The decision every great speaker must make

“Now, everybody look handsome!”

These words were tradition, Duke Ellington’s final command to his band backstage right before they walked out front together to face an audience and begin one of their legendary performances.

They lived on the road, the tiresome road, bedraggled nights spent far from home in lousy cheap hotel rooms, food on the road more rotten than good, each night a new restless crowd of unknown strangers.

“Now, everybody look handsome!”

And they did.

Duke Ellington.  For over forty years he was one of the most loved and longest lasting of America’s star performers.  He made a real performer out of everyone who played with him.  Some of them heroin junkies, and even they performed brilliantly under Duke’s command.  Musicians who left his band often came back because only Duke knew how to dazzlingly bring out the full glory of the music they felt inside them, to showcase their personal performances like brilliant diamonds on black velvet to loving audiences.

When it came to audiences, Duke Ellington had genius.  

Duke Ellington knew how you face an audience.

You don’t face them with doubts about yourself.

You don’t face them with doubts about your ability to create. 

You don’t face them with questions about your ability to deliver an outstanding audience experience, about your ability to craft an experience they’ll be glad they came for, an experience they’ll remember.

There’s a decision every great performer, presenter or public speaker must make:

It’s the decision about who you want to be.

Duke Ellington made that decision easy for every member of his band.  He made the decision for them:  You are a handsome and outstanding musician.  For the women:  You are a beauty and your song will penetrate their hearts like a hot knife through butter.  There were no other options when you worked with Duke. 

He commanded it.  He demanded it.  He gave them a last look that said, “Be it.”  They did, and then a split second later they were on.

And audiences loved them. The world over.  They loved Duke.  They loved his band.  They loved his singers.  They bought all his albums.  They sold out his concert halls. For over 40 years.

Skip the angst. Skip the doubt. Skip the self-criticism. Skip trying to find out what’s wrong with you. Skip thinking about how unprepared you are. Skip wondering how you’ll do. Skip being afraid.

Handsome is an attitude.  Beautiful is an attitude.  It’s a decision.  Your decision.  It’s a command you give yourself.  It’s how you carry yourself.

Look handsome.  Look beautiful.

Be the genius, be the great artist that you are.

Be the cause!

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Disarming hostility with words

One afternoon I received a call from the City of Berkeley, a charming little city right next door to the one where I work. The person calling asked, “Would you like to give back to the community?”  I said I would love to.

He told me that there was a group of teenagers who were in an “alternative program”.  They needed to learn communication skills and would I teach them for free?  I said, “Sure.”

Then he told me they had all been charged with violent crimes with weapons and were now in a program that was an alternative to prison to help them learn how to deal with life so they wouldn’t resort to more violence.

The City felt communication skills should be a big part of what they needed to learn.  I said, “Absolutely”, I was happy to help.  I donated a series of Saturday mornings.

On the first Saturday morning, I arrived at the office and they were outside waiting for me. 17 large, much larger than me, and sullen.  Eyes filled with resentful distrust. They filed inside the training room and sat down, refusing to make eye contact, looking around the walls, at the floor and out the window. Acting like they couldn’t hear me.

It was easy to see none of them wanted to be there. I quickly figured out they must have been told, “You can do this program or you can go to jail.  And you have to do this communication training as part of the program.”  I started to laugh because I was suddenly struck by the thought, “Well, given the choice, I really am better than jail.”

They weren’t in prison, but they had the sullen faces and defiant eyes of prisoners.  And now they were my prisoners.

I wasn’t in a rush.  My eyes took them all in.  They were from a part of Berkeley I had never seen.  They weren’t from the tree-lined neighborhoods, nor were they from 4th Street where so many charming shops are.  No, they lived in a world I had never encountered.  A world I knew nothing about.

How do you cross from one world into another?

I said, “Communication is about how people exchange ideas.  There’s nothing more powerful than an idea, your idea.  But only if it’s effectively communicated.” 

“I’m going to teach a communications course now. People tell me it’s pretty good. That does not mean that you’re going to like it.”

“I only teach people who want to learn. It’s perfectly okay with me if you don’t. If you’re not interested, feel free to take off.  Or you can check out the rest of the office or hang out outside.   Out back there’s a large deck and a grapefruit tree with a lot of grapefruit on it. The grapefruit are really good if you like grapefruit. Feel free to take some grapefruit with you when you go.”

“I only want the people to stay in the room who really want to learn about communication. The rest of you should feel free to leave or wander around.”

I honestly thought they would all get up and go.  About half the class left.  I went around the room with the ones who stayed and found out what each had done to get them into the program. Pretty scary stuff.  

I began to understand their world.  And I understood them.  Then I started to teach them.  In their language, for their world.  And I began to teach them my language.  And a new world.

It went well.

The next Saturday, the whole class was back. Turns out the ones who stayed told the others they had to come back, “and learn this stuff”. It was funny because there was one girl who literally dragged this really huge guy into the room by the ear, sat him down in the chair and sternly poked her finger at him and told him to pay attention saying, “You need this!” She kept him in line.

It was funny, they actually kept each other in line. When one of them started to act up, the others would get on them and tell them to pay attention.

Anyone who’s had coaching with me knows my students do a series of challenging drills or exercises that demand tremendous communication competence.

I put these kids through the toughest of drills.  Their communication skills needed to match up to the world they lived in, a world that cut them down every chance it got.  I demanded more, got more and only passed them on a drill when their ability was stable and would hold up to and penetrate the fierce violence they faced every night.  It was a lot of practice.  Scenario after scenario.

In this way, they developed some heavy-duty communication skills, one skill at a time, with me challenging, challenging, challenging.  We did this until they could get their ideas across and make themselves understood.  Until they could understand others.  Until they could confront and disarm hostility with communication alone.

As we went on, they treated me with more respect than I usually get from a typical corporate audience. When you earn their respect, it’s powerful.  They treated me like a queen.  They really made me feel special.

Then, the funniest thing happened. The class would be over around 12 PM and I would go to my desk to work on my weekly admin.  And they would hang around, cleaning the place. They would straighten chairs, empty trash, pick grapefruit up from the ground and put it into bowls (laughing here – turns out they hated grapefruit and never took any home after the first time they tried it).  They put order back into the place.

They liked the space.  They took care of it.  They hung out and would occasionally wander into my office to talk to me.  They asked a lot of questions.

We soon finished the series of training sessions and came upon their graduation. They were walking out as people who could handle the world around them, their world, with communication, as skilled communicators. There was a feeling between us that’s impossible to put into words.  Respect, admiration, love.  And, most important, hope.  There was hope in their eyes.  I wished them well.  We were all a little sad.

Then, a couple of weeks later, to my surprise, they started showing up again.  I would be working in my office and they would come around. They would clean up around the place, straighten things up, pick grapefruit.  Sometimes they would wander over to tell me something.  Sometimes they would just hang out.  I loved listening to them chatting, talking, good naturedly teasing each other, laughing.  Their voices created a music that only the voice of friendship creates. It was a completely different tone than the first time.  They were doing well.

As far as I know, none of them ever got into trouble again.  My purpose was to help them live out what C.S. Lewis meant when he wrote:  Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. 

I know that the ability to communicate gives people that chance.

Our two worlds could not have been more different. The first time we looked into each other’s eyes, we were looking into very strange territory for each of us.

What united us was a hard-won understanding.

Only understanding enables us to cross into another’s world, and for them to cross over into ours.  And only communication enables us to build that bridge to cross.

Once we crossed over, we found ways to help each other.  It’s help that seals the deal in any relationship.  It’s help that builds our strongest relationships.

I helped them.  They helped me.

Understanding and then help.

I started this series with an article about How to Melt Resistance.  It’s clear that understanding is the key.  It’s always the key.  And it’s communication that makes that key turn in the lock.

You can fight.  Or you can communicate.

You can fight.  Or you can help.

They taught me as much as I taught them.  They understood me as much as I understood them.  They helped me as much as I helped them.

I don’t know if I gave back to my community. 

I do know that we became community.  A beautiful one.

Communication, understanding and help.

Be the cause!

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Mastering the outcome before the outcome

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been writing a series about what real listening and acknowledgements are all about.  The emails I’m getting from readers as they put these ideas into action are nothing short of celebrations.

 I’m also still getting emails from people who think the reason I recommend this approach is because it “works”.  Well, it does “work”. But I want to give new definition to what “works” means.

“Works” to most people means getting the outcome they want.  

My definition of “works” is simple.  “Works” means I’ve reached a tremendous understanding between me and the other person.

Yes, I am outcome-driven and others are never misled or unclear about the outcome I want. 

But what I MOST want from a conversation or meeting is a real depth of understanding to flow between us. 

I simply believe in and value the magic of understanding.  It’s what drives me.  When that happens, the outcome takes on a life of its own and it’s always good.

But my definition of understanding is frequently much deeper than most people’s.

I’ve heard others say, “We understand each other, we just don’t agree.”  But I can tell from their tone that they’re missing that great feeling REAL understanding brings.  They haven’t gotten the other person to fully understand them and they don’t understand the other person sufficiently to feel REALLY good. Real understanding results in feeling REALLY good.  You can check your own feelings to see how good you feel.

Agreement is a byproduct of incredible understanding. The outcome you achieve is also a byproduct of understanding.  When you know this, you can focus on making happen what’s really important.

And then you can create profoundly excellent, beautiful communication between you and the other person that results in real understanding.

That is such a beautiful outcome in its own right.  The outcome before the outcome.

Yes, it’s true that when you have another person thus engaged, you can persuade them.  Their minds are open.  And so is yours.  And so, good outcomes happen.

When you step back and study the natural laws that apply to all human beings, to all humanity, it becomes clear that what really creates agreement is the depth of understanding you create.

I see often how people distract others from really understanding them.   They’re filled with anxiety, they’re tense, uncomfortable.  They overwhelm others with details.  They’re demanding, forceful, their affinity is too low.  They’re not clear.  They’re not listening so no one listens to them.  They’re not acknowledging others’ point of view and so others get resentful.

I don’t have room in one article to list all the mistakes people make.  They are TRYING to be understood.  They are TRYING to understand.  But unknowingly they put barriers in their own path and then don’t know how to overcome them.

They stop SHORT of achieving the depth of understanding I’m talking about.  And then they’re unhappy about the “outcome”.

When you really learn how to express yourself, and how to respond extremely well to what others say, they relax and begin to understand you, they become open.  It looks like a miracle.  It is.

This week try this:  Pick a conversation.  Go for a deeper level of understanding.  Make THAT your “outcome”.  Wait for the magic.

Tell me about it.

Next week I’m going to tell you a story of something people said “couldn’t be done.”  And it was.  Way better than expected.  With understanding. 

Be the cause!

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My meeting with 22 hostile faces

22 pairs of arms folded in hostility and grim faces filled with resentment faced me, waiting for me to speak. And I didn’t even know their names yet.

I was helping a global organization implement our performance improvement program in 23 countries.  I was in France. The 22 facing me were senior union leaders and representatives. They were fighting the program because they thought it threatened their power position within the organization.

Management was tired of dealing with them. They were just going to force the program in on the organization despite the defiance.  My programs don’t work that way. So management sent me in to talk to them.

The 22 faces I was looking at made their position abundantly clear.

I don’t speak French and spoke through a translator.  I looked directly at them one at a time and spoke slowly.  I stopped frequently so the translator only translated a little at a time.  It gave the 22 union leaders a moment to fully absorb each sentence.  I watched their faces while the translator was speaking.

Last week, I wrote about the power two words have to transform.  In this situation, two words would not have been enough.  This article is about a time when a lot more words were needed.

Here’s what I said to this group:

“I know you hate this program.  I can understand that. And I can understand why. You weren’t consulted and it’s being forced on you. It looks like just another program management devised for their own benefit, as a way to manipulate you and exploit the workforce and take advantage of you. You represent the workforce and your job is to protect them from anything devious such as this. Your job is to stop something like this from being forced on the workforce.”

“You don’t like me already. You’re pissed at management because they didn’t come themselves to talk to you, that they sent me. You’re pissed because I don’t even work for the company. I’m an outsider.  You don’t like me because I’m American.  It irritates you that I don’t speak French. You hate having to talk through a translator. You don’t like that I’ve never worked in a union, that I have no union experience.  You think that makes me completely unqualified to talk to you. And you don’t like the fact that I’m a woman.  You think I know nothing.

“You don’t want to hear what I have to say. You want to crush this program into oblivion.  You just want me to take my stupid program, go back to America and leave you alone.

“I totally understand that.”

“And I totally understand why you feel that way.” 

“It makes perfect sense to me.”

“I really get it.”

After I finished, there was a long moment of silence.   

Then I repeated, “I totally get it.”  Translator translated.

Silence.  We watched each other.

They were very still.

I could tell something had changed.  There was a different level of interest in their eyes.  Suspicious, but less hostile.

If you’ve been reading my recent series of articles, you know that what I did was acknowledge them.

However, they hadn’t said anything yet.  So how could I acknowledge them when they hadn’t yet spoken? 

Simple. 

They were speaking to me with their eyes, their faces, their posture.  I’m not stupid. I knew what they were saying with their eyes.

As I was speaking and seeing the change in their eyes, I could see I was right.

Then I said:

“I’m not here to sell you on the program. I’m not here to make you do it. I’m here to understand what’s important to you and to give you as much information as you would like so you can decide whether or not you want to do it.  I’ve already made it clear to management that I refuse to implement it unless you really want it. It will be your decision. Management doesn’t agree with me, but they actually can’t do anything about that because they can’t make me do it.”

They looked at me a little puzzled. There was change happening.

Then I said, “I want to hear all about it. Tell me everything you think.”

One at a time they started talking.  At the beginning, each one was absolutely filled with bitter resentment. There was a good bit of yelling.  I listened for probably two hours.

Each time one person finished talking I let them know that, of course, I could totally see why they felt that way.

It was true. I could easily take their point of view and see it.  I would have hated me too.

If you’re unable to see it from the other person’s point of view, you will never be able to communicate with them.  It’s required in communication.

It’s not required that you agree with them, but it is required that you see life from their point of view.  That you see it as if you were them.

The mood changed as they talked.  At one point someone cracked a joke and we all laughed.  It got friendlier. 

I kept asking them if there was more they wanted to say until I could tell they were really satisfied they’d said everything.  It was time for lunch.

It was surprising to me that they invited me to join them for lunch.  That hadn’t been planned.   And then they were very solicitous and concerned about making sure I liked my lunch, almost like I was a treasured guest, the way they took care of me while we were eating, making sure I got enough to eat, making sure I enjoyed my lunch, asking me what I was planning to sightsee while I was in France.  It was surreal.  I felt like I was visiting friends.

Then we got back to the meeting.

I asked if there was anything else they wanted to say and they thought about it and said they felt that they had really said everything and that I understood.  They said they wanted to hear what I had to say about it.

Their faces were receptive and friendly. So I told them about the program. They frequently interrupted me. I welcomed each interruption and invited more. And I kept letting them know I could really understand their point of view.  It really isn’t hard once you understand.

This went on all afternoon. I told them that was enough for one day and we would resume in the morning. They could think about it, talk about it with each other in the morning and I would come back to discuss it further with them in the afternoon. Then they would make their decision.

They said, “Fine.” 

Then they all wanted to know what I planned to do for dinner.  They got into a heated debate about which restaurant I should go to, all made different and passionate recommendations, a couple of them invited me to their houses, I felt like a treasured guest.  We said goodbye like friends.

The next day we went back-and-forth with ideas.  We were having a real dialogue.  They asked questions.  They raised legitimate objections and I incorporated their concerns into how the program would roll out. There really didn’t seem to me to be any problem that we couldn’t solve.  They were not presenting me with any demands that were unreasonable, they were all completely reasonable.  They were most definitely listening to me.  Treating me like an expert even.  Warm eyes.

They started to tailor my program to what they wanted to get out of it and it took on a beautiful shape and life of its own that I could never have imagined before talking with them.

I actually fell in love with all of them.  I have a beautiful photograph from that trip where we are all jammed together in the conference room and they are surrounding me with these gorgeous smiling faces and we all have our arms around each other. You could tell we were having fun.

So, they rolled out the program and, no surprise, their metrics were amazing.  They owned it.  With pride they beat every other country location other than Denmark.  Then, on their own, they started rolling it out to other parts of the organization.

I do want to digress and tell you, that at the beginning, when they were all yelling at me, I thought it was absolutely fabulous to be yelled at in passionate French.  I quite liked it.  There’s something about that language that is extraordinary. 

Sometimes an acknowledgement only needs to be two words: “I understand”.  And sometimes it’s a WHOLE lot more and takes a whole lot more words to demonstrate you really do understand.  It takes real perception, understanding and judgment to know the difference.

The look in their eyes is the only guide you’ll ever need.  Their eyes will tell you whether your acknowledgement was good enough, or whether they need more.

But don’t ever forget – the words are superficial window dressing.  What REALLY matters is that at that moment, you are filled with pure, genuine, 24-karat understanding in its purity.  Don’t add anything to that.  Just see the world exactly as if you WERE them.

We’ve focused a lot on listening.  For this week, focus on acknowledging – really letting them know you understand and making sure they’re satisfied with your acknowledgement, that their eyes aren’t asking you for more.

Just be prepared for real magic when you do this. You might not believe your eyes at first. But keep going with it.

You will never be the same once you experience, for yourself, the power of truly acknowledging another human being.

Be the cause!

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The two most powerful words in any language

Fred burst in like a tornado 15 minutes late for the workshop, disrupting the flow.

“Sorry I had to be late,” he said.  His voice carried no tone of apology.

Then he went on to explain that “they” were mandating that he take this workshop. But as an SVP with great experience, he’d already taken thousands of workshops “just like this one” and didn’t feel like it was “a good use” of his time.

Then he sat back and waited for my reaction.

I simply said, “I understand.”

His eyes searched my face.  But all they found was understanding.  Why?  

Because I understood.

He looked at me disbelievingly, waiting for more.  Waiting for argument. Waiting for disagreement. Waiting for me to defend what I was doing.  Waiting for me to “sell” him on the benefits of the workshop. 

I simply said, “Let me tell you what we’re working on.  I’m coaching each person individually.  You can observe to start and then decide if you’d like me to coach you.   You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, feel free to multi-task or take off whenever you want.”

Then I went back to where we had been, working with the other VPs and SVPs in the workshop.

I coached each one and then it was his turn.

I asked him, “Is there anything you’re interested in learning?”

By this time, he’d seen some miracles with the others and he said, “Yes, whatever you think it is I need to learn.”

So I told him what abilities he needed to develop and started to coach him as he practiced.

He completely changed.  He turned into the nicest guy.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had anyone more attentive or studious.  He worked hard, even harder than the others.  He was respectful towards me.  Almost like it was sacred.  He did well.

At the end of the workshop he asked me, “So what’s next? What’s our next step?”

I said, “We’re done for this workshop, that’s all they’ve scheduled.  If you’d like additional coaching, just let me know.”  And he said he did want more.

It was a beautiful rapport between us.

Do you see the trap I didn’t fall into?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been publishing a series of articles . Articles about having conversations with people who are defensive, stubborn, not open to your ideas. (Read series from the beginning - The secret to melting resistance...)

We’ve been focusing on listening, something that’s often done poorly. There’s a lot of pretend listening and pretend understanding going on that would never produce the result REAL listening and understanding create.

I’ve been talking about the importance of suspending your own point of view while you listen and creating the outcome of really pure listening: you fully understand life from the other person’s point of view. 

Just as when you’re talking, you want them to fully understand life from your point of view.

Understanding is magic.

The word understand comes from an old English word understandan which literally means stand in the midst of.

This means that, for a moment, you are standing in the midst of their reality. Their reality SURROUNDS you.  Imagine that for a moment.

It’s not shallow.  It’s not superficial.  It’s not quick so you can get to your point.

It’s immersive.  It saturates your being.  It’s deep.  It penetrates your awareness. 

Once you do that, and your understanding is complete, and BEFORE you shift over to your own point of view, to expressing your ideas, it’s important to let them know you understand.

The two most powerful words in any language, when they are genuinely, sincerely spoken, are, “I understand.”

HOWEVER, they’re only powerful if they’re true.

They’re said many times a day with no understanding, no affinity, and this is reflected immediately, instantly in an inevitably and unmistakably dismissive tone of voice.

The other person can tell by your tone of voice exactly how much you understand them. And no number of words can convince them otherwise.

When someone’s talking to you, what they really want, more than anything in the world, is for you to receive their communication.  And what they long for is for you to understand it.  To stand in the midst of it with your whole being. 

The trap I did not step into with Fred was this:

After he said what he said at the start, I simply moved forward in the conversation toward my goal without making him wrong, without pushing back, without making myself “right” or making the workshop “right”.

I skipped it.  

I listened. I understood.

I really do understand. I’ve been imprisoned in many classes I didn’t want to take, in high school and many in college. It was painful.  Believe me, if there’s one person who understands the agony of sitting through a class you don’t want to take, it is me.  I felt for him.  I knew how awful it felt for him to be there.

So when I said, “I understand,” it was true.

And when he searched for some sinister element in my response to him, there was nothing there but pure understanding. I simply understood. I didn’t feel a need to prove it. Because my understanding was real and true, I knew he would see it.  When it’s real, you don’t worry about “projecting” it.

It was simple.

I understood him.  I let him know I understood him.  I invited him to observe.  Free to make up or change his mind.  Then I just moved on.  Forward.    

Because I didn’t step into the trap, he didn’t either.

That left him free to observe.  When people are truly free to observe, without being told what to think or see, they observe for themselves and you don’t have to “convince” them. 

When you let go of the lies we’ve been told about “what people are like”, when you master the ability to create REAL communication, when you fully grasp the power of REAL understanding, when you have the ability to receive their ideas and the ability to reach other human beings with your ideas, magic will happen.  It will surprise you.

Go for it.  Try it out. Let me know your success stories.  I love reading them. 

Be the cause!

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The results from the listening experiment

In last week’s article I suggested an experiment.  The experiment was to choose a conversation and listen in a way that is very, very uncommon.  To fully tune in. To forget about time.  To stop all thinking and just listen.  To listen with 100% of you.  For no other reason except to really hear them.

It was an experiment because it suspended any anticipation of what the results would be. The results would simply be what they were.

Well, I’m glad I asked you to do it.  My inbox has been a pleasure to open and to read about the results people all over the world wrote me.

They wrote they were surprised.

Surprised by the dramatic change of heart in the other person.

Surprised by the sudden and beautiful closeness they felt with the other person.

Surprised by the evolution of an extremely positive outcome, way more positive than they ever expected or hoped. 

Surprised by the other person’s overwhelming willingness and generosity.

Surprised by the incredible harmony between them.

Surprised by how fast it happened.

Surprised by how effortless it felt.  How natural.

It was a joy to read about all of the responses.  Each one unique and amazing.  Beautiful.

Keep in mind, and this is very important, none of these wonderful outcomes were WHY they did it.

They had no idea what to expect.  They weren’t anticipating anything.  They listened for one reason only – to hear the other person.  To feel they were really, truly communicating fully and well.  To create REAL communication.

Real communication is magic. 

The good news is that this magic has a recipe…a formula that you can use wherever you go. (This ”listening” phase of the Formula we’ve been focusing on is extraordinarily powerful.)

The Communication Formula is what we teach here.

Once you master the Communication Formula, it will never let you down. 

Trust the process.  Then let the magic of the moment simply sweep you away.

Next week I’ll talk about what to do next.

Be the cause!

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The only reason to listen to someone

I was staggered by the intensity and number of fiery responses that last week’s article provoked.  The article was about “using” listening as a “technique to get the outcome you want”.

The question I asked was, is it possible that when this is done, the relationship is damaged in some subtle but essential way?

I experienced two striking observations as I read all the responses.

The first is that absolutely no one likes to have this (the other person “using” listening to get to what they want) done to them.  No surprise if you think about it.

The second observation was this. The most impassioned responses were from people who are negotiating high-stakes outcomes. The ones who stand an extreme chance of winning or losing, whether in their professional or personal lives.

They recognized themselves in my article. They wrote that the article hit them in the head like a ton of bricks.

I admire these people. They’re focused. 

They hit on something fundamental, the reason many people stop listening. And that is this:   People stop listening because it feels like listening is moving you further and further away from the outcome you want.

Quite understandable.

And in these important situations, all you have to do is add the element of compressed time, and you drive quality listening out the door faster than you can chase out the speed of light.

The recipe for a listening disaster is when you have an outcome you MUST have, the other person disagrees, they’re not listening to you, they’re talking a lot about things you don’t want to hear … and you don’t have time. 

Now listen.

Few people can.

And why would you listen in that situation? It looks POINTLESS. 

You can easily see why people turn listening into a technique.  NOT listening doesn’t work (we find that out the hard way) and we feel we desperately need a technique in that moment to help us out.

I don’t use the word desperately lightly. What happens is people start feeling like they’re losing control. This makes them desperate.  And when they’re feeling like they’re losing control, they struggle to regain it with techniques and unusual solutions. Too many to list.

Here’s how it goes down.  As you listen it feels like the other person is controlling the conversation.  You’re losing more and more control. It feels horrible. You don’t want to let them control the conversation anymore.  It looks like suicide to listen because they’re driving toward a different outcome. You don’t want them to have any control at all. You get desperate to control it.

A person thinks, I need a technique that’ll get me back in control and get them to listen to me so I can get the outcome I want.

And then it’s a short step to, I’ll pretend to listen to them.

I understand how that feels. We all do.

The thing is, I deal in transformation, REAL transformation. And there’s a world of difference between techniques and natural laws.

I’ll write more about natural laws one day. They help you understand human beings, all human beings.  And they always work.  They’re much more grounded than techniques.  They’re filled with truth.

Today, we’ll touch on just one of these natural laws. Let’s examine the reason for high quality listening. The REAL reason, the only workable reason for humanity.

What does high quality listening mean?  ALL thinking gets in the way of listening. When you’re listening, really listening, you’re not thinking about your outcome. You’re not thinking about anything.

During REAL listening, you’re focusing 100% on totally understanding the other person. In three dimensions, seeing the world through THEIR eyes, their perceptions and their emotions, understanding them as richly and as fully as you can. It’s a FULL-TIME job for you to LISTEN while they’re speaking. There’s no room for thinking.  No room for anticipating.  It’s very in the moment.

The way it works, the way it’s SUPPOSED to work, is that during this time, the other person is 100% in control of the ideas on the table. You are simply receiving and understanding them as deeply as you can. That’s listening.  You’re letting them control it.  While they are speaking, you’re giving them full control. They control time.

The SKILL of listening is knowing this and granting them control while they’re talking.  You’ll get your turn.  But it’s their turn now.  If you’re never willing to give them 100% of this control, you’ll never really listen, you’ll never really hear.

I know, I know.  Give up ANY control?  That’s HARD!

So, why do it?

People who wrote me do it because:

• Then they’ll listen to you.

• It’s the only road to creating the outcome you want.

• It’s the only chance you have.

All of those may be true. But having these as your reasons perverts real listening.

There’s only one reason to listen to someone.

Listen because listening is sacred.

I don’t mean that in a religious sense.

Listening is a ritual that’s older than any civilization we have.  A ritual is a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.

Sacred means never to be broken, infringed, or dishonored.

Listening is a sacred ritual between human beings.  Recognized as such by every culture, all the way from primitive to civilized. 

Listening is sacred to humanity. 

No other reason. 

All cultures recognize this.  All humanity.

And when listening is held sacred by you, not because I say so, but because it’s a natural law of humanity, when listening is sacred to you, an amazing magic happens.  To you.  To them.  And I’m not talking about your “outcome”.  I’m talking about a magic between you and that other person that words could never express, a magic in that moment that transcends the “normal” human experience.  Communication starts to really work and real communication is magic.

Yes, it’s true. When the other person sees that you are treating their communications as sacred, they start treating yours as sacred also. Yes, that happens.  And it’s true you get a much better outcome.  Yes, it even opens the path to an outcome that turns out to be magical.

But don’t do it for that reason.  Those reasons change you in ways that aren’t really you.

Just do it because listening is sacred. That was decided long, long ago.

One amazing woman wrote me this after doing this with her daughter.  She wrote: 

“After listening to her, I found it impossibly easy to acknowledge her communication. I think my magical ingredient was 'interest'. I was genuinely interested in what she was saying. I also found it very easy to understand what she was saying. This occurred several times during our call. Each time I acknowledged her, she relaxed. I could feel it. I was happy that she felt understood. That was all that mattered. It was bliss.  Overcoming that reactive inclination to defend was bliss.”

Here’s an experiment for this week: 

Choose one of your conversations. When the other person is talking, forget about time.  Stop thinking.  Listen.  Listen with 100% of you.  For no other reason except to really hear them.

Let me know what happens.  I love getting your emails.

Next week I’ll write about what happens next.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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How did this dark imposter get here?

I received such powerful responses to last week’s article, it became clear to me it’s time to take the next step on our journey into listening.

People wrote me they had tears streaming down their face. One person wrote that they made a decision “beginning right now and in this moment, to begin really listening again.” And what was most powerful, she wrote, “I think that will help me to feel more alive again.”  Wow.  I’m sure it will.  In very profound ways.  I look forward to hearing.

I had many people write.  I read them all.  So beautiful.  Voices raised in humanity.

There was one thing, however, that stopped me in my tracks, and this is what I want to take up this week, something that many, many people wrote.

Many good people. Very good people.

Good people who don’t realize they have been led into a trap of false ideas camouflaged as instructive.

Many people wrote something along the lines of, “Listening is the best way to achieve your outcome.  It’s a great formula for getting the other person to change their mind.  It really works.”

This is a problem that we are going to solve. But first, can you see what’s wrong with that statement above?

On the surface it sounds effective.  Practical.  Something you could “use”. Right? 

But let’s dig deeper. Let’s examine the core of it.

Imagine this: 

Think of something that’s really important to you right now, really important.  Something you really want. Now imagine that I want something very different from what you want.  Imagine you need me to say, “Yes.”  You really need me to understand and say, “Yes”.  Really get that feeling for a moment.  We’ve all felt this.

Now imagine you’re earnestly and sincerely telling me about it and I’m listening to you. Imagine that I look really interested.

Now Imagine that you suddenly realize the reason I’m listening to you is BECAUSE I want you to think I understand so that I can then get you to listen to me and change your mind.  I’m listening to you only so I can get you to change your mind to the outcome I want.  I don’t really want to listen to you but I am making myself listen to you because I don’t see any other way to get you to the outcome I want.  That’s why I am listening to you.  That’s why I look interested. I’m using listening to get to you.

Can you see what’s wrong with that? Have you ever experienced it?  How did you feel?  Can you imagine how this type of listening might damage the relationship in some very subtle but ultimately essential ways?

Where did we ever learn to listen this way?  Where did we ever learn the lesson that listening is something you use?

Tell me what you think. And next week, I’ll write about how to free yourself from the trap.

The Art of Listening can be given a “dark” side. And if you want to enjoy the fullest effects of Causative Communication done right, it’s important you never go there.

More next week!

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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My 24-word recipe for creating the magical outcome with Tom

Last week, I posed a question about an outcome I created with an executive, Tom. He was a gruff character who was sabotaging a project that needed to move forward.   If you like happy endings, this one’s for you.

The outcome we achieved looked like pure magic.  I received many answers to my question asking for your theories on “how I did it” – it was a joy to read them all. 

(If you missed last week’s article, you can read it here for context.)

The answer to what I did is listen.  That’s how I did it.  But I did it a little differently than you would think.

Many people wrote the answer is also “acknowledging”.  True that, but if you don’t listen well, the acknowledgement is hollow and ineffective.  The acknowledgement gets all its power from the listening.

This is one of the most misunderstood words in any language.

To most people, listening means, “Stop talking and wait for you to finish.”  I know this is true because while “listening” they have the same look on their faces that waiting produces in people standing in a long supermarket line.  It’s a mildly annoyed, “I hate waiting but there’s no way around it” look.

The problem is that no one likes you to look at them like that. 

The problem is that listening has nothing (and I truly mean nothing) to do with waiting.

To other people, listening means, “I’m not so interested but I’ll pretend.”

The problem is that pretended interest, pretended listening, pretended anything … well, it’s no foundation for a good conversation, a good relationship, nor good outcomes. 

Even worse, the other person always knows you’re doing it.

To other people, listening means, “Okay, I am forced to let you talk, and forced to understand you because it’s the only way I’m going to get to my outcome, so I’m going to listen for anything you say that I could possibly use to help me achieve the result I want.”

The problem is that the other person knows you’re doing that too.

The problem is that people fixate on the outcome they want at that moment. 

One person wrote, “I have to stay focused on the outcome I want while I listen.  If I take my focus off the outcome I want, I won’t get it.”

If you have children you’ve seen something like this: 

That moment when you’re explaining to your 10-year old why they can’t ____________ (have ice cream, get that new gadget, play with a friend, fill in the blank).  And they really, really want it.  That moment you’re telling them and they are focused on the outcome they want.  How well are they listening?  How much are they hearing?  WHAT are they hearing?

If you have children, you’ve experienced this moment and know what I’m talking about.  You might be laughing reading this because you’ve seen it more than once. 

If you don’t have children, you’ve experienced this moment in some other setting where the other person isn’t getting the “outcome” they want.

How can you listen when your attention is fixated on the outcome you want?  The answer is:  you can’t.

Your attention must be free enough that you can fully give all of it to the other person and be feeling genuine interest in what they’re saying.

One person wrote me this week, “Most people don’t have your patience.” 

Let me explain patience.  If you look this word up in a good dictionary it means: to suffer pain, delay, trouble, difficulty or being provoked without complaining or displaying discontent or displeasure.

The word patience originally meant to endure.

Listening has nothing to do with suffering or enduring.  Or suppressing your displeasure.

Yet many people do feel they are suffering when they have to listen to things they disagree with.  (Aren’t you glad I’m not bringing up politics in this discussion? Such a great example. :) )

Real listening has nothing to do with your outcome, or even your point of view.  You have to set that aside during this phase of the communication process.

Real listening has no agenda. 

Real listening has a very pure intent:  to understand.

It’s amazing the magic created by the purity of this intent.

I’m talking about listening for the sake of understanding.  Interest for the sake of knowing.  I’m talking about understanding what this other living being is trying to communicate.  I’m talking about something pure.

So let’s go back to my story from last week:

Here’s what I did.  I decided to be there for Tom.  At that moment I didn’t care what happened, I put my own outcome completely aside. 

We walked into the room and I made sure we both were comfortable.  I asked, “Tell me your thoughts about this project.  Is it creating a real hassle for you?”

I gave him 100% of myself. 

My intent was effortless and pure.  I simply felt this: “I have no agenda.  I am here for you.  Like no one has ever been here for you in your life.  Take all the time you need.  I want to hear everything.” 

Tom studied my face.  I could see him searching for my motive.  I stayed peacefully quiet.  Ready to receive. 

To me listening is sacred.  It just is.  I think he could see that, could feel it, because it was true.

He started to talk.  A trickle turned into a flood.  All of his frustrations poured out.  I was simply there to receive it all and to understand this human being.

I could see the moments in his eyes and face when he gradually went from thinking I was dangerous to realizing I was safe.  The safer he felt to say anything to me, the more he said.

He went deeper and deeper, under the layers, told me more and more.

When he finished, I gently asked, “Is there anything else I should know?” There were about 3 times I asked that.  There was more each time.

When he was ALL finished he was completely relaxed, looking at me with affinity, he looked amazing.  He really had told me everything.  He looked peaceful.

That’s when I said, “I really understand.”  And he knew it was true. 

We were both quiet.

I let this beautiful silence sit between us, both of us enjoying the moment.  It went on, deepening with each moment of silence.

I let him control it.

His face was gentle.  His eyes warm.  We had a bond.

It was enough for me.  I’ve created many “outcomes” in my life.  I’m good at creating outcomes.  What I care about now in my life is this magic.  It’s enough for me.  I don’t care where it goes.  I trust it.  It always goes someplace good. 

So there we sat in silence.  Looking at each other.  Looking away.  Looking back.  A gentle space.  Highly unusual moment for a corporate setting.

After a couple minutes I could see Tom was starting to think about something.  He was looking out the window.  Thoughts were forming.  He got this look on his face that people get when they’re getting an idea.

Then Tom said, “I think your project could do some good if it was organized right ….” It’s like he suddenly “heard” what everyone had been trying to tell him for weeks for the first time. 

And he started to create the project on his own. 

He stood up.  I sat back, relaxed and watched him white-board a plan for the project.  A brilliant plan.  I answered a few questions, but he did it all.

Later, everyone complimented me on being “persuasive.”  They wanted to know, “What did you say to turn Tom around?”

We were in there for 2 hours.  The only words (about 24 of them) I said over the whole time we were in there were:

“Tell me your thoughts about this project.  Is it creating a real hassle for you?”

“Is there anything else I should know?”

“I understand.”

It wasn’t what I said. 

It was how I was being:  Interested. 

It’s what I was doing:  Receiving. 

It’s what he was feeling:  Understood.

It was being able to do that in its absolute purity.

It looked like magic.

One of my clients wrote, “Sounds so simple.  But it really is an art.”

It looks like an art. And you look like an artist when you do it. What it actually is, is a decision.  It demonstrates the pure power of decision.  Your decision.

It’s also an ability.  I worked hard to develop this ability.  And I love to teach it to others.

Who needs outcomes when you have magic?

Next week, I’ll wrap up this little series of articles with more about the magic of acknowledgements.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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"The Showdown" aka how to deal with a project saboteur

I was brought in to a large manufacturing organization to implement a major performance improvement program (100% Proficiency®, click here for more information).  Mike, the senior executive who brought me in, assigned a team to work with me on implementation and he put Tom, a strong-willed engineering manager, in charge of the team.

Tom did everything he could to delay and sabotage the program.  

On the surface, Tom was polite to me. But I could feel his dislike…for me and the project.  He avoided eye contact.  He answered questions with cruelly short answers.  He did nothing without being prodded.  He assigned team members other responsibilities so they didn’t have time to work on this one.  He blew past every deadline and didn’t seem to care.  He answered everything with, “We’re working on it.  Doing the best we can.”

Everyone on the team knew what was going on, but they were intimidated by Tom and stayed quiet, waiting to see how it played out.

I went back to Mike and said, “We need to replace Tom with someone who really wants to do this. The program will fail with him in charge.”

George said, “I don’t have anyone else.  It’s Tom or no one.”

I found Tom and asked if he had a moment to talk. He wasn’t happy about it, but said, “Okay.” We walked into a conference room and closed the door.

Everyone watched us go in.  I found out later they called it, “The Showdown.”  Their money was on Tom.

Two hours later the door opened and Tom went straight to Mike’s office.  Mike expected the worst when Tom burst in, but Tom was smiling and enthusiastic. Energized. He told Mike all the great benefits they’d see from the program and showed him the implementation strategy he’d worked out during our meeting, a rather brilliant plan only he could have devised for how to use their small pool of resources to make this major project work with their current unforgiving production demands.

Then Tom assembled the team, briefed them on the plan and white-board organized them to achieve a very aggressive timeline for implementation.  He told them their success metrics, told them to get it done and that he was there if they ran into problems.  Everyone was surprised but smiling.

Mike heard about the extraordinary team meeting, called me into his office and told me that I had “very powerful persuasion skills.” Mike said, “Whatever you told him, it really worked.”

The team pulled me aside and wanted to know what I said to create this turn-around. They thought I’d spoken some “magic words” that cast a spell over Tom.

I want you to stop and think about this.

Most of the world thinks it’s what I said.

It wasn’t.

Can you see that if I said anything, Tom wasn’t having any of it?

I’m sure you can imagine Tom as you’re reading this.  Are you imagining someone who’s interested in anything I have to say?  No. No. No.

Most people, when faced with a situation like this, think they have to come up with “magic words”.

My clients have recently asked me for things like “stealth persuasion” and “techniques for releasing hormones in the other person’s brain” that will make them “accept” their ideas. I kid you not - I’ve had requests for both of these in the last two weeks.

So what went on in that room for two hours?

That’s a real question.  What creates this kind of immediate turn-around?  Email me your answer.  Take this as an opportunity to exercise your mind.

Next week I will tell you what I did. 

No doubt about it.  What I did was absolute magic.

Tell me what you think I did that created this magic.

And then I’ll show you how you can do it for yourself.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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The secret to melting resistance...

Gisele and Martin did not have a great working relationship.  But then again, Martin did not have a great working relationship with anyone.  He was considered “difficult.”

Gisele was hitting it out of the park with her presentations.  Everyone else was sold on her latest innovative idea for creating a much-needed breakthrough for her global organization.

That is, everyone except Martin.

Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him.  He’s really stubborn.  Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”

Why do people do that?

One reason only. They feel you’re not getting it.  So they get stuck sending the same thing over and over. 

This is how you open the door.

First I coached Gisele to really listen.  This was very difficult for her.  Listening to Martin’s negativity was frustrating and she would lose her patience. She was so lost in her frustration, she literally wasn’t hearing what he was saying.

This took about 15 minutes of coaching until she could fully be there for him.  At that point she was able to stop thinking and simply be very “tuned in” to Martin as he talked.  That alone is half-way there to disarming resistance. 

People change when they feel you tune in.  They know.  It’s magical.

Then I spent 15 minutes coaching Gisele on how to understand and acknowledge Martin, making sure that she was creating an experience for Martin where Martin felt very understood.

This is a real ability, to acknowledge well.

The right acknowledgement creates a transformation in the other person.  You can see it.  Something deep inside of them relaxes.  Their face changes.  Their body language changes.  Their tone of voice changes.  Their affinity for you skyrockets.

The conversation pivots on that exact point, at that exact moment.

You have a completely different conversation.  A completely different relationship.  A completely different outcome.

Well delivered acknowledgements are one of the most powerful forces for uplifting the conversation, any conversation, uplifting the relationship and raising affinity.  Way more powerful than most people realize.

People make the mistake of thinking people need to be “validated” or agreed with.  In truth what rages inside them is a craving to be understood. 

You’ll be absolutely amazed how open others will be to your ideas (even if they were totally disagreeing with them just seconds before) once you successfully complete this step in the communication process.

I coached Gisele until she could give a very sincere and powerful acknowledgment that would melt a glacier.  I knew Martin would respond.  I knew Martin would only then be open to her ideas.  I knew he would be open.

Gisele had a team meeting that Martin would be attending following our coaching session.  I got her email immediately after the meeting:

“Acknowledgement was ‘golden’ and it worked.  I gave Martin ‘true and real’ acknowledgements and after only two times only, it worked and for the first time he could hear what I was saying and was supporting my proposal. :)”

It turns out, Martin is a good person.  With a craving to be understood.  Really, just like the rest of us.

Once you understand how acknowledgements work, and WHY they work, your conversations, relationships and the outcomes you can create change forever. 

Next week I’ll talk about the key ingredients to a successful acknowledgement.  In the meantime, use what you already know and get started.  You’ll see results right away.

Be the cause!

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The only script you’ll ever need

I’ve been asked to coach the CEO of a major global corporation. I haven’t met him yet, I’m preparing.  Google his name and hundreds of videos appear.  I’m watching portions of many of them to assess where I can help him.

He has no problems with stage fright. He steps forth boldly, seemingly self-assured.  Almost a little cocky.

His slides are impeccable. They meet all world-class standards.  Not too much, not too little, fabulous graphics.  He works well with his slides, doesn’t look at them at all.

His content is honed, his key messages expertly crafted. No doubt innumerable people and hours invested sharpening them, putting them into just the right sequence.  Succinct, logical and even interesting.

He delivers the message with great conviction. Strong voice.

His pauses are deliberate.  Well-timed humor.  Rehearsed.

I’m watching theater, not communication.

He’s working very hard to impress.

The problem is, I can see the script.

The problem is, he IS the script.

The problem is, there’s no personal connection with him.  No soul.

He creates an audience of spectators.  Spectators never are part of the action, they’re disengaged, detached, distanced, sitting back and observing.  Not drawn in.  They’ll never give away their hearts or their trust to you.

He’s “on stage,” too aware of playing to an audience.  He’s talking to “everyone.”  You don’t get the feeling he’s talking to you.

He’s not interested in his audience (you).  He treats his audience with the covert message:  Your only purpose for being here is for me to get you to think what I want you to think.

It’s a very well-crafted performance of, “I’m doing this so you think that.”

Somewhere along the line he lost himself.   He is gone. 

He’s crafted the persona he’s been told Wall Street, and a faceless group of investors, demands. I’m seeing the complete absence of him as a person, but now only the superficial performance of a well-scripted theatrical role: “the successful CEO you should invest in.”

This is a man who has been given so much “feedback”, it overwhelmed and finally drowned his soul.  Unfortunately, he’s listened to it.

Somewhere along the line he got the idea he couldn’t win as himself. So he agreed to create this artificial construction.

My job is to return his soul back to him.

To help him reach and find that quality and spark of life, that essence of himself, that is uniquely his, that makes him different from the 7.5 billion other people on this planet.  To bring him back to himself.  To show him how true communication works.  To help him experience success as himself, not as a performer designed to fit the strait-jacket of others’ scripts for him.

He’ll be a thousand times more successful as himself.  Even more importantly, he’ll be unique.

And, most good of all, he’s going to experience the joy of finding himself again.  I can’t wait to see this happiness on his face.

But, looking at him right now, connecting to himself is one thing … There’s great passion for his message.  But what does he feel for his audience?  Nothing.  He just wants to impress them.

My job is to rekindle his ability to connect with humanity.

It’s a whole different experience when you look at your audience and, instead of seeing a group of blank-faced investors whose money you want, you see human beings. That’s the only chance you’ll have of winning their hearts.

And the best part of that is how connected he personally will feel when it happens.

It always makes me sad to see how “success” and living up to others’ expectations can bend a person out of recognition.

What people will most respond to is you.  The you who’s not like anyone else.  And they respond to your genuine love for, interest in and understanding of them. This is the heart and soul of humanity.

There’s no reason for it to get lost in corporate presentations.  No matter where you are in the corporation. 

The best part of working with him will be that moment where it all clicks into place.  We’re talking real confidence.  Real connection.  Real communication.  Real success.

I’ve helped people close billion dollar deals.   It’s much sweeter and longer-lasting in the presence of real humanity.  Yours and theirs.

Impressing people is a shallow victory. Being the REAL you, creating rich understandings, connecting your soul, heart and mind with theirs is for forever.

Be the cause!

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Louis

Sometimes we get really lucky and meet someone like Louis, someone whose communication transcends the ordinary and takes us to another world, inside and outside ourselves.  Louis Alan Swartz has been a deep inspiration to me and one of my best friends.  He passed away last week and my article this week is a tribute to him.

Louis wrote poetry.  Poetry that transformed hard hearts into gentler ones, transformed lost hope into optimism, transformed extreme grief and loss into glorious new love.

This is the power of transcendent communication.  It makes you see the world with new eyes. You lift your eyes from the keyboard and point them to the stars.

Louis looked past the “behavior” of humankind and into the heart of humankind. And that’s who he talked to.

I, and the very large and growing “Louis Fan Club,” are feeling deep grief and joy for our memories.  Louis hated to see me cry.  His last communication to me, as I was weeping over the pending loss of him, was, “I am alive!”

And he is.  In all the glorious poetry he has generously given to the world.  Poetry he created with another dear friend of mine, the fine artist, Diane Woods.  I will share a little bit of it with you.

“My purpose in life is to wake the sleeping spirit of man.

“You are constructed of magic.

“You are here to pervade joy.”

-  Louis Alan Swartz

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The authentic trap

I’m hearing many discussions around the topic of “being authentic”.  A number of people who come to me for coaching note that as one of their goals.  They often haven’t thought it through.

“I want to be really authentic.”

“Why?”  I asked?

“Because people seem to admire it.”

“Oh.  How did you come to be inauthentic?”

“Because I was trying to turn into someone other people admired.”

“So, now you want to be authentic so others admire you?”

The word authentic comes from the Greek word authentes which means, "someone who acts on one's own authority," from autos "self" + hentes "doer, being."

There you go.  There’s the formula for being authentic.  Acting on your own authority.  It comes from you.

Acting on your own authority is very different than acting to be admired.

The first is about using your own power, the second is about giving it away.

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For anyone who hates seeing themself on video

I’m working with Ann, a beautiful new Senior Vice President responsible for leading 20,000 people. You would think that with this much success, she would feel good about herself.

And she does … much of the time.

But show her a video of herself, and she cringes.

She is far from alone.

I hear the words, “I hate to watch myself on video” many times each week.  From all levels of professionals and executives.  It attacks everyone equally.

There have been many times in our planet’s history, some not so distant, when people held their heads high with pride, free of self-consciousness, filled with inner feelings of self-worth. 

Society has changed. (One day I’ll write about why this is.) And many people today are filled with excessive self-consciousness.  They very simply forgot how to like themselves.

This brings us back to Ann …

Regardless of her competence, notwithstanding her great success, when many eyes are on her, when she’s being recorded, she’s overwhelmed by self-doubt.  The anxiety starts weeks before, at the event she talks too fast, her eyes dart around, you don’t really get what she’s saying, and she can’t wait for it to be over.  She hates watching the video.  No amount of reassurance prevents the next attack.

I’ve written much about the importance of your affinity for others and the power of your affinity for your audience. 

Big news:  Your affinity for yourself has a big impact on how well you communicate.

It’s not what you’re intellectually thinking about yourself.  It’s not your “logical assessment of your strengths”.  It’s not “what’s in your head.”

It’s a feeling.

We like whatever gives us pleasure.  That’s a feeling.

When you see yourself on video, what’s the feeling you get?

It’s a very simple:  Do you like yourself?

It’s a worthy goal and you can take a look for yourself and see if it’s one you want to achieve.    Your videos shine the light on this path and help you chart your route forward.

If you hate seeing yourself on video, you’re at the very beginning of the journey.  Keep moving.  Do the work of eliminating the things you don’t like, wake up and build up all those massive abilities sleeping within you, and you’ll get there.

When you hit that elevated dimension where, when you watch yourself on video, you really like what you’re seeing, when you’re swept away with the enjoyment of seeing yourself, then you have conquered the greatest obstacle between you and your audience.

As I work with Ann, I know it will happen because I see it happen all the time.

Gradually, gradually over a couple hours, she will become comfortable, she will gain control.  She will master her own presence, her ability to pervade her audience’s universe with her own essence, her ideas.  Her ability to create understanding, appreciation and admiration will blossom.

There will come a point where she admires herself.

It’s a moment of very quiet, but deep, self-satisfaction.  It’s a solid experience and certainty of who she is and of her ability to express it beautifully. She will experience freedom from all that crippling self-doubt. She will spread her wings and fly.

She will be smiling as the video plays.  Quietly enjoying the moment. Seeing her true self create real communication. Not the usual, undistinguished corporate endless talking, talking, talking.

But the real deal, solid 24-karat gold, communication.

The world is starved for it. They’ve been fed junk food much too long. They are most certainly ready for the real deal.

Many people are waiting for the power of you to emerge.  End the wait. Start with great affinity for yourself and the world will respond.

If you want help, that is available. It’s what we do.

But no one can give you permission to do this. That has to come from you.

Are you ready?

Be the cause!

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The communication secret you were taught to forget

“How am I coming across?”

This is the question Fredrico asks me as he practices his talk for a major conference.

Angelika asks me as she prepares to go to her boss to ask for a promotion.

Stewart asks as he prepares to pitch a project to a panel of senior executives and ask for $1 million in funding.

Andrea asks as she nervously gets ready to tell her organization her plans as their new SVP.

Mark asks me as he prepares to present new product pricing to his largest and grouchiest customer.

How am I coming across?

It’s the wrong question.

The question they should be asking is this one:

“Do you fully understand what I just said?”

And the answer is:  No, your audience did not.

Why is that? Because your attention is too much on yourself.  That keeps you from communicating clearly. 

This is no accident.  From the time we were little, we’ve been the target of a full-scale campaign to take our naturally extroverted attention (see how UNselfconscious little kids are) and turn it against ourselves. 

We’re told, “Look at yourself.”  We’re graded over and over and over. 

We’re supposed to see ourselves the way OTHERS see us.  Yet, others often don’t see us the way we see ourselves.  How are we supposed to reconcile that?  Especially when we’re still children?

We’re supposed to change, adjust, modify, suppress and artificially inflate to look good in THEIR eyes.

I had a 4th grade teacher who thought I had magnificent initiative that should be given tremendous free expression.  I had a grouchy 5th grade teacher who thought I talked too much and should sit down and be quiet (and right now).  Which one should take the lead in “molding” my character?

No one asked what I thought. This would have led to a good answer.  I could have told them.  I didn’t think about it.  When I had something to say, I said it.  When I didn’t, I didn’t.  It didn’t seem complicated to me. 

Fortunately, the lesson I learned was not to keep changing to make the people around me like me more.  The lesson I learned was to stay away from cranky people.

Today, I help people communicate effectively.  Some of that involves dispelling the false ideas about themselves, about others, about life, that “authorities” have injected into their thinking.  Sometimes it involves remembering what “authorities” worked so hard to make us forget.

When are people the most effective at getting what they want?

I admire two-year olds. They are really good at it.

I think there are some lessons here:

• They don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it before they speak up, they’re pretty quick on the draw.

• They don’t spend a lot of time figuring out what words to use.

• They make sure they have all of your attention, as a matter of fact they demand it.

• They’re direct and very clear.

• Speaking up has nothing to do with getting out of their “comfort zone”.  They’re talking because you need to know something or you should do something, there’s no more to it than that.

• Most importantly, they don’t worry about how they’re coming across.

Kids want to be understood. Adults want approval. When you cross this line, you give up all your power.

I’m not saying that everything two-year-olds do when they’re communicating is good. There’s a lot they don’t know. I just know some pretty effective two-year-olds.  They’re better at getting what they want than many adults are.  There is a lot they do know about communication that adults have forgotten and it’s good to remember.

Frederico, Angelika, Stewart, Andrea and Mark stopped even thinking about how they were coming across.  They shifted their focus to watching the audience, not themselves.  They communicated powerful, clear messages, delivered with mighty intention. 

They created understanding that was COMPLETE.  Every word.  Every idea.  Every reason.  Fully understood.

That degree of understanding is convincing.  They got the outcomes they wanted.  And they can do it again.

You can too.

Get their attention.  Be direct.  Be clear.  Create such a burst of understanding, that your conclusion, your recommendation, is compelling.

How do you do that?

Get the skills you need to be understood. That’s the real goal. That’s the path we offer to you in our trainings.

Communicate so well that the power of your idea is persuasive, not the way you hold your pinky.

Be the cause!

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Becoming unforgettable

Jagoda’s (pronounced Ya-go-da) beautiful presence fills the screen and you experience instant warmth.  You stop everything to pay attention to her.

Jagoda could be one-on-one with you or presenting to a crowd of 28,000.  Either way, she is captivating.

It was the beginning of the second day of the workshop. I’d given them an assignment to use what they’d learned from the first day in their lives.  Now it was time to hear from them.

What Jagoda said was profound. She said:

“I decided that before each meeting and before each conversation I would decide what emotion I WANT them to experience.  And then I would create that experience for them.”

Our great poet Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said.  People will forget what you did.  But people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Let’s do a quick experiment with this:  Think of someone you will never, ever forget. 

You probably can’t remember everything they said.  You probably can’t remember everything they did.  But notice how you will never, ever forget how they made you feel.  Notice how rich and vivid the memory of that feeling is.  Notice the power this feeling has over you.

This was the decision that Jagoda made.  The result was life-changing.  Her conversations, her meetings, her relationships are elevated. 

Jagoda looked to me for feedback.  Seeing her now, I simply said, “You can change the world.”   

She smiled and answered: “I feel that I can.”

That is power. 

I talk a lot about being causative…I even show you examples of people who are being that…

But the real goal is to actually FEEL IT for yourself, just like Jagoda.

After that, you will never be the same.

And that’s why we do the work we do, why we offer the trainings we do.

What would happen if you felt like you could change the world and actually had the skills to make it so?

Be the cause!

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One sentence that will create your next breakthrough…

“Four years ago we had a dream. Today I’m going to tell you how we made that dream come true.”

Madhu is a VP and that was the first sentence of his presentation.  The audience reaction was visible and immediate:   enthralled.

However, when Madhu started our Mastering Virtual Presentations workshop, that wasn’t at all what he planned to open with.  

He started his presentations the way that EVERYONE starts their presentations:

“Hello.   How is everyone doing? Today I want to talk to you about…”

There are MILLIONS of corporate presentations made around the world every single day, Monday through Friday.  99.999% of them start off this way.  With the immortal words: “Today I want to talk to you about ….”

This is THE most BORING way you could start off your presentation.

It sends a clear message to your audience:  

I am yet another boring corporate presenter.  I am just like ALL of the others you’ve ever heard. Please feel free to go ahead and multitask. This is not going to be special.

Many in the audience will already be reaching for their keyboards, even during the opening sentence.

Your first sentence makes an enormous difference. The first sentence in every Shakespeare play immediately plunges you directly into the plot.  From the very first opening moment, you’re engaged keeping up with the action.

Shakespeare assumed (rightly) a very intelligent audience.  He didn’t bore them with a gradual build up to the plot.  He plunged them right in to the action. His live plays were standing room only and they still stand the test of time like no other.

“In truth, I know not why I am so sad,” says Antonio in the opening line of Merchant of Venice.  You’re instantly engaged, leaning in to find out.

“Who’s there?” asks an alarmed Bernardo to open Hamlet.  Suddenly, you’re a little alarmed and need to know too.

The great novelist Elmore Leonard starts one of his best sellers with, “There was a desert wind blowing that night.”  And you’re right there, feeling it, thoroughly plunged into the scene of the story.

These are openings like no others.  You know you’re in for something special.

When you apply this principle from literature to corporate presentations, amazing things happen.

Here are some examples from professionals and execs I’ve been coaching. First I’ll give you their original opening, then I’ll give you what that transformed into.

Old way: “Today I would like to talk to you about the benefits of our Accessibility Program.”

Turned into: “There are one million blind people who want to use our products, but are unable because they don’t have access, and so they’re buying from our competitors.”

Old way: “Today I want to talk to you about the importance of handling adversity in your role.”

Turned into: “I was 40 feet below water and drowning.”

Old way: “Today I want to give you our quarterly business review and take you through the numbers.”

Turned into: “You’re going see a lot of numbers. There’s only one you should pay attention to.”

Old way: “I’m going to present the results of our training pilot so you can decide if we should roll it out to the whole organization.”

Turned into: “We came out of the dark ages of training and we refuse to go back there.  Let me tell you why.”

There are a million ways to do this. I’m going to give you a tip to get you started:

Simply forbid yourself to start your presentation with “Today I’m going to talk about...”

Never again.

That alone will force you into being creative.  

Drop them right into the middle of the story.

Pull them in with a little suspense.  Make them want to find out. 

Watch what happens with a strong opening.  You’ll feel the audience lean in a little closer, give you more of their mental energy.  With that great a beginning, that strong of a connection, it can only get better from there.

You can shift your audience’s entire experience just by changing the opening of your presentation.

Just imagine what would happen with your presentations after our Mastering Virtual Presentations workshops. It is no exaggeration to say you’ll never deliver a presentation the same way again after experiencing what you’ll learn. 

And feel free to send me your best opening sentences.  I would love to see them.  I love great openings!

Be the cause!

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What happens when elegance meets power...

Last week, I wrote about Alaya and one skill (intention) she used to reclaim power while expressing her ideas with beauty and grace.

Remember, Alaya comes from a culture that values elegance and refined manners.

She works in a fast-paced high-tech corporation filled with fiercely-driven passionate and unrestrained professionals and demanding executives who want things done now.

Passion, passion, passion. Over even the smallest of issues.

In that environment, two worlds meet:  elegance faces passion.

It’s not that Alaya isn’t passionate, she is.  But she wants to express herself with refined dignity and elegance.

Passionate people often express themselves with a very, “I have spoken!” determination.

In meetings, Alaya often drowned in their sea of overpowering forcefulness.

She would nod in a, “Yes, you have certainly spoken,” sort of way, hoping now for some sign of an opening, some opportunity or invitation beyond the ensuing silence for her to speak.

But that invitation never came.

Alaya was overwhelmed by the sheer insistence of other people.  So, when it came right down to it, she couldn’t comfortably hear what they were saying.  Words were ringing in her ears but with no meaning as she struggled with their overpowering demandingness.

As Alaya mastered our Communication Formula, all this changed.  She worked hard and learned the formula well in class and stayed in touch when she needed help.

By practicing in life, Alaya became quite an expert.  Her emails along this journey are treasures of self-discovery.

She wrote me about an extremely important breakthrough she made to REAL listening:

“It has been a year of self-transformation.  It allowed me to become much more comfortable with myself and to like myself. Only after this step, was I able to pay 100% attention to the other party.  And to listen, without thinking any comebacks in my head.  I listen to difficult conversations and feedback VERY well now. I’ve been told by others that they felt ‘there was a lot of heat, but you took it so well’ and honestly, I had felt NO heat.”

This is what it means to LISTEN.

Alaya also learned how to create a beautiful bridge when someone passionately demands the impossible or disagrees with her, to create an elegant transition that allows her to make her voice heard, to control the conversation, to create the outcomes she wants.

“I am just able to acknowledge what the other person is saying, not as an attack but as a constructive point.  I thank the person for sharing that very valuable idea. I validate them for the positive aspects.  I let them know that we will do something about it.  And then I solidly feel like they really feel heard.  So then I seek permission to move on to next topic…. They move on very smoothly.”

Being successful in our communications leads to success in life. It empowers us to make our dreams come true.  As Alaya wrote me:

“I feel I have more power and influence in my communications.  And it is showing up (it’s very visible) to the leaders around me. I have made very good connections with my colleagues. I have people say things like, ‘Wow, it’s always great meeting you’, ‘You give off such good energy’, etc. GREAT THINGS are happening in my life… and I feel things are just getting started. ;)”

Your ability to communicate is one of the most precious abilities you have.  It empowers you to be CAUSATIVE.  It enables you to live a life of joy.

The question isn’t “how” to do this. We know the how. We’ve mastered the how. We teach the how every single day of the week.

The real question is whether or not you want to take this journey.

Do YOU want what Causative Communication can help you create?

That’s a question that only you can answer.

Be the cause!

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The communication mistake that lets people walk all over you

Alaya communicated with subdued beauty and grace.  And people walked all over her.

Alaya comes from a culture that values extreme politeness in women.  Women are rigorously taught to listen, be sensitive and respond.

Alaya personally believes in this.  Impoliteness creates a feeling in her that something is terribly wrong.  She withdraws when faced with it.

Professionals and execs in large high-tech corporations are focused on getting things done fast (now) and “my way”.  Politeness is a luxury they can’t always afford.  So they mis-read Alaya’s politeness as acquiescence and rammed their agendas through, ending meetings and conversations without ever hearing her thoughts.

Alaya is intelligent, observant.  She has many ideas.  She was waiting for someone to come along who wanted to hear them. In the meantime, the world was whizzing past her at 70 miles an hour, on their way to somewhere else.

When Alaya showed up for the workshop, I recognized that her extreme sensitivity to others was a gift that made her extremely valuable to the world.

Having delivered our programs in 47 countries now, I’ve seen what different cultures teach about communication.  I see it every week.

Each culture teaches something good about communication, something other cultures would find interesting and beneficial. However, no culture teaches the full, well-rounded Communication Formula that we teach. This leaves big gaps in a person’s ability to communicate and these big gaps cause them problems.

For example, Alaya’s culture teaches beauty and grace, something our culture could certainly use more of, but entirely skipped teaching Alaya how to express her ideas, leaving more than half the communication formula missing from her ability to survive in the corporate world.

Specifically, she was missing how to combine intention with grace to communicate her ideas so she could be heard.  And she was missing how to bridge over to her ideas after someone very passionately had expressed theirs and was ready to move on without hearing her out.  How to open that door?  And do it politely.  With grace.

Alaya described her problem like this:

“I seem to not get their 100% focus on listening to me when it is my turn to speak. It is like talking to a wall. They are not listening and translate my listening as agreement and their victory.  And with me leaving conversations with my side un-said, it is leading me to feel burned out.”

Alaya still communicates with beauty and grace.  She is still soft-spoken.  Wonderfully polite. But today, a year after the workshop, she has experienced what a year of transformation does to every part of life.  Her emails to me now are a celebration.

She has learned to add the magic ingredient of intention into her communication.  Not forcefulness, but the power of strong intent that carries her words across to bridge all divides.

This is how she describes herself now:

“I have reclaimed my power in the conversation.  THE COMMUNICATION FORMULA HAS CHANGED MY LIFE (the workshop); my relationship with MYSELF is better; hence my relationship with others is better (family, colleagues, strangers).

“I am so confident in my AUTHENTIC self; I am 100% at ease with myself. I have worked hard on myself so I am proud of where I am. And I’m making progress every day. I am learning every day.

“I am CAUSING outcomes that I want left, right and center.”

The world is now listening to Alaya.  And they like her ideas.  She is being selected for leadership positions and invited to speak at leadership conferences. 

If you are not CAUSING the outcomes you want, my hunch is that you’re missing one (or more) of the pieces of the Communication Formula.

In the span of a single one of our workshops, you can get those missing pieces and put yourself in a position where the world will listen to YOU, just like it listens to Alaya.

Be the cause!

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