The making of a king

Daniel opened this message after a critical meeting and knew that others had clearly seen his new state of being:

“Not sure if it’s the coaching, but you had a rather regal presence.  Your ideas were very clear, collaborative and it was a boosted energy from previous meetings.  Thank you for all of the insight and input you provided today.”

You rarely see the word regal, meaning worthy of a king, used to describe someone in the corporate world – very rare.  It’s a badge of honor. You have to earn it, and Daniel did. 

How did he get here?

Daniel already had the highest rating from his team of any senior manager in the organization, 4.8 out of 5, on scores of productivity, team spirit and loyalty. He regularly received kudos from his boss and the rest of the organization for his work.

The problem is, emotionally speaking, Daniel is done with this job. He’s beyond ready for more.  Daniel wakes up every morning aching for the next level.  He wants to be a VP so bad, it’s difficult to find satisfaction anymore in what he’s doing right now.

But his boss, and his boss’ boss, keep telling him he’s not ready.

There’s not much worse than feeling stuck and feeling like you can’t control your own destiny.

Daniel’s boss told him that what Daniel is missing is this extremely nebulous quality called executive presence. But his boss couldn’t really explain or define it for him.  And Daniel had no idea what it was either.

So they called me.

You might think that executive presence is a recent phenomenon, a concept that only made its appearance in the corporate world in the last century.

Not so.  Noah Webster was writing about it in 1828, and it had been around for a long time even before that.  They were writing about (and admiring) this quality of presence in men and women all the way back in ancient civilizations.  I like to use what Noah wrote about it in my coaching.  He explains it well.

Here’s what it is:

Superior presence of mind.  A calm, firm state of the mind, with thoughts and abilities at command, which enables a person to speak or act without embarrassment or self-consciousness.

The thing about this, is that it’s very rare.  While anyone is capable of it, very few in the corporate world demonstrate it.  Here’s why:

Very simply put, executive presence is a state of mind.

Let’s examine it by breaking down Noah Webster’s definition one word at a time:

Superior means to surpass what is considered usual regarding excellence, greatness, goodness and quality.  It’s a superior state of mind.

Presence is a state of being that is focused, cool, firm and prepared.

Calm means still. Your mind is still. You are still. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be very dynamic. It means that you and your energy, are not agitated. There is a stillness to your energy. It’s not rushed.  It is not disturbed.  It flows forth easily.

Firm means secure in position, unshaken, strong, steadfast.

Being in complete command of your thoughts and abilities means that you have complete power and authority over exercising them.  You are in complete control of your thoughts and your abilities. It’s a state of being in complete command over yourself.  This very naturally, very organically, generates authority, which is the power others give you which is derived from their opinion, respect or esteem.

Embarrassment is being ashamed of yourself.  You want none of that.

Self-consciousness means being too aware of yourself. The opposite of self-conscious is aware of the world around you, of others, not focused on yourself.  Effortlessly.

Every single one of these is an ability. It’s not a personality trait.  I say that to dispel any false idea you might have been told that you have to be born with it.  I’ve worked with thousands of very different personalities who have developed these abilities. Each personality has its own unique style. You have your own unique style. That’s your personality. The qualities above are abilities, not personalities.  You can develop each of these abilities and then add your own beautiful style to them, just as Daniel did during our coaching sessions.

This state of mind is the foundation from which you communicate and from which you act. When you can do that, your communication has the power of executive presence, and your actions do as well.

People then naturally put you into the leadership position. For one simple reason: it’s obvious that you belong there. It would not be fitting, it would not be right, to put you anywhere else. Your promotion to leadership is inevitable, assuming you have the technical and business skills required.

Daniel’s organization does not have the position of King.  So I don’t think that Daniel will be crowned. However, I have no doubt that one of his next emails to me is going to announce a major promotion. That email he received above is just one of many similar ones he’s happily answering these days.  It’s happening.

You are in control of your destiny.

If things aren’t going in the direction you want, then get the skills you need to change that.

You are the king or queen of your “kingdom,” after all.

Be the cause!

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The biggest lie ever told…

I’m sending this article out a day early, because of what tomorrow brings, because of the conversations that will happen.

 I live in America.  Most of my readers live in America, although a great number live in countries around the globe.  Politics has reached deeply into every corner of the world, into many lives, millions of conversations.

 Right now, we have 25,000 armed military troops dressed in riot gear in our beautiful nation’s capital.  This is more troops than we have had on-site during many declarations of war.

It signals many things, but to me, primarily it signals the breakdown of communication.  Force enters in when communication breaks down. As long as communication is working, force is unnecessary.

This past Sunday, I went for a walk and stopped to talk to one of my neighbors.  John is passionate about everything, from gardening and music to local politics.  I made the serious mistake of thinking he and I had similar political views, and commented to him about a controversial California politician I greatly admire.

John exploded.  He doesn’t believe anything this politician says. He went on and on and on, passionately explaining his beliefs. 

Our disagreement could not have been greater.

I opened my mind and really listened to him. I genuinely understood John and his point of view. He made several extremely valid points. He also said some things I knew nothing about and I made a note to research them when I got home because it would be interesting to learn about them. I listened and I listened and I listened. 

While he was talking, I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was simply listening and really understanding, really seeing it from his point of view.  Mostly I was making sure I was just getting it fully and understanding. 

There are many things I love about John. He’s a very cheerful guy who always lights up when he sees me.  He’s friendly to everyone. He always lends a hand to every neighbor on our street. John’s the guy who shows up with the wheelbarrow when you need one.  He loves to talk to everyone.

As I listened to John say things I completely disagreed with, I never lost the good feeling I have for him.

John talked in great detail.  He said all he wanted me to know, and it was a lot.  When he was finished, he seemed to notice me for the first time.  He examined my face.  I think he could see I was concentrating very seriously on him and just plain listening.  John smiled at me and said, “I sure didn’t mean to go off like that.”

I said, “I’m glad you did. I’m very happy to know what you’re thinking. I really understand what you’re saying, I really get your point of view on this. There are some things you said I’ve never heard and I’m going to look into them.”

John looked at me with a super friendly look and said, “What you said about this politician is something I’ve never heard. If it’s true, that would change my opinion of him.  I’m going to do some research on that, that would be very interesting.” 

We both smiled and talked about the goings-on in the street.  Very happy to be neighbors.

The reason I’m writing this is because millions of political conversations are happening. And I want you to know that the propaganda that’s put out about how “difficult” it is for people to communicate when they have different or opposing views is a lie.  Believing this lie erects barriers between us when we need to reach each other most.

The truth is that we as human beings are capable of great understanding, we are capable of seeing things from many different viewpoints, we’re capable of seeing things from billions of different viewpoints. There is simply no limit on this one.

Yet, by magazines and media, we are systematically brainwashed to think that our own viewpoint is the only one that is valid and that we “can’t talk to” someone who has a different view or conviction.  This belief that communication is “difficult” ensures we will have enduring conflict.

John and I have completely different points of view, completely different sources of information, completely different beliefs, and we have a major disagreement that we are both passionate about.  But we have no conflict. Why?

Because we’re both willing to understand each other, to find out more and to keep talking about it.

I have no doubt that something amazing is going to come out of this conversation.  And I have a feeling that we will both be surprised by how it turns out.  That’s how good communication works.

Why is John willing to understand me?  Because I understand him.  Period.

Whoever you’re talking to, what they really want from you is understanding.

The more you understand them, the more willing they are to understand you.  This is a natural law in play in all humanity.  It looks like magic when it happens, but I’ve seen it happen now across all borders for over 30 years. 

You’re the one to get the ball rolling.   

Show the world the “lie” isn’t true…

Be the cause!

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Transforming a screen full of "black squares" into real connection

Isabella was about to give a presentation to the most important customer in the European region, representing more money for her company in one year than she had ever seen in her lifetime. The customer was not happy and Isabella was there to explain what had gone wrong.

Isabella is a warm, wonderful, caring and intelligent woman. She has no trouble connecting with people in person.

This meeting, however, was virtual with seven people Isabella had never met. None of them had their camera on. She was looking at a wall of little black squares with names written on them. They looked more like gravestones than people.

How do you build rapport with that?

When I first started coaching her, she was terrified, looking at the camera lens like it was a snake.  You can imagine the tension in her face, the look in her eyes. 

You can also imagine what the customer reaction would be. With so little confidence in herself, there was no chance Isabella would inspire confidence in any of the seven unhappy people on the call who were ready to rip into her.

Isabella‘s first big challenge was simply being comfortable.  The first thing I helped her with was getting rid of the “mental noise” in her head.  You know what I’m talking about – when your mind is ping-ponging all over the place and making you tense up.  All that mental noise kept her from having any focus. We got rid of it so she was calm, relaxed and comfortable.

I then did several exercises with her until she could comfortably look at the camera lens and imagine it was a real face, a friendly person with warm eyes, reassuringly smiling at her.

As Isabella did that, her own features transformed into a beautiful, very genuine smile. Her eyes became warm and radiant. You couldn’t help but smile back at her.

The camera lens became a portal that allowed Isabella to walk through and enter the minds and hearts of the people on the other side.

Then she practiced communicating the news, creating powerful key messages that would resonate and delivering them compassionately, with quick impact. 

As we elevated the quality of Isabella‘s communication, you could feel the transformation in the outcome Isabella now controlled.

 She inspires your confidence.  Yet she also creates a powerful emotional impact.  She is so much on your side, you can’t resist her.

In her next customer call, the miracle happened.

As Isabella was speaking, gradually the cameras came on, real faces, real people, smiling back at her, nodding, understanding, trust growing.  Understanding the problem, but willing to move forward and work with her on the solution.  Just as if they were in person.

Transformation.  Catastrophe averted.

Isabella‘s heart and whole being exploded with inner joy and celebration.

You might be thinking this is an isolated incident. It isn’t.

Our students see miracles like this regularly. Both in their communications and their presentations.  It’s the reason we at ETS love what we do. 

Our mission is to help people become powerful communicators who can accomplish their goals with the way they communicate their ideas.  Ideas have power, but only when they’re communicated well.

Real communication creates real magic. Everything else is just talking.

This is a world in need of miracles.  Every miracle you have as a communicator affects at least one other person. It uplifts them for their next conversation.

This is how the ripples in the pond go forward when one pebble is dropped into the water.  The pebbles you drop eventually reach distant shores.  Keep going and one day we’ll have a world that’s much, much easier to live in, a world filled with real communication, warmth and understanding.

The question isn’t whether or not you can create these miracles, the question is just how many  you will choose to create?

Be the cause!

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Living in gray or dreaming in color

I was literally blown away this week by the responses I received to last week’s article, A quiet rebel's guide to being unrealistic.   Dreamers, lots of them, came out of the woodwork, or more accurately, down from the clouds. They had a lot to say.

The thoroughness and forcefulness with which they have been told to kill their dreams penetrated my core.

Each one of these dreamers is splendidly unique.  You would say, “Wow, this person is not like anyone I’ve ever met.” 

Yet they all have certain things in common. They’re too humble to say this about themselves, but these common qualities shine like the sun.

Perhaps you share these things with them, and even in your humility, you can see you have these qualities.

They’re extraordinarily attractive, intelligent and artistic in everything they do, from the way they dress to the way they approach a conversation, to the way they make a presentation.  They beat the odds in creating rich, meaningful lives. And people love them.

Especially as they’re working for large corporations, the world around them has often made a point of aggressively intruding on their dreams and insisting they face reality.

But, fortunately, they have one more very important thing in common.  With no unpleasantness in their hearts, they neglect this shoddy and cruel advice, turn their face to the sun and follow their dreams. 

That is the mark of a quiet rebel. They do not fight, they do not complain, they do not yell or scream. They simply BEND reality and create the future they wish to see.

They are the very embodiment of the word CAUSATIVE.

They stand out from all the others in mega-corporations who stop dreaming and conform to the world around them, the ones who make the choice to shrink to carry on.

This is important and there’s no other word for it.  The only way to conform to the world around you is to shrink.

But you know … it’s precisely those dreams that others will tell you are impossible, those are the dreams that are going to make you deeply happy.

That’s what this New Year is all about: the choice between the dark, gray world of others’ reality or the colorful world of your dreams.

The one who owns their dreams, owns reality.  The one who owns reality, creates reality.  That’s the one who creates the ultimate outcome, the one with stronger ownership. 

Who owns your dreams?  The one you listen to.  Is the voice inside you more compelling than any others?

The world desperately needs the dreamers.  The world desperately is in need of your dreams, especially if you dream in color.

That’s what being causative is all about – taking your ability to communicate to a level where it shapes the facts of existence.

Do you believe you can do that? That’s the reason we offer our classes and workshops. So dreamers can come and acquire the skills they need to prove that being causative is, in fact, very possible.

We are the creators of reality, which gives us life, not the accepters of reality which gives us death by 1,000 cuts.

I’ve had the feeling that I was writing these articles to the dreamers of the world, the quiet rebels.  To you.  And I am so happy to know that this is true.

Dear Dreamer, Dear Quiet Rebel – When we hear your voice, the whole world wins.  We do want yours to be a voice the whole world hears. 

Be the cause!

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A quiet rebel's guide to being unrealistic

Every person who ever told me to face reality never seemed very happy to me. I was told to face reality from the time I was little. So it started young. And it was from a good number of people.

I was a big day-dreamer and it happened when I told them dreams of what I was going to be, what I would do, the life I dreamed of living. This is when they’d look at me severe and grimly and say, “Dreams are nice, but you need to face reality.”  Then present me with an expectant look that plainly said, “It’s time to wipe that smile off your face, young lady.”

I only had one teacher, Miss Herman, who said, “You’re going to go places, Ingrid, don’t forget that, and don’t forget us.”  I will never forget her.

Actually, if you want to know the truth, it started really early.  Apparently, when I was a baby, I spent a lot of time laughing. My mother said even when she left me alone for a little bit, from the next room she could hear me laughing and laughing. When she came in, I was very entertained by the light dancing on the ceiling as the trees outside swayed in the wind and their leaves cast playful shadows of light. (Note:  I still find that endlessly entertaining.)

Anyway, she took me to the doctor because I was laughing so much, everything made me happy and I was always laughing at the least little thing. She was afraid I was mentally defective. The doctor examined me rather thoroughly and told my mother that I had no mental defects, she just had a really happy baby.

She couldn’t quite understand why I was so happy. It makes total sense to me. I had a really cool family and I was super happy to be alive.

I also really liked people. I found pretty much everyone interesting.  I loved talking to strangers.

So teachers, and even random people, started telling me to face reality pretty early. They made a point to let me know that the world was not as good a place as I seemed to think it was. Reality came to mean something pretty grim, slightly dangerous, a little or a lot unpleasant and definitely something you couldn’t do anything about.

And, most important, when it comes to you versus reality, reality always has the winning hand, you will always lose.

You can understand why I wasn’t crazy about the reality they kept telling me I had to face. It clearly meant giving up my dreams.  It actually even meant I should stop dreaming altogether.

So, I learned to look very serious. I learned how to get the straight A’s in school that seemed to make everyone happy, grades that turned out to be meaningless because they were no measure of whether I was a good person or whether I could do anything meaningful, or contribute anything worthwhile to the world.

But I knew this was wrong and I couldn’t sell out my dreams.  I was a quiet rebel.  I didn’t announce my rebellion, I just acted on it. I won’t get into all I did to make school tolerable, suffice it to say, I had a really good time (clean fun) and laughed a lot when they weren’t looking.

I started our organization, Effective Training Solutions, when I was in my 20’s. They told me to face reality yet again, that I was too young to start my own company. Even my mother told me to go get “a real job” when I told her I was the CEO of a company of one.

And here I am, over 30 years later…living a dream.

Because that’s what it comes down to. Dreams versus reality. It’s not you versus reality it’s your dreams versus reality.  And, in truth, it’s someone else’s reality, it’s never yours.

And that’s what this New Year is all about. There are WAY too many heavy-duty realities being enforced on all of us.

What does that do to our dreams?

If your answer is, that you dream even bigger and are making those dreams come true, Bravo!

If your answer is, that you’re waiting to either see how it all turns out or are waiting for it to change, it’s time to reclaim your precious dreams.  They are the most important part of your life. 

I spend 20% of my time observing reality exactly the way it is.  And 80% focused on how I want it to be and making it happen.

We have 12 people in our organization. We just had a series of major end-of-year meetings. We looked back over the last year and forward into our new year.

The reality looking back was grim.  We received an email at 3 PM one day in March telling us that, starting at midnight, we were not allowed to come back to the office. Every single client we had scheduled through 2020 suddenly canceled. We had no online training going, only in-person clients scheduled, so suddenly the rug was pulled out from under our business and our dreams completely.

My team and I had an immediate meeting and within two hours we had new dreams we were inspired by, a strategy and a plan.

Over the last nine months we have executed on it, with many pivot points along the way where we responded to continuously changing observations about what our clients really need.

In 2020 we pulled together, did the hard work, basically climbed a very high mountain, and were so busy climbing, we never looked down to see how far we’ve come.

In these meetings, we realized we had reached the top of a very high mountain and we all sat back to enjoy the beautiful view.

The wins from our clients have been so satisfying, so richly rewarding, so deeply moving, so profoundly wonderful, we were filled with gratitude.  All the new people that we’ve met and who have enriched our lives so greatly. And we are so happy for the great number of people that we have helped who now can go forward to communicate successfully to the world around them and create new realities.  People who are making a difference, people who are uplifting the world around them.

We look back on 2020 with pain and sorrow for the injury that was done to the dreams of so many.

And we look back with great joy for all the people we helped.

The world around us has been unrelentingly brutal. Surrounded by this harsh reality, we created our own world of goodness and brought many people into that world. 

And that’s what this new year is about.  

It’s not about facing reality. It’s not about waiting to see what’s going to happen. It’s not about waiting for everything to change.

It’s about creating a beautiful new reality that truly makes us … you, me, all of us … deeply satisfied and happy.

Facing reality isn’t going to get us there. Creating reality will.

So my wish for you is to be filled with the courage (because it takes real courage) to face your dreams and make them your new reality.

I will never tell you to face reality. I believe in your ability to CHANGE reality, to improve it, to make a better world, for you, for your family, for everyone you work with.

I believe in you. I believe in your dreams.

If there’s any way I can help you make them all come true, just let me know. I’m all about making dreams come true.  That’s the best part of life. And helping people.

And being way too happy. And laughing way too much.

I’ve announced a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with confidence you can create the beautiful future you want.  It’s a great workshop if you want to go into the new year feeling great about yourself. 

Here’s the link to enroll if you’d like to step into this world for a couple of hours.

Be the cause!

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Bringing light to the hidden miracle of difference

Photo: @frankstelges

I have a special fondness for writing before dawn, as dark turns to light. This week it’s felt more powerful. This is the big pivot point of the year, the winter solstice. We’ve journeyed into the shortest, darkest day. And now each new dawn will gradually return us to light and warmth.

The complete dark of my pre-dawn morning is lit by the many colorful lights of my Christmas tree. This Noble Fir puts out a heady scent that makes me feel I am in a forest. A night forest lit by magical lights.

Before I write, I sit still and look out at the lights across the dark Bay. No thoughts, pure awareness. I tune into the world, specifically the world that you and I share. I tune in planet-wide and am simply aware. Inspiration comes to me and I start writing.

This morning was completely different. I sat still. Tuned in. And burst into tears. Not sadness. Overpowering realization about our world.

Our world is one I know something about. I’ve been delivering programs internationally for over 20 years.

I’ve answered questions and had discussions about “cultural differences” with people in 43 countries on every populated continent. They’re all interested in this.

The discussions always revolve around differences, not similarities.

Not one person has ever asked me about the similarities.

Think about that for a moment.

My overpowering realization was that we were missing something big, important. And I was suddenly stunned not by our differences, but by the magnitude of our similarities.

Our cultural differences are small. They mainly have to do with manners and politeness. They seem huge when we run into them, but they are pale and small compared to our similarities.

We are all part of something called humanity. Our similarities (when we find them) empower us to create a bridge to crossover and reach each other.

The similarities aren’t trivial. They’re the big, personal motivations in our lives. The things that matter. The hopes fulfilled that give our lives meaning.

Here are but a few I have found in people everywhere:

• We have a powerful need to be understood

• When someone understands us, we experience a beautiful feeling of relief and gratitude

• When we fully understand another person, we feel closer to them, it swiftly brings us

• closer to each other

• When someone has affinity for us, it makes us feel respected, safe, valuable, important, it brings out the best in us

• A day filled with affinity is a good day

• Miscommunication is frustrating for all of us

• We’re always looking for any way, for anything that will help us be better understood

• The more people we’re able to communicate successfully with, the richer our lives are

• When someone reaches out to us with kindness, we cherish it

• We are capable of great love and when we have it, we like it a lot

• No one has enough

I could go on. I have no doubt you could help complete this list. You know what’s important. Could this list ever be complete? I can think of hundreds more similarities.

We love to laugh. That’s an important one.

These are universal. No borders. We share them with everyone. That young boy in a yurt in Mongolia, that executive on the phone in London, that person you’ll be talking to today.

The magic of online technology has opened up a whole new world for me and my organization. We are reaching people more people and more countries than ever.

There’s a feeling that I always have at the end of my workshops and coaching sessions. As I look at my students’ faces, and they are radiant with joy, pride, affinity for me and for each other, I feel a closeness that I know they feel also, like we are right here together, inches away from each other, even though they may be 19 time zones away.

None of us wants the session to end because we’re enjoying the companionship, the understanding, we’ve all helped each other, we brought ourselves and each other to a new place, a new understanding, a new ability, a new level of humanity. The feeling is extraordinary.

Later, when I get an email from one of them, my heart accelerates seeing their name in my inbox. It’s a “forever” relationship of helping, caring and understanding.

The overpowering realization I had this morning is that this, communication, is what ties us together.

We share an overpowering human urge. It doesn’t matter where we are in the world, we want to be understood. We want to understand.

When I realized the power and simplicity of this, and what it means, what it truly means, I burst into tears.

I must say, as humanity, as badly as we all want this, we don’t know how.

And that’s why I love what I do. I help bring the how into people’s lives.

And when my students know how, they can communicate successfully with anyone, across any divide, any cultural barrier, disagreement, difference, and they can create understanding and that really good feeling.

When we can all do that, we can accomplish a goal that we have as humanity: to communicate successfully with each other, to understand and be understood. To have that really good feeling about each other.

From there, all things are possible. We have it within our power to turn this whole planet from dark to light.

Let’s bring this down into your world. How does all this help you communicate?

If you’d like to see a truly magical outcome, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pick someone in your life that you’ll be talking to over these next couple of weeks, whether it’s your weird uncle, your boss or a colleague across the ocean. Find as many similarities between the two of you as you can. Look for similarities you share on the surface. Look for ones that are deeper. Then start the conversation by talking about the similarities you share. See where the conversation goes. It will go to a new place.

If you need help transforming the relationships in your life, whether at home or at work, then get the coaching we offer to move you through the steps towards mastery. It doesn’t take long and it’s life-changing.

Also, I’ve announced a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with confidence you can create the beautiful future you want. Here’s the link if you want to awaken this sleeping power.

Be the cause!

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How to transcend the physical universe...through a camera lens

Last week I promised to show you how to transform your relationship with your video camera so you can create a powerful connection with each person you talk with. 

I’m assuming you share something in common with the hundreds and hundreds of people we’ve been helping develop strong virtual communication and presentation skills these past 9 months:  they all hate talking to the camera. 

They feel it’s bad enough they’re not in person.  That alone makes it more challenging to build trust and a great relationship quickly.

But when they find out they’re not supposed to look at the other person’s picture, they really don’t like it.  A completely understandable reaction.

Here’s the worst part of being virtual: It doesn’t matter whether you’re “direct to camera” or in a virtual meeting, you have to build a rich, meaningful human connection through the camera.

You have to look straight into, and talk to, a cold, dark, empty, little lens.  You don’t get to experience even one human face, or the warmth of someone else’s eyes as you’re doing it.

So, how do you create a meaningful connection sitting in front of an impersonal computer monitor facing an empty, life-deprived camera?  There’s only one way to do that.

You have to transcend the physical universe.

Transcend means to rise above, go beyond the limits of.  In the 14th century it meant escape.

I’ll show you how.

When you look into that camera lens, the first thing that hits you is its cold inhumanity.

That camera lens doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t hear you. It doesn’t respond to you.  It feels nothing for you.

And yet that lens is your ONLY portal into the other person’s world.

Most people look at that lens like it’s a piece of furniture.

It is, of course.  But if you look at that lens like it’s a piece of furniture while you’re talking, your eyes will be empty, dead, flat. When the other person sees you, you might look very “professional”, but there won’t be any life in your eyes.  Zero human connection between you.

To create that deep human connection, you have to look at the camera lens a certain way.

You have to look at the lens not only as if it were another human, and not only a human you care about.  That’s just the start. 

You have to look at that camera lens like you are looking into the eyes of a human who cares about you, even loves you. 

You probably haven’t seen yourself, your face, your eyes, when someone who loves you looks into your eyes.

I’ve had a front row seat studying all forms of communication for over 30 years.

I’ve also had, and have, much love in my life.  Much love I have given, much love given to me. 

Love transforms.

I know what you look like when someone who loves your looks into your eyes. Your eyes completely change.  They even change their shape. They come alive. They’re radiant. You are radiant. 

You never look more beautiful. You never look more handsome. Than this moment.

The human connection you create at that moment is at its most powerful.

It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. It doesn’t matter how your hair looks. The true beauty that is you emerges from inside and radiates to the outside world, creating a spectacular, invincible human connection. 

The reason for this is that when someone who loves you looks into your eyes, it triggers within you a feeling of mutual affinity, and from your eyes pours out a beautiful expression of spontaneous affinity and caring.

This is the ESSENCE of human connection. 

It has no borders. It transcends culture. I know. I have delivered our programs in 42 countries. There isn’t one country where this isn’t true.

It even transcends the physical universe.

If you create this experience when you’re virtual, you will have a conversation like no other.

Actually, you have to realize that when you’re virtual, to be effective, you MUST transcend the physical universe.  

The physical universe is a trap. It’s designed to trap you into thinking you can’t connect with the person on the other side.

You have to elevate yourself to a realm of human experience and creative imagination that transcends this.

No, it’s not easy. The first pitfall you’re going to encounter is the camera lens itself. That cold, unfeeling, unresponsive piece of furniture you need to look directly into.

BUT, when you look into the camera lens, refuse to be fooled. Refuse to see a camera lens.

Look into that lens and see a pair of eyes and a wonderful human who loves you.

So much in life is designed to kill the imagination we’re natively born with.  Re-activate yours. 

You’re capable of great imagination.  You’re capable of great love.

Look into that lens, and refuse to be trapped by the physical universe.   You are greater than it. Create a reality that transcends this cold one with your imagination.

It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about. Finance, other numbers, your product, dry legal stuff, engineering data, strategy, sales results, doesn’t matter.

The truth is that you ARE talking to a human being, someone who has awareness and a heart.

Tap into that awareness and heart, yours and theirs.  

It’s a new universe you’ll create. You’ll find it easily conquers the physical universe and opens the virtual portal for you to cross through and create a rich, meaningful conversation and relationship on the other side. 

I can assure you that people are hungrier than ever for rich, real, three-dimensional, full experience conversations.

Especially in the business world.  Thousands upon thousands of human beings are sitting in front of a flat computer screen, longing for a REAL human face in front of them.

The world is starved for REAL human connections.

Right now if you can create that for the world around you, you are more valuable, more precious than jewels.  You will be showered with more gratitude than you’ve ever had in your life.

And the personal satisfaction from these connections will feed your, and their, very soul. 

If you need help, then get the coaching we offer to move you through the steps towards  mastery.  It doesn’t take long and it’s life-changing.

Also, I’ve announced a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with greatness.  Here’s the link if you want to awaken the power inside you.

Be the cause!

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Your heart need shelter nowhere

Peter, an executive I just coached, sent me a 1:15 minute video he recorded of holiday greetings that he’s planning to send to his worldwide team.

I forwarded it to Janet, our Lead Trainer, and she emailed back, “Oh, that is SO nice, so warm and sincere.  I’d want to work for him.”

Peter reaches you with his eyes. It’s so powerful, your computer monitor disappears.  Peter is right there in front of you, only a foot away.  His sincere message, simply delivered, flies unobstructed, straight to your heart.

It’s an experience.

Peter is not being “corporate”.  He’s not like anyone else.  He is uniquely himself, just as you are uniquely yourself.  That shines through.

Even in the first 1:15 minutes that you see him, Peter is someone you want to work for. That alone qualifies him as a leader.

What Peter was doing is one of the most difficult things to do.  He was communicating what is called “direct to camera”.  No humans in the room. Just Peter and the camera.

What does this have to do with you?

I have no doubt you have been extensively virtual this past year, way more than you ever expected.

Me too.  I never expected this year to look this way.  I’ve been coaching hundreds and hundreds of people, trapped in a format that’s stripped of soul and humanity, on how to make their virtual communications, relationships and presentations rich and meaningful.

When all this first started, we expected it to be over in two weeks. Two weeks felt endless, but we could endure it.

Two weeks turned into the better part of a year, with no end in sight.   One marathon after another.  And yet another ahead.

I can assure you that people are hungrier than ever for rich, real, three-dimensional, full experience conversations.

Especially in the business world.  Thousands upon thousands of human beings are sitting in front of a flat computer screen, longing for a REAL human face in front of them.

The world is starved for REAL human connections.

Right now if you can create that for the world around you, you are more valuable, more precious than jewels.  You will be showered with more gratitude than you’ve ever had in your life.

And the personal satisfaction from these connections will feed your very soul.

But how do you do that? You’re sitting in front of a cold computer monitor facing an emotionless camera lens.  How do you create a beautiful world despite this life-deprived barrier of machinery?

Next week I’ll show you how to transform your relationship with your camera to achieve a powerful connection with each person you talk with.  I’ll show you how to transcend the physical universe.

And last week I wrote about a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with greatness.  Here’s the link if you want to awaken the power inside you.

In the meantime, do all you can to reach out to the world around you.

It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about.  It’s not just “business”.

It’s life.  It’s us.

Refuse to disconnect your heart. 

You may have to shelter at home, like we do in the San Francisco Bay Area. 

But your heart need shelter nowhere.  Not ever.

Let your heart reach the four corners of the globe.  On behalf of the world, we need and warmly welcome your heart and all you have to give.

Be the cause!

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Gratitude for the limitless

Thanksgiving has always been a profound holiday to me. We don’t celebrate a particular event or person. We celebrate the people in our lives, our love, their love, family and friendship.

We do it with too much food, love and laughter.

It reminds us what’s important.  It reminds us who we really are.

We’re unlimited in our ability to reach out and touch each other in ways that have great deep emotional and spiritual meaning and satisfaction. 

This is what distinguishes us as human beings, as humanity.

I was deeply moved by an email I received from one of our students in response to a recent  article I’d written.

He wrote:

“I seem to have so many great conversations with people out of the blue that inspire me and confirm that things aren’t as bad in this world/country as it appears.  I find that if you take the initiative to inquire, speak, be friendly… people are normally so open to share and you are able to see the real side of people/humanity.  It’s so refreshing when it seems all we hear is the complete opposite. 

“I rode my motorcycle to the DMV yesterday to update my registration.  When I came back to my bike, there was an elderly lady in an SUV parked next to me with her door open.  It was obvious that there was some interest/curiosity there.  She made some complimentary remarks about my bike and inquired about what it’s like to ride.

So I naturally expressed how it made me feel, how the world looks different when riding and how great of a stress relief it is for me.  She obviously had thought about it before, because what I said seemed to confirm her thinking. 

She mentioned how she likes to understand other people’s perspectives on things. I mentioned that we should all be that way on so many issues.  We talked for a while about parts of the country we have visited, loved ones killed in tragic motorcycle accidents and other items of mutual interest.  

“I felt like I could sit down for coffee with this elderly black lady and talk about anything (race, politics you name it) and have a positive and productive, unintimidating conversation.

“You can’t imagine how refreshed I felt leaving there.  

“Not only did it give me a much better (and likely realistic) view of our country, but it also reinforced the power of communication and more specifically establishing a conversation based on listening and understanding what the “other” person has to convey first. It made my day.

“My lesson in this is to stop and talk to that person sitting on the bench, passing me on the street, in the grocery store or even at the DMV.  Imagine what a better world it would be If we all did this more often. This is precious, something you can’t bottle or buy in a store!”

This is who we really are.  Unlimited in our ability to reach out and touch each other in ways that have great deep emotional and spiritual meaning. 

Wishing you a beautiful, love-filled Thanksgiving, one that lifts you up and fills your soul.

Be the cause!

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The recipe for rebuilding relationships destroyed by politics

Sam’s daughter, Aisha, wasn’t talking to him.

His political views were so distasteful to her, she couldn’t even bear to look at him.

In their last conversation, Sam called Aisha naïve and immature.

That was the end. Aisha walked to her room and slammed the door.

Sam thought she’d get over it. She didn’t.

Day after day. Enemies.

The election and its aftermath made it worse.

I wish I could say that this is the only example I’ve heard where today’s politics created enemies. But, unfortunately, every day I’m learning about destroyed relationships.

Conversations ending either in anger or I can’t talk to you.

When Sam showed up for Causative Communication, he expected to learn how to handle comparatively easy situations, like leading a virtual multinational team of 1500 people through a crisis.

He had labeled the situation with Aisha as “impossible” and was simply hoping that 10 years from now, when Aisha was 27, she would have grown out of her fury.

Sam, with not a little sadness, told me, “Communication doesn’t always work.”

He’s right in one respect. Talking doesn’t always work. And if you confuse talking with communication, you’ll easily be deceived into believing that communication doesn’t always work. And you’ll lose in life.

But Sam’s problem wasn’t just that talking wasn’t working. Not talking wasn’t working either. As a matter of fact, it made things worse.

Seeing his daughter, whom he passionately loved from the moment her little body was born, now coldly and silently refusing to meet his eyes, ignoring him dinner after dinner, pierced Sam like nothing else could. If you want to rip a man’s heart out, this is how to do it.

Sam tried. And tried. Nothing worked.

So, he showed up in my life with no hope. I was happy he showed up. I hate human suffering in every form it takes.

I teach a very precise formula for communication. While the word formula sounds very cold, the result of using this formula is far from cold.

It’s actually VERY nice to have something that ALWAYS works. And results in the mending of broken relationships.

I’m going to talk about one element in the formula that Sam was omitting that kept hostility frozen in time.

That element was understanding.

Aisha’s point of view made Sam so angry, it barricaded him from any understanding. It actually made him a little crazy.

Sam disagreed with Aisha so thoroughly because his life experience had convinced him Aisha was WRONG. So wrong, that Sam believed that understanding her point of view was lowering himself into a reality that did not deserve understanding.

The only thing Sam “understood” was that Aisha was WRONG.

Fixating your attention on how wrong someone is, is as necessary an ingredient for conflict as chocolate is to chocolate cake.

Understanding simply means to perceive clearly. Sam wasn’t seeing clearly. He was seeing Aisha through a dark filter of disagreement, disappointment and anger.

In human relationships understanding simply means, seeing it from the other person’s point of view.

It doesn’t mean you agree with it. It doesn’t mean you like it. It simply means you can really see it from the other person’s point of view. That’s when you understand it.

Something happens naturally, organically, if you decide the other person is SO wrong you couldn’t possibly understand their point of view. Here’s what happens: They decide that you are so wrong, they couldn’t possibly understand you.

The more stubborn you become in your own conviction, the more stubborn they become in theirs.

It dead ends in conflict, anger and, “I can’t talk to you.”

You are actually in control of the outcome the whole time.

On the flip side, a funny thing happens naturally and organically when you understand the other person, when you GENUINELY see it from their point of view and then do a good job of letting them know you really understand.

The other person very naturally and GENUINELY reaches out to understand you.

You have a really good conversation and a beautiful feeling between you.

You are actually in control of the outcome the whole time.

Most people are too anxious, too frantic, to observe this.

Just look at the current political situation. It will supply you with more examples than you can even count.

A necessary adjunct to understanding is acknowledgment. That’s how you express your understanding.

Most people think an acknowledgment is the same thing as validating or agreeing with the person. It’s neither of these. And neither of these will work for a multitude of reasons.

How do you communicate an acknowledgement that is powerful and effective? Very few people know how. And that’s why people who don’t know how experience conflict.

This is why we spend a good number of workshop hours just on this, practicing and mastering the art of delivering a perfect acknowledgement.

It’s worth it because a perfect acknowledgment completely transforms the person, completely transforms the situation and makes conflict evaporate into thin air.

Sam wrote Aisha a long hand-written letter. The letter contained only one thing: understanding.

Sam wrote about everything Aisha had said to him, each point she had made, each belief she had, each value she held dear.

Sam took them one at a time. He reflected on each one. He made sure he understood each one from her point of view. And then Sam wrote, letting Aisha know he really understood her. It was very heart felt.

Although it was just as strong as ever, it wasn’t time to talk about it and Sam never once wrote about his own point of view. He never judged or evaluated hers. He didn’t offer any opinions. He simply really understood Aisha and let her know it, point by point.

No apology. No justification. Pure understanding. All by itself.

It took Sam several days to get the letter just right. He ended with “I love you”.

Sam sealed the letter in an envelope with Aisha’s name and slid it under her door.

Hours passed.

Right before dinner, Aisha’s door opened.

Her eyes met Sam’s. In them, Sam saw something he hadn’t seen for months: love. And the tears of a young woman. Sam opened his arms.

They’ve been talking ever since. Rich, rewarding conversations. Filled with understanding. And love.

The love was always there. But it won’t show its face when understanding is missing.

Sam wrote me: “It’s amazing. Aisha and I are having good conversations now.”

Seeing things from the other person’s point of view isn’t the same as agreeing. It also doesn’t mean that you give up your own point of view.

It does mean that you expand to include others’ points of view. In a world with 8 billion people, that’s very likely a good idea.

As someone who’s helped thousands of people, it’s not as difficult as it seems. It gets easier the more you do it. It’s magic. And nothing else works.

Wishing you only good relationships.

Be the cause!

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Gaining respect

Ruth cringed every time she saw her boss walking towards her…

Beth, a VP in stiletto heels with a mean streak the length of the Mississippi River, drowned her staff in unreasonable expectations and then verbally whipped them when they fell short.  She tore into them in public, relentlessly ripping the latest luckless soul for whatever her latest upset was.

Beth was especially vicious whenever Ruth returned from taking time off, hammering and blaming Ruth for everything that had gone wrong while was she was gone.  Ruth dreaded returning to work.

Beth’s sole ambition was to make it to SVP and she made it clear it was everyone’s job to get her there.

Not one person on her staff was able to successfully manage Beth’s cruel outbursts. They all commiserated about it when Beth wasn’t around, but no one could face up to her.  So the situation persisted.

Ruth signed up for Causative Communication because her daily interactions with Beth were destroying her.  Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.  Ruth, normally an incredibly capable woman, was a wreck. She wasn’t sleeping and was developing an ulcer.

After hearing about all this, I suggested to Ruth that finding a new role with a better boss might be her best option.  Ruth made it clear that she didn’t want to leave feeling defeated, that she needed to leave as a success, that she wanted to gain the ability to transform herself and the entire situation before she left.

The problem was, Ruth was unable to calmly and effectively face Beth. Just seeing Beth walk toward her created so much emotional churn, any communication skills Ruth did possess flew out the window.

One of the first things that Ruth and I focused on was developing the ability to be there comfortably and face a difficult person and situation. The goal was to get the emotional churn to disappear.  This took practice.

It was a real victory when Ruth gained control and was able to face anyone and anything calmly, comfortably, with clarity, even surrounded by an emotional tornado. This ability completely set the necessary foundation for her now to be able to competently handle the situation.

The next thing we worked on was increasing her ability to maintain purposeful intention when she was communicating with Beth.

We also worked on her ability to maintain her affinity for Beth. Communication is impossible in the absence of affinity. Often people give you many reasons not to like them, but if you fall for it, you won’t be able to talk with them and make real communication happen.

This isn’t as hard as it sounds.  Even with her mean streak, Beth was extremely smart and strategic.  Ruth is naturally a warm person and did find things to genuinely like about her.

Soon after the training, Ruth was at her desk and could see Beth coming out of her office. She was starting her determined and familiar “poison death march.”

As she approached, Beth’s malicious gaze zeroed in on Ruth.

But it was different this time.

Ruth’s eyes solidly met and held Beth’s.  This time Ruth didn’t cringe in fear.  Ruth met Beth’s eyes calmly, comfortably, intently, and with strong affinity.

Then a miracle happened.

Beth started to slow down, making it only halfway across the floor, and then she abruptly stopped. She looked uncertain, confused even. Beth looked away from Ruth for a moment, turned around and walked back to her office.

Ruth transformed her relationship with Beth with just one look. It was never the same again.  Ruth became the one person Beth treated with respect from there on out.

How could that possibly have happened?

When you have certainty about your own communication skills, you change at your core.

Everyone who talks to you, and sometimes only even looks at you, picks up on that. It’s not that you’re aggressive, but that you’re a real force to be reckoned with.  Most importantly, you’re a friendly, not a hostile, force. Your power is manifested in your presence, in how you deliver your words, how you listen, how you communicate.

This completely changes how they respond to you.  Admiration and respect naturally follow.

It’s important that you live your life without fear, without intimidation, with respect from everyone around you.  Most people will give you respect because they hold it as a core value.

But the (hopefully limited) number of times when you have to deal with someone who was raised by wolves, that’s when you need communication skills to transform the situation, and even the person. You want to have these skills sharp and ready by your side.

Be the cause!

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