“People don’t listen to me because of the color of my skin. They don’t respect me. I disappear when I’m in a room.”
There was a hush after Anthony, an intense, young African-American, said those words.
We were in a virtual Causative Communications Workshop and Anthony was in Janet’s, our Lead Trainer’s, Coaching Breakout Session. He was talking about his goals for the workshop.
Janet acknowledged him and let him know she really understood.
It feels terrible to feel that people aren’t listening to you. To not be able to make your voice heard. Your thoughts real.
Janet assessed Anthony’s current level of communication ability while he was speaking.
Here’s what she saw:
His attention was mainly on himself. He was overly self-conscious. Not tuned in to others.
He was wary of people, expecting the worst. The look in his eyes communicated distrust. He didn’t have any warmth for others.
He was sorely lacking in the ability to communicate his ideas with strong intention. This was his biggest weakness. He was sort of throwing out words, hoping they would land, but knowing they wouldn’t. A sort of resigned hopelessness about being heard. Tinged with resentment.
He didn’t really listen to others. He just watched to see if they listened to him and resented them when they didn’t. So he didn’t really hear what they were saying.
He certainly didn’t make anyone else feel understood.
Anthony absolutely could have given you good explanations, reasons, and justifications for doing all of the above.
But the point is, that individually each one of the points above is enough to kill good communication. In combination, they create something no conversation can survive.
Yet, Anthony was sincere about his goal to learn how to communicate effectively. He was tired of failure.
Throughout the workshop he learned the elements of Causative Communication. He worked hard as Janet coached him. He put in extra time, stayed late, came early. He gradually became part of the group, all unique individuals, all learning how to develop their abilities together.
They all helped each other. Every single one of them made dramatic changes that made a huge difference. They encouraged each other and celebrated each breakthrough.
Halfway through the workshop, Anthony suddenly slapped the desk in front of him hard and loud and said, “May I just say something?” Janet said, “Please do!”
In a very powerful voice, Anthony said, “I just realized I have been doing everything backwards. No wonder I haven’t been heard! I now know not only how to be heard, but how to build beautiful relationships.”
Anthony’s face was radiant, his totally unique personality and happiness shining through his eyes. He had lost his self-consciousness. He was able to look you in the eye (even virtually) and make you feel like you were the only person in the world. Even better, the warmth and affinity in his eyes spoke to you and said. “You really matter, I care about you.” It makes your heart melt.
That affinity is fused with an ability to get his powerful ideas across. Anthony intends to be understood and nothing stops that now. He can make his voice heard anywhere, in any group, large or small, high or low. He knows it and he’s very happy about it.
He really listens to others. He really understands them. He makes them feel completely understood.
Anthony now creates collaborative dialogues that create beautiful outcomes and exceptional relationships. He knows it’s up to him and he’s making it happen.
The color of his skin did not change. It’s as beautiful as ever.
I think at this point there’s no color skin we haven’t seen in our classes, whether in person or virtual. We’ve delivered our programs in 50 countries. To young, old, men, women, early in career, hard-core senior executives, you name it. ALL voices need to be heard.
They each have their reasons why people are not hearing them.
It doesn’t matter who you are, you can’t fix the problem when you’re looking at it from the viewpoint of: The trouble with me is you.
We look at it differently. We have a formula for communication that always works. We assess the person against the formula and find what’s missing. And then we help them develop those skills that will make them truly successful.
The first realization they usually have is: I can be causative. I can make it happen.
When you have the ability to communicate, there are no barriers, there are no walls.
You can trail blaze the path to your success.
It’s a new world for Anthony. I can’t wait to hear about what he builds there. He’s a rising star and now he can shoot straight up to the sky.
His last words to me were, “I just want to know why we weren’t taught this when we were young.”
It’s a brand new world.
Be the cause!