How to make the other person defensive

There are many ways to make the other person defensive, some more effective than others. I’m going to write about one that’s guaranteed to work every time.

Clearly I’m joking a little.  I know you want to learn how to get your point across without making the other person defensive and what to do about it if they are.

Most people don’t realize that when the other person is defensive, they actually caused it.  And they usually have no idea how they did that.  It’s a real blind spot.

Here’s one way it happens.

Acknowledgments are some of the most powerful skills I teach.  Even if you do acknowledge others, there are so many ways to mess this up that you need to know.

Acknowledgment happens at a precise point in time after the other person has told you something, anything.  They have completed that thought.  And now your acknowledgment lets them know you understand what they told you.  And, very importantly, that you can see it from their point of view.

That’s ALL it does.  If it does any more than that, it’s not an acknowledgement.

An acknowledgment does not contain any evaluation of what they said, nor any response to it.

In its purity an acknowledgement simply communicates, “I really got it.”

Acknowledgments have a profound impact on people. Having traveled the world as our programs were delivered in 30 countries, I can assure you this runs deep throughout all of humanity, all around the globe, with both men and women, with every age group, at home and at work and with the next door neighbor.  

You can observe people visibly brighten up when they are well acknowledged.  Often they look terribly relieved.

What a well delivered acknowledgment does it is it lets them know that their purpose for communicating (which is to be understood) has been accomplished.

Most people think the other person needs to be agreed with, but if you penetrate the surface you’ll see that what they really need is to be understood.  There is GREAT satisfaction in simply being understood.

Many people think the other person needs to be validated for what they said, that they need to be told they’re right (even if they’re wrong).  Again, I’ve acknowledged people who were asserting how right they were and they were quite satisfied with a well communicated acknowledgment letting them know I thoroughly understood them.  Without my ever having agreed that they were right.

So what does this have to do with making someone defensive?  People get defensive real FAST when you mess up the acknowledgment part of communication. 

Your thoughts are powerful.

Whatever you are thinking when you give an acknowledgment goes straight into your acknowledgment, and especially into your tone of voice, which really matters when you’re giving an acknowledgment.

Here’s how it happens:

You’ll hear people say the words, “I understand,” but at the same time they’re saying these words, they’re also thinking:

• I understand but I’m not interested.

• I understand. Now let me tell you what I think.

• I understand but I’m annoyed.

• I understand but please stop talking it.

• I understand. You’ve already told me that, you’re repeating yourself.

• I understand, but you’re totally wrong about that.

• I understand but I can’t believe you think that.

• I understand but let me correct you.

• I understand but that’s not important. Let me tell you what’s really important.

• I understand that you’re crazy (or an idiot).

The important thing is that you don’t even have to say these things. Just THINK one of them while you’re giving the acknowledgment and believe me it comes through loud and clear.  It overrides your acknowledgement.

Whatever understanding there is gets completely wiped out and all the other person hears is the part that comes after.

And so, they get defensive. Wouldn’t you?

Try a little experiment. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly significant or important or difficult conversation.

When you’re talking with someone, listen intently to what they say because this is important for your acknowledgment to work.  Obviously if you weren’t really listening, letting them know you fully understand is insincere.

So listen intently and when they’re finished, let them know you really understand.  As you’re doing that, just be thinking about really understanding them, don’t be thinking about anything else. Don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say, or your evaluation of what they said, or anything else.

Just be full of understanding. And hold that until you see they’re satisfied with your acknowledgement.

What you’ll observe is a look of satisfaction and a readiness, openness, to receiving whatever you want to say next.  If you don’t see that right away, just acknowledge them a little more until you do.

Remember, you’re not responding to what they said.  All you’re doing with your acknowledgment is letting them know you understand what they said.

It takes practice and even coaching to become really skilled at this and do it so it’s second nature.  But you’ll still have success even if it’s your first time trying it.

Acknowledgments are a vital part of causative communication and are very worth of mastery.

They’ll keep people from getting defensive and will relieve it when they do. They’re vital in every negotiation or conflict you find yourself in the middle of.  They allow a great conversation to happen.

This is so universal you can try it anywhere anytime and see results.

Have fun!  And let me know what happens.

Be the cause!

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The hardest thing to do is change mind sets

My clients want to learn how to do 1 thing really well:  make what they want HAPPEN. 

Some want to get through to a boss “who doesn’t get it”.  Some want to land a job that takes them to the next level of their career.  Some have aggressive sales goals.  Some want to influence peers who don’t listen.  Some want to build more effective teams.  Some want to inspire.

An example is Allen, a rising star who works in a very large organization.  His new assignment required him to change the way his part of the organization was operating.  Allen had great ideas, even a clear vision of what should happen. 

He summarized why he wanted my help in our first conversation.  He said,

“The HARDEST thing to do is change mind sets.  I’m in a fight every day because I’m doing something the organization’s never done before.  They’re not sold.  Every time I turn the corner I get resistance.  I’m far from winning the hearts and minds of the people I’m talking to.”

Allen’s boss described Allen to me as a “High potential individual who knows he’s right, but can’t get anyone to listen.” 

When I met Allen he was, predictably, frustrated, feeling defeated by his own organization.  He felt they were facing one of the greatest opportunities in the organization’s history but wasting time arguing senseless points.  The only input from senior leadership was, “Work it out.” 

I love working with people like Allen.  People who are high potential, who have great ideas, who are right in their visions … but they come to find out … being right is no guarantee of success. 

They have a lot of people to convince.  They would give anything to get their ideas adopted, get on with it and make change happen a lot faster.

Each situation seems unique, yet what each person is searching for is similar.  They want to know how to control the outcome without controlling the person. 

You don't want to control your boss, yet you want to control the outcome with your boss.  You don’t want to control the people in your life, yet you want to control the outcomes you have in those conversations. 

There's only 1 way to do that and that is to communicate so extremely WELL, to create such PROFOUND understanding, that the other person WANTS the same outcome you do. So much so that they AGREE, COMMIT, and ACT on it.

AGREEMENT is key to commanding the outcome.  The degree of agreement you get DETERMINES the outcome.  If you have 2% agreement, you’ll get 2% of the outcome you want.

It takes 100% agreement to get real COMMITMENT.  And then it takes 100% commitment to get ACTION.

Without agreement, it goes nowhere.

Now here's the kicker. You can't MAKE people agree with you.   I know we’ve all tried a thousand times.  But, like me, you probably found out the hard way that it can’t be done.

Whether or not they agree with you is ENTIRELY up to them.   It's a decision THEY make.  You can't control it and you shouldn't even try.  You'll just frustrate yourself and them.

It's also a sign of respect to let the other person make up their own mind about it.  None of us likes the salesman who hovers over us while we’re trying to decide, or the one pushing us to buy.

Even if you're in a position of command, you can't force them to agree.

You can order them to do something, but if they don't agree, it won't be done well.  And if you try to force it, your relationship will deteriorate.  And they’ll stop doing it the second you stop looking.

I can’t tell you the number of senior executives I’ve coached because commanding people just wasn’t working for them.  Being at the top of the organization is no guarantee others are following you.

So getting agreement is critical.  That’s where communication comes into play.

In those situations where you’re not getting the agreements you need, you may be talking, but you’re not COMMUNICATING, you're either not getting through or you’re debating.

Debating usually just leads to more debating. 

What is the BIGGEST influence on whether or not the other person agrees with you?

HOW you communicate.

The key is to communicate so well, that you remove ALL barriers to agreement and the other person comes to your point of view ON THEIR OWN.

This takes SKILL.  Skill is defined as “a great ability to do something well or with excellence”.

When you do it well, it reduces the amount of time it takes for agreement to happen.  If you use solid communication skills you can achieve agreement in 1 conversation not 10.

So it really comes down to your command of the communication process. When you command THAT, you command agreement, not by forcing the other person, but by communicating SO WELL they can't help but agree with you. 

Allen mastered the communication skills he needed to rise to the challenge facing him.  I tracked Allen’s journey through follow-up calls.  The positive results he created were immediate and then snowballed.  On each phone call he was at a new high of exhilaration.

On one he said,

“It’s amazing how everyone’s responding to me now.  I’ve never gotten such a positive response.  I’m presenting the same ideas, but the conversation is going COMPLETELY differently. They are all agreeing with me.  And when people are talking with me, I can SEE it in their eyes - they find extraordinary communication amazing.  It IS amazing!”

Agreement is only created by outstanding communication.  This kind of communication feels like a real DIALOGUE.   A dialogue is defined as “an interchange and discussion of ideas, especially when open and honest, seeking mutual understanding or harmony, done with the spirit of goodwill.”

When you create rich dialogues, agreements can’t help but happen.

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