Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Holiday Family Survival Guide

The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays.  I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.

From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never.  It was not always the same person, we would rotate.

We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.

Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do.  If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.

That’s how it used to be.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
The one thing that can transform every ...

Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.

It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.

At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to change people without saying a word

Thanksgiving has inspired this article because Thanksgiving always reminds me how wonderful, even magical, affinity is.

Affinity is a feeling. It’s what you’re feeling about the other person, your emotional response to them. And very specifically, it’s how much you like them in that moment.

Affinity can fluctuate, even within one conversation. You can start out with low affinity and end up with high affinity. Or start high and go low.

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
How to completely change the way people listen ...

“I’m now walking into meetings and making what I want happen. The first thing I noticed was that everyone started listening to me differently. Even my boss. Now people go quiet when I speak and genuinely listen, even my superiors. I hadn’t realized there are different kinds of listening. This is REALLY different. After that, it’s not hard.”

This broke all the rules considering where Agoston was on the corporate ladder. He was young, early in career and had no authority. But he spoke up at meetings, in hallways and conversations. His influence was growing daily. It wasn’t long before he was promoted and began rapidly moving up the organization.

Before he did the Causative Communication workshop, no one listened to him.

What made the difference for Agoston was mastering the skill of…

Coaching, Executive Presence
Ingrid Gudenas
Instead of persuading, try this...

The question, “What do I need to say to get the outcome I want?”  is a good question. Knowing the answer to it is essential to being causative.

The reason people experience difficulties when they’re looking at a situation through this lens is because they don’t realize that they’re skipping steps.

Coaching

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The secret to successful high-stakes communication

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Flashback to three years ago – Susan: “I don’t think it’s going to work.”

I was looking at a beautiful, strong and successful corporate attorney. Susan wasn’t being defiant. She genuinely didn’t think what I was teaching was going to work.

Susan faces tough negotiations.  No one backs down, no one gives an inch, they aggressively fight for every possible advantage.  They pounce at any hint of vulnerability.  Warmth is construed as weakness.

It’s a high-stakes game played with millions of dollars. It’s not an arena for taking risks lightly. It’s certainly not one where you would try something that you didn’t think was going to work just to see if your communications instructor was right about it.

What were we talking about? Acknowledgments.  Susan was my student in a communications class and I had just covered the power of acknowledgment.

The key to a really good acknowledgment is the listening that precedes it.

In difficult situations people’s minds are usually racing around too much to really hear what the other person is saying. They’re too busy disagreeing or trying to figure out what they’re going to say, manufacturing a winning rebuttal.

A really good acknowledgment starts with really good listening.  And real listening always includes being interested.  It always includes understanding.  By definition, it must.  Whether or not you agree.  And ESPECIALLY when you disagree.

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How to disagree

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Laura:  "I would like to make a change in the process to improve it."

Me:  "We’ve always done it this way, it's been working fine. I don’t see why we need to change it now."

Laura:  "I understand." 

(Said coldly, with absolutely no understanding in tone of voice)

I was coaching Laura how to acknowledge others. As she practiced scenarios that were challenging for her, like the one above, her words were right, but her tone destroyed her acknowledgement. 

Your tone of voice is MUCH more important than your words.  Your tone of voice reflects what you're really thinking and you can't fake it. 

I asked Laura, "You said you understand.  DO you understand?"

Laura laughed and said, "No! I can't understand it!"

I said, "How come?"  Laura said, "I think what they’re saying is a really stupid reason."

I said, "Oh! You’re too busy disagreeing to understand!" 

Laura laughed and said, "Precisely!”

And this is what happens between people.  When they don’t agree, they withdraw their understanding.

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The power of one person listening

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Nothing changes a person faster than the way you listen to them.

One of my students, Carl, has a coworker named Marty. Marty is loud, stubborn, arrogant, and acts like he is the only one who knows the right way to do anything, whether he does or not.  Marty also says, “No” when you ask him for resources, time, help, anything.

Marty has managed to alienate just about everyone. He also talks a lot.  When he starts to talk, people leave.  If there's no escape, they endure Marty’s speeches, but always with a look of pain on their faces. 

No one has managed to get Marty to listen.  Every point they make about an issue triggers a counter-point from Marty that easily turns into an argument if they respond to it.

The problem is that Marty has influence and he can't be ignored.  People like Carl rely on him for resources and cooperation.  Marty's been there a long time, he’s knowledgeable, he’s just utterly unwilling to hear to anyone else's viewpoint. 

As Carl asked me for help, it was obvious to me that Marty was unable to receive ANY incoming communication from others – he rejected all of it.

I also knew that no one was listening to Marty. They already “knew” what he was saying was wrong, so they would shut him out the moment he started talking and not hear him. They didn't realize they were doing the exact same annoying thing to Marty that he was doing to them.

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Pulling a star down from the sky

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“Hi Ingrid,

Just wanted to let you know I’ve been promoted to VP, due in no small part to your coaching. I wanted to thank you. I’m looking forward to great things ahead.

Sincerely, Henry”

I got this email this week. It’s the email I love getting, when my clients reach for the stars in the sky and experience the powerful satisfaction of pulling one down.

I especially smiled big on this one. I remembered how it all started.

 Tom, an SVP, that I’m coaching, told me, “I have someone reporting to me that I want to send to you. I want to promote him to VP but let me tell you what’s happening.  Henry’s been with the company for over 20 years and deserves to be a VP.  He rubbed me the wrong way when I first met him, but then I saw what a good job he does. He’s really good at getting business results.  I talked to the Executive Vice President but he nixed Henry’s promotion to VP because of his communication skills – he spent 20 minutes talking about how terrible they are. Henry has no executive presence, he rubs a lot of people the wrong way, he thinks he knows everything, he’s smug, dismissive, he interrupts, he’s always rolling his eyes when others offer up their ideas.  He shows up for virtual meetings in shorts, tank top and bare feet.  He leans back in his chair when others are talking and looks totally disinterested and even disgusted.  It’s hard enough to become a VP in this company, but Henry really has the deck stacked against him.  I want you to help him if he’s willing.”

The first time I met Henry, he said, “I’m open to trying your coaching, but I gotta warn you - this is not going to be easy. I’ve had coaching before, and I hated it. They keep trying to change me and I’ve got to be me. I don’t know how you’re gonna do it. I am me and I don’t want to be anybody else and I’ve gone through life feeling like if they don’t like it, it’s their problem.” 

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How to be the authority, even if the CEO is in the room

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Sam was about to enter the room to give his 3rd quarterly presentation to the Board of Directors of a $50 billion multinational corporation.

The presenter before him had 45 minutes and came in with 79 slides. No surprise, they ran over their time.  By the time Sam walked in they said, “Hurry up, come on in, we’re running late, let’s get started.”

Sam walked in thinking he’d find the same room he’d experienced in his two previous Board meeting presentations.  He was completely unprepared to find four times as many people in the room.

The person ushering Sam in was trying to move him to his seat very quickly. Sam started to ask a question, someone cut him off and said, “Let’s just get started, we’re running late.”

Sam felt off kilter, but started anyway, rushing, going a little too fast, talking too much, trying to get it all in, looking around, trying to find faces he knew to connect with in the crowd, feeling totally off.

A CEO of a major corporation, new on the Board, interrupted Sam and said, “I want to challenge one of the points you just made.” and asked Sam a somewhat hostile question.  Sam knew the answer, but he stumbled and was awkward. The CEO said, “That’s not a good enough answer, I need more specifics.”  Sam recovered somewhat and answered with more specifics. The CEO didn’t say anything, but he didn’t look satisfied either.

A week later Sam showed up for Executive Coaching with me and asked, “How should I have handled this? It was dreadful!”

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Your power to create deep human connection

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Sally: “I can’t!”

Kevin: “It’s really hard!”

Mark: “I feel totally uncomfortable doing it.”

Mary: “I’m afraid people are going to think I’m weird.”

Phillip: “I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.”

I’m only giving you five examples, but I have hundreds, and probably 30 from just this week alone.

What terrible thing have I asked these people to do?

Lately, I’ve been coaching a lot of executives, leaders and people in leadership development programs. These are competent, capable, strong, courageous professionals with proven track records.

And they struggle with this.

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The secret to creating an aura of success

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Kendra was giving a sales presentation to VIP prospects. She was explaining why her company would outperform the competition and why they were a better choice as a partner, even though they were newer and not as well-known. The message was powerful. She was saying things like, “We’re best at … We have the highest record of … No one can match our…”

Her words were well crafted and she was beautifully dressed. But her overall body language was unmistakably expressing a suppressed anxiety, a “I hope you believe me, I hope this works. Are you getting what I’m saying? Do you believe me?”  It was a bit tense, with a very slight nervousness.

The prospects were sitting there listening, no expressions on their faces. Kendra became progressively deflated as she went along, and then ended weakly with, “Well that about sums it up. Those are all of our strengths as a partner and we hope to do business with you.  Let me know if you have any questions.”

They chose the competitor.

When Kendra showed up for the Transforming Your Presentation Skills workshop, she explained to me that her company actually IS the best in the industry and why. It was clear she has a compelling story, and I mean really compelling.

Her delivery, on the other hand, inspired sympathy, not success.

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The day I helped an engineer perform a miracle

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I was part of the audience watching Louis present. The audience was listening, but unmoved. Louis could feel that and was suffering.

Until recently, his career had been focused on the engineering technology that was the core of his company’s success in the high-tech industry. He had now been promoted two levels up and his presentations were no longer to other engineers. They were now business presentations, not technical presentations. All the details that had made Louis an expert within the engineering community were uninteresting to his new audience of executives. Louis felt like a fish out of water. The senior executives he was presenting to looked and felt like a panel of cold, unresponsive strangers.

Louis had two goals when he began the Transforming Your Presentation Skills workshop, two skills he wanted to learn: how to keep his audience engaged and how to be persuasive. Louis felt both were impossible for him to ever achieve.

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You had me BEFORE “Hello”

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We've all heard the expression, “You had me at ‘Hello’.”  That sounds pretty good.  But when it comes to giving presentations, for a real winner that's way too late.  The really GREAT communicators will have you before they say “Hello”.

You see them standing there and, well BEFORE they ever say anything, you can SEE there's something different about them. 

Their poise, their dignity, their self-assuredness, their utter calm, make them stand out.

They don’t look like “normal” people.  They have presence.  They own the room.

It takes you in the audience only a split second to see all that.  Enough that you're intrigued, captivated, leaning forward a little to catch their words.

They have you well before, “Hello.”

This is the hallmark of a great communicator.

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“They” want me to…

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Jennifer: “They’re only giving me two minutes in front of senior leadership to present this big idea! TWO minutes! I need your help! How do you present this in two minutes?”

Me: “Let’s take a step back. What do you really need?”

Jennifer: “I need 20 minutes!”

Me: “Good.  Why don’t we work on how to successfully communicate so that you get the 20 minutes?”

Jennifer: “Oh my gosh, could I do that?  That’s what I really want!”

Brad: “I’ve been waiting for this promotion for so long and I went to talk to my boss about it and he wants to give me a stretch assignment that has nothing to do with where my career is headed. I feel like I’m going backwards and being seriously delayed. And I’m going to be heading up a team that’s dysfunctional!  How do I convince them to get this project done, and do it fast so I can get this stretch assignment over and get back on track?”

Me: “How about if we develop the skills you need to get your boss to see that there’s a better idea than the stretch assignment and that is to promote you to vice president?”

Brad: “Oh, wow! Could we do that? That’s what I really want!”

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times, in my coaching sessions, I help a person achieve, NOT the goal they initially state, but the real goal they actually have.

Moral of the story: To be truly causative you need to make sure you are working on the goal you want to achieve, not a goal someone has given you. 

This is how people sacrifice their integrity and their basic purpose, bit by bit, until they are running under someone else’s control.  It never goes well.

These are tricky situations that take a lot of skill. Getting others to agree with you.  Getting others to change direction.  Getting others enthusiastic about cooperating with you.

People think that when they rise to positions of authority, they’ll have more control. The opposite is true:  When you have more control, you will rise to a position of authority.

You don’t need authority.  You need skills. 

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How to speak with your eyes…

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Do you have a favorite photo of you? 

If you’re like most people, you have many photos of you that you’re not crazy about, and only a small handful you like. 

That photo of you that you really like captures for forever something wonderful about you.  It’s the one photo of you that makes even you smile.  You know the one I mean.

A really good photographer knows how to bring that out in you.  That’s what I do while coaching people.  I help bring something amazing out of each of them.  My genius is in knowing how.  In this article, I want to help you see WHY you like that photo of you and why you hate the others.  And how to bring that amazing quality out of yourself and loving how you look, especially when you’re giving presentations.

I’m going to use Alessandro as an example.  Alessandro is a senior executive I coached this week, helping him prepare for a presentation he’ll be making for an audience of thousands. 

As a high level executive and technical leader, Alessandro has a unique 40,000-foot view of the industry and the future of the industry.  He’s super smart and he’s innovative.  None of this come across. 

Alessandro comes across “corporate” and dry.  Disappointingly uninspiring.  After 3 minutes, you’ll wish it was over.

How do you bring out the charisma of someone like this?

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Living the magical life of an expert communicator

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Jesse is used to doing the impossible. He just applied for a position that everyone told him he couldn’t get.  He’s been told many times that “usually” people need to “prove” themselves for several years before they’re considered for these higher levels. 

 Jesse long ago decided that “usually” was not for him.

 He applied for the position … and got it.  Right away too, I might add.

 Jesse has gotten every position he’s applied for in the last 5 years, and there have been a good number.  Many more than “usual”.  His career is on the fast track.

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The solution to thinking under pressure

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I have a client in my life who makes unreasonable requests. I know, you’re thinking, “You’re lucky it’s just one unreasonable person in your life!”  Well, there are more, but this is about a particularly prickly one. 

The requests are always over the top, and sometimes they're impossible.  At a minimum, they're "make-your-team-bend-over-backwards-to-make-this-happen".

I was always caught off guard by his demanding and harsh attitude. I used to try to reason with him, but was always a little off balance.  I never came out of the meeting feeling good. Afterward I was always thinking, "Oh, I should have said ....."

I think it was uncomfortable for him too.

I decided one day, "No more of that!" (I hate feeling like an idiot.) I realized I wasn't giving myself time to think through what he was asking. My immediate reaction was always, "You have got to be kidding!" and I never had time for a second thought before he was demanding an immediate answer.

So, I changed my operating basis.

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The look in your eyes

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The look in your eyes tells me everything I need to know.  Way in advance of it happening, I can tell by the look in your eyes if you are going to win, barely maintain, or lose.

What is it I see?  I see the strength of your intention.  It tells me everything about how it’s going to turn out for you.

Intention is something I teach, so I know a lot about it.  It’s the secret ingredient of all success.

But, intention is not generally well understood.

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The secret to being compelling

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Leo, a newly promoted Vice President in a major corporation, came to me for coaching.  He said, “I want to be compelling.”

I said, “I can help you with that. What’s the message you’re trying to get across?”

Leo said, “Oh! Do you think I need one?”

Leo wanted to be compelling because, well, he wanted to be compelling.  That was it.  He had no real message.

We see too much of this.  All show and no substance.  People who want to be powerful only to get attention. Or status. Or admiration. Or to be told they’re compelling.

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How to astonish your boss, the world and you

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Elena, one of the Vice Presidents I’m coaching, came in laughing. I’ll let her tell you why in her own words:

“Our corporate office has been making us do the wrong thing with customers. We know it’s wrong and we’ve been complaining, but nothing’s changed, we don’t do anything about it.

My boss, Andrew, and I took a trip to corporate headquarters for a meeting with the senior execs. Andrew went on a rant about how it was wrong (he was right about everything). The senior execs listened but looked stone-faced.

Normally, I would go in combative. Normally, we come in on the defensive, ready to defend our position from corporate. It was clear that “Normally” wasn’t working.

I came in ready to create a real dialogue. I came in with the mindset, “This is an opportunity where we could do something different …”

I let the conversation play out. I came in ready to listen … and I did listen to everything.

Then I took my time and really acknowledged what they said. I made sure they felt I really heard them.

Suddenly, they were ready to receive – I saw a willingness there. And I said, “We know the problem. This is a time we can change direction.”

I saw this difference in them. They were open to it.

It happened so quickly – took less than 10 minutes.

Today we got an official email telling us to go ahead.

Andrew emailed me with, “What just happened?”

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Communicating "up" without feeling intimidated

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“I want to promote him, but I can’t.”

I heard three different executives say this last week. They were talking about three very different people that report to each of them, that they want me to coach, people who – by total coincidence – have the exact same problem holding them back.

It’s not an inability to do good work or a lack of their boss’s support.

Vikram, Martin and Sharni are all doing great work. Their bosses absolutely want to promote them and are going to bat for them as best they can. They want to make Vikram a Vice President, and Martin and Sharni each a Director.

However, the bosses are getting stopped by pushback from their peers and their own bosses – all for the exact same reason:

Vikram, Martin and Sharni are not seen as “good communicators”.

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How to sound authentic

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Victor says, “I want to sound authentic.”

What a funny request. I started laughing before I caught his serious look and stopped myself.

I asked him, “Are you saying you’re not authentic, but you want to sound like you are?”

Victor: “No, that’s not it. I think I’m authentic.”

But he didn’t sound sure.

Me: “Then what’s the problem?”

Victor: “I just don’t think I sound it. And I don’t know why.”

In a flash, I took in everything about Victor, and I understood.

It started when Victor was little and in school.

Authentic means being who you are, being genuine, true, in opposition to that which is false, fictitious or counterfeit, in other words “put on” to create an appearance.

When Victor was little, I’m sure he had no trouble being authentic. No 2-year old does.

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The Stepping Stone to Executive Presence

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I was coaching Jon, a senior executive located in bustling New York City’s mid-Manhattan.

Jon wants to develop Executive Presence.

We began with presence.

Executive presence is a particular type of presence. It’s an advanced type of presence.

You need to possess tremendous presence before you can develop Executive presence.

A key factor in presence is the ability to stay in the moment.

I taught Jon the robust theory behind presence, and now he was practicing the first exercise he had to master. Jon had his eyes closed so he wouldn’t be visually distracted. He was simply sitting there, being in the moment, learning how to control his attention and awareness and simply stay in the moment.

It was difficult for Jon in the beginning. As he sat there with his eyes closed, he was struggling with a traffic jam of thoughts in his head. Worries about an upcoming meeting, snatches of yesterday’s conversations, sudden rememberings of something he’d promised. A mad rush of thoughts whirled around, colliding in his mind, distracting him from the present moment. Creating chronic anxiety.

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The secret to keeping your audience on the edge of their seats

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Here’s the thing to know about audiences: they will only stay with you as long as they are learning.

I know, I know. The problem is you don’t have exciting content to work with. You have, well, corporate presentation material. And, let’s face it, nobody’s ever made an action movie out of a corporate presentation. I know your challenge. I get it.

But just because the material may seem boring, does not mean that you have to be.

This is something you can do with your own presentations to keep your audience on the edge of their seats. I’m going to tell you how a professional keeps their audience engaged.

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