Fred burst in like a tornado 15 minutes late for the workshop, disrupting the flow.
“Sorry I had to be late,” he said. His voice carried no tone of apology.
Then he went on to explain that “they” were mandating that he take this workshop. But as an SVP with great experience, he’d already taken thousands of workshops “just like this one” and didn’t feel like it was “a good use” of his time.
Then he sat back and waited for my reaction.
I simply said, “I understand.”
His eyes searched my face. But all they found was understanding. Why?
Because I understood.
He looked at me disbelievingly, waiting for more. Waiting for argument. Waiting for disagreement. Waiting for me to defend what I was doing. Waiting for me to “sell” him on the benefits of the workshop.
I simply said, “Let me tell you what we’re working on. I’m coaching each person individually. You can observe to start and then decide if you’d like me to coach you. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, feel free to multi-task or take off whenever you want.”
Then I went back to where we had been, working with the other VPs and SVPs in the workshop.
I coached each one and then it was his turn.
I asked him, “Is there anything you’re interested in learning?”
By this time, he’d seen some miracles with the others and he said, “Yes, whatever you think it is I need to learn.”
So I told him what abilities he needed to develop and started to coach him as he practiced.
He completely changed. He turned into the nicest guy. I don’t know if I’ve ever had anyone more attentive or studious. He worked hard, even harder than the others. He was respectful towards me. Almost like it was sacred. He did well.
At the end of the workshop he asked me, “So what’s next? What’s our next step?”
I said, “We’re done for this workshop, that’s all they’ve scheduled. If you’d like additional coaching, just let me know.” And he said he did want more.
It was a beautiful rapport between us.
Do you see the trap I didn’t fall into?
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been publishing a series of articles . Articles about having conversations with people who are defensive, stubborn, not open to your ideas. (Read series from the beginning - The secret to melting resistance...)
We’ve been focusing on listening, something that’s often done poorly. There’s a lot of pretend listening and pretend understanding going on that would never produce the result REAL listening and understanding create.
I’ve been talking about the importance of suspending your own point of view while you listen and creating the outcome of really pure listening: you fully understand life from the other person’s point of view.
Just as when you’re talking, you want them to fully understand life from your point of view.
Understanding is magic.
The word understand comes from an old English word understandan which literally means stand in the midst of.
This means that, for a moment, you are standing in the midst of their reality. Their reality SURROUNDS you. Imagine that for a moment.
It’s not shallow. It’s not superficial. It’s not quick so you can get to your point.
It’s immersive. It saturates your being. It’s deep. It penetrates your awareness.
Once you do that, and your understanding is complete, and BEFORE you shift over to your own point of view, to expressing your ideas, it’s important to let them know you understand.
The two most powerful words in any language, when they are genuinely, sincerely spoken, are, “I understand.”
HOWEVER, they’re only powerful if they’re true.
They’re said many times a day with no understanding, no affinity, and this is reflected immediately, instantly in an inevitably and unmistakably dismissive tone of voice.
The other person can tell by your tone of voice exactly how much you understand them. And no number of words can convince them otherwise.
When someone’s talking to you, what they really want, more than anything in the world, is for you to receive their communication. And what they long for is for you to understand it. To stand in the midst of it with your whole being.
The trap I did not step into with Fred was this:
After he said what he said at the start, I simply moved forward in the conversation toward my goal without making him wrong, without pushing back, without making myself “right” or making the workshop “right”.
I skipped it.
I listened. I understood.
I really do understand. I’ve been imprisoned in many classes I didn’t want to take, in high school and many in college. It was painful. Believe me, if there’s one person who understands the agony of sitting through a class you don’t want to take, it is me. I felt for him. I knew how awful it felt for him to be there.
So when I said, “I understand,” it was true.
And when he searched for some sinister element in my response to him, there was nothing there but pure understanding. I simply understood. I didn’t feel a need to prove it. Because my understanding was real and true, I knew he would see it. When it’s real, you don’t worry about “projecting” it.
It was simple.
I understood him. I let him know I understood him. I invited him to observe. Free to make up or change his mind. Then I just moved on. Forward.
Because I didn’t step into the trap, he didn’t either.
That left him free to observe. When people are truly free to observe, without being told what to think or see, they observe for themselves and you don’t have to “convince” them.
When you let go of the lies we’ve been told about “what people are like”, when you master the ability to create REAL communication, when you fully grasp the power of REAL understanding, when you have the ability to receive their ideas and the ability to reach other human beings with your ideas, magic will happen. It will surprise you.
Go for it. Try it out. Let me know your success stories. I love reading them.
Be the cause!