Peter and Gordon don’t know each other. They work in different organizations and completely different industries. One is on the East Coast, and one is on the West. They’re both senior executives in major corporations employing tens of thousands of people.
What they have in common is that they’ve both come to me for coaching on executive presence this week. They also have something else in common with each other. It’s something they actually share in common with many other people…possibly even with you.
They have a way of sabotaging themselves with one question.
This is one of the most frequently asked questions in major corporations today. I hear it all the time. Most people don’t have the self-awareness to realize that asking it undermines themselves, but thoroughly.
After Peter and Gordon finish saying something important, something they want others to understand, to believe, to support, to do, they ask:
“Does that make sense?”
How many times have you heard that question?
Is it one you ask?
Stop and reflect on it for a moment.
Asking this question is the equivalent of asking, “Do you think I’m a babbling idiot?”
Why on Earth would you ever ask someone that question?
If you’re serious about developing executive presence, you certainly don’t want to be asking it.
The intention for this question is to signal, “I have completed communicating my idea and I would like you to respond.”
That’s perfectly intelligent and legitimate.
But asking it as, “Does what I just said make sense?” suggests that you might be a gibbering, blathering fool.
It insinuates that what you just said is not intelligent, that it’s nonsense, that you seriously doubt your ability to convey an intelligent idea and you need reassurance from others that possibly you’re not a complete twit. That you yourself can’t tell if you’re making sense.
What does THAT say about you????
The craziness of this question is multiplied by the frequency with which people ask it. I’ve heard the same person ask it after every time they finished speaking, five times in one meeting.
Can you see how this question undermines the person asking it? It immediately puts you in a position of weakness. It says: “I know I said it, but it probably doesn’t make sense. I can’t tell. You tell me. You’re probably smarter than me about these things.”
It also says, “Don’t simply respond to what I just said. Please take a moment to evaluate whether I’m logical and rational. I await your evaluation. Or your reassurance, which is what I really need.”
I could go on with the number of signals it sends out about you. None of which contributes to your presence or success, executive or any other kind.
Are any of these concepts you want to be communicating about yourself to other people?
My recommendation is to strike the question, “Does that make sense?” from your conversation completely. Make it a personal policy to never ask it again.
Here’s how to replace it with something much stronger, and probably more in alignment with what you’re really asking.
Replace it with, “What are your thoughts?” When you finish expressing your idea, simply ask the other person, “What are your thoughts about that?”
That’s much stronger. It’s much more of a question that someone with executive presence would ask.
You get what I’m saying here, yes? Does that make sense?
Ha ha! Just kidding!
Also, on a lighter note, I do believe there is an exception to this rule that I am suggesting. There is one person it is perfectly legitimate to ask, and that is your partner or your spouse or your best friend. I have found that spouses are very good at telling you whether or not you’re making sense. It’s a role they’re very well suited for. So, if I hear of a spouse saying,
“Honey, that doesn’t make any sense.” Well, sometimes you do need to hear it.
I hope that makes sense! Ha ha!
Be the cause!