“They won’t do what I want. How do I get them to do it?”
I’ve been asked this question a million times. It comes in many forms:
“I need to talk to my boss about my next promotion, but every time I talk to him he says it’s not a good time to make it happen and to come back in six months.”
“That team won’t give me any of their people to help support this project.”
“We just got reorganized and I’m reporting to the vice president, a person who should be reporting to me. I really should be reporting to the senior vice president directly.”
“The CEO won’t invest in the technology we need to stay competitive.”
“I’m on a new team and they’re treating me like I don’t know much, they’re giving me very low-level meaningless assignments.”
“I can’t get my son to fill out applications for college and I’m afraid he’s going to miss the deadlines.”
The question, “What do I need to say to get the outcome I want?” is a good question. Knowing the answer to it is essential to being causative.
The reason people experience difficulties when they’re looking at a situation through this lens is because they don’t realize that they’re skipping steps.
If you chase “getting them to do what I want,” it is likely you will generate a tremendous amount of resistance. When people feel you’re trying to get them to do something they don’t want to do, they fight you. It’s a natural human reaction.
People also naturally resist someone trying to get them to agree with something they don’t agree with. You see this in political discussions all the time.
I see impossible arguments start about politics with each person trying to get the other person to agree with them. Both sides end up just giving up and walking away.
The important thing here is to have the RIGHT objective. “Getting you to do what I want” and “Getting you to agree with me” clearly are not it.
What we teach here is the correct target for communication and is a key to great success.
What our students learn to focus on is the magic understanding creates. That becomes their main objective.
It can be tough for them at first. They’re so fixated on the outcome, it’s hard for them to switch focus. But let me tell you why it works.
When you focus on creating understanding, the other person STOPS fighting you. They go from being closed to what you’re saying to being open to hearing it. This looks like magic when it happens.
It can be as simple as starting the conversation with:
“I know you don’t agree. I’m not asking you to agree with me. I would just like to tell you what I’m thinking, and I would really love for you to simply understand. It’s actually very important to me, even if you don’t agree, that you really understand what I want to tell you. And I want to understand you perfectly too. I just want us to really understand each other.”
The natural reaction a person has to hearing this is to drop their defenses. It’s amazing how quickly and thoroughly their defenses drop when they think you are only asking for understanding. They usually say something like, “Sure I’m happy to understand you. I don’t agree, but I’m happy to listen and understand.”
The answer to that is, “No problem that you don’t agree. I just want you to understand.”
And then you will find them really listening and hearing you – often for the first time because NOW they’re open to you.
And then, if you continue the conversation following the Communication Formula, you’re using a process which guarantees tremendous understanding BOTH ways.
When you produce an abundance of understanding, magic happens all on its own. You actually don’t have to do too much. You’ll see a transformation happen before your eyes that will feel like and look like it happened effortlessly. You will not only come to an agreement, you’ll have an extraordinarily good feeling about each other and you’ll feel like you have a great relationship with this person.
I’ve seen this happen tens of thousands of times.
Persuading by building understanding is a new concept that very few people apply. There’s a natural human tendency to shortcut this and “try to get the other person to do what I want”.
I’ve told many groups to go talk to a person they needed to persuade who was difficult to persuade. The instruction was this: Instead of trying to persuade, this time focus 100% of your energy on creating and building understanding. Focus on making that understanding mutual. Build that understanding as high as you can. Don’t focus on anything else. No “selling”.
They never believe me when I tell them it will work. But they always come back and say it was the easiest, most effortless, most organic persuasion experience they’ve ever had. The wins they have exceed their expectations by a long mile.
I hear things like:
“I got the promotion effective immediately!”
“I got more resources than I even asked for!”
“I’m reporting to the Executive VP!”
“The CEO is totally on board with investing in the new technology!”
“My team has now put me in a leadership position!”
“My son filled out his applications for 6 colleges on time!”
Trying to get someone to do what you want is a dead-end road. If you see anyone doing that, know they have not yet discovered the secrets to being causative.
The magic of Causative Communication is knowing the real objective you need to achieve. It’s not to control them, it’s to understand them and to have them understand you.
Once that happens, everything is possible.
Be the cause!