Carl was walking out the door. Over his shoulder, walking away from me as he was talking, he was tossing off a goodbye, “Thanks a lot! I’ll be in touch!”
Carl had just completed an intensive 3-day Causative Communication class. In just 2 sentences he had forgotten everything he learned. His tossed-out comments sounded insincere, or at best, meaningless, just something you’re supposed to say because you’re leaving.
I said, “Carl, do you have another minute?” He said, “Sure!” Turned around and came back to me.
I said, “Carl, you’ve already lost everything you learned.”
Carl looked thunderstruck. He wasn’t expecting that.
There was a long silence as he looked into my eyes. I said nothing. Then he said, “Oh wow. You’re right. I wasn’t at all ‘being there’ when I said that. No real affinity. No real intention. I didn’t look to see that you really got it. You’re right. I lost everything.”
Then he said, “I can see I’m really going to need to deliberately and consciously practice this.”
Knowing Carl’s commitment to becoming a truly great communicator, I told him what I’ve told many of my students: “If you really want to master communication and achieve its highest strata of excellence, you’ll need to apply what you learned in every conversation, every single day.”
Then Carl said what I’ve heard from many:
“I’ll keep practicing and it will become automatic.”
No, it won’t.
And you don’t want it to. That was the problem that Carl was already having. Too many things on “automatic”.
This is a short list of things people do on automatic:
Check their phones when other people are talking
Pretend to listen
Mindlessly chit-chat
Get defensive
Tune out when bored
Talk more than listen
Say things they don’t mean
Say “but” after they acknowledge (“I get your point, BUT …”)
Say, “Love ‘ya!” and make it sound cheap
Have you ever seen a marriage that’s gone “on automatic”? It’s sad. It’s empty. There’s none of the joy of the wedding day. They’ve checked out. “Automatic pilot” means, “I’m not there anymore”.
There is no joy “on automatic”. “Automatic” degrades communication, degrades relationships.
There IS joy in being authentic. Authentic means to be you. “Automatic” will never be authentic. It’s not you. It can’t be. Because you’re not there.
The opposite of “automatic” is being present, being in the moment, being conscious, being deliberate, being intentional, being in control.
It’s amazing how much intentional decision and practice people need to do to stably be and, most importantly, STAY in the moment.
Carl remembered everything. He reached over and took my hand, looked straight into my eyes, 100% with me. His eyes were focused only on me and were smiling. Then, with real intention Carl quietly, but with real intention, said, “Thank you so much for all you taught me this week. (Pause to let me absorb it) I will never forget it. (Pause to let me really feel it) And you can count on it that I will be in touch!” And he kept staying and looking at me, letting me absorb what he said.
It penetrated straight to my core.
I knew he meant it the first time he said it. But his communication while walking out the door was so sloppy, I knew if I didn’t say something, Carl would never go on to experience the wins with outstanding communication that he is now capable of.
Mindlessness destroys it. Mindlessness is just something people are used to. It’s “normal”. But mindlessness sabotages who you are and all you dream of being and creating.
Excellence in communication isn’t something you “save for important moments”. If you don’t practice in every conversation, your skills won’t be sharp when you need them. And if you DO practice in every conversation, you’ll never be caught off guard or fall short of your own standards and hopes of greatness because you weren’t on top of your game.
Communication excellence doesn’t ever go on automatic. And it never should. So, your goal shouldn’t ever be to make it automatic.
What communication excellence will do as you practice it, is become easy. It becomes natural. When it comes to greatness and excellence in communication, easy and natural ARE what you want. Never automatic.
There is no substitute for being in the moment. No substitute for real conscious awareness. For judgment. For sensitivity to right now. For making that real human connection you can only make when you are truly and fully present.
Every moment is a new moment. Every moment is the first moment of the rest of your life. A unique point in time that has never happened before. Living in the moment keeps you fresh and alive. When you live like that, when you act like that, when you communicate like that, you will have a skill that few possess.
Be the cause!