How to give up “persuasion” for something much better

Today I want to take you on a tour of what I get to experience on a regular basis in the Causative Communication Universe. We’ll start our tour on the first day of a workshop and then jump into the future and show you what happens in the weeks after.

Here we go:

First Day of Causative Communications Workshop:

Tim: “I don’t see how that will work. This person is really stubborn.”

Me: “I can see that.”

Tim: “The outcome he wants and the outcome I want are diametrically opposed.”

Me: “That’s a real challenge.”

Tim: “What you’re teaching me is the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing.”

Me: “Wow!”

Tim: “I’m afraid of appearing weak and then he’ll run right over me.”

Me: “You definitely don’t what that!”

Tim: “Well, this is definitely different from what I’ve been doing.”

Me: “I can really understand that.”

Tim: “Well okay … I’ll try it.”

Me: “Brave man.  Let me know what happens.”

Three Weeks Later:

 Tim: “You’re not going to believe this.  It feels weird to have everything suddenly going well. 

“We negotiated that deal, got a better deal than we were expecting or hoping for. After 2 years of trying I also got my boss to agree to expand our charter and give me more headcount. I also now have a good relationship with someone I’ve had a bad history with for years, turned around in one conversation. My wife is happier and my son is doing his homework. I feel like I have a super power. Why doesn’t everyone know about this?”

What’s he talking about?

He’s talking about a change in strategy that initially seems subtle, but one that creates more power than most people have had in their lives.

To understand it you have to understand humanity.  Let’s look at how human beings work.

First, answer two important questions for yourself:

Do you like to have someone try to convince you?

Or do you like to think for yourself? 

Many very good people sign up for our workshops with the goal or purpose of “To persuade others”. They have a, “This is what I want you to think” and, “This is what I want to get you to do” agenda.

The problem with that is that it’s not how human beings operate, at least not when they’re functioning well.

One of the most beautiful aspects of humanity is our ability to think and decide for ourselves.  It’s one thing we have that is sacred.

The better you understand that, the more successful you will be. 

When you try to “persuade” someone, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that this person’s ability to think for themselves needs to be front and center.

But, my workshop participants say,

“I don’t like the way they’re thinking!”

 “What if they don’t think the way I need them to think?

“What if they don’t think correctly?

“What if they’re bad at thinking?

“What if they reach the wrong conclusions or bad conclusions?

“I can’t let that happen!”

It’s better NOT to focus on what people think, but how they think and how they come to conclusions. 

You can use yourself as an example. Look at how you come to conclusions. You see certain things, you read certain things, you hear certain things, you experience certain things. You put these all together and come to a conclusion.  Your own conclusion.

If I don’t see what you see, if I don’t hear what you hear, if I don’t experience what you experience, if my experience is completely different … Do you see how natural it would be for me to conclude something completely different?  It makes perfect sense. 

You’ll never talk me into your conclusion because it doesn’t match what I’ve seen, what I’ve heard, what I’ve experienced.

The key is to get me to look.

You can tell people where to look, but you can’t tell them what to see.

The real SKILL is…

  • knowing how to get them INTERESTED in looking…

  • knowing where they should look…

  • knowing HOW to tell them where to look…

  • telling them in a way that they actually WANT to look…

  • knowing how to KEEP them looking until they do see the FULL picture…

In other words, knowing how to get them to SEE.  Not to “believe”, but to SEE.

And to trust, honor and respect their ability to think for themselves with what they see.

People easily change their minds when they actually SEE or EXPERIENCE something that shows them a different view of life.  But they have to see it.

“Persuasion” is all about getting someone to “believe”.  People don’t like someone trying to change their beliefs, to make them “believe”.

What I’m talking about is getting them to see.  Totally different.

Forcing opinions and conclusions on others never works. Outstanding communication and a skillful getting people to look always does.

It’s the difference in strategy between chasing “persuasion” and creating understanding.

Understanding is the real super power.

Be the cause!