We all had tears in our eyes. Sarah is an exec in the C-suite of a successful organization. This senior leadership team completed the intensive Causative Communication Coaching Summit
and now, a month later in our follow up session, they were talking about the wins they experienced in the preceding month.
This was personal.
Sarah‘s 12-year-old son, Jason, had hit a stage where he wouldn’t look at her. Never. He defiantly turned his head away from every conversation.
Can you imagine the pain wrenching her heart? The overwhelming sadness that you’ve lost your boy. Physically he’s still in the house, but she’s lost his eyes. She’s lost his heart. She’s lost his trust. She’s lost that feeling of being connected to her son.
The most painful realization is knowing that saying, “I’d like you to look at me when we talk to each other” does no better than produce a look of resentment you never want to see in your son’s eyes.
What I love about Causative Communication is that you learn simple truths that require light energy and produce powerful outcomes.
We spend a lot of time on the concept of affinity. This is one of the most misunderstood, undervalued, underutilized and INDISPENSABLE elements of emotionally satisfying human relationships.
I’m going to dedicate several issues of these articles exploring what affinity accomplishes.
Affinity ISN’T what you’re thinking. Affinity is what you’re FEELING.
It’s how much you like or love them in that moment. And how much you’re feeling it.
A mother would naturally say, “Of course I love my son!” And, of course, we know it’s true.
But, IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW – are you FEELING it?
You’ll hear: “Well, no! He won’t look at me!”
The ability to create that affinity within yourself is one of the HIGHEST capabilities we humans possess.
It’s an ability. And, just like any other ability, it needs to be activated.
After Sarah’s coaching session, she knew her #1 priority for applying what she’d learned: Jason.
Soon after, Jason happened to oh-so-briefly glance at Sarah while she was talking to him. He did a double take. He saw something in her eyes that hadn’t been there.
Sarah was filled with great affinity for him and it was reflected in her eyes. That’s where it lives to the outside world.
He looked back at her, exploring her eyes, trying to identify what he was seeing, because it was so new.
As he looked at her, Sarah’s affinity for him grew and there was even more in her eyes.
Wide-eyed, Jason looked at her. And looked, and looked, and looked. Then, magically, his eyes filled with affinity.
Their relationship, their conversations, completely transformed at that point. She had her son back.
A mother often looks at her newborn baby with love pouring from her eyes. The baby looks back, matching her affinity. This affinity, these looks, diminish over time. Parents give their growing children, especially teenagers, very critical looks as they watch them. Totally different. And they get totally different results in their relationships.
And don’t even get me started at how we look at each other when we work in large corporations!
Do we need this affinity when we’re babies, but discard that need as adults?
Hardly.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to bring these beautiful looks, these beautiful eyes, back. All you have to do is really feel great affinity, and it will show in your eyes and create magic.
Affinity always creates magic. Gently over time, even the most drastic of relationships can be restored. And good relationships can flourish like never before.
You can’t wait for the other person to go first. But if you do want them to go first, get them reading my articles and attending my coaching sessions. Otherwise, you’re the leader.
At one of our coaching sessions this week, one of our students asked, “Should I have affinity even when I’m talking to senior executives?”
Answer: It doesn’t matter if it’s your 12-year-old son, your CEO, or a colleague you haven’t been getting along with. Affinity always produces the most magical effect. Want to see it for yourself? It’s easy enough. Feel it. Then go talk to them.
Causative Communication is about having real answers. This is one of them.
Be the cause!