Abrahim was overcome with emotion. He had just made a huge breakthrough in his ability to present virtually. The others in the workshop showered him with praise.  One particular phrase was repeated over and over, “That was so authentic!”

Abrahim turned to me in complete confusion.  I had not coached him at all on being authentic.  We hadn’t even mentioned it. Even more puzzling, Abrahim never thought he WASN’T authentic. He was ALWAYS sincere. And yet everyone was now telling him he was now authentic, as if it had just suddenly happened.

Abrahim is not alone. Our graduates frequently hear from their audiences, “That was so authentic!” And, of course, audiences LOVE that and love you for it when they feel that way.

The funny thing is that I never coach for being authentic.  I think most people already ARE. They’ve ALWAYS been authentic.

So, why do audiences suddenly SEE it? Why do so many of our graduates hear it? What’s really happening?

Previously, while Abrahim was giving presentations, his attention was distracted by many things: his material, feeling like he was performing, stressed that he was being judged, apprehensive about the outcome, worried about how he was coming across, worrying because he couldn’t see their faces to gauge their reactions, thinking about what he was going to say next, trying not to forget what he was going to say, going fast to get it all in and keeping an eye on the clock.

You can understand why Abrahim was tense. Tense comes from the Latin word tendo, meaning stretched.  Abrahim was definitely stretched.

I’ve worked with professionals and executives of large corporations for over 30 years. They are used to feeling tense.  It’s become normal. Feeling completely comfortable is not normal. Being relaxed is not.

That’s how being slightly tense, or even very tense, becomes habitual. And they’re surrounded  by others who are also slightly or very tense. So they’re swimming in a sea of uninspected “normal”.

Often when I tell someone to relax, they look at me puzzled and say, “I AM relaxed!”  They never noticed they’re not. I say, “Relax your shoulders.” They say, “Oh! I didn’t realize they weren’t relaxed.” And then they relax their shoulders. I say, “Relax your face.” They say, “Oh! You’re right! I didn’t realize …” And so they get comfortable. It’s a good feeling. They haven’t felt it at work for a long time.

They don’t notice how cold they’ve become. They are completely shocked when they see their own videos.  They don’t realize that this constant worry depletes their natural affinity for others.

My coaching helped Abrahim become completely COMFORTABLE.  At ease.  Unworried.

This set the foundation for his next step, allowing himself to LIKE the people in his audience.  And to feel it as he spoke. This is called “affinity”.

You don’t tell your audience that you like them or that you have affinity for them. That’s not the point. You have to FEEL it.

A funny thing happens when you’re completely comfortable and filled with affinity. A happiness inside you grows.

Another funny thing happens when you feel real affinity for others. The affinity and happiness inside you grows bigger, spills over into your conversations and connections with others and ignites affinity in the people you’re talking to.

Then it snowballs.

Suddenly, EVERYONE is relaxed, comfortable, happy and filled with a strong liking for you and for each other, filled with a really good feeling they may not even know how to describe.

You don’t ever need to talk about it. Just do it.

It’s a feeling.  It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not your words. It’s not what you say. It’s a feeling.

It supersedes logic. It actually commands logic. You have to experience that for yourself to believe it. You’re reaching people at a new level of understanding.

You have a tremendous potential and capacity for affinity.  When you tap into it, magic happens.

And, if you’re in one of my workshops, suddenly everyone is telling you, “You are so authentic.”

This triggers a series of profound questions.

Authentic means genuine.  It comes from a Greek word meaning straight from the author. In other words, direct from you.

The opposite of authentic is contrived, which means invented, the idea being that when you’re not authentic, you’re inventing yourself in a way to please others, and that makes you not genuine.

When you start thinking you have to please others or come across a certain way, you start performing, not communicating. That will make you tense.

It’s possible you receive a tremendous amount of personal “feedback” on what you need to do to please others.

If you listen and follow all this “advice”, what happens to the real you?

And why is it that, when I coach people and they achieve a state of being completely comfortable and they’re filled with genuine affinity for the people they’re talking to, that the world tells them, they are being truly authentic?

Most importantly, after hearing so many of my students be told they’re authentic, I have this question for you:  Is being comfortable and being filled with affinity for others possibly the REAL you?

If it is, what would happen if you revitalized this aspect of the real you fully in all your relationships?  In your virtual meetings and presentations?  In your personal life? What would happen if this was how you lived your life?

Be the cause!