Anita and Kevin made everyone in the meeting uncomfortable. Their disputes were legendary. As the heads of different departments, they stubbornly fought for what they believed were conflicting priorities. They argued even the smallest points. Neither one would give in an inch.
Attending a meeting with them was torture.
Anita’s boss finally told her it was affecting her career. Although she was a top performer, her confrontational approach was forever going to stop her from getting promoted to Senior Director and then VP, her passionate objective.
It didn’t matter how “right” Anita was, or the fact that she “won” every argument and was ultimately proven right, people flinched when she was in the room.
Anita couldn’t believe they wouldn’t promote her! “How can they justify holding me back when my performance is outstanding?!!!! I’m only doing what they told me to get done!!!!”
That’s how Anita found herself in front of me. A strong, smart woman in a super dilemma. What should she do when she was right, the other person was wrong and they wouldn’t back down?
Anita had this horrible feeling they wanted her to be “diplomatic,” which to her meant being unfaithful to her convictions and to her strong commitment to get done what needed to be done. She said, “If they want me to ‘compromise’, I won’t be as effective!”
Bearing this out was the fact that every performance review came back positive because there was no one better at getting results than Anita. She had a point.
How to stay true to herself, how to win, without debate, without argument, without destroying the other person? Impossible.
I looked at the woman across from me and immediately loved her. Her chin tilted up defiantly. Fierce look in her eyes. Defiance in every part of her. Daring me to try to help her.
I meet many people who are much weaker than Anita. People who are trying to please others, who have forgotten who they are, who are willing to sacrifice small bits of what they believe, small bit by small bit, until they turn into a politically correct and “acceptable” corporate pawn.
I found Anita’s defiant boldness and personal integrity magnificent. There was an elegance and majesty about her that was sacred and inviolable.
She was shocked. “You are the first person who likes me the way I am. Not even my husband does. He loves me, but even he has a hard time when I disagree with him.”
Anita was a good person who was simply missing the fundamentals of communication. She had no idea how to make communication work in tough situations. Her only solution to disagreement was to create a head on collision to destroy the other car. To get the other car off the road and permanently out of her way.
I worked with Anita for six months. There was no lessening of her fierce nature. Except that, as she learned about communication, Anita gradually became charming to others.
There were many things that Anita learned, each one of them produced miracles. Anita would show up for her Executive Coaching sessions eyes radiant with joy to tell me the latest.
Let me tell you how Anita created her first miracle.
Anita’s approach to every meeting with Kevin had been to start out by aggressively presenting her demands. They were logical all right, but difficult for Kevin to swallow, much less execute.
I told Anita to schedule a one-on-one with Kevin. The purpose of this meeting was going to be different.
Kevin was suspicious when she invited him to the meeting, but said, “Okay”.
I asked Anita what was something she and Kevin agreed on. It didn’t take her long at all to name one. I asked her for five more things that they agreed on. She came up with them very easily.
Anita’s instructions were to start by telling Kevin the purpose of the meeting was to develop a better, more harmonious relationship where they could better help each other achieve their individual goals. I knew this was a purpose they could both agree to.
Then to immediately follow that up with a thorough discussion about each of the other points they agreed on. And to discuss these very thoroughly and to see if she could build up even more agreement on those points.
I told her that for this meeting, that was the only agenda. To strictly stay on this agenda and no other. And to see what would happen naturally, organically as a result.
Anita came back stunned. When she and Kevin sat down and she told him the purpose of the meeting, Anita said she couldn’t believe the look on his face. He actually smiled at her, a little surprised, but a smile.
When she brought up the first point that she knew they agreed on, his shoulders went from rigid to a little relaxed. Soon he was nodding and contributed really good ideas to that discussion. Then she brought up the next point, the next, and the next.
She said by the end, they were laughing. She said “I felt like suddenly we were on the same side. I don’t know which one of us was more surprised, me or him!”
Anita asked for another one-on-one and this time Kevin was quick to agree.
Anita said in their next conversation she started with the points of agreement again, but lightly this time. Then the conversation naturally shifted into those areas where they disagreed, but this time it was completely different. It felt like, “We were on the same side”. They were listening to each other, this time it was friendly, the tone was pleasant, and somehow a solution neither one of them had thought about emerged from their discussion.
They actually created something new together. They were both quite thrilled by it.
Not a bad result for two hours.
She saw Kevin in another meeting that week, and he smiled at Anita when he saw her. She found herself smiling back.
She made a potentially controversial point in that meeting, and Kevin was suddenly advocating for her. They made the point together. They both were thrilled when the group supported it.
Their relationship has been good ever since. No one can figure out what happened, they just know that Anita did “something” and they’re quite amazed by the change in her.
When Anita showed up for her next Executive Coaching session, she said, “I have no idea what happened. All I know is that it is a miracle.”
It’s actually very simple. Starting out the conversation by talking about points of agreement changes the trajectory of the conversation. It gives you a foundation that you need for talking about more challenging subjects.
Talking about areas of conflict without a foundation easily becomes destructive. A death spiral, if you will.
This applies to personal life also. Sometimes we have conversations with family members that are difficult. You are lucky if this isn’t true of your family!
Many people switch the conversation to social chitchat. That’s okay, and it builds somewhat of a foundation.
But it’s MUCH more effective to find MEANINGFUL points of agreement.
Don’t be so busy disagreeing with the other person that you ignore those points where you really do agree. Talking about points of agreement will bring out the best in both of you.
If you want to learn how to face any communication situation with confidence, I recommend Causative Communications training for you. It’s intensive training for leaders who want to be causative and create their intended outcomes at will.
Be the cause!