifting and they start covertly multitasking, their attention desperately seeing something to keep them awake. 

If they possibly can, your audience will start interrupting you.  I coached a VP last week who told me that when his people present to executives they always hear, “Okay, let’s stop here, stop presenting for a moment, just let me ask you some questions ….” and the execs just take over and drive the presentation into a ditch (as far as the presenter is concerned).

Here’s the thing to know about audiences: they only stay with you as long as they are learning from you, and what they’re learning must be new and interesting. 

I know, I know. The problem is you don’t have exciting content to work with.  You have, well, corporate presentation material. And, let’s face it, nobody’s ever made an action movie out of a corporate presentation. I understand your challenge.

But just because your material may seem boring, it does not mean that you have to be.

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When you hate seeing yourself on video

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“I hate seeing myself on video!  That person I see up there is not at all the person I want to be!!!”

I hear this all the time when I show my clients their first video at the start of their workshop.  It’s torture.

To see that person up there on the screen and feel powerless because it’s not who you want to be, and not even that person you know you are.

This is the struggle.  And it’s an incredibly important breakthrough when you are able to watch a video of yourself and love seeing yourself. 

Most people are not there.  What, and who, they are being is stiff, uncomfortable, disconnected.  And very unnatural. And they hate when they see themselves being this way.

By the same token, people don’t want to look the way many people look after they’ve done “speaker training”, like a speaker on steroids, overly pumped up, overly polished, over-rehearsed and scripted, performing not communicating.  That too is unnatural.

The worst part for people watching their first video is they don’t know what’s wrong.  They know there’s something wonderful trapped inside them, but when they get up to speak, it stays trapped.  This disturbs your confidence.  It disturbs your power. It disturbs your ability to be understood.

Being in a senior executive level position doesn’t alleviate this discomfort.  As a matter fact, it makes it worse, because there’s more “pressure to perform.” Your presentations are more visible and more widely critiqued.  Many senior executives dream of being free of presentation anxiety.

I’ve just described 80% of the people I see giving corporate presentations.  It’s so common, it passes for “normal”. 

But most people KNOW they’re capable of MUCH more.  Even if not one of them knows what’s wrong or how to get there.

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How to be the authority, even if the CEO is in the room

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Sam was about to enter the room to give his 3rd quarterly presentation to the Board of Directors of a $50 billion multinational corporation.

The presenter before him had 45 minutes and came in with 79 slides. No surprise, they ran over their time.  By the time Sam walked in they said, “Hurry up, come on in, we’re running late, let’s get started.”

Sam walked in thinking he’d find the same room he’d experienced in his two previous Board meeting presentations.  He was completely unprepared to find four times as many people in the room.

The person ushering Sam in was trying to move him to his seat very quickly. Sam started to ask a question, someone cut him off and said, “Let’s just get started, we’re running late.”

Sam felt off kilter, but started anyway, rushing, going a little too fast, talking too much, trying to get it all in, looking around, trying to find faces he knew to connect with in the crowd, feeling totally off.

A CEO of a major corporation, new on the Board, interrupted Sam and said, “I want to challenge one of the points you just made.” and asked Sam a somewhat hostile question.  Sam knew the answer, but he stumbled and was awkward. The CEO said, “That’s not a good enough answer, I need more specifics.”  Sam recovered somewhat and answered with more specifics. The CEO didn’t say anything, but he didn’t look satisfied either.

A week later Sam showed up for Executive Coaching with me and asked, “How should I have handled this? It was dreadful!”

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Your power to create deep human connection

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Sally: “I can’t!”

Kevin: “It’s really hard!”

Mark: “I feel totally uncomfortable doing it.”

Mary: “I’m afraid people are going to think I’m weird.”

Phillip: “I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.”

I’m only giving you five examples, but I have hundreds, and probably 30 from just this week alone.

What terrible thing have I asked these people to do?

Lately, I’ve been coaching a lot of executives, leaders and people in leadership development programs. These are competent, capable, strong, courageous professionals with proven track records.

And they struggle with this.

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The secret to creating an aura of success

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Kendra was giving a sales presentation to VIP prospects. She was explaining why her company would outperform the competition and why they were a better choice as a partner, even though they were newer and not as well-known. The message was powerful. She was saying things like, “We’re best at … We have the highest record of … No one can match our…”

Her words were well crafted and she was beautifully dressed. But her overall body language was unmistakably expressing a suppressed anxiety, a “I hope you believe me, I hope this works. Are you getting what I’m saying? Do you believe me?”  It was a bit tense, with a very slight nervousness.

The prospects were sitting there listening, no expressions on their faces. Kendra became progressively deflated as she went along, and then ended weakly with, “Well that about sums it up. Those are all of our strengths as a partner and we hope to do business with you.  Let me know if you have any questions.”

They chose the competitor.

When Kendra showed up for the Transforming Your Presentation Skills workshop, she explained to me that her company actually IS the best in the industry and why. It was clear she has a compelling story, and I mean really compelling.

Her delivery, on the other hand, inspired sympathy, not success.

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The day I helped an engineer perform a miracle

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I was part of the audience watching Louis present. The audience was listening, but unmoved. Louis could feel that and was suffering.

Until recently, his career had been focused on the engineering technology that was the core of his company’s success in the high-tech industry. He had now been promoted two levels up and his presentations were no longer to other engineers. They were now business presentations, not technical presentations. All the details that had made Louis an expert within the engineering community were uninteresting to his new audience of executives. Louis felt like a fish out of water. The senior executives he was presenting to looked and felt like a panel of cold, unresponsive strangers.

Louis had two goals when he began the Transforming Your Presentation Skills workshop, two skills he wanted to learn: how to keep his audience engaged and how to be persuasive. Louis felt both were impossible for him to ever achieve.

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You had me BEFORE “Hello”

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We've all heard the expression, “You had me at ‘Hello’.”  That sounds pretty good.  But when it comes to giving presentations, for a real winner that's way too late.  The really GREAT communicators will have you before they say “Hello”.

You see them standing there and, well BEFORE they ever say anything, you can SEE there's something different about them. 

Their poise, their dignity, their self-assuredness, their utter calm, make them stand out.

They don’t look like “normal” people.  They have presence.  They own the room.

It takes you in the audience only a split second to see all that.  Enough that you're intrigued, captivated, leaning forward a little to catch their words.

They have you well before, “Hello.”

This is the hallmark of a great communicator.

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