Martin led an engineering team and, time after time, refused to collaborate with Prasant or give him any resources. This “difficult engineering leader”, as Prasant called him, was a “constant roadblock” in Prasant’s life.
Prasant normally likes everyone, but at this point, with an unbroken track of bad history, Prasant disliked Martin. Just knowing that Martin was going to be in the meeting was enough to set Prasant on edge.
Tuesday was the first day of the Causative Communication course. Prasant had just learned about affinity and the difference it makes to communication. He learned that he actually needed to feel it if he wanted to be successful, and that finding something to like about the other person was the key to feeling it.
That sounded “great in theory”, but Prasant said it was “impossible” for him to find anything to like about Martin. However, Prasant knew only too well that what he was doing wasn’t working. He’d reached the point of being willing to try anything.
After trying for five seconds, Prasant told me he couldn’t find anything to like about Martin. I told him to keep looking. He finally found something, and then something else, and then thought of something he actually admired about Martin. That’s when Prasant’s face changed.
Prasant got on the Tuesday evening call immediately after the first day of the class. Over 30 people were on the call. The cameras were off, so no one could see anyone. There was lots of interaction with Martin. Prasant kept focusing on those things he liked and admired about him as they spoke.
Halfway through the call, Prasant noticed Martin was sounding very different, more pleasant. To Prasant’s great surprise, this pleasantness kept increasing. The conversation got friendlier and friendlier.
Finally, near the end of the call, Prasant said, “So Martin, could we get your team to work on this?”
Martin quite enthusiastically said, “Sure, Prasant! No problem! We can do it!” And they created a plan. It all happened fast after that.
Prasant came to the class Wednesday morning stunned, but happy, and beaming. His smile went from ear to ear. He was bursting to tell the class.
After he described everything in detail, another student raised her hand and asked, “How could that have happened with the cameras off? No one could see you. How could Martin know you had affinity for him?”
Prasant said, “I honestly have no idea. But I did have it. And it worked.”
I told them, “That’s easy”.
When you have REAL affinity for someone, it not only changes EVERY muscle in your face and in your body, and ALL of your body language, it also imbues your tone of voice with an unmistakable quality. A quality people the world over recognize and respond to.
It’s the same if you don’t have affinity. People can hear it in your tone. They can tell. They KNOW. When you’re feeling real affinity, your voice is VERY different.
It’s amazing how sensitive people are to your level of affinity for them.
Even if you’re talking quietly, people can “read” your level of affinity for them in your tone of voice, and they read you loud and clear.
They respond to your tone WAY more than they respond to your words.
Most people don’t pay attention to the tone of their voice. They don’t “hear” themselves.
Your tone of voice has a HUGE impact on everything. It quite literally “sets the tone”. And that shapes the other person’s response to you. It sets the direction of your conversation and even the outcome.
You can start noticing this. When you are filled with affinity, your tone of voice is something wonderful to behold. And people will respond instantly.
Even though there were 30 other people on the call with Prasant and Martin, with the cameras off, with a long history of tension, affinity cut through and vanquished everything negative in its path. It’s that powerful.
It’s not what you’re thinking that makes the difference, it’s what you’re feeling. That’s not something you can fake. You need to feel it for real. It has to be genuine.
That’s what makes extraordinary outcomes possible.
Be the cause!