The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays. I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.
From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never. It was not always the same person, we would rotate.
We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.
Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do. If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.
That’s how it used to be.
Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.
It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.
At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”
Thanksgiving has inspired this article because Thanksgiving always reminds me how wonderful, even magical, affinity is.
Affinity is a feeling. It’s what you’re feeling about the other person, your emotional response to them. And very specifically, it’s how much you like them in that moment.
Affinity can fluctuate, even within one conversation. You can start out with low affinity and end up with high affinity. Or start high and go low.
“I’m now walking into meetings and making what I want happen. The first thing I noticed was that everyone started listening to me differently. Even my boss. Now people go quiet when I speak and genuinely listen, even my superiors. I hadn’t realized there are different kinds of listening. This is REALLY different. After that, it’s not hard.”
This broke all the rules considering where Agoston was on the corporate ladder. He was young, early in career and had no authority. But he spoke up at meetings, in hallways and conversations. His influence was growing daily. It wasn’t long before he was promoted and began rapidly moving up the organization.
Before he did the Causative Communication workshop, no one listened to him.
What made the difference for Agoston was mastering the skill of…
The question, “What do I need to say to get the outcome I want?” is a good question. Knowing the answer to it is essential to being causative.
The reason people experience difficulties when they’re looking at a situation through this lens is because they don’t realize that they’re skipping steps.
“We don’t need a reorganization.”
That simple sentence changed the fate of hundreds of people.
Bill came to me for coaching, but not with high hopes. His first words were, “I’m interested in anything you have to teach me, but I want you to know that I’m realistic and I know that there are many situations where communication doesn’t work.”
I’ve handled many difficult situations. Many difficult conversations. And I’ve spent my life helping others do the same.
I’ve seen people turn their losses around rapidly. I’ve also seen people who take a long time to recover.
The fastest, simplest and most effective way to turn around a bad situation, a bad conversation, or a bad relationship is this.
First, face the situation as it is. Don’t get drawn into “How it should have been”.
If someone is being difficult and you can walk away and not deal with them, I'm all for it. If you can go around them, or above them or go somewhere else, why waste your energy dealing with a difficult person if you don’t have to?
But there are times you can't choose to end that relationship, even though you may be able to walk away for a couple hours.
Sometimes you have a difficult boss, but no other job. Until you find another job, you can't afford to walk. Sometimes it’s immediate family that you can’t leave. What do you do then?
This article is about how to make other people’s faces light up when they see you.
At my farmer’s market on Sunday, the farmer where I buy broccoli every week, a man who is normally sullen and glum, lit up and started grinning when he saw me walking toward his vegetable stand.
Why did he do that? Because spectacular communication is rare in his life.
The staff of a senior executive in a major corporation complain he never makes time to meet with them. After my first meeting with him, he told me to always stop by his office to talk when I’m in the building. His face lights up when he sees me and he always makes time. He gives me his full attention. Our impromptu meetings often stretch to 30 or even 45 minutes.
Why does he do that? Because spectacular communication is rare in his life.
A Vice President known for never answering his emails always answers mine within hours.
Why does he do that? Because spectacular communication is rare in his life.
I haven’t even begun to tell you the results my clients get. Every day I get emails from our students about what happens when they apply the Communication Formula. They get equally spectacular results.
Real communication leaves you and the other person feeling really good.
Jennifer: “They’re only giving me two minutes in front of senior leadership to present this big idea! TWO minutes! I need your help! How do you present this in two minutes?”
Me: “Let’s take a step back. What do you really need?”
Jennifer: “I need 20 minutes!”
Me: “Good. Why don’t we work on how to successfully communicate so that you get the 20 minutes?”
Jennifer: “Oh my gosh, could I do that? That’s what I really want!”
Brad: “I’ve been waiting for this promotion for so long and I went to talk to my boss about it and he wants to give me a stretch assignment that has nothing to do with where my career is headed. I feel like I’m going backwards and being seriously delayed. And I’m going to be heading up a team that’s dysfunctional! How do I convince them to get this project done, and do it fast so I can get this stretch assignment over and get back on track?”
Me: “How about if we develop the skills you need to get your boss to see that there’s a better idea than the stretch assignment and that is to promote you to vice president?”
Brad: “Oh, wow! Could we do that? That’s what I really want!”
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times, in my coaching sessions, I help a person achieve, NOT the goal they initially state, but the real goal they actually have.
Moral of the story: To be truly causative you need to make sure you are working on the goal you want to achieve, not a goal someone has given you.
This is how people sacrifice their integrity and their basic purpose, bit by bit, until they are running under someone else’s control. It never goes well.
These are tricky situations that take a lot of skill. Getting others to agree with you. Getting others to change direction. Getting others enthusiastic about cooperating with you.
People think that when they rise to positions of authority, they’ll have more control. The opposite is true: When you have more control, you will rise to a position of authority.
You don’t need authority. You need skills.
Do you have a favorite photo of you?
If you’re like most people, you have many photos of you that you’re not crazy about, and only a small handful you like.
That photo of you that you really like captures for forever something wonderful about you. It’s the one photo of you that makes even you smile. You know the one I mean.
A really good photographer knows how to bring that out in you. That’s what I do while coaching people. I help bring something amazing out of each of them. My genius is in knowing how. In this article, I want to help you see WHY you like that photo of you and why you hate the others. And how to bring that amazing quality out of yourself and loving how you look, especially when you’re giving presentations.
I’m going to use Alessandro as an example. Alessandro is a senior executive I coached this week, helping him prepare for a presentation he’ll be making for an audience of thousands.
As a high level executive and technical leader, Alessandro has a unique 40,000-foot view of the industry and the future of the industry. He’s super smart and he’s innovative. None of this come across.
Alessandro comes across “corporate” and dry. Disappointingly uninspiring. After 3 minutes, you’ll wish it was over.
How do you bring out the charisma of someone like this?
Ruth had her mother pressed up against the refrigerator and was pushing a large knife against her Mother’s throat. Strung out by vicious crystal meth withdrawal, Ruth was screaming, “Where is your money!?” The mother was screaming back, “No! I’m not giving you any money! I gave you money for the last time. You just spend it all on drugs. I would rather die than give you any more money for drugs.”
I was on a “ride-along” with an Oakland police officer because I had been asked to deliver communications classes to the Oakland Police Academy. Since all my experience had been in the corporate world, I was there to gain experience with the types of real communications challenges they would be dealing with in their world.
In one intense week, I joined officers in investigating a homicide, chasing drug dealers, interrogating a stolen credit card suspect who swore she didn’t do it, responding to sexual abuse, talking young prostitutes off the streets and the scene in this kitchen that I will never forget.
Rich, the officer I was with, was calm. So calm, he actually created a powerful calming presence.
He spoke to Ruth. His voice was calm and filled with understanding. Rich said, “I know how you feel. It’s a feeling so horrible ripping you up inside, it would make you kill your own mother.”
There was a moment of quiet. A change was happening.
People can tell you about the state of the world, what is and isn’t possible, what’s going to happen in 2022. They can tell you these things. It doesn’t make them true. They only become true when you decide they are true.
The truth of others may spoil our dreams if we follow their truths too closely. It’s only ever your own truth that ignites the spark that makes the real goodness in your life begin.
Don’t look at what other people are doing to find out what you are capable of. Your standards may be much higher than theirs.
Solomon Asch was a pioneer in Social Psychology. He designed and conducted a series of many experiments trying to understand individual judgment, including moral and ethical judgment, and the powers that, for better or worse, influence it.
The number of participants in the experiments varied, but often there were eight. One of them was always told they would be part of an experiment on visual judgment. This person believed the other seven people were told the same thing and were participating in the experiment on the same terms. What they didn’t know was that the other seven were all actors following a script.
It is stunning to realize that there was no instruction to conform given, suggested, or even implied. Not from the experimenter. Not from the other participants. The pressure and demand to conform came entirely and completely from the pressure the person put on themselves. They were their own executioner.
There are many, many situations in life in which each of us is the seventh person.
The group was holding their breath. I could feel it. I was coaching Victoria, a young high-level executive, on her virtual presentation skills.
You could feel the fierce battle going on inside her. Victoria desperately wanted to become a fabulous public speaker. She had written me before the workshop:
“I dream of being so masterful in front of an audience that I can instantly make a persuasive impression. Unfortunately, I wasn't born with this talent.”
As badly as Victoria wanted this, she had just hit her limit. She had improved greatly, was doing much, much better, but had hit the ceiling of what she felt she could do.
I was helping her lose the self-consciousness that kept her tied up in knots. I was coaching her on creating an intensity of connection with the audience and speaking straight from the purity and strength of intention within her.
I could see a great ability was in reach and I was asking her for more.
Victoria’s eyes were pleading with me, please don’t make me do this again.
She had just done the BEST she had ever done in her life. It had taken all her strength. Now she just wanted to retreat.
I gently told her I would like her to do it again. And this time, to free that intention within her from all restraint and give it a full 100%.
Even though we were virtual, I could feel the group’s sympathy for Victoria and their disbelief that I was suggesting she push past her limit.
As she considered my request, a change came over Victoria. A determination followed by boldness appeared in her eyes. They filled with intensity and power. With calm, unshakable strength and presence, she faced directly into the camera. She suddenly looked big. The corporate world had never seen this Victoria.
She looked at me and with a grin said, “Let’s do it.”
And then Victoria smoothly hit it out of the park. It was so profound and so beautiful, I almost cried.
The audience was breathless. Victoria was radiant. And best of all, she had complete certainty this ability was now hers forever.
Mission accomplished.
“I can’t” was turned into “I did. And I can do it again.”
In our workshops we ask you to accomplish magic with your communication and your presentations.
We gently help you push past your limits. One after the other.
Why do I push you past your limits?
Because you don’t have any.
That’s the simple truth.
Did anyone tell you that you do? They were wrong.
You have no limits. None.
If they were real, I couldn’t get you past them.
Only your own thoughts are capable of stopping you. And you can command those.
My purpose is to encourage and help you be unstoppable as you create understandings and inspiration in the world around you.
Next time you think you’ve hit a limit to what you can do, get the idea, “I don’t see any limits. None. There’s nothing I can’t do.” Spend one moment looking out at life with this idea.
See what that does for you. Your own eyes might fill with power and determination.
And know that I’m with you in spirit whenever you do it, grinning and silently cheering you on, because I know how true it actually is.
Be the cause!
Last week I wrote our Mastering Virtual Presentations graduates are frequently told they’re authentic. And how this happens naturally, completely without effort, when they’re comfortable, filled with well-being and a strong feeling of affinity for their audience.
This beautiful combination of emotions breathes life into a compelling authenticity that enraptures their audience.
I also wrote about how surprised audiences are when they see it. Their delight is sudden and quite surprised.
Usually in these Causative Communication articles I give you answers. This week I’m going to give you questions. I’m sure you have answers for them within you.
First question:
Why is it that in large corporations people are so SURPRISED when they see someone being this kind of authentic during a presentation? Not just executives, but at every level of the organization?
Second question:
Would anyone in your organization be surprised if you were this kind of authentic? Why would that be?
Third question:
Is this important?
I’m interested in hearing how you see it. Just email me and let me know …
Be the cause!
Danny was completely taken aback. He had just made a breakthrough in his ability to give virtual presentations. The others in the workshop showered him with kudos. One particular aspect of his presentation received overwhelming praise. Many voices said, “That was so authentic!” The audience LOVED it.
Danny turned to me in complete confusion. I had not coached him at all on being authentic. Even more puzzling, Danny had not felt inauthentic in any way before. And yet everyone was telling him he was now suddenly authentic.
I’ve seen this a lot. Our graduates frequently hear, “That was so authentic”. Their audiences always love it. And them.
It’s peculiar because I never coach for being more authentic. Only for communicating more effectively.
So, what’s happening here?
Previously, when Danny was giving presentations, his attention was distracted by many things: his material, feeling like he was performing, apprehensive that he was being judged, concerned about how he was coming across, a little worried about the outcome, wishing he could see their faces so he could gauge their reactions, thinking about what he was going to say next, and keeping an eye on the clock.
So you can understand why Danny was tense. Tense comes from the Latin word tendo, meaning stretched. Danny was stretched.
I’ve worked with large corporations for over 30 years. Professionals and executives at every level are used to feeling tense. It’s normal. Feeling completely comfortable is not.
Watching your back is normal. Being relaxed is not.
After a while, being slightly tense, or even very tense, is habitual.
You tell someone to relax, they look at you puzzled and say, “I AM relaxed!” They never notice they’re not.
And they don’t notice how cold they’ve become. They are completely shocked when they see their own videos. They don’t realize that this constant worry depletes their natural affinity for others.
My coaching helped Danny become completely COMFORTABLE. At ease. Unworried.
This set the foundation for his next step, allowing himself to LIKE the people in his audience. And to really feel it as he presented to them.
You don’t tell your audience that you have affinity for them. That’s not the point. You just have to FEEL it.
A funny thing happens when you’re completely comfortable. A happiness inside you grows.
Another funny thing happens when you feel real affinity for others. The happiness inside you grows bigger, spills over into your relationships and sparks that affinity in the people you’re talking to.
Then it snowballs.
Suddenly, everyone is relaxed, comfortable, happy and filled with a strong liking for you and for each other, filled with a really good feeling.
It’s a feeling. It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not your words. It’s not what you say. It’s a feeling.
It supersedes logic. It actually commands logic.
You have a tremendous potential and capacity for affinity. When you tap into it, magic happens.
And, if you’re in one of my workshops, suddenly everyone is telling you, “You are so authentic.”
This triggers a series of profound questions.
Authentic means genuine. It comes from a Greek word meaning straight from the author. In other words, direct from you.
The opposite of authentic is contrived, which means invented, the idea being that when you’re not authentic, you’re inventing yourself in a way to please others, and that makes you not genuine.
When you start thinking you have to please others or come across a certain way, you start performing, not communicating. That will make you tense.
It’s possible you receive a tremendous amount of personal “feedback” on what you need to do to please others.
If you listen and follow all this “advice”, what happens to the real you?
And why is it that, when I coach people and they achieve a state of being completely comfortable and they’re filled with genuine affinity for the people they’re talking to, that the world tells them, they are being truly authentic?
Most importantly, after hearing so many of my students be told they’re authentic, I have this question for you: Is being comfortable and being filled with affinity for others possibly the REAL you?
If it is, what would happen if you revitalized this (or any) aspect of the real you fully in all your relationships? In your virtual meetings and presentations? What would happen if this was how you lived your life?
Be the cause!
Julian is 28 years old and earns about as much in one month as most people make in a year.
He’s a highly talented negotiator working for a powerful investment firm, regularly closing multi-million dollar deals.
Julian swaggers when he walks. He glances, but doesn’t really look, AT you.
He’s a guy you admire from a distance but don’t warm up to. In many ways, Julian looks like he just stepped out of a movie. Handsome and intimidating.
But there is no warmth, and no soul.
His boss told him to get some coaching to develop leadership skills, which sent Julian into some serious self-scrutiny. He picked me as a coach because he could tell I understood him and because I work with people his age. He chose one-on-one coaching because he wanted to really let his hair down in our sessions.
All of the leaders Julian had encountered in his brief but successful career are intimidating. They create reverence with their success, their incredible wealth, the names on their client list, their mansions and fast cars, their air of superiority.
These were Julian’s leadership role models.
It didn’t take him long to slip into designer shoes and imitate their arrogance. His rapid financial success confirmed the wisdom of this approach to life.
The problem was, Julian was not only NOT connecting with others, the problem was, he was no longer connected with himself. And he was terrified of doing so.
Terrified that if he dropped this persona, he would no longer be successful. He would be considered weak, average, ordinary, nothing special. Quite simply, a loser.
He had come to believe that the way to achieve respect is to overawe people. That more than anything, you have to be impressive, to impress. In his words, “You have to be cool.”
In our first session, as Julian grew to trust me, he leaned forward and with a very penetrating look said, “My soul feels empty.”
No surprise.
Many future leaders come to me wanting to learn how to impress others. There’s a very false idea out there that being an effective leader means you need to be impressive.
We spent a number of sessions stripping away everything that was NOT Julian. And then we spent the rest of our time working on how to communicate effectively.
Afterward he wrote me:
“Society had taught me that to be cool and to swagger was very important. I learned from you that being earnest works even better.
“I tried using the skills I learned from you during a major negotiation and was tremendously successful. I am now negotiating 150% revenue of what I was before. I learned that being earnest is actually way more cool.
“It’s like I was wearing sunglasses, even inside, when I was talking to people. Now I’ve taken the sunglasses off and I am really looking at others and connecting with them.
“My experience of people is so much better. I thoroughly enjoy it. I feel more fulfilled. I am much more effective when I want to get something done. I’m able to slow down, stop and truly connect. It’s now snowballed into more and more parts of my life. I truly see how powerful this is. It’s how I want to live my life.”
So, what is it that Julian learned? He learned that the leader anyone should follow is within.
Yes, that leader should learn how to communicate effectively.
But finding that true leader, following that true leader, the one within, that’s the right and best leader for you. That’s where your best leadership lessons will come from.
Be the cause!
He said it with a little laugh, but that didn’t make it any less true:
“I’m an engineer. We don’t have feelings.”
People from all over the world were attending my online training Mastering Virtual Presentations. Michael was in the UK.
I was coaching him as part of a demonstration on how to create rapport with your audience.
I wish I could say it was the first time I ever heard those words. I do a lot of work with technical leaders from many industries, and this phrase shows up frequently.
Where does it come from? People are not born with a special engineering/technical gene that’s also missing feelings.
If there’s one thing that human beings are born with, it’s feelings. And we are born with a lot of them!
And when we start life, we know what they are! A two-year-old has no uncertainty, doubts, confusion, or ambiguity. Whatever they’re feeling, it’s as clear as a sunny day. To them. And to you.
When we go to school we expect to be taught reading, writing and arithmetic. We don’t expect to be taught what to feel.
Yet there is an extremely powerful covert operation going on to teach us exactly that.
There’s a huge problem with this. We already know what we’re feeling, thank you very much! And that IS what we’re feeling!
Yet others determinedly decide to have a say in the matter. So we are incessantly rewarded and punished as a way of getting us to replace our actual emotions with synthetic substitutes. “You shouldn’t feel that way. You should feel this way.” “Don’t be so enthusiastic. Can’t you be calm about this?” “You’re not bored, you’re unmotivated.” (Forget that the teacher is as boring as watching the grass grow. That’s not her fault! It’s yours!) “You’re not in love. You’re infatuated.” “You need to learn to control your emotions.” “You should love math!” “How can you like him? He’s no good!” “But you’ve GOT to like Aunt Agatha! She’s your aunt!” “Stop having fun! You need to be serious, corporate and professional now!”
In other words, “Stop being so alive! Stop acting on your feelings! Stop feeling what you’re feeling, feel what I tell you to feel and, for heaven’s sake, sit still!”
We sit still, our feelings are suppressed and gradually “socially acceptable” ones take over.
We become afraid to publicly feel what we’re really feeling. So when we do get a strong feeling, we keep it private and only tell the very few people we trust.
I don’t imagine that Michael took a class when he was studying engineering called Appropriate Feelings for Engineers 101. But I’ve worked with many engineers, and by the time they graduate, a lot of them have a Ph.D. in how engineers are “supposed” to feel.
The problem is they’re not supposed to feel anything.
They’re only supposed to think and reason.
And now years later, in addition to being a technology genius, Michael wants to be a leader of people. He’s giving a presentation to a virtual audience and he wants to create rapport with them.
You see the problem?
Who wants a leader who doesn’t feel anything?
Amongst the many feelings that people learn to suppress, there’s one in particular that, when lost, robs them of their humanity, their soul.
That one is called affinity. You can think of it as love or liking. And I specifically mean, your affinity for other people, how much you like or love them.
When your natural affinity is restrained or extinguished, you are to that degree a ghost of your former self.
Michael’s presentations were technically brilliant. He is super smart, eloquent, articulate and expresses his ideas well.
But his affinity for others was silenced, making his heart and facial expression detached and impersonal. And I can assure you that, regardless of how many people he has in the audience, whether 3 or 300, their facial expressions will be also be deadpan and unmoved.
They may be interested in the topic, but their hearts and faces will be passionless. And very soon a number of them will disengage and start multitasking.
I asked Michael if he liked the people he’s talking to in his audience. With an indifferent, matter-of-fact tone and a little shoulder shrug he said, “Yeah, sure.”
That’s not genuine affinity.
The problem Michael was having is that he’s been forbidden to feel or express affinity for so many years, it’s trapped inside him. He couldn’t even reach it.
As I coached him, it’s very important that you know I was NOT trying to make him feel a certain way. That would have been compounding the crime that had already been committed on him.
What I was doing was rehabilitating a natural feeling that had been beaten into hiding. I was bringing it back to life. It doesn’t take long.
As the affinity inside him grew, something amazing happened. Everything about Michael’s face changed.
I don’t know how many muscles a human face has. I read it was some ridiculously high number like 40. Every single one of Michael’s 40 facial muscles moved into a different position and totally changed how he looked.
Michael’s eyes also changed completely. That in itself totally transformed how he looks at you through the camera. His eyes now have incredible aliveness, great warmth and a definite twinkle. (Yes, he is now an engineer with a twinkle in his eye!)
Michael suddenly looked younger.
And then, as a natural result of all that, the smile that appeared is that of an angel.
Feeling affinity did that. How powerful is that?
The warmth radiating from Michael transcended all the technology we were using to communicate. He no longer felt like he was behind a computer screen, miles across a wide ocean, on the other side of the world.
It feels like Michael’s sitting right here in front of you. And the warmth that his eyes are emanating fills your own heart and your soul with huge warmth and happiness.
All of us in the session, spanning many continents, were suddenly smiling. And smiling and smiling and smiling and smiling.
We were in total rapport with him.
Michael created that.
If you start paying attention, you’ll notice the overt, and frequently covert, operation in play, telling you to subdue your happiness with, and love, for others. You don’t need this tampering with your affection.
You have a natural affinity, even a beautiful, natural love for others, inside you. The only side effect of letting it grow is that others begin feeling a beautiful, natural love for you.
Let yourself feel it. Then talk. See what happens.
Genius plus rapport, that’s what makes a true leader of people.
Be the cause!
We all had tears in our eyes. Sarah is an exec in the C-suite of a successful organization. This senior leadership team completed the intensive Causative Communication Coaching Summit
and now, a month later in our follow up session, they were talking about the wins they experienced in the preceding month.
This was personal.
Sarah‘s 12-year-old son, Jason, had hit a stage where he wouldn’t look at her. Never. He defiantly turned his head away from every conversation.
Can you imagine the pain wrenching her heart? The overwhelming sadness that you’ve lost your boy. Physically he’s still in the house, but she’s lost his eyes. She’s lost his heart. She’s lost his trust. She’s lost that feeling of being connected to her son.
The most painful realization is knowing that saying, “I’d like you to look at me when we talk to each other” does no better than produce a look of resentment you never want to see in your son’s eyes.
What I love about Causative Communication is that you learn simple truths that require light energy and produce powerful outcomes.
We spend a lot of time on the concept of affinity. This is one of the most misunderstood, undervalued, underutilized and INDISPENSABLE elements of emotionally satisfying human relationships.
I’m going to dedicate several issues of these articles exploring what affinity accomplishes.
Affinity ISN’T what you’re thinking. Affinity is what you’re FEELING.
It’s how much you like or love them in that moment. And how much you’re feeling it.
A mother would naturally say, “Of course I love my son!” And, of course, we know it’s true.
But, IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW – are you FEELING it?
You’ll hear: “Well, no! He won’t look at me!”
The ability to create that affinity within yourself is one of the HIGHEST capabilities we humans possess.
It’s an ability. And, just like any other ability, it needs to be activated.
After Sarah’s coaching session, she knew her #1 priority for applying what she’d learned: Jason.
Soon after, Jason happened to oh-so-briefly glance at Sarah while she was talking to him. He did a double take. He saw something in her eyes that hadn’t been there.
Sarah was filled with great affinity for him and it was reflected in her eyes. That’s where it lives to the outside world.
He looked back at her, exploring her eyes, trying to identify what he was seeing, because it was so new.
As he looked at her, Sarah’s affinity for him grew and there was even more in her eyes.
Wide-eyed, Jason looked at her. And looked, and looked, and looked. Then, magically, his eyes filled with affinity.
Their relationship, their conversations, completely transformed at that point. She had her son back.
A mother often looks at her newborn baby with love pouring from her eyes. The baby looks back, matching her affinity. This affinity, these looks, diminish over time. Parents give their growing children, especially teenagers, very critical looks as they watch them. Totally different. And they get totally different results in their relationships.
And don’t even get me started at how we look at each other when we work in large corporations!
Do we need this affinity when we’re babies, but discard that need as adults?
Hardly.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to bring these beautiful looks, these beautiful eyes, back. All you have to do is really feel great affinity, and it will show in your eyes and create magic.
Affinity always creates magic. Gently over time, even the most drastic of relationships can be restored. And good relationships can flourish like never before.
You can’t wait for the other person to go first. But if you do want them to go first, get them reading my articles and attending my coaching sessions. Otherwise, you’re the leader.
At one of our coaching sessions this week, one of our students asked, “Should I have affinity even when I’m talking to senior executives?”
Answer: It doesn’t matter if it’s your 12-year-old son, your CEO, or a colleague you haven’t been getting along with. Affinity always produces the most magical effect. Want to see it for yourself? It’s easy enough. Feel it. Then go talk to them.
Causative Communication is about having real answers. This is one of them.
Be the cause!
I teach something that’s totally different. Something you never learn in school. I teach people how to be causative.
Being causative means that’s how you operate. You make something happen.
From the outside, it looks like magic, even though it’s not.
Being causative means you continuously direct the course of your conversations to make life turn out the way you want.
The people who say that’s not possible are the ones who don’t know how. There are many of them. Don’t listen to them. What they say won’t help you.
The truth is that there are very natural formulas for being causative that always work.
The reason people like what I teach, why they like these formulas, is they like things that are natural and always work.
What’s amazing is that even one component of these formulas is enough to create miracles.
I got an email this week from a graduate of Building a Foundation for Causative Communications that said:
“I want to tell you that participating in the class has really helped me. Confession: I've been slacking off in the way I communicate, especially with my wife. I have started putting my FULL 100% attention on her when we are talking. Wow! What a HUGE difference! You have saved me from going down that dark road of unhappy marriages. I'm real excited about keeping this part of the formula in play ALL the time!”
I teach many people every week. My inbox is flooded with their success stories.
I use money to put gas in my car and buy fresh vegetables at the farmers’ market. But my real pay comes in the form of these success stories, talking to my students long after the class is over and hearing the happiness in their voices.
My message to the world is that there is something called REAL communication. It does NOT include all talking.
How you know it’s REAL communication is that real communication, whether you’re asking for a promotion, negotiating a deal, navigating a difficult conversation or talking to your 17-year-old, always produces these results:
Understanding
A great feeling of affinity between you (warmth, liking, even love)
Positive outcome you’re really happy with (and they are too)
It takes SKILL to be causative in all conversations, to always create these outcomes.
It doesn't take any skill to create unpleasant conversations, disagreement, a fear of speaking up, conflict, or unsatisfying relationships.
Being causative takes real skill. Real skill takes work. No one won the Olympic gold on talent alone. Or just with a positive attitude.
I have a vision of a much, much happier world, filled with people who can make things happen simply by communicating extremely well. In their personal lives, at work, and in society. A world filled with happy people creating REAL communication in every area of their lives.
My graduates demonstrate it can be done. Every day we are closer. Don’t settle for less.
Be the cause!
Melissa’s days are one virtual meeting after another. They make her tired. By the end of many hours spent in front of her computer screen, she’s depleted. Giving presentations is the most draining.
She’s not alone. I’ve heard this from a good number of people.
Melissa, like many, made the mistake of thinking that being virtual caused her energy drain. Her exact words were, “Being virtual all day long is exhausting.”
If this is happening to you, I can assure you, it’s not because you’re virtual.
It’s not that you shouldn’t get outside, because you should.
But what makes a person tired or energized, whether virtual or in-person, has everything to do with the quality of communication that you experience throughout your day.
See if this isn’t true:
Even a one-hour unsatisfying or frustrating meeting will leave you de-energized. Trying to pay attention to 30 minutes of uninspired boredom will sap the life out of you. A lousy conversation will leave you feeling wasted. A meaningless conversation will leave you feeling empty. Giving a presentation with no response from the audience can leave you feeling dead.
Just a couple of these in one day can make you need to lie down at 5 pm.
You’re putting energy out, but no energy is coming back and you get depleted. It affects you physically.
Real human connections and great conversations don’t do that.
Real human connections and great conversations are energizing.
They breathe life into you.
Think about it.
Melissa’s problem, like for many people, was not knowing how to create real human connections, how to make really great interactions and presentations happen when she’s virtual.
The most common thing I hear is, “But I can’t see them! I can’t see their reactions! I can’t create a human connection if I can’t see them!”
When someone says this, it tells me they don’t understand what real human connection is all about.
If it were true that you have to see people to connect with them, blind people would never be able to make deep human connections. And this is far from the truth.
Take three amazing blind men: Stevie Wonder, Andrea Bocelli and Ray Charles.
They never saw anyone. Yet they each created, and continue to create, timeless and deep human connections with tens of millions of people around the world.
The human connections these three blind men create are pure magic. Everyone who’s talked to them in person speaks of it too.
You might say, “Sure I could do that, if I could sing like they can.”
But you actually CAN do it with words, with the ability to create REAL communication, REAL interchange with another person, REAL rapport with many people at one time when you’re giving a presentation.
Creating a deep human connection goes WAY beyond in-person visual perception.
Whether you’re speaking, writing, emailing, singing, painting or using sign language … and whether you have sight or are blind … the following IS true.
Real human connections are created by the ability to SEE and FEEL people with OTHER senses besides your eyes, by the QUALITY of how you express yourself, by your ability to REACH others with powerful understanding, real meaning, unrestrained, overwhelming affinity and a commanding intention.
These are all ABILITIES you can master and use to create a powerful, and even emotional, impact, REGARDLESS of whether or not your eyes ever see the other person.
I know you can do it because I teach people how to do it every day.
Melissa dedicated herself to learning how and now her days are powered with the skills she developed during both Causative Communications and Mastering Virtual Presentations.
She now leaves meetings satisfied, leaves her presentations energized, flying high.
But, in her own mind, what’s best of all, is that she’s energizing everyone she talks to. After a challenging presentation she emailed me:
“I could not see the people, but I felt their energy, and there was no stopping me. Lots of positive feedback including from my boss. Afterward some told me they even got goose bumps.”
And everyone wants her in their meetings. Of course they do! She wipes out their tiredness and makes them feel refreshed, new again.
Being able to make this happen is energizing. It gives you the BEST kind of energy.
You’re capable of creating that kind of magic in your own life.
If you’re tired at the end of the day, RAISE the QUALITY of your communication and your relationships.
I’m not trying to get you to do my training as much as I’m trying to tell you that you are fully capable of it, that this is all inside you, waiting to come out.
Of course, if you’d like a guide to get you there fast, that’s what I love to do and I’m here for you.
Be the cause!
I have coached almost 1,000 people since this all began. from individual contributors to CEOs.
The phrase I’m hearing more than any other, and more than I’ve ever heard in the past, is the expression, making a deep human connection.
People are longing for this connection. Eager to know how to create it, despite the big chunks of metal sitting in front of them, and the many miles separating the other person.
They’re wishing for this connection from you. In this article I’ll tell you how.
I was coaching a group of executives last week on this very building block of Causative Communications. They had an important message to communicate.
But they came across as disconnected, distant and, quite frankly, like uncaring corporate robots.
This isn’t who they really are.
They’re people just like you and me. They’re intimidated by being alone in a room, feeling like they have to perform, feeling like they’re being judged and talking to a camera that is dead, dead, dead.
And that’s how they came across. Dead, dead, dead.
What makes me a really good coach is that I clearly perceive and discern the difference between how a person is being and who they really are.
For a variety of reasons, reasons that I won’t get into in this article, people are not being who they really are. Too many times they don’t even know who they really are.
Who they’re being is who they think they’re supposed to be, except that they’re often very confused about even about who that is.
When you work in a large corporation, you think you’re supposed to be corporate and professional. And most people don’t fully understand what that is either.
When you’re dealing with communication, who you’re supposed to be is someone who makes a REAL human connection and communicates effectively.
It has nothing to do with your hand gestures. It comes from deep within you.
My job is to help people (like you) find this part of themselves (it’s actually easy because I know where to look).
And then help them express themselves and handle whatever comes back to them so as to build outstanding relationships, incredible understandings and positive outcomes. The three outcomes that always accompany REAL communication.
This results in joy.
I know you’re stuck at home and everyone you’re talking to is on the other side of your computer screen.
If you want to experience deep human connections, you have to create them. You’ll want to do what the group of execs I was coaching are doing.
Make the technology between you and the other person disappear. Create the feeling that you are right there with them and that they are right there with you inches from your face.
Create that deeply personal eye contact that happens in the best relationships.
Talk with them like you’re having an intimate conversation and no one‘s listening.
That’s what brings out the best in you. That’s what brings out the best in them. That’s what creates a deep human connection.
These executives, when they did this, were absolutely amazing.
In reality, we were all over the world. I was sitting at my dining room table.
But I felt like each of them was sitting around the table with me. And we were having a very real, very warm, very intimate, very caring, personal conversation.
I was swept away. The technology had melted away. I fell in love with each of them.
A couple of hours before, they had been strangers. They had been “corporate and professional”. Formal. Lips were smiling, surface was pleasant. But they were emotionally chilly. And kind of scary.
By the end of the coaching, we all just wanted to hang out. I felt so connected, I knew I was going to miss each one of them dreadfully as soon as the call was over.
They left me with a lingering good feeling. I got off the live meeting and was still smiling for hours after. I have no doubt each one of them was too.
It’s not so important that they created this impact on me. Or on each other. What’s important is that they now are able to create this impact on EVERYONE they talk with. Virtually and in person.
This is true power.
The world is longing for a deep human connection from you. The best thing you can do right now is to reach out to them, make the technology and distance disappear, and create it.
That is the work I do. Let me know when this journey (and its great, great rewards) calls to you.
Be the cause!
Last week, Mark came out of his virtual meetings feeling drained. This week he’s leaving each meeting exhilarated.
For the past several months, a new management team struggled with (in their words) lack of trust and suspicion. This week, they’re filled with great affinity for each other and are finding great pleasure in working together.
Last week, Andy and his wife were getting on each other’s nerves after being confined to their house for so long. This week, they’re enjoying being together and having the best conversations ever, so happy they found each other again.
Last week, Lisa, a millennial, felt disrespected and dismissed by the people she worked with, and resented them deeply for it. This week, they’re coming to her for her opinions and she loves them all.
What happened to these people?
A transformation happened. A transformation facilitated by an increase in their abilities.
It all happened with only TWO steps. Here’s how to take them:
Step 1 (the only step that starts you down this road): Your decision that existing reality is not as good as you demand it to be in order for you to be happy.
Step 2: Learning. The only way of gaining the ability to transform existing reality into that dream within you that will make you happy.
It’s easy to move furniture around to change a scene. But we live in a world of people. And transforming our lives ultimately means transforming these relationships. People aren’t furniture. They don’t like being moved around. They talk back. And they refuse to move.
That’s why the most important ability is communication. The ability to be fully understood and to respond to what comes back to you in a way that creates a shift in reality.
Create enough shifts, and you’ve changed your life.
How long does it take? One conversation, if you’re good at it.
I’ve seen too many people learn to live with dissatisfaction and explain it away as a necessary part of life. I don’t know how many times people have said to me, “You can’t always be happy.”
Yes you can.
The one psychologist I ever went to see in my life during my first (and last) visit said, “The problem with you, Ingrid, is that you expect to be happy ALL the time.”
I thought to myself, “Absolutely! Isn’t that what this is all about?”
And I decided if he thought that was a problem, I could help him a whole lot more than he could help me. He wasn’t asking me for help, so I chit-chatted with him a bit and left with a warm and friendly (but final) goodbye.
I am pretty much happy all the time. Do you know why? Because I spent my life learning how to communicate and I can do it. Because gaining this key ability makes you causative. Because being happy is what being causative does.
I very much want others (you) to be happy all the time too. All the time. And what makes me happiest is teaching and seeing people (you) increase their communication abilities, feel better about themselves and about the world.
Nothing helped me become causative more than the skills I now teach to others. These abilities enable me to navigate the trickiest, the most complex and challenging conversations (and people) to create outstanding relationships and outcomes worth celebration. Every day.
Just like the students I wrote about at the start of this article. They’re happy. And they’ll be happy tomorrow.
Keep increasing your abilities. There is no ceiling to stop their growth. The more you have, the happier you will be. Take those two steps. Decide. Learn. Be nice to the people who tell you that you can’t be happy all the time, do the work and go ahead and be really happy anyway.
If you want someone to get you to that goal fast, then acquire the abilities I help you develop in Building a Foundation for Causative Communications and let’s get going.
Be the cause!
Ingrid
The Executive VP of a large Silicon Valley organization has asked me to coach his VPs on their virtual presentation skills.
Their global “All Hands” presentations are now critical.
The current situation has gone on too long with no end in sight. Employees are getting restless, morale is starting to sag.
The words of inspiration that worked in the beginning are falling flat. There’s nothing to look forward to. Their weeks have turned into drudgery, tinged with suppressed despair.
The VPs can’t keep promising the same old things. No one believes it. No matter how you paint it, tomorrow doesn’t look any different than today.
Everyone’s working longer hours, relentlessly tied to their computer screens, coping with the home scene, surrounded by mountains of work. The future just looks like more of the same.
No breakthrough in sight.
With that as a background, yesterday I coached Martin, a VP who, in addition to everything happening above, is one of the world’s most monotonous presenters.
His “All Hands” presentations are 45 minutes of unendingly dry monotone followed by 15 minutes of uninspired Q&A…all delivered virtually to a global audience.
Martin hates being virtual. His exact words were, “I hate talking to a camera.”
And that’s how he comes across. Like he is talking to a piece of furniture.
Even as I was listening to the first video Martin sent me so I could make an assessment of his skills, by the time I got to the end, I couldn’t remember what he’d said.
Martin was so tuned out to his presentation, there was no way I could tune in.
That was two months ago. Since then, I’ve been coaching him two hours a week.
Martin’s had many coaches before me. They all told him to be more dynamic. They all told him he needs to smile. He kept trying to tell them, “That’s not me.” They wouldn’t listen, they kept pushing him. Martin decided he really didn’t like coaches. He was prepared to dislike me.
My first order of business was to tiptoe around the mine field called, “It’s not me.” I agree with Martin that being yourself is sacred. No matter what, it’s VERY important always that you are YOU.
I wanted Martin to become even MORE himself because, for all of us, that’s where our real power lies.
I’m very good at drawing a map “from here to there”. I can accurately assess where a person is and help them navigate the route to the charisma buried inside them. I help them cross that bridge to find their gold.
Once I have that map (and for each person it’s different), I’m extremely systematic in my coaching. I don’t make the mistake that many coaches make: coaching too many things at one time.
I start with fundamentals and build a very solid foundation. I work on one thing at a time until the person really gets it and owns it. And only then do we work on the next thing. In the beginning it looks like we’re going slow, but this is truly the way to make rapid progress.
It’s how I snuck up on Martin. In the beginning we spent several sessions working only on developing his eye contact and creating a powerful connection with a virtual audience.
He did it a little at a time. I had him do a little bit more, then a little bit more, until it was full blast.
Now, when he looks into the camera, you feel a STRONG executive presence. You also feel like he is sitting right in front of you in person. Martin captivates you. His eyes are alive.
When you think you’re talking to a camera, your eyes are dead. Your eyes only come to life when you’re talking to a person. It’s a skill to talk to a camera and bring your eyes to life.
Yesterday we worked on being compelling. Then on being inspiring. I gave Martin real time coaching as he practiced, helping him tease out that vital carrier wave called intention. People mistake passion for intention, and try to be passionate. Passion is hollow and ineffective compared to intention.
Intention is what you want. Passion is what YOU’RE feeling. Intention determines how you’ll make THEM feel.
The message Martin has to deliver in his next “All Hands” is a difficult one. He has to tell them that, for the foreseeable future, it’s going to be a lot of work and little immediate reward. That’s what we practiced.The change in Martin in the course of two hours was startling. By the end of our coaching session, he was one of the most amazing speakers I’ve ever seen in my life.
Martin didn’t sugar coat the situation. He explained the mountain of work facing the workforce needed to reach a worthwhile future, but did it in a way that evokes an intensity of genuine purpose that will organically and naturally (no hype) inspire everyone to rise to the challenge, join forces and do it with an intensity of energy.
You see, it’s not about how passionate the speaker is. It’s about how passionate the audience is when the speaker is finished.
Martin will ignite passion.
I have no doubt that his “All Hands” next week will be met with inspired enthusiasm. If Martin were live and in-person, I have no doubt they would rise and give him a standing ovation.
In our current world, where virtual communication is more important than ever, your ability to develop and use these skills like Martin is doing will create your future success.
You literally get to choose how far you go.
High skills will lead to high levels of success.
Mediocre skills will lead to invisibility.
If you want these skills, you can get them. Check out Mastering Virtual Presentation Skills and Building a Foundation for Causative Communications.
Be the cause!
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