The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays. I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.
From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never. It was not always the same person, we would rotate.
We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.
Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do. If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.
That’s how it used to be.
Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.
It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.
At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”
Thanksgiving has inspired this article because Thanksgiving always reminds me how wonderful, even magical, affinity is.
Affinity is a feeling. It’s what you’re feeling about the other person, your emotional response to them. And very specifically, it’s how much you like them in that moment.
Affinity can fluctuate, even within one conversation. You can start out with low affinity and end up with high affinity. Or start high and go low.
“I’m now walking into meetings and making what I want happen. The first thing I noticed was that everyone started listening to me differently. Even my boss. Now people go quiet when I speak and genuinely listen, even my superiors. I hadn’t realized there are different kinds of listening. This is REALLY different. After that, it’s not hard.”
This broke all the rules considering where Agoston was on the corporate ladder. He was young, early in career and had no authority. But he spoke up at meetings, in hallways and conversations. His influence was growing daily. It wasn’t long before he was promoted and began rapidly moving up the organization.
Before he did the Causative Communication workshop, no one listened to him.
What made the difference for Agoston was mastering the skill of…
The question, “What do I need to say to get the outcome I want?” is a good question. Knowing the answer to it is essential to being causative.
The reason people experience difficulties when they’re looking at a situation through this lens is because they don’t realize that they’re skipping steps.
I’ve worked with professionals and executives of large corporations for over 30 years. They are used to feeling tense. It’s become normal. Feeling completely comfortable is not normal. Being relaxed is not.
That’s how being slightly tense, or even very tense, becomes habitual. And they’re surrounded by others who are also slightly or very tense. So they’re swimming in a sea of uninspected “normal”.
Last week, Mark came out of his virtual meetings feeling drained. This week he’s leaving each meeting exhilarated.
For the past several months, a new management team struggled with (in their words) lack of trust and suspicion. This week, they’re filled with great affinity for each other and are finding great pleasure in working together.
Last week, Andy and his wife were getting on each other’s nerves after being confined to their house for so long. This week, they’re enjoying being together and having the best conversations ever, so happy they found each other again.
Last week, Lisa, a millennial, felt disrespected and dismissed by the people she worked with, and resented them deeply for it. This week, they’re coming to her for her opinions and she loves them all.
What happened to these people?
A transformation happened. A transformation facilitated by an increase in their abilities.
It all happened with only TWO steps. Here’s how to take them:
Step 1 (the only step that starts you down this road): Your decision that existing reality is not as good as you demand it to be in order for you to be happy.
Step 2: Learning. The only way of gaining the ability to transform existing reality into that dream within you that will make you happy.
It’s easy to move furniture around to change a scene. But we live in a world of people. And transforming our lives ultimately means transforming these relationships. People aren’t furniture. They don’t like being moved around. They talk back. And they refuse to move.
That’s why the most important ability is communication. The ability to be fully understood and to respond to what comes back to you in a way that creates a shift in reality.
Create enough shifts, and you’ve changed your life.
How long does it take? One conversation, if you’re good at it.
I’ve seen too many people learn to live with dissatisfaction and explain it away as a necessary part of life. I don’t know how many times people have said to me, “You can’t always be happy.”
Yes you can.
The one psychologist I ever went to see in my life during my first (and last) visit said, “The problem with you, Ingrid, is that you expect to be happy ALL the time.”
I thought to myself, “Absolutely! Isn’t that what this is all about?”
And I decided if he thought that was a problem, I could help him a whole lot more than he could help me. He wasn’t asking me for help, so I chit-chatted with him a bit and left with a warm and friendly (but final) goodbye.
I am pretty much happy all the time. Do you know why? Because I spent my life learning how to communicate and I can do it. Because gaining this key ability makes you causative. Because being happy is what being causative does.
I very much want others (you) to be happy all the time too. All the time. And what makes me happiest is teaching and seeing people (you) increase their communication abilities, feel better about themselves and about the world.
Nothing helped me become causative more than the skills I now teach to others. These abilities enable me to navigate the trickiest, the most complex and challenging conversations (and people) to create outstanding relationships and outcomes worth celebration. Every day.
Just like the students I wrote about at the start of this article. They’re happy. And they’ll be happy tomorrow.
Keep increasing your abilities. There is no ceiling to stop their growth. The more you have, the happier you will be. Take those two steps. Decide. Learn. Be nice to the people who tell you that you can’t be happy all the time, do the work and go ahead and be really happy anyway.
If you want someone to get you to that goal fast, then acquire the abilities I help you develop in Building a Foundation for Causative Communications and let’s get going.
Be the cause!
Ingrid
The Executive VP of a large Silicon Valley organization has asked me to coach his VPs on their virtual presentation skills.
Their global “All Hands” presentations are now critical.
The current situation has gone on too long with no end in sight. Employees are getting restless, morale is starting to sag.
The words of inspiration that worked in the beginning are falling flat. There’s nothing to look forward to. Their weeks have turned into drudgery, tinged with suppressed despair.
The VPs can’t keep promising the same old things. No one believes it. No matter how you paint it, tomorrow doesn’t look any different than today.
Everyone’s working longer hours, relentlessly tied to their computer screens, coping with the home scene, surrounded by mountains of work. The future just looks like more of the same.
No breakthrough in sight.
With that as a background, yesterday I coached Martin, a VP who, in addition to everything happening above, is one of the world’s most monotonous presenters.
His “All Hands” presentations are 45 minutes of unendingly dry monotone followed by 15 minutes of uninspired Q&A…all delivered virtually to a global audience.
Martin hates being virtual. His exact words were, “I hate talking to a camera.”
And that’s how he comes across. Like he is talking to a piece of furniture.
Even as I was listening to the first video Martin sent me so I could make an assessment of his skills, by the time I got to the end, I couldn’t remember what he’d said.
Martin was so tuned out to his presentation, there was no way I could tune in.
That was two months ago. Since then, I’ve been coaching him two hours a week.
Martin’s had many coaches before me. They all told him to be more dynamic. They all told him he needs to smile. He kept trying to tell them, “That’s not me.” They wouldn’t listen, they kept pushing him. Martin decided he really didn’t like coaches. He was prepared to dislike me.
My first order of business was to tiptoe around the mine field called, “It’s not me.” I agree with Martin that being yourself is sacred. No matter what, it’s VERY important always that you are YOU.
I wanted Martin to become even MORE himself because, for all of us, that’s where our real power lies.
I’m very good at drawing a map “from here to there”. I can accurately assess where a person is and help them navigate the route to the charisma buried inside them. I help them cross that bridge to find their gold.
Once I have that map (and for each person it’s different), I’m extremely systematic in my coaching. I don’t make the mistake that many coaches make: coaching too many things at one time.
I start with fundamentals and build a very solid foundation. I work on one thing at a time until the person really gets it and owns it. And only then do we work on the next thing. In the beginning it looks like we’re going slow, but this is truly the way to make rapid progress.
It’s how I snuck up on Martin. In the beginning we spent several sessions working only on developing his eye contact and creating a powerful connection with a virtual audience.
He did it a little at a time. I had him do a little bit more, then a little bit more, until it was full blast.
Now, when he looks into the camera, you feel a STRONG executive presence. You also feel like he is sitting right in front of you in person. Martin captivates you. His eyes are alive.
When you think you’re talking to a camera, your eyes are dead. Your eyes only come to life when you’re talking to a person. It’s a skill to talk to a camera and bring your eyes to life.
Yesterday we worked on being compelling. Then on being inspiring. I gave Martin real time coaching as he practiced, helping him tease out that vital carrier wave called intention. People mistake passion for intention, and try to be passionate. Passion is hollow and ineffective compared to intention.
Intention is what you want. Passion is what YOU’RE feeling. Intention determines how you’ll make THEM feel.
The message Martin has to deliver in his next “All Hands” is a difficult one. He has to tell them that, for the foreseeable future, it’s going to be a lot of work and little immediate reward. That’s what we practiced.The change in Martin in the course of two hours was startling. By the end of our coaching session, he was one of the most amazing speakers I’ve ever seen in my life.
Martin didn’t sugar coat the situation. He explained the mountain of work facing the workforce needed to reach a worthwhile future, but did it in a way that evokes an intensity of genuine purpose that will organically and naturally (no hype) inspire everyone to rise to the challenge, join forces and do it with an intensity of energy.
You see, it’s not about how passionate the speaker is. It’s about how passionate the audience is when the speaker is finished.
Martin will ignite passion.
I have no doubt that his “All Hands” next week will be met with inspired enthusiasm. If Martin were live and in-person, I have no doubt they would rise and give him a standing ovation.
In our current world, where virtual communication is more important than ever, your ability to develop and use these skills like Martin is doing will create your future success.
You literally get to choose how far you go.
High skills will lead to high levels of success.
Mediocre skills will lead to invisibility.
If you want these skills, you can get them. Check out Mastering Virtual Presentation Skills and Building a Foundation for Causative Communications.
Be the cause!
I’m always so happy to see my students winning. I’m delighted that my inbox is always full of their successes and wins. And I’m always thrilled when I hear that their ability to communicate deeply touches and moves others.
Recently I received a request to train 16 highly successful mid-level engineering professionals as part of their challenging leadership development program.
I laughed with joy when I heard the reason for the request.
Last year, the same corporation asked me to train 40 very bright college students who intern at this huge Silicon Valley company in the summertime. Many of them get hired full-time after they graduate.
The interns work in teams on ambitious projects designed to produce financial ROI. At the end of the summer, each team presents their project results to a panel of senior executives. It is fiercely competitive, with senior execs selecting the top 3 teams, and special prizes going to each.
I was hired to give these 40 interns presentation skills training the day before their big presentation so they would come across exceedingly well to the executives.
You can imagine being in college and having to present to the senior executives of a major Silicon Valley corporation. They were nervous! So this training was a very good idea and very generous on the corporation’s part.
These young college students did extremely well in the training and the feedback they received from the execs after their presentations was fabulous.
The panel of executives, however, were faced with a dilemma. They couldn’t decide which team to choose as #1 because they all presented their results so well. They were heard asking each other, “What is WITH these interns?! They’re better at presenting than many of the executives around here!”
What really blew the execs away, was that there weren’t just one or two good presenters in the group of 40. They were ALL strong.
These summer college interns blew the senior execs away so thoroughly, the organization asked me to train their high potential leaders so they too would develop the same skills. This time their presentations were virtual, even more challenging.
This training also went well, with one of them emailing me the next day:
“It felt so great to know I was connecting and engaging the panel of execs, even though I couldn’t see them. I could FEEL it! At the end of my presentation, the top exec said, ‘Wow! I have no words! That was AMAZING!’.”
I am so proud of them, as I am all my students.
I’m especially proud of the college students. They are walking tall. And so thrilled that they gained these impressive and powerful abilities early in their career.
The ability to communicate is THE most important ability to have, because with this ability comes the ability to open every door in your life. That’s my goal and my purpose. For you to experience that freedom.
Don’t let being virtual stop you from being powerful. If you want these skills, you can get them. Check out Mastering Virtual Presentation Skills and Building a Foundation for Causative Communications.
Be the cause!
The essence of humanity is our individuality. Because of this, we each have unique viewpoints. Often we have emotions attached to them.
“Viewpoint” literally means, “the point from which you view”. If you’re at the bottom of the mountain looking up, the top looks very different than it does after you’ve climbed it. You’ve changed your viewpoint. You now see it from a different viewpoint. You now possess two viewpoints of the mountain top.
You can say what is true for you at the bottom. The truth will be different when you’re at the top.
The challenge becomes when we try to communicate our different viewpoints. Often it goes smoothly. But not always.
When it doesn’t, it’s generally because disagreement is overwhelming the conversation, and has overpowered understanding.
When there’s no understanding, there’s no real acknowledgment of what is said. And that’s when communication goes south.
Understanding and agreement are very different. “Understanding” means, “I can see it from your viewpoint, I see what you’re seeing from your point of view, I perceive it clearly.”
“Agreement” means, “I think the same way as you do, I consent, let’s do that, I have the same opinion, I even think you’re right.”
To simply see something from another’s point of view is often the greatest challenge people have.
They’re so busy disagreeing, they stop seeing.
The problem people have is this: when they don’t agree, they withhold their understanding. They say things like, “I don’t understand how you could feel that way.” Or they mistake this for understanding: “I totally understand you. You’re selfish, stupid, stubborn and you’re wrong.”
The moment you withhold your understanding, even a little, you suppress the one thing that makes communication, and relationships, work.
Understanding is a skill. A high level skill. A powerful ability.
The more you perfect it, the more magical your life becomes.
I received this email from a student who completed Causative Communication online training a week ago:
“I'm amazed at how quickly it allows a conversation to move on by acknowledging, and how finding the words is easy when you have affinity. It's exactly what we learned, but it has not stopped happening outside of class or at work. I've also shared the approach I learned with my kids, and I've seen them be successful with it as well.
“My son struggles with anxiety, and in particular he worries about making people angry by not agreeing with them. I told him about affinity, acknowledging, and the difference between understanding and agreeing, and with a little practice at home, it has completely changed his perspective on interacting with people, and eliminated that fear!”
I love that there is a young boy who is learning how to be causative, how to freely communicate and exchange viewpoints with anyone, while still a child. This is going to serve him well throughout his entire life.
It gives me great joy that his fear, his anxiety, has vanished.
This opens up the whole world to him, and endless possibilities.
With affinity, understanding and acknowledgments, you possess the tools to create magic in any conversation, to bring about affinity, understanding and acknowledgment in others.
When you have this certainty, you can achieve harmonious collaboration with anyone, and the ability to create the future you dream of.
Every service we offer, whether it’s online/offline, in a group or even one-on-one, will move you forward towards that goal.
Be the cause!
Learning does something nothing else can. It engages and exercises your mind, fills you with well-being and makes you feel powerful.
Today I’ll tell you about Virginia and the transformation that learning created in her life…
Virginia is a really good person, but she never stood out. She interviewed for a number of exciting new roles within her company … and kept not getting them.
She works for a company that offers our classes to their employees, which is how I met her. Virginia showed up for Causative Communication eager and motivated to find out how to create a winning streak.
The following week she was in Mastering Virtual Presentations and, as I started the class, she interrupted, bubbling over with enthusiasm, and said, “There’s something I need to tell you:
“Right after the last class I had to do an extremely difficult series of interviews for a competitive position. I was interviewed by a panel of executives, followed by a series of one-on-ones with key stakeholders. The next day their HR partner called me and said, ‘I normally never tell anyone this so quickly, but we’ve all talked and you are for sure the person we want in this role. Everyone who interviewed you said that, compared with everyone else they interviewed, you really stood out. You created such a bond and trust with each one of us, we all felt you’re part of our team already! One of the execs even said that a wonderful positive energy comes from your eyes. We can’t wait to have you start!”
She was the same person, but the result was completely different. Keep in mind: she created “a bond and trust” with people and execs she didn’t know and these interviews were all virtual!
REAL communication dissolves all barriers. It creates true understanding, trust and a closeness you wouldn’t think could be possible when you’re virtual.
Virginia had a clear and beautiful vision of success. And a firm decision to make it.
Learning enabled her to cross that bridge. And now she’s flying high with wings that will keep her airborne.
Learning enables you to cross any bridge into the land of your dreams. That’s why a great teacher is such a gift in your life and to the world.
Never let your current level of ability limit your dreams. There’s no ability you can’t develop. All the abilities you could ever want are inside of you, like many seeds waiting for sun and water.
Your dreams are there for a reason. They are waiting for you to live them.
And learning can make it all possible.
What are you going to learn next?
Be the cause!
Kind in the dictionary is defined as, “sympathetic, friendly, gentle, tenderhearted, and generous” as in, “He was a strong leader, yet kind.” Kind people are easy to love.
The word also means, “type of” as in, “What kind of pizza is that?” or “Humankind” (the type of living being that is human).
What’s interesting is the derivation, the history, of the word kind. It has the same derivation as the word kin, which means “family.” And it has the same derivation as kindred, which in addition to meaning “family,” also means, “sharing the same beliefs” as in, “We’re kindred spirits.”
Humankind originally came from two words put together. The first meant “one who has intelligence” plus cynn which meant “family”. Humankind defined as a family, brothers and sisters, who have intelligence.
The word kind is deeply rooted in the idea of family, with the additional meaning of people like us, meaning, our kind.
And it’s to these people (our kind of people) we are most sympathetic, tenderhearted and generous. In other words, our kindness flows more easily or naturally toward people who are similar to us, people who share our history, our views, people who feel like “our family”.
The more we see similarity between ourselves and others, and especially our similarity with all humankind, the more kindness we have in the world.
I’ve been studying ancient Greece, Rome and Egypt. When I compare how much kindness was shown “outsiders” in their time (not much) to what I see today, despite an unrelentingly pessimistic media, I see that we never halt our pursuit of understanding, compassion, kindness and kinship with others. We never stop talking. We never stop trying to be understood.
Yes, we have a long way to go. And seeing our similarities amidst any differences surely helps. Our only tool is communication, as that is all that leads to understanding. Causative communication.
I have faith we’ll arrive.
Be the cause!
Do you have a favorite photo of you?
If you’re like most people, you have many photos of you that you’re not crazy about, and a small handful you like. That photo you do like captures for forever something wonderful about you. It’s the one photo of you that makes even you smile.
A really good photographer knows how to bring that out in you. That’s what I do in teaching people virtual presentation skills. Bring it out. In this article I want to help you see WHY you like that photo of you and not others.
This will help you create more photos you like, but the reason I’m focusing on this is that the same principle applies to creating powerful communication virtually, especially when you’re giving virtual presentations.
I’m going to use Marc as an example. Marc is a senior executive I coached this week, helping him prepare for a presentation he’ll be making with thousands watching. The two reasons people are listening to Marc are interest in his content and his position in the organization.
As a technical leader, Marc is extremely knowledgeable and has great technical content. Marc also has a great strategy, and he’s innovative. None of these come across.
It comes across dry. Fine for the first 3 minutes, then disappointingly uninspiring. He can’t wait for it to be over, and neither can you.
How do you bring out the charisma of someone like this?
Let me bridge back to you and talk about how do you bring it out of yourself?
Well first let me tell you how NOT to do it.
You know when someone’s taking your picture and they tell you to smile? What are you feeling at that moment? Pretty awful, right? Like you’re forcing yourself to smile when you’re not feeling it. You’re FORCING that smile. You hold it until the camera clicks. And then you drop it.
When you do that, your smile looks fake. It doesn’t match the look in your eyes.
The look in your eyes is THE most powerful, THE most important, aspect of your body language there is.
People ask me all the time if body language is important. My answer is an unqualified YES! But we have to look at WHERE it comes from.
If you work on the superficial, your body language will be terrible because it’s fake, like you see in the bad photo which captures your fake body language and freezes it in time for you.
Let me repeat this. The look in your eyes is THE most powerful, THE most important, aspect of your body.
Whether you are in person and even MORE so when you’re virtual!
When your smile doesn’t MATCH your eyes, whether in a photo, an in-person conversation or a presentation, you DON’T look good. I don’t even need to see you to tell you I’m 100% certain of that.
The other thing that happens when someone tells you to smile for the camera, is that you get self-conscious.
Self-conscious literally means too conscious or aware of yourself. It means you’re putting your attention on yourself.
Having attention on yourself VIOLATES every principle of powerful and effective communication.
Imagine watching your arm while you play tennis. How well will you play?
If you look back at that photo of yourself that you really like, what was your attention on?
What were you thinking?
Most importantly, what were you feeling?
I have no doubt you had no attention on yourself and you were filled with a powerful feeling. Right?
And it showed in your EYES.
An empty smile will NEVER create the effect we’re looking for.
It’s not in your mouth. It’s in your eyes.
You want your eyes to speak.
Film stars in silent movies knew this very well. They didn’t have sound to carry them. They spoke with their eyes.
How you do that is by what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.
Let me make a point here. Your eyes speak whether you want them to or not. If you’re feeling any anxiety, if you’re even a little bit self-conscious, believe me your eyes are speaking that out to the world.
I have a photo of me I really like. I’m in India with 225 students. They’re each doing individual exercises. I’m wearing a beautiful Indian salwar (gorgeous silk tunic over fabulously elegant pants). I’m holding a clipboard loosely in my right arm and my left hand is on my hip. I’m closely observing a young student as he works on his assignment. I’m utterly absorbed in him and the look of pure love on my face floods the photo. This photo captures timeless beauty.
Genuine and great affinity for the person or persons you’re talking to is what puts that beautiful look in your eyes and makes you look good, makes you beautiful or handsome. And, very importantly, makes others respond.
I coach many senior executives. Only a small percent of them have sufficient affinity to be called charismatic.
I’m like the photographer who can draw the charisma out. I draw their affinity out.
I do this by coaching them on what’s in their core. Not superficial facial expressions or hand gestures, but their core, which is the true fountain, the true source, of charisma.
Going back to Marc, he looks like two different people in his “before” and “after” videos.
In his “before” video, Marc’s eyes are dead. They’re not cold, just lifeless. He smiles occasionally, but his eyes have no life.
In his “after” video, Marc’s eyes are filled with great warmth, they’re smiling, twinkling even. The look in his eyes fills you with great warmth for him.
This can ONLY happen with genuine feelings of affinity. You will never be successful faking it or forcing it. It has to be REALLY happening inside you.
It comes from inside you, moves to your eyes and then to your smile.
Marrying Marc’s incredible content with charisma created a leader whose communication is inspiring. I guarantee if you see him talk, you’ll find yourself smiling without even realizing you’re doing it, a smile that starts before you even have time to think about it. It starts the moment he starts speaking.
Which brings me to another point.
Many people have momentary bursts of affinity in their presentations. A small burst at the beginning, one or max two brief bursts in the middle and occasionally a tiny burst when they’re leaving. They’re all momentary and over in a flash.
Very few maintain powerful affinity throughout their entire talk. You can see it in their eyes. No life in the eyes throughout most of their presentation.
The key is to start STRONG and CONTINUE that affinity throughout your entire presentation. Of course that feeling will still have very natural peaks and valleys, but in a much HIGHER range of feeling that brings out the BEST in you.
My inbox is full of emails from students I coached last week, telling me that already this week they’re getting incredible results and the feedback they’re receiving is that they’re now “Amazing!”
Nothing makes me happier than helping someone who wants to reach others with their ideas achieve their goal. Nothing makes me happier than filling the world with great communicators. Nothing makes me happier than helping people be amazing. If we do this enough, we’ll have an amazing world.
Be the cause!
Many, many people have been signing up for our online training. It’s very uplifting and, as one of my clients said, “It makes you feel good about the world and it makes you feel good about yourself.”
That’s one of my purposes, so it makes me very happy to hear that. It’s a good time for learning.
I’m coaching a lot of people on their virtual presentation skills these days. I have about 50 students this week alone, a combination of workshops and one-on-one coaching for execs.
Here’s one question that comes up a lot:
“I know I’m supposed to look into the camera, but I want to see their faces to see their reactions to what I’m saying. How do I look into the camera and see their reactions at the same time?”
My answer surprises them.
There’s a huge difference between:
A. Causing the reaction you want and KNOWING you caused it without having to look
B. Doing something and then stepping back to look and see what reaction they’re having.
When someone says they need to “see their faces” to know their reaction, it immediately tells me they don’t have enough ability or skill to simply cause their intended reaction and know they caused it. Without looking.
You have to be pretty good to do that.
This level of ability gives you a super high degree of certainty. It’s a, “I don’t have to look, I KNOW I did it.”
For example, when you can say, “I don’t need anyone to tell me no one was multitasking during my presentation. I KNOW they weren’t.” And you’re right.
Or, “I don’t need to see if they get it. I KNOW I delivered it so well that they absolutely got it.”
Or, “They don’t need to tell me. I KNOW they like me. I KNOW they agree with me.”
Or, “I don’t need to see if they’re inspired or are going to act. They are and they will.”
And they do.
In other words, you knowingly caused it and you’re sure you did.
This kind of certainty comes from being able to hit it out of the park, an expression describing an American baseball batter hitting a home run that makes the ball travel so high and so far, it flies way out of the stadium beyond anyone’s reach.
What I’m talking about is being able to tell by the perfect FEEL of your swing, by the impact when you connect with the ball, and the special sound of the crack of the bat … everything about that motion feels so right, you start running around the bases because you KNOW you have a home run.
It takes an incredible amount of intention to achieve that.
Intention is positive and deliberate purpose. Deliberate means you’ve decided. Positive means totally certain. Certain means no doubt. Intention means no doubt about the outcome.
When you have that level of intention, magic happens. Whether it’s baseball or communication.
Society encourages self-doubt, but surrenders to intention.
I think I’ve mentioned to you that my inbox is full of successes and wins from students. What a joy to read them!
This week one of our recent students from Mastering Virtual Presentations wrote that she’d been invited to present to 200+ people at a Virtual event earlier in the day. She wrote she created, “25 minutes of focused presentation, total connection with the audience, eye contact, Affinity, FUN and intention! It all came to life!”
She had 200 people watching her that she couldn’t see. Did she have any visible sign that she was connecting with them?
No, she just KNEW, just like the guy who hit the home-run knows.
It’s funny. When you have that level of ability, you can actually FEEL the energy of the audience coming back to you, even when you can’t see them. Don’t ask me how, you just do. It’s powerful.
What happened after her talk? Over 50 people spontaneously reached out and emailed her kudos. 50 out of 200. Spontaneously.
When does that ever happen? Home-run.
By the way, she’s not a senior executive. She’s not someone people have to play up to. She’s an individual contributor. With noticeably amazing communication skills.
You cause the reaction of the people in your audience. Or you are the effect of their reaction.
It’s all up to you.
That’s why it’s so important for you to have a clear decision about what reaction you want to cause and the ability to do it. Then you can go ahead and cause it.
And KNOW you did it, whether or not you see their faces.
Work on your abilities. Work on your intention. Work on your certainty. They will lead you down the path to magic.
If you want to fast track your journey down that path, I invite you to get involved in one of the events below…
Be the cause!
I just received an email from a recent student who wrote:
“I did your Causative Communication online training to learn how to handle difficult conversations. The weirdest thing happened. I’ve stopped having difficult conversations!!! I haven’t had ANY since the training!”
Then she wrote two words that I’m very used to seeing in my inbox:
“It’s magic.”
Magic is when you produce a spectacular, even impossible, effect with very little effort, done so swiftly it’s invisible how you did it.
In difficult conversations, most people are used to expending a TREMENDOUS amount of effort and getting a mediocre or frustrating result. So, what she’s describing IS magic.
The other word you see in her email above is one I’ve also gotten used to seeing and hearing from our students and clients:
Weird.
I hear this word a lot. At one point I joked I was going to call it Weird Communication, but I knew that unless someone’s done the training, they wouldn’t understand.
Let me explain why it’s weird.
I have another client who recently put all of our online training into their corporate catalog to make it available to 100,000 employees. She sat in to observe our first three training sessions to make sure they were going well. A lot was at risk for her if they weren’t.
After the first session she said,
“That was weird. They were all paying attention. That’s really weird for 6 hours of virtual training that they would pay attention the whole time. What was even weirder was I was planning to multitask as I was listening and I couldn’t multitask. I’m the world’s busiest multitasker and I just couldn’t do it. I found myself riveted and being attentive the whole time. That was really weird.”
After the second session she said,
“That was so weird. I can’t believe how much people change in such a short period of time. It’s like they blossom before your eyes. They become compelling. You start to really LIKE them WAY more. That’s weird to watch how they are at the beginning and how they are at the end, so different.”
After the third session she said,
“I know I keep saying the word “weird”, but it really IS weird. I’m watching these people transform in these workshops and you do it so quickly and so consistently, that’s so weird.”
Then I overheard her telling her boss, “These training programs are so good, they’re weird.”
She’s not the only one who’s used this word. I hear it often. Almost as often as I hear the word magic.
When some says something is weird, they mean it’s really unexpected. They mean it’s hard to believe.
I understand. I know the world we live in. I know it well.
It’s a world where GREAT communication is weird. A world where creating a spectacular effect with very little effort is weird. Where a “normal person” being able to create consistent magic is weird. Where having a great teacher and learning how to do it in such a short time is really weird.
It’s weird to suddenly have everything going exactly the way that you’d like.
It’s weird to suddenly have a great relationship with someone that you haven’t been getting along with.
It’s weird to suddenly be able to influence an entire organization.
It’s weird to tell your child to go to bed once and have them do it cheerfully and willingly.
It’s weird to present an idea and have it immediately accepted.
It’s weird to be alone in a room talking to a virtual audience that’s far away and be able to feel their energy coming back to you and know they are swept away and totally with you even though you can’t see them.
Great communication IS magic. Creating magic is weird. Learning how to create magic is weird. They’re all spectacular. They’re all hard to believe.
Want to hear something really weird? I looked up the derivation of the word weird (where it came from) and, get this, the word originally meant the power to control your fate or destiny.
That’s precisely what being CAUSATIVE is all about. That’s precisely the PURPOSE of Causative Communication.
So, I guess in today’s world – that’s weird!
I personally don’t WANT to live in a world where great communication is weird. I want to live in a world where BAD or frustrating communication is weird. Where argument, misunderstanding, conflict, hostility, crushing disappointment, bitterness, not feeling heard, anxiety and fear are weird.
That’s WHY I’ve chosen this path. To help the world around me gain the REAL abilities needed to make magic happen.
I was grinning reading the email above. Nothing makes me happier than to know someone came to me to learn how to handle difficult conversations (of which she had many prior to the training) only to find that, MAGICALLY, after the training she doesn’t have any.
This is what I have to say to her:
“Welcome to this new weird world. It’s so GOOD, it’s weird. You have a magic wand in your hand called new communication ability. I know you’re using it to make the world a better place and we are all grateful for it. Continue on!”
Be the cause!
Leader is not a title. You can’t get promoted into it. And you can’t get demoted out of it.
Nelson Mandela was a great leader even when he was in jail.
I’m coaching many leaders, and many individuals with high potential for leadership. As I watch them change, it’s clear that communication skill marks a leader.
Yes, you have to have good ideas. But lead means cause to follow. And people don’t follow good ideas poorly communicated.
For example, I’m coaching Steve, a new SVP of a major corporation. Steve’s first day on the job was the first day his organization sheltered from home. So he’s met no one in person. It’s all virtual.
Steve’s predecessor had been in the role many years and was well loved. But the organization had gone stale. They were seriously falling behind others in their industry.
Steve was hired to create breakthroughs. Not incremental change. Breakthroughs.
Steve was very successful as a technical leader in another major, but smaller, high tech corporation. He had risen through the ranks and proven himself, both as a technical leader and as someone people could talk to, as trustworthy.
The problem was, it took years to warm up to him. Mainly because his communication skills were those of someone who is, as he calls himself, a technical guy. It’s one of the first things he told me, “I’m a technical guy.”
It was his way of saying, “I haven’t worried about my communication skills.”
Over time you learn that he is a GREAT technical guy who actually SHOULD lead because he has GREAT ideas, but it’s not something you see right away.
About a month after he started, the CEO asked Steve to present his strategy for the organization to the thousands who would be watching him virtually.
The reviews he received after this presentation were lukewarm.
Steve was the new leader of an organization that was uninspired, and even skeptical, about following him. He desperately needed a breakthrough in their trust of, and enthusiasm for, his leadership to innovation.
Let me repeat this: Steve has GREAT ideas. But he did not get them across to the thousands of people watching him.
I watched him change as I coached him.
I never coached him on the words he was using. His words were fine. I coached him on the RELATIONSHIP he built with his audience.
Now, keep in mind, this was all VIRTUAL! So this is an audience Steve has NEVER SEEN. And it’s a LARGE audience.
I coached him on creating a strong CONNECTION with the audience and a powerful RAPPORT with them.
Also on HOW to make eye contact with a virtual audience. Everyone “knows” eye contact is important – but there are 1,000 different KINDS of eye contact. You have to make the ONE kind that really matters.
And I coached him on how to make everyone feel like he was right there WITH them – in the SAME room – and feel like, “He is talking to me.”
Steve just sent me the video of his most recent presentation. He looks like a completely different person. It’s powerful and compelling.
The feedback Steve received on this last presentation was dramatically different from the first one. Emails are flying through the organization by managers who had planned to work on their emails while listening to Steve’s presentation and they found it AMAZING (their words) – they were incapable of multi-tasking – they were riveted to watching and listening to him.
And (this is so politically incorrect), he looks really handsome in this one (don’t worry, he’s very happily married). I just find the people I coach look more handsome and more beautiful when they become GREAT communicators.
In short, Steve is now coming across as a LEADER. It wouldn’t matter where you put him in the organization. People will follow.
Great ideas + great communication skill = you’re effective.
Build the relationship with your audience. Communicate exceptionally well.
For decades, I have been on a mission to take will-be leaders like Steve and help them acquire the skills to fully step into that leadership position.
You’ll see the list of offerings below this message that we use to do that. If you see something that resonates with you, choose it.
Just remember this:
It doesn’t matter what your position is. If you learn to lead, others will follow. And when they do, you’ll KNOW you have just put yourself in a position to create powerful change.
Be the cause!
I woke up this morning to an email from a recent student. She just got promoted and could not be more excited. She’s a Millennial. It’s her first promotion. She’s flying high. Another student was promoted to SVP of a major Silicon Valley multinational corporation. Someone took a screen shot of the joy in her face when she was told the news during a virtual staff meeting and this beautiful photo has been shared a thousand times.
My inbox is full of good news. Some days I can’t even keep up with it.
I’ve been wanting to create online training for years. My staff will tell you it’s been on my “goals for the year” for a loooong time. I never had the time. We were always so swamped with in-person clients, there wasn’t a moment to sit down and design training for a whole new medium.
And then “now” happened. When I pulled the staff together and asked them what they thought about the situation, they didn’t even have to think. They said, “Great opportunity to do what we’ve been wanting to do for years.”
And so we are.
In the last several weeks we’ve built an online business overnight. Everyone working overtime. It’s going better than even we expected.
We’ve been overwhelmed by the client demand for this training. It turns out we have people all over the country and the world who have been wanting to do our services, but weren’t able to travel or have us come there.
We’ve trained hundreds of people in the last several weeks, WAY more than we were ever able to do in person, and the wins are pouring into my inbox more than ever. I was delighted to discover that the amazing wins our clients have always had working with us in person also happen when they work with us virtually. I can’t tell you how relieved I am! I was worried the client wins would be less. Not so! Whew!
We were able to offer free webinars for several weeks. But we’re now being asked to do so many sessions for individual corporations, we simply don’t have time to continue them at the moment.
There’s one exception. A number of organizations asked me to put something together specifically for engineers. We have so many of them around us. So you’ll see a free webinar just for them below (or for you if you are one!).
I’ve learned so much in the last several weeks. Some I already knew, but it really came home to me seeing so many people win in such a short period of time:
When you have the ability to engage any audience or any individual and create a powerful impact when you’re virtual, there’s no one in the world you can’t reach.
Despite what most people think, the word virtual does NOT mean, “Not there.” It means, “MAKE IT REAL.” The word virtual literally means, “Having the power of being real.” Even though it’s not actual, it is AS POWERFUL as if it were real.
That means your virtual presence should be as strong, powerful and real as if you were in the same room. It means your communication should be as strong, powerful and real as if you were right in front of their face. It means your impact needs to be REAL. That’s what the word “virtual” means.
When you can do that, no one tunes you out. No one multi-tasks. They listen. They get it. They respect you. They’re inspired. They buy-in. And, if you’re really good, they admire you.
That takes some serious skills. They’re easy to learn.
When it comes to communicating effectively, even very capable people are operating at less than 10% of their potential. Bring out the other 90% of yourself. It’s there waiting for you. There’s nothing more thrilling. You’ll fly high.
Don’t listen to feedback that’s not helpful. The only feedback you should listen to is feedback that gets you excited and makes you feel your true power is being released.
Find a good source to work with. If you didn’t invent Jedi, you’ll need a Jedi Master to help you become Jedi. You won’t figure Jedi out on your own. Work with a Jedi Master and you’ll achieve extraordinary results so fast it’s exhilarating.
We’ve had many organizations have their folks do live group online training together. It’s crazy awesome fun. I’ve never seen groups have such a good time! Learn new skills together and support each other and keep the skills alive when the training is over.
Possibly the most important thing I learned is that ALWAYS is a good time to develop your skills. It’s always a good time. You are alive and have goals that matter to you today. Don’t back-burner your happiness.
You are important to the world. We need you. We need to hear your voice. We need you to win at the game of life. Whatever way you do it, gain the communication skills you need so life is not directing you, but you are causing it to go the way you know it should. We will all be happier because of it.
Be the cause!
1. FREE Webinar: Virtual Communication Skills for Engineers
April 28, 2020
11:00 – 12:30 PST
Click here for information and to register.
2. Live Group Webinars for Teams or Employees to Keep Morale High
Click here for information and to schedule.
3. One-on-one Virtual Coaching to Build Life-Changing Skills
Click here for information and to schedule.
One of my clients, Sharma, is a lower level manager in a huge organization with over 50,000 employees. She has only 17 people reporting to her and many levels between her and the top. She wanted to introduce a completely new company-wide initiative that would impact over 20,000 employees.
This would have seemed impossible to most people. The sheer number of people she needed to get on board, and the fact that she needed the SVP many levels above her to sign off on it would have stopped the average person from even trying. The challenge of just getting everyone’s attention in this crazy busy high-tech organization would have discouraged the average person.
Everything surrounding her said, “No way.”
Being causative means making what you want happen. It means being able to cause the outcome you want at will.
When you are causative, it doesn’t matter what the environment around you is doing, you are the source and the cause of what happens. You are able to cause what you want.
The environment could be your boss, co-workers, your family, or the pandemic. It’s anything outside of yourself. When you are causative, you can stay causative no matter what is happening.
Instead of relying on the environment, you’re able to rely on yourself to make what you want come true.
The catch is that it takes skills to be able to accomplish this. Not just knowledge… SKILLS.
The difference between knowledge and skills is that knowledge is in your head, skills are what you are able to DO. This varies greatly from person to person.
You could have knowledge in your head and know what you’re supposed to do. For example, you know you’re supposed to speak up, or you know you’re supposed to give a great presentation, or have confidence, or you know you’re supposed to get them to buy-in, give you budget or a promotion, to cooperate or do what you’re asking.
Skills are when you can actually do it.
Highly skilled is when you do it extremely well, even in adverse conditions (like if the other person isn’t listening, they strongly disagree, they’re not interested or they’re way higher than you in the organization).
Mastery is when you can do it even when most people can’t, and you can do it in a big way others really notice and admire.
You can never look to other people to see how much ability you should demonstrate. To determine where you want to be on this spectrum, you have to look inside yourself to find the truth of the level of Jedi, Samurai, skill you want to possess.
What happens to many people, unfortunately, (but hopefully not to you), is that they shrink the outcomes they want, and the outcomes they go for, to fit the skill level they have. They don’t possess the skills to make something really awesome happen, so they stop dreaming big.
They start to have goals that sound like, “I just want to survive this year”. Sometimes it’s, “I just want to survive this month.” It becomes, “I just want to deal with what’s right in front of me right now.”
As your dreams get smaller and smaller, so do you. And no one I know really likes being small.
It may seem “safe”, but it isn’t. The smaller you are, the more the world can eat you up. And it will.
The reason I teach communication skills is because I believe (and I see every day with my clients) that, while you can do many things extremely well, these are the skills that matter the most in life. These are the skills that shape your life. These are the skills that define who you are, what you do, what you have.
These are the skills that shape your self-confidence, your self-esteem, your self-respect, your self-pride.
These are the skills the shape your relationship with the world around you.
These are the skills that define your life.
This is what I’ve learned over and over in working with tens of thousands of clients:
You CHOOSE the level you want to be at.
And then you take action to make it so.
That’s the responsibility each of us has. To choose. To develop the skill to act. When we have the skill, nothing stops us from acting. It’s only lack of skill that stops us.
The fact is, there is no limit to how good you can get with your communication. And the better you get, the more causative you are and the more you can make what you want happen, and that enables you to dream bigger and bigger dreams and make them happen.
Sharma just emailed that she is getting unprecedented interest and support for her initiative and that a pilot is currently in progress with everyone enthusiastically predicting it will be rolled out company-wide. She’s doing the happy dance in her home office.
She also said that:
“Without my learning how to communicate causatively, none of this would have happened.”
I believe her. I know how hard it is to get people to listen. Especially now.
And speaking of now, whichever way you do it, now is the perfect time for you to work on your own personal-development and increase your skill level to the level you WANT to be.
Don’t shrink your dreams to match your skills. Increase your skills to match your dreams.
We created the free virtual offerings below to teach you what you need to know to improve your communication.
We created the upcoming Skill Building Summits to transform your knowledge of WHAT to do into real SKILLS. These Summits are normally $997, but to help you build powerful skills during this time, I’m giving you a Promo Code that will reduce the price for you to $297. The Promo Code expires after these Summits. Please use this Promo Code when you register: m6k5sh
Our Skill Building Summits are also available as Live Group Webinars for Teams and Corporations to bring out their true power.
You can have One-on-One Virtual Coaching if you choose to achieve mastery.
Choose the option that matches the level at which you want to operate.
There’s nothing you can’t create, there’s nothing you can’t cause.
It’s an ideal time to become more of your best self.
Be the cause!
1. Virtual Presentations Skill-Building Summit: 6 hours intensive skill building over the course of 2 days
April 8 – 9, 2020
9:30 AM – 12:30 PM PST each day
Click here for information and to register.
2. FREE Webinar: Building a Foundation for Causative Communications
April 14, 2020
11:00 – 12:30 PST
Click here for information and to register.
3. FREE Webinar: Mastering Virtual Presentations
April 7, 2020
11:00 – 12:30 PST
Click here for information and to register.
4. Causative Communications Skill-Building Summit: 6 hours intensive skill building over the course of 2 days
April 15 – 16, 2020
9:30 AM – 12:30 PM PST each day
Link for information and to register
5. Live Group Webinars for Teams or Employees to Keep Morale High
Click here for information and to schedule.
6. One-on-one Virtual Coaching to Build Life-Changing Skills
Click here for information and to schedule.
Ella was surprised by how fast she made it to Senior Director of a gigantic multinational corporation. From there, however, Ella discovered how hard it is to get promoted from Senior Director to VP. So now she was stuck at that level…and had been for far too long. She wanted to make that leap and contacted me for help.
When looking at the outcome you want, don’t let reality poison your dreams. Let your imagination fly limitlessly, independent of what the world tells you is possible.
Causative communication is about being able to make whatever outcome you want happen.
I live on the West Coast. My sister lives on the East in Philadelphia. Every year we take turns visiting for Christmas. This year it’s my turn to go to Philadelphia. I’m keen to see my family there.
I was on the phone with her over the weekend planning the details. In the middle of our conversation she got into an argument with her 19-year-old son, Gabriel. I could hear all of it.
It was a heated, passionate argument, but there was something about it that blew me away.
What blew me away was that I could hear love in both their voices as they argued. And they were soon laughing. And as the argument went on, they were laughing more and more.
It was very easy to see the reason for that. Even though they were arguing, and they were actually pretty mad at each other, they acknowledged each other.
They were completely disagreeing, but they were actually listening to each other and they would say things like, “I understand…” and, “Yeah, I get what you’re saying …” before they said what they thought.
It all happened super-fast. The acknowledgments were quick, just like the responses were. It happened at the speed of most arguments. But I could see that with every acknowledgment, there was a burst of love and laughter from the one being acknowledged.
The argument took less than five minutes to resolve and ended on a high note. It was actually really fun to listen to. I enjoyed it.
I told my sister about the power of acknowledgments years ago. She’s been doing it ever since. And Gabriel has learned to always acknowledge what she says before he responds. Even when they’re really mad.
They have a normal amount of arguments, but they’re over so fast and they’re warm and affectionate and loving.
My sister even says the dreaded word “but” (which you’re never supposed to say after an acknowledgement), like, “I understand but …” And it still works!
It made me realize that you really CAN listen to and acknowledge another person, even in the heat of an argument. Most people think you can’t or that it’s difficult. Not true.
You just have to DECIDE to do it.
It also made me realize that it doesn’t have to be a heavy or serious thing. It can happen fast and be light, and even happen at the speed of light.
For me the most important thing about these holidays and this season is the deep love, that I get to give and receive in abundance. To me that love is sacred.
I love knowing that there’s a way to protect and preserve it, even in a heated, passionate family like mine.
You don’t have to wait for an argument to acknowledge others. Good acknowledgements will make even the best relationship soar. And they belong in every conversation.
May you be filled with all that makes your soul sing during the holidays! Wishing you a joyous time with your good friends and family.
Be the cause!
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