When you Google, “How to handle stage fright”, you’ll find many strange suggestions, some from very prestigious sources. I saw a video posted by a respected MBA program where the solution presented is finding a friendly face and only talking to them. Audiences hate that. Another impressive source posted a video demonstrating “Power Poses” where you have one hand on your hip and another on a chair. Looks ridiculous when you actually do it. Another respected source recommended drinking orange juice. Makes me wonder if he has investments in the orange juice industry.
No mention of a root cause.
I’ve been asked to coach the CEO of a major global corporation. Google his name and an abundance of videos pop up. I’m watching portions of many of them to assess where I can help him.
This is a man who has been given so much advice on “how you need to come across”, it overwhelmed and finally drowned his soul. Unfortunately, he listened to it. It led him into crafting this artificial persona. The persona he’s been told Wall Street and a faceless group of investors demands.
I’m seeing the superficial performance of a well-scripted theatrical role: “the successful CEO you should invest in.”
It all began when a re-organization thrust Olivia into a new department. She felt like a failure almost immediately.
The people on the new team were openly hostile, smug, superior, stubborn, cold, uninviting, and often mean.
Olivia very badly wanted to blame them.
But Olivia did something that most people don’t do when faced with a situation like this.
It was a virtual workshop on Causative Communication. On my screen were five beautiful faces. Each one of them representing a wonderful person in different countries across Europe.
Julien had just finished practicing presenting a proposal to sell the government of his country a new high-tech product. The others were watching.
Julien knew something was really different about the way he was communicating. He reached the end. Long pause and then he said, “That was Amazing! I never felt that before.”
4 heads nodded. They never had either.
Julien: “What was that?”
When Jeffrey started his coaching three months ago, he knew something was off in the way that he was presenting. He said to me, “If I could be 10% of what my boss is as a presenter, I would feel like I achieved a big goal.”
The problem Jeffrey was having was a “There’s so much to say about this” problem.
When you feel like there’s so much to say, it’s easy to fall into the trap of talking too much. The audience completely disengages.
Alistair came to me for coaching because his evaluations were filled with words like “Dry”, “Dull”, and “Not inspiring”. They thought Alistair was a smart technical geek with no leadership ability. The “Loyalty” scores in his division hit the bottom.
It was very quickly clear to me that Alistair had tremendous leadership ability and was an exceptional strategist. He was tripping up on his ability to communicate, and so the outside world never saw it.
When you trip up on communication, you will trip up on leadership. They go hand in hand.
I coached Alistair on many skills. The continuing monthly evaluations from his All-Hands told us whether he was winning.
Watching Arjun’s initial presentation, I could see he was rational, professional, very corporate. But it was not compelling. You might walk away liking Arjun, but not much moved or influenced by him.
Virtual presentations had always thrown Arjun off, especially with people that he didn’t work closely with and didn’t see that often.
We worked on many skills. I’m going to talk about two that really made a big difference. They both have to do with your state of mind.
A well-loved and successful Vice President recently came to an in-person Causative Communications class we were delivering for their company to talk to the students about how she utilizes the skills she gained from our classes to create real success in her daily life and her career.
The students loved her talk. She was supposed to talk for about 20 minutes, but they were so enthralled it went on for about an hour and a half, with question after question, each followed by her giving them practical advice that inspired them. Their faces were glowing listening to her.
One question she was asked was, “How do you prepare for a challenging meeting or big presentation?” This was a particularly good question for her because she goes into many very difficult negotiations and conversations, as well as gives many important presentations. Her answer will surprise you … (read more)
Tuesday was the first day of the Causative Communication course. Prasant had just learned about affinity and the difference it makes to communication. He learned that he actually needed to feel it if he wanted to be successful, and that finding something to like about the other person was the key to feeling it.
That sounded “great in theory”, but Prasant said it was “impossible” for him to find anything to like about Martin. However, Prasant knew only too well that what he was doing wasn’t working. He’d reached the point of being willing to try anything.
A number of years ago, my father called and told me he was going to be in San Francisco giving a talk. He said, “Let’s have dinner afterward!” I was thrilled, and said I’d love to also see his talk. I’d never seen my father give a presentation. He was a trial attorney who won a lot of cases, including one in front of the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. I knew he did a lot of public speaking, but I’d only ever seen him be a father.
Following signs in the hotel lobby leading to his talk, I walked into the glittering ballroom in the Mark Hopkins, a grand 5-star hotel high atop ritzy Nob Hill, and found my father speaking … to hundreds of attorneys who packed the room to listen to him.
What?????? This was my father??????
What’s different about a real leader?
A real leader inspires and impels spirit, purpose and action. More importantly, they transform.
The only tool they have is communication.
They may have vision, wisdom, strategy, experience, knowledge and a love of humankind. But it is their communication that defines them.
A great communicator surpasses all others.
Philip said, “I’m already getting standing ovations when I speak at conferences. Not sure what you could teach me that would make me better.”
He wasn’t challenging. Just matter of fact.
I asked, “Are you getting them at the end of your presentation?”
He said, “Of course!”
I asked, “Do you also get any standing ovations during your presentations?”
Philip looked puzzled, “No.”
Pause. “Is that possible?”
It was a virtual meeting. Most people think the word “virtual” means “Far away; using technology” and definitely “not as good as in person.” (I hear this all the time.)
However, if you look up the word “virtual” in a good dictionary, you’ll see that it means “Creating the power of real without actually being real”. I want to let that sink in.
In other words, virtual reality is different than actual reality, BUT when it is done well it has the power of actual reality. In other words, it creates a new reality.
When people in the audience come to you afterward and tell you, “You really helped me!”, they’re saying that you are valuable to them.
Being valuable will do more for your career than anything else. It’s measured by how much you help. Think about the most valuable people in your career. They’re not the ones who dazzle you. They’re the ones who help you.
Someone asked me what makes my coaching different. I’m going to talk about one thing I do, and one thing that all of our incredible ETS Coaches do, that makes it extraordinary. My purpose in telling you is perhaps knowing what I focus on will help you focus on this too as you go to your next meetings and give your next presentations.
Many communication coaches and programs coach the visible: the hand gestures, the voice inflection, emphasis on certain words, body language, the slides, the smile. The visible, physical mechanics.
I coach the invisible. The invisible is manifested, and others can see it, but what I coach is not visible.
I coach: Being there, presence, affinity, attention, awareness, interest, intention, creating understanding, command, dignity.
Imagine being in a really good movie. Would you interrupt what’s happening on the screen? Never! You would never let anyone else interrupt either until it’s over.
The audience only gets restless and starts to talk, or wants to do something else, when what’s happening in front of them doesn’t hold their interest.
The right question to ask yourself is, “What does it take to be uninterruptible? What does it take to be so good, everyone wants to hear everything I have to say? How do I keep them totally captivated from my first word to my last?”
When do you give up on someone? That’s something only you can answer, but when the answer to this question affects tens of thousands of people, it’s worth pushing the limits of not giving up.
I’ve seen communication succeed despite all odds, and this is where REAL skill comes in.
Some of the people that have come here for training have no authority and they’re being influenced by the people at the top in ways that block them from doing what really should be done. Their goal for the training is to learn how to influence their leaders, especially when the leaders don’t have the communication abilities needed for others to find them easy to talk to. Especially leaders who don’t listen.
When do you give up on someone? That’s something only you can answer, but when the answer to this question affects tens of thousands of people, it’s worth pushing the limits of not giving up.
I’ve seen communication succeed despite all odds, and this is where REAL skill comes in.
Intention is an invisible wave that carries your communication across and causes you to be successful in being fully understood.
Learning how to create this carrier wave is a game-changer.
People often try a variety of different approaches before they land on the precision it takes to create pure intention.
If you would like a little more magic in your life, raising your affinity for the other person is a super effective and rapid way to create it.
It’s not something that needs to happen only once in a while. You can do it in every conversation you have. Even in horrible, terrible, hammered situations with “difficult” people. Especially in those.
Amy came to Causative Communication thinking she had to learn to “be more forceful”, but that made her feel defeated because it was so far from who she really is, and it wasn’t who she wanted to be. It meant sacrificing too important a part of herself.
I loved her immediately.
The problem wasn’t that Amy was soft-spoken. The problem was that she had absolutely no intention when she communicated.
Everyone also tells me, “I know that listening and acknowledging are ‘the right thing to do’” and they wish they could do it because, “A good person does it.”
But, there seems to be a big split between “The right thing to do” and GETTING THINGS DONE!
Of course, people want to do the right thing and be a good person, and the people I teach really are good people already. But more than anything, they need to GET THINGS DONE!
There’s a love that happens at work that’s not a romantic love. It comes from sharing and working together to achieve a deeply-felt, and deeply personal, purpose. It comes from pure appreciation. It comes from real admiration. It comes from the joy of creating something incredible with someone or someones. Perhaps you are thinking of someone in your life that you feel this for as you read this. Then you know - it’s powerful and deep.
Large corporations give us an extremely limited vocabulary for expressing this deep love. And great restrictions on how we communicate it.
“The thing about working in a really large corporation is I’m not very powerful.”
Carla didn’t realize that what she was telling me wasn’t a fact. It was a decision.
Many people don’t get this. They confuse their decisions with “the facts of life”. These only become facts after the decisions that create them. Different decisions create different facts.
Here’s how it played out for Carla and how she did the impossible.
Jayne showed up for Causative Communication desperate for a solution.
Her arguments were logical, rational and she had no idea why it wasn’t working. This kind of situation didn’t just happen once in a while in Jayne’s life. It happened a lot.
Jayne thinks light years ahead of most people, she sees what they don’t see, she comes up with answers faster than they can perceive problems. And when she has to communicate from her world to their world, if they’re not already in her world, they don’t follow her.
If you are like Jayne, here’s what you can when logical arguments don’t work.
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