“Victor was a great negotiator before he took Causative Communication. He made big deals happen. But he lacked affinity. Now he is negotiating the impossible. He has INCREDIBLE affinity. He is really listening, acknowledging. These are deals that, when I look at them, I say there’s no way we will get the other side to agree to this. He is negotiating arrangements with customers that have been in place for YEARS that are not beneficial to our organization, and he is successfully renegotiating the terms so that they’re favorable. I mean, this is IMPOSSIBLE!”
I was talking to a high-level vice president of a multinational global corporation. She was talking about a man who reports to her. Her face was beaming.
Two years ago, Victor showed up in a Causative Communication training session. Even though he was already successful, he was open to learning something new if it would help him. Victor was doing all right with the class until we got to the subject of affinity. Affinity is how you feel about the person you’re talking to. How much you like them. How much of that you’re feeling in the moment.
Victor interrupted, “I like what you’ve covered so far, but I want you to know I am never going to use affinity.”
I said, “That’s fine. What are you thinking?”
Victor replied, “I have to get in there and negotiate really, really tough situations. And I win them. But I win them by being tough and mean. I drive the other side into giving up and giving in. I’m tough, mean and ruthless. That’s been highly successful for me. I’ve built my career on it. And I’m not going to change it.”
Then quite combatively Victor asserted: “Affinity does not belong in every single situation. There are some situations that require that you have absolutely no affinity for the person. It’s the only way you’re going to get your outcome.”
I said, “I can understand that. That’s fine.”
Silence. He was waiting for me to try to change his mind and surprised when I didn’t try.
I let him fully absorb that I understood. Victor sat for a moment and then relaxed, nodded his head and sat back.
I asked, “Are there any situations where more affinity might be helpful for you? Possibly at home with your family?”
Victor thought about it. “Well, there’s this guy I have to meet with tomorrow morning before the class. We’ve met about four times and we hate each other. We’re having a horrible time working together. We are getting absolutely nowhere. I have absolutely nothing to lose. I could try it with him.”
I said, “That will be interesting. Great that it’s before the class. You can let us know what happens.”
The following morning Victor showed up for class and said, “I can’t believe what actually happened. I did what you taught me to bring my affinity up for him to a whole new level. My feelings for him really changed. I went into the meeting feeling a lot of affinity for him. The great thing was, that he SAW that in me. And it CHANGED the way he interacted with me. And truly, it revolutionized our relationship. We are now working wonderfully together. It was just that level of connection that we got by my feeling a strong affinity for him.”
Two years later, Victor has been using this principle of affinity for others in all his communications, at home, in social situations, with everyone. And especially in his tough negotiations … where he is creating impossible outcomes. And his VP boss is bragging about him.
Victor is quite expert now. After seeing it work in every situation and every relationship, he tells people, “Affinity brings a whole new level of meaning to your communications. A whole new level of effectiveness. Affinity changes the way you look at them. It changes the way you interact with them. And they’re going to see that. They’re going to see that light of affinity in your eyes and it’s going to change the way they interact with you. And it will cause you to have so much more effective and meaningful communications and way better outcomes. The thing I will tell you is that it works, it absolutely works.”
The Communication Formula puts the ability to create extraordinary outcomes under your control. It gives you a set of skills and a process to follow that allow you to do the “impossible.”
What Victor discovered is accessible to everyone. Even the most difficult situations can be completely transformed when you know how.
Be the cause!