Did you ever notice that how people treat you is exactly how they treat themselves?
The person who is very critical of you is also constantly criticizing themselves.
I once wondered if you could teach them to be a friend to themselves, whether they would become a friend to you also.
I had someone in my life, let’s call her Isabella, who, in every conversation, always found numerous things to criticize about my work. Her tone was severe, her disapproval harsh.
From what I know about people, I knew that this is how Isabella privately treated herself. Finding fault everywhere she looked. Constantly self-critical and disappointed.
I could see Isabella did not admire anything about herself. This, of course, would prevent her from being able to admire anything about others.
One day recently, I asked her, “Do you have really high standards for yourself?”
Here’s how the conversation went:
Isabella: “Why, yes, I do. Very high. Why do you ask?”
Me: “Because in our conversations I always notice how every little detail matters and I notice the high standard to which you hold everything we discuss. I really admire your high standards. I really admire how you speak up about them. I really admire how you hold yourself and me to them. It’s very nice to work with someone who has such very high standards.”
Isabella looked stunned.
She said, “Thank you. No one’s ever told me that before.”
I said, “You’re welcome.”
Isabella looked like she was really going to think this over.
Our conversations after that were never the same.
The next time we spoke, Isabella found just as many things to comment on about my work as before. But the tone was new. Isabella went from giving me harsh jabs to warm-hearted suggestions. She went from critical to helpful. It was a complete transformation.
I could see Isabella was enjoying her high standards. It was a completely new look.
In that moment, when I found something to admire about her, Isabella found something to admire about herself. Her friendship with herself began.
That alone changed her relationship with the world. From enemy to friend.
Not just with me.
She told me later, “I don’t know what’s come over me. Lately I’ve been feeling grateful. I’m finding more and more things to be grateful for.”
Long pause. And then very gently and carefully, “One of the things I’m very grateful for is you.”
I know she’s never talked like that before. To anyone. I was filled with an inexpressible joy. What a gift she gave me.
The thing most people don’t realize is that the people who are criticizing them are also REALLY hard on themselves – they’ve never seen this about those people. They’re just REACTING to the criticism coming at them and not seeing how hard these people are on themselves.
It’s a big shift in viewpoint regarding the person criticizing you – one most people haven’t made.
It’s possible that we can all be better friends to ourselves.
That would only help us be better friends to the world.
Be the cause!