Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Holiday Family Survival Guide

The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays.  I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.

From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never.  It was not always the same person, we would rotate.

We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.

Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do.  If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.

That’s how it used to be.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
The one thing that can transform every ...

Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.

It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.

At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to change people without saying a word

Thanksgiving has inspired this article because Thanksgiving always reminds me how wonderful, even magical, affinity is.

Affinity is a feeling. It’s what you’re feeling about the other person, your emotional response to them. And very specifically, it’s how much you like them in that moment.

Affinity can fluctuate, even within one conversation. You can start out with low affinity and end up with high affinity. Or start high and go low.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to completely change the way people listen ...

“I’m now walking into meetings and making what I want happen. The first thing I noticed was that everyone started listening to me differently. Even my boss. Now people go quiet when I speak and genuinely listen, even my superiors. I hadn’t realized there are different kinds of listening. This is REALLY different. After that, it’s not hard.”

This broke all the rules considering where Agoston was on the corporate ladder. He was young, early in career and had no authority. But he spoke up at meetings, in hallways and conversations. His influence was growing daily. It wasn’t long before he was promoted and began rapidly moving up the organization.

Before he did the Causative Communication workshop, no one listened to him.

What made the difference for Agoston was mastering the skill of…

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Instead of persuading, try this...

The question, “What do I need to say to get the outcome I want?”  is a good question. Knowing the answer to it is essential to being causative.

The reason people experience difficulties when they’re looking at a situation through this lens is because they don’t realize that they’re skipping steps.

Beyond Persuasion

Leaving “persuading” behind for something that works

Frank: “I thought when I got the title, everyone would listen to me. But I’ve never been so frustrated in all my life.”

Frank is a Fellow in one of Silicon Valley’s largest high-tech companies.  “Fellow” is an extremely prestigious and the most senior title one can achieve in a scientific or engineering career. Fellows are the geniuses behind the inventions we all enjoy. 

So far, Frank’s scientific and engineering breakthroughs had made his organization over $42 billion as new products he dreamed into existence rolled out to eager customers around the world.  He should have been someone everyone listened to.

The problem Frank was having, however, was happening full blown in frustrating meetings with the senior leadership team. No one was listening to him. Led by a new CEO, the company was now going in a direction that Frank saw was never going to be viable.

Frank: “The company is going off a cliff.”

The people making the decisions did not have the technological expertise to understand why they were headed for a disaster. The new CEO got his technical advice from The Wall Street Journal. If it wasn’t in his morning paper, he dismissed it.

Frank’s problem was that he was SO smart, and knew so much, he was at a complete loss for how to explain complex technology principles to people who didn’t even understand the basics.

What made it worse was that Frank knew the technology advance that would save them and lead the company rather quickly into a new realm of innovation, consumer joy and market leadership. But when Frank tried to explain it all to the senior leadership team, their eyes glazed over. They told him, “No time, no budget, and very risky.”

Being the smartest guy in the room was excruciatingly painful.

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The magic of trading in small problems for big problems

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Susan was sent to me by her boss. She is a very competent Senior Director and they want to prepare her to become a Vice President.

The Senior Vice President told me that what is holding Susan back is that, “She doesn’t have enough executive presence and she doesn’t come across like a leader. She is very confident in what she does, but she doesn’t have that leadership quality and that executive presence needed at the senior level.”

It turns out Susan was terrified of communication. Especially with her peers, the other Senior Directors, who intimidated her. Even worse with people higher up. When she faced an upcoming meeting, Susan was stressed solid the whole week leading up to it and did not sleep at all the night before.

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“They” want me to…

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Jennifer: “They’re only giving me two minutes in front of senior leadership to present this big idea! TWO minutes! I need your help! How do you present this in two minutes?”

Me: “Let’s take a step back. What do you really need?”

Jennifer: “I need 20 minutes!”

Me: “Good.  Why don’t we work on how to successfully communicate so that you get the 20 minutes?”

Jennifer: “Oh my gosh, could I do that?  That’s what I really want!”

Brad: “I’ve been waiting for this promotion for so long and I went to talk to my boss about it and he wants to give me a stretch assignment that has nothing to do with where my career is headed. I feel like I’m going backwards and being seriously delayed. And I’m going to be heading up a team that’s dysfunctional!  How do I convince them to get this project done, and do it fast so I can get this stretch assignment over and get back on track?”

Me: “How about if we develop the skills you need to get your boss to see that there’s a better idea than the stretch assignment and that is to promote you to vice president?”

Brad: “Oh, wow! Could we do that? That’s what I really want!”

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times, in my coaching sessions, I help a person achieve, NOT the goal they initially state, but the real goal they actually have.

Moral of the story: To be truly causative you need to make sure you are working on the goal you want to achieve, not a goal someone has given you. 

This is how people sacrifice their integrity and their basic purpose, bit by bit, until they are running under someone else’s control.  It never goes well.

These are tricky situations that take a lot of skill. Getting others to agree with you.  Getting others to change direction.  Getting others enthusiastic about cooperating with you.

People think that when they rise to positions of authority, they’ll have more control. The opposite is true:  When you have more control, you will rise to a position of authority.

You don’t need authority.  You need skills. 

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Living the magical life of an expert communicator

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Jesse is used to doing the impossible. He just applied for a position that everyone told him he couldn’t get.  He’s been told many times that “usually” people need to “prove” themselves for several years before they’re considered for these higher levels. 

 Jesse long ago decided that “usually” was not for him.

 He applied for the position … and got it.  Right away too, I might add.

 Jesse has gotten every position he’s applied for in the last 5 years, and there have been a good number.  Many more than “usual”.  His career is on the fast track.

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The communication secret of high-powered corporate attorneys...

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I was inspired to write this article after attending the very moving Graduation for a group of 26 corporate attorneys who participated in our intensive 10-month professional development program.  The purpose of this program is the achievement of superior communication skills.  It includes developing Coaches who provide carefully crafted personal mentoring throughout the 10 months.  Students apply what they’re learning to challenging situations and demonstrate their ability to create extraordinary results through outstanding communication.

These attorneys are great communicators to begin with. 

However, to say they stepped out of their “comfort zone” to participate in this program is the understatement of understatements. 

The exhilaration both Coaches and participants experienced by the end can hardly be captured in words. 

One graduation requirement is for each participant to make a 2-minute video describing their journey, to talk about what they learned.

They gained a long, long list of new skills.  In their videos, they each talk about the particular ways in which they use them.  Each participant is very unique, has their own individual brand and accomplishments.  And so, it was with some surprise to hear every single one of them highlight the same particular skill that they said they especially valued, one that had a particularly memorable impact on their relationships and their successes…

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Communicating up...even when there's resistance

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The company was in trouble. Wall Street was unhappy. The normally optimistic CEO was tense and tight-lipped during media interviews.

Daniel was watching his CEO on the news with a tight feeling in his stomach. Daniel’s been with the organization for almost 20 years and most of them had been energizing and fulfilling. However and unfortunately, the previous CEO had made significant errors in predicting the direction of technology, and they were paying for it now.

The organization wasn’t a ship you could turn around overnight.

Daniel could easily get a clear concept of the CEO’s vision. It was a good one, a strategy Daniel could believe in, get behind and, with the clever work of his team, help make happen faster and better.

It required radical change, but Daniel saw a clear path for making the CEO’s vision a reality.

The problem was, Daniel had no access to the CEO.

Between Daniel and the CEO are three levels of management. The level right above him had the strategy of a dinosaur, which was, “Don’t change anything”.

This brick wall of “We know best”, and stubborn resistance to new ideas, blocked Daniel from the man with the vision, a vision that was not penetrating down into the organization.

When you're not the CEO and still want people to listen to you

It was one of those days where Gayle wished she were the CEO and could simply tell people, “Just go do it!” and not have to argue with anyone.

Gayle had been trying to get her organization to rapidly act on an opportunity for a new market with the potential for billions in revenue. Sure it was risky, but they were in the middle of a business downturn that wasn’t pretty, and this very possibly could get them out of it. If she could only get them to LISTEN!

They were not only NOT listening to Gayle, they didn’t even want to hear anymore. “We’re done with that, Gayle” was the message she was getting.

For many years now, people have been coming to me because they want to learn how to “persuade”. Over and over I hear, “I need to learn how to ‘persuade’ them.”

I don’t know if you realize this, but there are THOUSANDS of books and classes on “persuasion”.

Basically, “persuade” means get you to do something you don’t want to do, or get you to believe something you don’t believe.

This is why no one likes to be persuaded. And this is why persuasion is not a smart route if you want to achieve extraordinary outcomes.

So, if not “persuasion”, what is it that you really need to learn?

Beyond Persuasion

To “persuade” means: to convince, to satisfy the mind, subdue the opposition of the mind, lead to the opinion or conclusion presented, make one think or believe, successfully achieve the acceptance or practice of, create agreement.

It comes from the Latin persuadere - to bring over by talking.

Persuasion is something many people want to accomplish. It’s something they wish they were really good at.

The problem is that what most people think is “persuasion”, doesn’t work. And what they try to do to “persuade” someone who doesn’t want to be persuaded, doesn’t work.

The act of “persuasion” renders you powerless. And that is exactly how you feel when you’re trying to “persuade” – powerless.

Ultimately, “persuasion” betrays a lack of power and little understanding about how to achieve desired outcomes with ease.

What does that look like?

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