I received an email with a great question from someone who just started a new job at a new company. I decided to write about it because it’s one I’m frequently asked:
“As I leave my miserable experience of my old job, I wonder: had I been a better communicator, could I have turned around the situation with my boss? How responsible can we be about communication failures? Will great communication always positively impact the other person’s engagement? Or when do we need to walk away?”
The decision whether to walk away has to do with 2 factors: how much of a choice you feel you have and the cost of walking away.
If someone is being difficult and you can walk away and not deal with them, I'm all for it. If you can go around them, or above them or go somewhere else, why waste your energy dealing with a difficult person if you don’t have to?
I believe in looking for, working with and surrounding yourself with people who really understand you, support you, contribute to you, help you, inspire you, bring out the best in you. The more people in your life you have like this, the better.
I'm personally very quick to walk if there's no price associated with it.
But there are times you can't choose to end that relationship, even though you may be able to walk away for a couple hours.
Sometimes you have a difficult boss, but no other job. Until you find another job, you can't afford to walk. Sometimes it’s immediate family that you can’t leave. What do you do then?
You're the one who decides the cost of walking away. It’s never fun and hardly ever easy. So, most people don’t do it lightly.
What you don’t want, is feeling forced to do it when you don’t want to.
What I’ve seen is this: When people don’t possess a complete range of communication skills, they can easily end up feeling like they HAVE to walk away, or wishing they could, because they can't handle the situation.
The problem is, when you don't know how to change it, it’s easy to start thinking it can't be changed, that there’s nothing you can do to change it, that nothing you do will make a difference.
In other words, people hit their limit and feel like they have no other option but to walk.
It all has to do with your limits, precisely where they are. And that has everything to do with your communication skills. The situation doesn’t establish the limits. Your level of skill establishes your personal limits.
In other words, having a complete range of communication skills makes WAY more options available.
I see this with so many of my clients. They turn around situations that previously left them defeated. This is sweet.
One of my clients, Myla, is working for a wonderful company that has great people, a fabulous product, and a gorgeous mission statement. About a year ago, through a merger and acquisition, they were taken over by a group many in the organization referred to as “evil snakes”.
This new senior leadership team disrupted the entire organization. They got rid of, and demoted, good, competent people. They put their own inexperienced people in place. They didn't listen. They were arrogant. They proposed things that were ludicrous. They criticized everything that was good. They were condescending.
A number of good people left. You can understand why.
Myla didn't. She could have, but chose not to. Mainly because there were still a lot of good people left and she didn’t want to give up on the dream.
Myla’s not in a position of power, but she took it upon herself to transform the situation, not just for herself, but for everyone.
Her goal was to bring the new group and the existing organization into collaborative harmony, and to educate the new group in all that was good so they would fully appreciate and support, rather than destroy it.
While most in her organization viewed the new group as villains, Myla’s philosophy was not to villainize. Her philosophy now is that there are no limits when you’re capable of outstanding communication, that it will reach beyond all limits. She communicated freely, gently showing them the road to success.
It took Myla 90 days to accomplish this purpose, but she saw wins from the very beginning. Small ones at first, then larger and larger. Until there was a complete transformation.
The new group is no longer arrogant. They listen and defer to the experienced members of the organization with respect and admiration. The last email I got from her said they were working together as a "family”, that they have trust. She added, “It’s authentic trust.”
She didn't have the power, nor the position, officially to do this. She didn't have the authority, she didn't have permission, she didn’t initially even have anyone on her side. She didn't have anything except her own desire and her communication skills. She had to handle both sides of the fence.
I personally know what Myla’s done to develop these amazing communication skills. She worked hard to develop them, and even harder to strengthen them to the point where they stand up in a hurricane. When the hurricane hit, she was ready.
Myla communicated, listened, educated, enlightened, changed minds and created breakthroughs.
Myla now has the trust of everyone in the organization, including the C-suite, even though she’s not at that level.
Myla is recognized as possessing a value that has no borders, no limits. A value so great, she’s been invited to attend the most sensitive discussions at board meetings. She has responsibilities and scope in her job role now that are extraordinary considering the position she started from.
It's a great company again, everyone gets along, there's respect and harmony. They’re collaboratively accomplishing new goals, new missions. It's a great place to work again.
One person made that happen for everyone. All it takes is one. You.
That's what I mean by communication skill.
The word skill means a great ability to do. The more difficult the situation, the more skill it takes to turn it around. The more skill you have, the quicker the turnaround. When you have a full range of skills, the turnaround can happen almost overnight. The more skills you have, the wider your impact on the world.
I have been teaching this subject for 30 years and I have certainty there is no limit to our, to your, communication skills. I know what Myla did seems impossible. Once you have these skills solidly in place, you easily start to imagine the impossible.
As Myla told me, “If you don’t communicate well enough that you can choose what happens to you, then the organization chooses for you.” Communication skills set you free and put your destiny back in your own hands.
Be the cause!