The incredible power of acknowledgements

I live on the West Coast. My sister lives on the East in Philadelphia. Every year we take turns visiting for Christmas. This year it’s my turn to go to Philadelphia.  I’m keen to see my family there.

I was on the phone with her over the weekend planning the details. In the middle of our conversation she got into an argument with her 19-year-old son, Gabriel. I could hear all of it.

It was a heated, passionate argument, but there was something about it that blew me away.

What blew me away was that I could hear love in both their voices as they argued.  And they were soon laughing.  And as the argument went on, they were laughing more and more.

It was very easy to see the reason for that. Even though they were arguing, and they were actually pretty mad at each other, they acknowledged each other.

They were completely disagreeing, but they were actually listening to each other and they would say things like, “I understand…”  and, “Yeah, I get what you’re saying …”  before they said what they thought.

It all happened super-fast.  The acknowledgments were quick, just like the responses were.  It happened at the speed of most arguments. But I could see that with every acknowledgment, there was a burst of love and laughter from the one being acknowledged.

The argument took less than five minutes to resolve and ended on a high note.  It was actually really fun to listen to.  I enjoyed it.

I told my sister about the power of acknowledgments years ago. She’s been doing it ever since. And Gabriel has learned to always acknowledge what she says before he responds.  Even when they’re really mad.

They have a normal amount of arguments, but they’re over so fast and they’re warm and affectionate and loving.

My sister even says the dreaded word “but” (which you’re never supposed to say after an acknowledgement), like, “I understand but …” And it still works!

It made me realize that you really CAN listen to and acknowledge another person, even in the heat of an argument. Most people think you can’t or that it’s difficult.  Not true.

You just have to DECIDE to do it.

It also made me realize that it doesn’t have to be a heavy or serious thing. It can happen fast and be light, and even happen at the speed of light.

For me the most important thing about these holidays and this season is the deep love, that I get to give and receive in abundance. To me that love is sacred.

I love knowing that there’s a way to protect and preserve it, even in a heated, passionate family like mine.

You don’t have to wait for an argument to acknowledge others.  Good acknowledgements will make even the best relationship soar.  And they belong in every conversation.

May you be filled with all that makes your soul sing during the holidays!  Wishing you a joyous time with your good friends and family.

Be the cause!

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Negotiating with an enemy

Jake’s usually successful negotiation strategy was failing…

There was a $4 billion deal on the table and at the rate things were going, Jake wasn’t going to see any of it.

Across the table from Jake was Ricardo. Currents of suspicion, distrust and mild hostility flowed between them. Then Ricardo said, “No,” blocked the deal, and it was over.

Jake showed up at my place to find out what he did wrong.  He wanted to learn how to negotiate with an enemy.

Jake’s problem was that he had incorrectly identified the enemy.  He thought it was Ricardo, a man Jake described as stubborn, old-school, narrow-minded and doesn’t know how to cut a deal.

Jake’s opinion of himself was much more flattering.  He saw himself as a visionary. He thought the problem was that Ricardo couldn’t deal with a visionary.  

The real problem is that Jake didn’t know how to make effective communication happen. He believed it depended on the other person, how open they are, their ability to understand, their ability to communicate, etc...

If you pin effective communication, and therefore your outcomes and therefore your life, on the other person’s ability to communicate, you’re going to be very unhappy.

Anytime you depend on the environment or other people to make something happen, you put your life in their hands. This is a strategy that will lead to disappointment a good percentage of the time.

Happiness requires that you sit in the Director’s Chair of your life.

In the Director’s Chair, you have the power to make things turn out so you’re truly satisfied, regardless of initial opposition, resistance or blindness.

Jake’s REAL enemy was thinking that because he’s been talking his whole life, he knows how to communicate.  As Jake discovered, he was wrong.

People often tell me communication “didn’t work.” What they’re really saying is what they think is communication didn’t work. Communication always works. You just have to know the formula (yes, there is a formula) for making it happen.

It’s not one skill, it’s a package of skills. And when you execute on this package of skills, you get understandings that automatically lead to agreement, commitment and action. If you’re not getting that, you’re not communicating.

After three days of coaching and watching the difference between his “before” and “after” videos, Jake could clearly identify what REAL communication is and what he’s been missing. More importantly, he knows how to make it happen.

Jake went back and in less than five minutes of talking with Ricardo, he got a completely different result. Ricardo was now on board. There was trust and credibility.

Ricardo was never the enemy.  Ignorance was. Once Jake dealt with THAT enemy, the obstacles vanished.

Being causative means being able to make what you want to happen. Ignorance of how to do that is the only enemy standing in your path.

Be the cause!

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