Alaya communicated with subdued beauty and grace. And people walked all over her.
Alaya comes from a culture that values extreme politeness in women. Women are rigorously taught to listen, be sensitive and respond.
Alaya personally believes in this. Impoliteness creates a feeling in her that something is terribly wrong. She withdraws when faced with it.
Professionals and execs in large high-tech corporations are focused on getting things done fast (now) and “my way”. Politeness is a luxury they can’t always afford. So they mis-read Alaya’s politeness as acquiescence and rammed their agendas through, ending meetings and conversations without ever hearing her thoughts.
Alaya is intelligent, observant. She has many ideas. She was waiting for someone to come along who wanted to hear them. In the meantime, the world was whizzing past her at 70 miles an hour, on their way to somewhere else.
When Alaya showed up for the workshop, I recognized that her extreme sensitivity to others was a gift that made her extremely valuable to the world.
Having delivered our programs in 47 countries now, I’ve seen what different cultures teach about communication. I see it every week.
Each culture teaches something good about communication, something other cultures would find interesting and beneficial. However, no culture teaches the full, well-rounded Communication Formula that we teach. This leaves big gaps in a person’s ability to communicate and these big gaps cause them problems.
For example, Alaya’s culture teaches beauty and grace, something our culture could certainly use more of, but entirely skipped teaching Alaya how to express her ideas, leaving more than half the communication formula missing from her ability to survive in the corporate world.
Specifically, she was missing how to combine intention with grace to communicate her ideas so she could be heard. And she was missing how to bridge over to her ideas after someone very passionately had expressed theirs and was ready to move on without hearing her out. How to open that door? And do it politely. With grace.
Alaya described her problem like this:
“I seem to not get their 100% focus on listening to me when it is my turn to speak. It is like talking to a wall. They are not listening and translate my listening as agreement and their victory. And with me leaving conversations with my side un-said, it is leading me to feel burned out.”
Alaya still communicates with beauty and grace. She is still soft-spoken. Wonderfully polite. But today, a year after the workshop, she has experienced what a year of transformation does to every part of life. Her emails to me now are a celebration.
She has learned to add the magic ingredient of intention into her communication. Not forcefulness, but the power of strong intent that carries her words across to bridge all divides.
This is how she describes herself now:
“I have reclaimed my power in the conversation. THE COMMUNICATION FORMULA HAS CHANGED MY LIFE (the workshop); my relationship with MYSELF is better; hence my relationship with others is better (family, colleagues, strangers).
“I am so confident in my AUTHENTIC self; I am 100% at ease with myself. I have worked hard on myself so I am proud of where I am. And I’m making progress every day. I am learning every day.
“I am CAUSING outcomes that I want left, right and center.”
The world is now listening to Alaya. And they like her ideas. She is being selected for leadership positions and invited to speak at leadership conferences.
If you are not CAUSING the outcomes you want, my hunch is that you’re missing one (or more) of the pieces of the Communication Formula.
In the span of a single one of our workshops, you can get those missing pieces and put yourself in a position where the world will listen to YOU, just like it listens to Alaya.
Be the cause!