I was inspired to write this article after attending the very moving Graduation for a group of 26 corporate attorneys who participated in our intensive 10-month professional development program. The purpose of this program is the achievement of superior communication skills. It includes developing Coaches who provide carefully crafted personal mentoring throughout the 10 months. Students apply what they’re learning to challenging situations and demonstrate their ability to create extraordinary results through outstanding communication.
These attorneys are great communicators to begin with.
However, to say they stepped out of their “comfort zone” to participate in this program is the understatement of understatements.
The exhilaration both Coaches and participants experienced by the end can hardly be captured in words.
One graduation requirement is for each participant to make a 2-minute video describing their journey, to talk about what they learned.
They gained a long, long list of new skills. In their videos, they each talk about the particular ways in which they use them. Each participant is very unique, has their own individual brand and accomplishments. And so, it was with some surprise to hear every single one of them highlight the same particular skill that they said they especially valued, one that had a particularly memorable impact on their relationships and their successes – affinity.
Affinity is simply how much you like the other person or persons you’re talking to. It’s what you’re feeling. It’s not what you’re thinking. And it’s how much they like you, and how much they’re feeling it as they talk to you.
You can have no affinity. You can have a little affinity. And you can be filled with affinity. Think about what each of these feel like. Big differences between them.
Most people in corporations are too busy to think about whether they like the other person. They are focused on the outcomes they need to produce and their deadlines.
Additionally, most people think affinity is something that “happens” … or not. You meet someone and you find yourself liking them. Or perhaps you never really warm up to them and you’re just kind of neutral. They’re nice enough, but nothing special.
What you learn in one of the modules of this program is how to RAISE affinity. That means gaining the ability to transform the feeling between yourself and the other person(s) into a real positive, where you really LIKE each other – a LOT.
What a great feeling that is!
Most people will say that this happens naturally when the other person agrees to the outcome you want. They’re right, it does. You often suddenly get a burst of good feeling for someone when they agree with you.
But what if they disagree?
What people learn in this program is that you can RAISE affinity in ANY circumstance, that you’re not dependent on circumstances or the other person, nor on whether you agree or disagree, and that you are a far better communicator when you are able to raise affinity with anyone and everyone you’re talking to, whether with 1 person or 1000.
They also learn that, when you raise affinity, everything goes SO much better, including getting a much better outcome. The other person becomes more open and much more generous because affinity produces these feelings.
These corporate attorneys spend their days in contentious meetings and difficult negotiations. When everything is going right, they’re not called to help. They’re specialists in conflict and disputes. Situations where affinity often starts very low and goes lower.
Yet, here they all were, with no prompting, unanimously voicing that learning how to raise affinity was one of their most valuable learnings.
They’re basing this on their actual results in the real world. They had to see it working before they could trust it. At work and in their personal lives. And that’s exactly what happened.
Negotiations, difficult conversations, problem situations and problem people, and even presentations, were transformed and successful outcomes, outcomes they were all happy with, were the result. Along with enjoying the development of excellent working and personal relationships.
When I looked at their radiant faces during the Graduation, Coaches and participants alike, I could easily see how disarming they now are, how they create an atmosphere of trust, sincerity and warmth that inspires truth and confidence.
It’s pretty profound.
This one element, its presence or absence, makes such a drastic difference in all human communication.
What that tells me is that a real human connection, a very positive human connection, is one of the most important ingredients in communications. That is precisely what affinity creates.
Affinity is a powerful tool for every area of your work and your life.
That’s what I love about the work we do and the material we teach. It’s simple things that make a powerful difference, and lots of them.
This is a time of year when we look forward to spending time with family, friends and people we love. It’s a time when the affinity we exchange in this season uplifts us, restores us and recharges our batteries. And a time that our affinity recharges the batteries of others, who I am sure are in need of recharging.
As we look forward to celebrating the last of 2022, I wish you a season filled with affinity and encourage you to splurge on it, both at work and at home! Get filled up with affinity so you feel fully restored, empowering you to enter 2023 with your cup overflowing.
Be the cause!