I received such powerful responses to last week’s article, it became clear to me it’s time to take the next step on our journey into listening.
People wrote me they had tears streaming down their face. One person wrote that they made a decision “beginning right now and in this moment, to begin really listening again.” And what was most powerful, she wrote, “I think that will help me to feel more alive again.” Wow. I’m sure it will. In very profound ways. I look forward to hearing.
I had many people write. I read them all. So beautiful. Voices raised in humanity.
There was one thing, however, that stopped me in my tracks, and this is what I want to take up this week, something that many, many people wrote.
Many good people. Very good people.
Good people who don’t realize they have been led into a trap of false ideas camouflaged as instructive.
Many people wrote something along the lines of, “Listening is the best way to achieve your outcome. It’s a great formula for getting the other person to change their mind. It really works.”
This is a problem that we are going to solve. But first, can you see what’s wrong with that statement above?
On the surface it sounds effective. Practical. Something you could “use”. Right?
But let’s dig deeper. Let’s examine the core of it.
Imagine this:
Think of something that’s really important to you right now, really important. Something you really want. Now imagine that I want something very different from what you want. Imagine you need me to say, “Yes.” You really need me to understand and say, “Yes”. Really get that feeling for a moment. We’ve all felt this.
Now imagine you’re earnestly and sincerely telling me about it and I’m listening to you. Imagine that I look really interested.
Now Imagine that you suddenly realize the reason I’m listening to you is BECAUSE I want you to think I understand so that I can then get you to listen to me and change your mind. I’m listening to you only so I can get you to change your mind to the outcome I want. I don’t really want to listen to you but I am making myself listen to you because I don’t see any other way to get you to the outcome I want. That’s why I am listening to you. That’s why I look interested. I’m using listening to get to you.
Can you see what’s wrong with that? Have you ever experienced it? How did you feel? Can you imagine how this type of listening might damage the relationship in some very subtle but ultimately essential ways?
Where did we ever learn to listen this way? Where did we ever learn the lesson that listening is something you use?
Tell me what you think. And next week, I’ll write about how to free yourself from the trap.
The Art of Listening can be given a “dark” side. And if you want to enjoy the fullest effects of Causative Communication done right, it’s important you never go there.
More next week!
Be the cause!
(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)