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Ayansh felt powerless. His promotion had put him in an extremely contentious engineering team. They didn’t discuss each other’s ideas, they shredded and destroyed them. No one listened. They were all sneering. Each one showing off how brilliant they could be, and the way to do that was to see the others go down in flames.
They were brilliant. But it was all being wasted.
Ayansh was new to the team but was already thinking about looking around for another job. He loved the work and hated the meetings.
Ayansh showed up for Causative Communication and when I asked him about his goals he said, “I don’t know if it’ll do any good where I am, but perhaps I’ll feel better, and it’ll help me interview for another job.”
Ayansh loved learning the Communication Formula, but made it clear to me that, “Ingrid, you say it will work in every situation and I admire your enthusiasm, but you have to be realistic that it can’t possibly work in every situation, and I think that’s okay. If it works in many of them, I’ll be happy. “
Well, after coaching countless numbers of students, I’m actually quite realistic. But I never argue with students, so I just smiled and told him I understood.
Ayansh did an awesome job mastering the Communication Formula. He practiced sufficiently to inspire his and my confidence, and we sent him back out into life and the real world.
During the workshop Ayansh had asked me, “I never participate in these crazy meetings. Do you think I should? I feel like I should. But I don’t want to jump in and get shredded.”
I told him that the easiest way to participate in this, or any meeting, is to really listen, I mean really, really listen when the others are talking, to understand them and the point they’re making, and with affinity to let them know with a simple but great acknowledgement that you really understand what they just said. You don’t have to do it with everything, but start somewhere and do it whenever you can. Believe me, it sounds too simple, but it’s extremely powerful.
Ayansh loved that idea and said, “I am totally going to try that!”
Three weeks later an email from Ayansh arrived:
“It’s unbelievable. I mean, I honestly can’t believe it. I went to the meetings, I found things I liked about each person. It actually wasn’t hard, I do like them individually outside of these meetings. I had a lot of affinity for each person.
“I did what you said and I really, really listened to what they said. And I didn’t acknowledge every single thing, but I occasionally started jumping in and letting people know that I really, and I mean really understood what they had just said. And then I just stopped and didn’t say anything else after that. Just waited for the next person to speak. THE most amazing thing happened.
“After I acknowledged someone, there was always a moment of complete silence right after. That had NEVER happened in any meeting before.
“And then somehow it was like someone was letting the steam out of the pressure cooker. It happened right after I got in there and let someone know I really understood the point they were making. It was like watching a miracle. So I did it more. The meeting gradually lost hostility and became quite amicable. I did that in about three meetings, and then ALL the meetings started to become more amicable, even at the start. We even started laughing.
“I was FLOORED. They started REALLY listening to each other and they started to acknowledge each other!
“Ingrid, these people have not taken the training! I couldn’t believe it. I am not in a leadership position in this group. I have absolutely NO power to influence them. And yet, everything about the team dynamics changed after I started doing it.
“I had to watch it for a couple of weeks to see if it continued before I wrote you. But it’s a completely different team. Everyone IS brilliant and they’re actually building on each other’s ideas now.
“It turns out that there was one guy who was causing all the trouble and was keeping everybody stirred up. He has become completely silent in the meetings. I don’t consider that a loss. I heard he’s unhappy and looking for another job. I don’t consider that a loss either. I don’t think anyone else does either.
“I never realized that one person could make a difference, and I never would’ve thought that person would be me.
“I can’t even put into words how good I feel. And I’m starting to think that maybe you are right, that the Communication Formula just might work in every situation. Thank you!”
I think the point here, and I think Ayansh made it really well, is that you can make a difference. A big one.
And that one person who understands what real communication is about can do what others consider impossible.
Ayansh never said he agreed. He only said he understood. Stop a moment and reflect on the power of understanding. It can change every relationship you have.
People always tell us that we teach them “small things that make a big difference.” These things aren’t small. They’re big. There’s nothing little about the joy they create.
They’re not small things. They’re big. And so are you.
Be the cause!