They came into our office the usual way. Day #1 of Causative Communication. Six executives in the high-tech industry. Busy people, distracted, way too much on their minds, grab a little plate of fruit, sit down, open up their laptops, try to get something done before the class starts, or frowning at their phones, faces slightly tense, swift agitated motions as they type, quick smiles at me that disappear fast as they glance back at what they’re working on.
I love them immediately. I look at each one individually and I see the beauty in each of them. Not in their furrowed faces, but the beauty of their spirits. Beauty is a funny word when you’re talking about a group that is mostly men, but their spirits are beautiful. It’s just overlaid with the constant undercurrent of uneasy restlessness prowling slightly below the surface that business people with crowded minds have surrendered to.
After we start, we go around the room for introductions and their goals for the class. One by one, they are each videoed. I put them in situations of their own choosing, realistic situations they actually face that create tension and anxiety for them, situations in which they get pushback, important situations each wants to learn how to handle. I’m firm in the pushback, but not unreasonable, not particularly difficult, just firm. They can’t get around me. Within four minutes they’ve each given up, I’ve won.
The first lesson of the day is that you can be right and still lose. You don’t lose because you’re wrong. You lose because your communication skills didn’t match the situation for you be able to create the outcome you want. By the end of the training, they’ll be invincible, but that’s 3 days away.
They’re all laughing now. They can all relate to each other’s situations. They’re all competent, capable, intelligent, wonderful people. Persistent even. But the communication skills they’re missing leave them stranded.
This happens in all the classes. Why? Because people don’t know the rules of communication. And if you don’t know the rules, it’s ridiculously easy to lose. You can lose and not know why, or come up with some “reason” that doesn’t give you a way to win. You walk away without the budget you need, without the extra headcount you need, without the raise or promotion, without the cooperation from the other team, without your boss’s support, without your teenager listening to you or your son opening up to you.
What this group of successful execs is going to learn in this class are the rules. Not the rules that I dreamed up, but the rules that are common to all human beings, crossing every border reaching every culture, every generation, rules that determine the winners and the losers, timeless rules deeply baked in to human nature, powerful rules that will still be active 500 years from now.
The first one they learn is unexpected. It’s foundational. They learn how being there comfortably sets a course for success. “Being there” means having ALL your attention fully in the moment, not thinking about anything else, not thinking ahead, not thinking behind, not thinking about ANYTHING, simply being aware and observing right now.
It’s the “not thinking” that presents the challenge. People discover that the “thinking” they’re doing is keeping them from really being there. And that keeps them from really CONNECTING with the other person. And without that human connection, communication devolves into just “talking at each other”.
They also learn that all that “thinking” churning in their minds is on automatic. Turning it off is hard at first. It’s not under their control.
Anything that is on “automatic” is keeping you from being causative because being causative requires you to be alert and in charge of yourself. Causative never goes on automatic. It’s in the moment and it’s deliberate.
Learning how to turn off all that frenzied, automatic “thinking” takes a little practice, but people discover that when they do, they’ve woken up to a brand new world called “in the moment”. And they like it. It’s liberating.
Next the execs learn how to be comfortable. Believe it or not, learning how to be comfortable is one of the most challenging lessons for people today. Until they start doing the exercise to learn HOW to be comfortable, they’re not even aware that they’re going through life without ever being fully comfortable. Having a little bit of tension and a little bit of anxiety is so “normal”, they they live it every day and never question it.
Comfortable means being completely at ease, completely free of anxiety or worry, being completely relaxed. When you look this word up in the dictionary, you discover that being comfortable also means being filled with the sense of well-being.
Take a moment while you’re reading this right now, look up for a moment, get completely relaxed, get completely comfortable and get the sense of being filled with well-being. See if you can do it.
Imagine feeling this way all the time, even in situations you consider difficult.
People are used to letting the situation or the other person determine how they feel. I hear it all the time. “This situation makes me uncomfortable.” “This person makes me uncomfortable.” “This meeting makes me uncomfortable.” “Talking about this topic makes me uncomfortable.” “Public speaking makes me uncomfortable.” “Knowing how much I have to do makes me uncomfortable.”
The second you say something or someone makes you uncomfortable, or makes you feel a certain way, you have given up being causative. You’re allowing the situation, the person, the meeting, the topic, the something else, cause how you feel, and as a result, cause the outcome as well. You are not causing it, something else is. You’re the effect, not the cause.
In Causative Communication, you learn how to cause ALL the elements of real communication, including your own feelings of well-being.
I guided the 8 execs through the exercise to learn how to be there comfortably. At the end of it, as it does for all students, their faces have completely changed. All of their body language has completely transformed. Their faces have smoothed out, they look relaxed, unworried. They have a completely different presence.
Comfort and a sense of well-being and real presence radiates from each of them, permeates the room, and influences every other person when they look at them. It actually makes other people smile.
It’s always amazing how even ONE person feeling this way has such a dramatic impact on everyone in the room, everyone around them. It always does. I hear this from students all the time. “I was the calm in the storm.” “I made everyone comfortable.” “They all became calm and we had a much better conversation, it was amazing.” “They started treating me like an expert.” “They listened to me.” This foundational ability is extraordinary in its results and it’s reliable.
The execs learn some other skills, and at the end of the first day we do another video. There’s much more training they’ll get, but we want to see the difference it already makes to be there comfortably when you approach someone for a difficult conversation.
We watch a little bit of their first video, and then we watch this second video and compare.
It’s impressive. There’s a dramatic difference in the way they approach me. It changes the way they look. It changes the way they sound and the way they present their point of view. I haven’t even coached them on their words, but the words have completely changed. That always happens when you’re truly being there comfortably.
Just being there comfortably, just this alone, makes every one of them much more compelling.
It actually makes it difficult for me to give them pushback. Being in front of them makes me automatically smile as it fills me with such a sense of well-being. It releases all of the optimism, willingness and generosity that automatically makes any person WAY more open to them. It sets the foundation for true cooperation. It’s HARD to not listen to them. It’s HARD not to want to cooperate with them. They’re already winning. I know this is how others in the “real world” will respond to them as well.
They are all smiling when they see their second video. They LIKE how they look and sound, how compelling they are. And they’re giving each other LOTS of positive feedback.
This way of communicating is not just something you “think about”. It’s not an intellectual exercise. It’s something you DO. It takes your whole being.
While it might feel very different at first, you can be sure you’ll get back way more than you ever even dreamed about or hoped for.
Spend some time with rule number one, be there comfortably, and experience the power of something that SEEMS so simple, but is extremely powerful.
Be the cause!