Last week, during an in-person workshop, Benjamin said:
“Something deep inside me is relaxing.”
And with that, everything about Benjamin was different.
His face changed. His tone changed. His posture changed. Everything spoken and unspoken about Benjamin changed.
And that’s when Benjamin’s ability to create a real human connection surfaced. Along with that appeared his ability to create deeply satisfying communication with anyone.
The corporate world around him combined with happenings in his personal life had pressed Benjamin into an anxiety that never let go. An ever-present undercurrent of disquiet had spread to every muscle in his body and was most clearly seen in his tense face.
But now, Benjamin radiated not only a calm, but a beautiful state of natural cheerfulness that was delightful to everyone around him. He became one of the most popular people to work with in the class during the paired exercises.
Instead of the world around him making him anxious, it is Benjamin who is making the world around him cheerful, optimistic, and even laughing.
Many people go through life saying, “This situation makes me uncomfortable” or “Those people make me feel ______ (fill in the blank).”
That’s the opposite of being causative. Being causative means being able to CAUSE. That means being able to say, “I make the world around me feel good.”
It’s the ultimate in making a difference. As our great poet Maya Angelou said, “People will never forget how you made them feel.”
How you make others feel is one of the most remarkable and valuable elements of human communication. And it is the essence of human connection.
It starts with how we’re making ourselves feel.
So much of what we see in others that we don’t like is simply a reflection of, and caused by, the deep-seated anxiety they live with. Life has made them so anxious, they don’t know how to be good anymore. They forgot. They forgot who they are. They forgot how to appreciate others. They forgot how to appreciate themselves. They forgot how to appreciate you.
It’s not difficult to remind them. It’s not difficult to bring them to a state of calm and comfortable well-being. And it matters to them a whole lot.
I remember a senior executive I was coaching. I was doing an exercise with her called “Being There” that teaches you how to clear your mind and be in the moment. It’s extremely refreshing and relaxing.
It took her a while to get it. A long while. But suddenly, she got it and her entire face, her whole body, shoulders, everything, completely relaxed. She said to me, “That’s amazing! This feels amazing! What is this called?”
I said, “It’s called being comfortable.”
She was astounded. She was so used to being uncomfortable 24/7, she had completely forgotten what the word comfortable meant anymore.
She and Benjamin are not alone. Being comfortable is a foreign stranger to many who work in large corporations. These can be very tense places.
But, the least little bit of your being uncomfortable will be perceived immediately by the other person and will have an impact you don’t want. Conversely, being totally comfortable radiates something very powerful and wonderful about you.
That’s why I love group workshops. It’s beautiful to see an entire group master this and to experience the incredible energy it produces when a number of people are experiencing it together.
It doesn’t take a long time. It’s simply takes a decision that this is important and deciding you want to do it. And it takes a little bit of practice, maybe a little bit of coaching.
Being comfortable can be yours. It enables all your other fine qualities and abilities to flow.
Get that something deep inside you to relax. Don’t let the world around you “make you” feel any way you don’t want to feel. Decide what you want to cause and cause it.
Be the cause!