Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Holiday Family Survival Guide

The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays.  I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.

From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never.  It was not always the same person, we would rotate.

We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.

Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do.  If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.

That’s how it used to be.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
The one thing that can transform every ...

Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.

It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.

At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to change people without saying a word

Thanksgiving has inspired this article because Thanksgiving always reminds me how wonderful, even magical, affinity is.

Affinity is a feeling. It’s what you’re feeling about the other person, your emotional response to them. And very specifically, it’s how much you like them in that moment.

Affinity can fluctuate, even within one conversation. You can start out with low affinity and end up with high affinity. Or start high and go low.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to completely change the way people listen ...

“I’m now walking into meetings and making what I want happen. The first thing I noticed was that everyone started listening to me differently. Even my boss. Now people go quiet when I speak and genuinely listen, even my superiors. I hadn’t realized there are different kinds of listening. This is REALLY different. After that, it’s not hard.”

This broke all the rules considering where Agoston was on the corporate ladder. He was young, early in career and had no authority. But he spoke up at meetings, in hallways and conversations. His influence was growing daily. It wasn’t long before he was promoted and began rapidly moving up the organization.

Before he did the Causative Communication workshop, no one listened to him.

What made the difference for Agoston was mastering the skill of…

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Instead of persuading, try this...

The question, “What do I need to say to get the outcome I want?”  is a good question. Knowing the answer to it is essential to being causative.

The reason people experience difficulties when they’re looking at a situation through this lens is because they don’t realize that they’re skipping steps.

presentations

Independence and the secret to being causative

Worrying about what others are going to think, fear of their reaction, being excessively careful not to ruffle feathers … All of these cripple communication.

I can't tell you how many times clients come to me and say, “I just have to put up with it for now because I don’t want to shake things up right now. I’m just going to let it go for now.” And they suppress their own communication and chance for success. “For now” turns into a very long time.

If you need everyone to agree before you stand up to speak, you’ll never make anything happen.

Becoming more attractive

Most people don't know how to truly connect with others as themselves. There's always something holding them back, some self-consciousness, a feeling something is “missing”, or something they put between themselves and others to protect them.

Often this is manifested when you see presenters trying to connect with their audience through their PowerPoint slides. You can see the trouble they would have if you took the slides away from them. They’d feel exposed, vulnerable, unsure.

Whether it’s slides, a beautiful body, or some attitude a person assumes because they think it makes them impressive, it doesn’t make any difference. The REAL skill is connecting directly as yourself.

How to transform a meeting

Ayansh felt powerless. His promotion had put him in an extremely contentious engineering team. They didn’t discuss each other’s ideas, they shredded and destroyed them. No one listened. They were all sneering. Each one showing off how brilliant they could be, and the way to do that was to see the others go down in flames.

They were brilliant. But it was all being wasted.

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So good they won't interrupt you

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Imagine being in a really good movie. Would you interrupt what’s happening on the screen? Never! You would never let anyone else interrupt either until it’s over.

The audience only gets restless and starts to talk, or wants to do something else, when what’s happening in front of them doesn’t hold their interest.

The right question to ask yourself is, “What does it take to be uninterruptible? What does it take to be so good, everyone wants to hear everything I have to say? How do I keep them totally captivated from my first word to my last?”

When do you give up on someone? That’s something only you can answer, but when the answer to this question affects tens of thousands of people, it’s worth pushing the limits of not giving up.

I’ve seen communication succeed despite all odds, and this is where REAL skill comes in.

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How to get the audience to “open up”

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I was watching Jed give a sales presentation. The faces of his audience were attentive and respectful.  They were also unsold.  Unmoved.

In other words, Jed’s ideas weren’t landing the way he wanted.

They were politely waiting for Jed to come to the end. They had probably already mentally formulated a polite way of telling him, “Thank you, we’ll consider it” as they gently ushered him out the door.

Jed had no idea why he was losing it, and he kept going. As Jed talked, he got visibly more and more enthusiastic as a way to pump energy into the meeting, which did nothing for his audience.

Jed knew something was wrong, but had no idea what it was.

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How to make stage fright go away

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I have seen innumerable methods for attempting to vanquish stage fright. 

Bianca addresses groups of 3,000 customers at a time.  She’s in sales.  Her way of coping with terror was to run out on a large stage with very loud music, seemingly all “pumped up” and yell at the crowd, “Hey!  How's everybody doing?”   It was about as far from her true personality as could be, and the second she started her presentation it was obvious she was tense nervous.

Peter found two people in the audience on either side of the room.   First, he talked to one, then he talked to the other.   They were the only 2 people he looked at. Anchoring on only 2 people didn’t handle his stage fright, but it kept him from totally losing it.

Risha is an engineer. She presents project updates to a skeptical and demanding senior leadership team.  Her solution was to avoid all eye contact because she didn’t want to see their disapproving looks, she forced herself to keep her eyes squarely fixed on her notes and her slides.

Lynette powered through her talks on pure nerves and adrenaline, and collapsed with exhaustion when they were over.

If any of these methods of handling stage fright worked, they wouldn't have it. 

What they’re all trying to do is drive their symptoms out of existence. The symptoms include every flavor and intensity of fear, from feeling slightly nervous and on edge to complete terror.

The reason these methods don't work is because they don't address the root cause of stage fright.  And most people have no idea what's causing it.

If you don't know what's causing it, how can you fix it?

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Do THIS to keep your audience on the edge of their seats

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Sam put them to sleep within the first 10 minutes of his 40-minute presentation.  He’s not alone in being able to do this.

The problem with corporate presentations is they’re lifeless.  Audiences slowly drown in a sea of droning boring corporate “they all look alike” PowerPoint presentations.

They all start with, “Today I’m going to talk to you a little bit about…”

Then they unroll a slowly moving parade of too many uninspired slides endlessly connected by unimaginative transitions of, “Now on my next slide you’ll see…”

If this is you, you’re gradually putting them to sleep. Your audience slowly, but politely, disengages. Their minds start drifting and they start covertly multitasking, their attention desperately seeing something to keep them awake. 

If they possibly can, your audience will start interrupting you.  I coached a VP last week who told me that when his people present to executives they always hear, “Okay, let’s stop here, stop presenting for a moment, just let me ask you some questions ….” and the execs just take over and drive the presentation into a ditch (as far as the presenter is concerned).

Here’s the thing to know about audiences: they only stay with you as long as they are learning from you, and what they’re learning must be new and interesting. 

I know, I know. The problem is you don’t have exciting content to work with.  You have, well, corporate presentation material. And, let’s face it, nobody’s ever made an action movie out of a corporate presentation. I understand your challenge.

But just because your material may seem boring, it does not mean that you have to be.

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Your Presentation Mojo

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I’ve been delivering tons of virtual and in-person presentation skills workshops and coaching.  Extraordinary executives, brilliant engineers, top sales professionals, fascinating attorneys, individual contributors, early in career, the complete spectrum of corporate life.

They’re dynamic, charming, funny, warm, open, personable …. that is, until the workshop starts.

Then they each take turns giving their 1st presentation, before any coaching.

Suddenly life, personality and charisma drains out of them, they become very corporate.  Very businesslike, deadpan.   Dry data, cautiously stated conclusions, serious, matter-of-fact, completely restrained and inhibited self-expression.  Conservative. Suddenly it’s SERIOUS.

I remember a student I had a couple years ago who, when I asked her to tell me her goals for the workshop said, "I want to get my Mojo back. I used to have Mojo and somehow I lost it." Such a good goal!!!

When your Mojo’s working, you’re feeling GOOD.  And the audience can’t help but feel good too, and absolutely love you.

It has nothing to do with content.  Nothing at all to do with WHAT you’re talking about.

It has everything to do with YOU.

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Why "trendy terminology" destroys communication

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I was watching a video of a live presentation by Mark, the CEO of a major corporation with more than 40,000 employees.  Mark was visibly and painfully uncomfortable.  Worse yet, he was making a fool of himself.

Mark had heard about me and reached out with a request that I coach him on his presentation skills.  He had his Chief of Staff send me a couple of his recent videos to watch in advance “to see what he’s doing wrong”. 

Mark knew something was clearly wrong.  In our initial conversation, Mark told me, “The more feedback I get, the worse I’m getting.  I need someone to straighten this out for me.  I may not be the best public speaker in the world, but there’s no reason I need to be the worst.”

I started our first coaching session wanting to understand what was going on in his mind. I asked Mark, “What were you trying to do up there?”

Mark answered, “I’ve been given feedback that as a CEO I need to be vulnerable, and that I also need to be more passionate. That’s what I was trying to do.” 

I asked, “What does that mean?  Vulnerable and passionate?”

Mark looked at me, and with great pain in his eyes said, “I have no idea.”

Well, there you go.  Mark was trying really hard to execute something that was completely incomprehensible and confusing.

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Activating your power to inspire

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Alan has been giving “All-Hands” presentations to the 1500 people that report to him. His organization has over 80,000 people. They’re currently getting hammered in the news. The company has been struggling, trying to recover from mistakes made by the then-CEO five years ago.  Unfortunately, they’ve just had to announce layoffs.  There’s a tremendous amount of re-organization and re-shuffling happening. Where people will land is up in the air.  The future of the organization is uncertain and morale is at an all-time low.

Alan’s group has been the only one that’s been inspired. Why are they inspired? In the midst of all this, there is one reason only:  Alan is inspiring them.

This wasn’t always the case.

When Alan came to me for coaching, his desperate “pep talks” had been falling flat.  Alan said, “If I don’t inspire them, I’ve lost them. I need them inspired, aligned, engaged, and enthusiastic. I know it’s impossible, but I need them to stop listening to the news, to tune out what’s happening in the rest of the organization and focus on what we need to be doing.  I haven’t been able to get them to see it, but I know we can make a difference.”

That’s a difficult assignment when the only conversation in the halls is the latest trash in the news, who got laid off, who’s afraid of getting laid off, how all the “good people” are leaving, the shattered trust in management and loss of faith in the vision.

Alan wanted to be MORE than just understood.  That wasn’t enough.  He wanted to inspire. Many people who come to me for coaching want that.

It’s an important ability for a leader to have, at any time.

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How to sound authentic

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Victor says, “I want to sound authentic.”

What a funny request. I started laughing before I caught his serious look and stopped myself.

I asked him, “Are you saying you’re not authentic, but you want to sound like you are?”

Victor: “No, that’s not it. I think I’m authentic.”

But he didn’t sound sure.

Me: “Then what’s the problem?”

Victor: “I just don’t think I sound it. And I don’t know why.”

In a flash, I took in everything about Victor, and I understood.

It started when Victor was little and in school.

Authentic means being who you are, being genuine, true, in opposition to that which is false, fictitious or counterfeit, in other words “put on” to create an appearance.

When Victor was little, I’m sure he had no trouble being authentic. No 2-year old does.

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The secret to keeping your audience on the edge of their seats

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Here’s the thing to know about audiences: they will only stay with you as long as they are learning.

I know, I know. The problem is you don’t have exciting content to work with. You have, well, corporate presentation material. And, let’s face it, nobody’s ever made an action movie out of a corporate presentation. I know your challenge. I get it.

But just because the material may seem boring, does not mean that you have to be.

This is something you can do with your own presentations to keep your audience on the edge of their seats. I’m going to tell you how a professional keeps their audience engaged.

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Waking up to your audience

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I said, “Here, watch me.” And then I took George’s slide and presented it exactly the way he was doing it.

I asked, “What do you think about that?”

George, “It’s really awful.”

I said, “Now watch this.”

I presented using the exact same words, but differently this time.

Me: “What did I change?”

George: “Everything! Your body language, your tone of voice, you were leaning in, you sounded more passionate, your hand gestures, your eye contact. You were compelling, you were engaging. It was impactful, the first one didn’t feel like it had much meaning.”

I told George I only changed ONE thing. Only one. Everything that George observed were byproducts of the one thing I changed.

I asked, “Do you have any idea what that one thing was that I changed?”

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The magic of muscle memory

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For two years, Jason had been in his home office, in front of a computer monitor not more than 2.5 feet from him. The camera was close up, and everything was within arm’s reach and easily under his direct control.

Today, his presentation was “direct to camera”. The only live audience was the crew. And they weren’t paying attention. They were running around, moving equipment, ignoring Jason.

Jason scoped out the room one last time. Located the main camera, boldly connected with it and told the crew, “Hit it.”

He looked directly into the camera and smiled, an irrepressible, irresistible smile. He brought forth all of his warm, eye-twinkling charm and charisma and said, “Hi. Thank you for being here. Let me tell you what I want to talk to you about today.”

The reviews of Jason’s talk from his worldwide audience were enthusiastically positive. Employees felt drawn in, they were captivated, inspired, engaged and they really liked listening to him. The Communications Department is suddenly getting requests for “More Jason presentations please!”

I was reviewing the recording with Jason afterward and he revealed the secret to his success.

“Muscle memory.”

The two-letter secret to making your audience love you

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Matt, an executive I’m coaching, recently gave an all-hands presentation to the employees who report to him, an audience of 750.  He received 100% 5-star reviews for his talk. Amazing.

When I congratulated him, he said, “Well, it was an easy audience.”

I couldn’t stop laughing.

I asked him, “Isn’t this the same audience that about six months ago was giving you a whole lot of 3’s and a bunch of 1’s and 2’s?”

He thought about it for a moment, and said, “Oh yeah! They were doing that, weren’t they?”

It was the same audience.

What this shows is it doesn’t matter what your starting point is.  Whatever it is, you don’t have to be stuck there.  You can develop your skills to the point where the audience gives you 5-star reviews.

What was the big difference in Matt’s presentations?

There were many. We covered a lot of ground during the six months of regular coaching. But let me talk about one of the most important things that happened during our work together:

Matt went from talking at his audience to talking to them.

You wouldn’t think that a couple of simple two-letter words would have such a profound impact, but they make all the difference when it comes to the foundation of your presentation ability.

At means in the direction of.

To means so as to arrive.

You don’t go at New York. You go to New York. It’s a destination, a point you reach.  You ARRIVE. 

You don’t look to a wall. You look at a wall.  In the direction of.  You don’t arrive there.

Big difference.

Most people are talking at their audiences. Their audience is a wall.  They’re just talking in their direction.

These presenters don’t have their ideas or messages actually arrive.  And they suffer the consequences.

What you’re doing in a presentation is getting an idea from your mind over to the minds of your audience. If you just project it in their direction, it will not arrive.

It takes deliberate awareness, intention and skill on your part to get it to arrive.

Matt’s message didn’t change.  Matt’s audience didn’t change.

Matt started talking TO them.  This woke them up and they got it.  Matt’s ratings completely changed.

Developing this skill to the level that Matt did takes focused work best done in a coaching-type environment where you’re getting real feedback.

The good news is that you can take the first few steps on this journey all by yourself, starting right now.

Here’s how:

This week, notice when you’re talking at, and switch gears and talk to them.  Get your idea to arrive.

See how this simple change makes you focus your attention and intention. See the extra power that it gives you.

Be the cause!

Presenting to skeptics

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Mara’s first “practice run” of her presentation in the workshop rubbed everyone the wrong way. She was too forceful.  And her voice had an edge to it. 

I asked her what she was doing and Mara said, “My audience is somewhat closed to what I’m presenting. This is a big deal and I need to persuade them.  A lot’s riding on it.”

Mara’s story highlights the importance of being able to communicate effectively with someone you anticipate will be closed or skeptical.  Especially when a lot is riding on it.

When you allow yourself to focus your attention on the expected skepticism, it changes you.  You are now talking to their skepticism, not to them.  You start to resist the other person.  You may even feel you need to overcome their skepticism. 

The kiss of death is when you start to feel the need to convince.

This is guaranteed to bring out the worst in you.

Many people are not able to “be there” comfortably and face a person or group they assume will be closed or skeptical.

Receptive means willing to receive or accept.

You create receptivity.

Whether your audience is 1 or 100, you have no chance of opening them up and making them receptive unless you can be there comfortably and face them. 

The ability to comfortably face another person is one of the highest communication skills there is.  There are a thousand ways to run away from it.

One person wrote me that her boss is really difficult to communicate with, and so she imagined she was talking to her cat while she looked at and talked into the camera during their virtual meetings.  She said that really helped her.

Well, okay.  I can imagine that it would be more comfortable than thinking she was talking to a boss she didn’t like, but it’s a long way from being aware of the real person who IS there, a long way from being able to be comfortable, and face them in the moment, with the full power of your awareness.

In Mara’s case, it was even worse.  People create anxieties and problems, and make it difficult for themselves to face others, when they anticipate what’s going to happen, rather than being in the moment. 

In the corporate world I live in, people are constantly anticipating.  This keeps them on edge, slightly anxious.  Rarely in the moment. 

When you worry someone will be closed, skeptical, stubborn, or any of a hundred other adjectives, you’re anticipating.

That anticipation alone is enough to change you, to make you try to convince, resist or overcome.  This only makes the other person wary, closed, skeptical or stubborn.

Only when you are fully in the moment and aware are other outcomes possible.  The truly positive outcomes.  The happy transformations.

In other words, you will be most creative, most powerful, when you are in the moment.

That’s what Mara did with her real audience (which was about as closed, skeptical and stubborn as they come).  She emailed me this morning:

“We had this morning the meeting and it REALLY worked! I kept looking into the camera and had a very relaxed voice and they fully opened up… we had phenomenal interaction and are having a next meeting and I have all required information we need to make that successful!  THANK YOU!!!”

Notice your conversations this week…

How much of the time are you anticipating what’s going to happen?

See if you can stop the mental noise and just be in the moment with that person or group.  See if you can sustain it throughout your meeting or conversation. 

Get ready to be surprised.

Let me know what happens.

Be the cause!

Activating new channels of awareness

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Last week, I wrote about Carla whose virtual audience during the workshop completely changed as she gave her presentation.

Their faces in the little squares on the screen went from coldly severe to eyes shining with intense interest and some unbelievably warm smiles.

I heard from many of you when I asked for your thoughts on how Carla created that.  Carla faced a challenge that many in the world of virtual presentations face.  And few have mastered.  This can help you.

Putting yourself in Carla’s shoes, the difficulty is that when you look into the camera lens, you don’t SEE an audience.  And, if your audience is skeptical like Carla’s was, when you look at the computer screen, all you see is a wall of unconvinced faces.

In other words, you’ll get no encouragement from cold machinery or from an icy audience.  Especially at the beginning of your presentation.

Everything must come from you.

Not easy in this environment.  Talking directly to the camera lens is necessary, but it throws many people.  They freeze up.  They’re stripped of all that makes them comfortable in conversation.  It feels like “no one is there.”  No one to connect with. 

That becomes reality.  An ugly one. 

Being causative is all about creating the reality you want.  About transforming the “reality” in front of you into the highest ideal you can envision.  Creating a new reality.  The one you want.

Carla took one audience reality, one audience experience, and created another one, a completely different one.  The one she wanted.

Here’s what you need to know:

Just because you can’t see the audience, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.  They ARE there.  They ARE real people.  And they WILL respond like real people when you become someone they can connect with.

Your first step in this transformation is to move from “needing to see them” to simply KNOWING they are there.

It has to be real to you that they are there.  They have to be real to you AS PEOPLE.

Otherwise you’re just going to be talking, but you won’t be talking TO anyone. 

You’ll talk too fast, you’ll be disconnected, they’ll be disengaged and you won’t reach them.

Even beyond that, you need to be aware of them as you talk.

Effective communication is all about awareness.

Even through all the virtual machinery, people can tell whether you’re aware of them or whether your mind is somewhere else. 

They can tell whether you’re self-conscious, overly aware of yourself, whether your attention is consumed by anxiety, or making sure you cover all your material, or trying to remember what you want to say next.  All of these lose the audience.

The people in your audience can tell exactly how aware of them you are.

When you are aware of them, it greatly perks up their attention and they tune in.  They get interested.  They engage.  First with their minds.  Then with their eyes.  Then with their smiles and their words.

It all starts with your ability to really BE there and be aware of the person or persons in front of you. 

Stop telling yourself that you “need to see” them.  You are perfectly capable of being aware of them.  They are there.  Start KNOWING they are there.  Start opening up your other channels of awareness.

Notice your conversations this week.  See if you can stop the mental noise and just be fully aware and in the moment with that person.

When you can do that, you’ll get a glimpse of the power you have to impact others.

Let me know how it goes!

Be the cause!

The quickest way to warm-up a cold & skeptical audience

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Carla was practicing her presentation in a recent Mastering Virtual Presentations workshop.  The audience was a grid of cold squares arranged across the computer screen.  Faces grim, mouths turned down at the corners, flat, dead eyes.  A detached virtual audience, completely unmoved by Carla’s words.

Three minutes later, Carla presented again.

She offered the very same presentation, with the very same words, to the very same audience.

Everything was the same.

Everything except the results. Those were very different.

This time the audience was leaning forward, looking at their screens with love.  Smiling.  And several of them were smiling so big, you could see dimples. Their eyes were glowing with interest and affinity.

I took screenshots of both audiences and when Carla asked me, “How did I do?”  I showed her both of the dramatically different screen shots of the exact same audience.

What changed that audience in less than three minutes?

Imagination.

Carla’s imagination.  

For you, it would be your imagination.

Here’s what happened.  I was helping Carla prepare for a very large presentation she’ll be giving this month.  It’s not large in terms of number of people.  There will only be 5-10 people in her audience. But it’s for a contract that’s worth billions of dollars.  Competition is fierce. Carla’s competitors are way ahead in the industry. Carla’s company is a new player. Some of the features she’ll be presenting are unproven.

Carla told me before I started coaching her, “They’re going to be very skeptical end closed-minded.”

After the first time she gave her presentation, the one to the very frosty audience I described above, I asked Carla, “What were you imagining about your audience?” 

Carla said that, as she was speaking, in her mind’s eye she could see the face of the most skeptical and closed-minded person in the audience that she knew would be there.

And that’s exactly what she got.  Her audience was grim, cold like statues. Their faces totally skeptical. Closed-minded.  Not sold.

Then I told Carla to look into the camera lens and imagine a person who really got what she was trying to tell them, who really got how good her product is and who was thinking, “I really want that. I love what she’s saying. I’d love to work with a fresh player.  It’s perfect.”

It took her a moment, but Carla did it.  And I took a screenshot of that audience as she was speaking.  Same people. Completely different audience.

Leaning forward.  Connecting.  Completely engaged.  Intense interest.  Warm smiles and great warmth in their eyes.

I would show you the screenshots, but it would be a complete violation of privacy, not to mention the non-disclosure agreement I signed!  But trust me, it was a dramatic night and day transformation.

Can you figure it out?   Carla said the same words.  Why did the audience transform?

Tell me what you think.  I’ll dive deeper into this next week.

Be the cause!

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