The only reason to listen to someone

I was staggered by the intensity and number of fiery responses that last week’s article provoked.  The article was about “using” listening as a “technique to get the outcome you want”.

The question I asked was, is it possible that when this is done, the relationship is damaged in some subtle but essential way?

I experienced two striking observations as I read all the responses.

The first is that absolutely no one likes to have this (the other person “using” listening to get to what they want) done to them.  No surprise if you think about it.

The second observation was this. The most impassioned responses were from people who are negotiating high-stakes outcomes. The ones who stand an extreme chance of winning or losing, whether in their professional or personal lives.

They recognized themselves in my article. They wrote that the article hit them in the head like a ton of bricks.

I admire these people. They’re focused. 

They hit on something fundamental, the reason many people stop listening. And that is this:   People stop listening because it feels like listening is moving you further and further away from the outcome you want.

Quite understandable.

And in these important situations, all you have to do is add the element of compressed time, and you drive quality listening out the door faster than you can chase out the speed of light.

The recipe for a listening disaster is when you have an outcome you MUST have, the other person disagrees, they’re not listening to you, they’re talking a lot about things you don’t want to hear … and you don’t have time. 

Now listen.

Few people can.

And why would you listen in that situation? It looks POINTLESS. 

You can easily see why people turn listening into a technique.  NOT listening doesn’t work (we find that out the hard way) and we feel we desperately need a technique in that moment to help us out.

I don’t use the word desperately lightly. What happens is people start feeling like they’re losing control. This makes them desperate.  And when they’re feeling like they’re losing control, they struggle to regain it with techniques and unusual solutions. Too many to list.

Here’s how it goes down.  As you listen it feels like the other person is controlling the conversation.  You’re losing more and more control. It feels horrible. You don’t want to let them control the conversation anymore.  It looks like suicide to listen because they’re driving toward a different outcome. You don’t want them to have any control at all. You get desperate to control it.

A person thinks, I need a technique that’ll get me back in control and get them to listen to me so I can get the outcome I want.

And then it’s a short step to, I’ll pretend to listen to them.

I understand how that feels. We all do.

The thing is, I deal in transformation, REAL transformation. And there’s a world of difference between techniques and natural laws.

I’ll write more about natural laws one day. They help you understand human beings, all human beings.  And they always work.  They’re much more grounded than techniques.  They’re filled with truth.

Today, we’ll touch on just one of these natural laws. Let’s examine the reason for high quality listening. The REAL reason, the only workable reason for humanity.

What does high quality listening mean?  ALL thinking gets in the way of listening. When you’re listening, really listening, you’re not thinking about your outcome. You’re not thinking about anything.

During REAL listening, you’re focusing 100% on totally understanding the other person. In three dimensions, seeing the world through THEIR eyes, their perceptions and their emotions, understanding them as richly and as fully as you can. It’s a FULL-TIME job for you to LISTEN while they’re speaking. There’s no room for thinking.  No room for anticipating.  It’s very in the moment.

The way it works, the way it’s SUPPOSED to work, is that during this time, the other person is 100% in control of the ideas on the table. You are simply receiving and understanding them as deeply as you can. That’s listening.  You’re letting them control it.  While they are speaking, you’re giving them full control. They control time.

The SKILL of listening is knowing this and granting them control while they’re talking.  You’ll get your turn.  But it’s their turn now.  If you’re never willing to give them 100% of this control, you’ll never really listen, you’ll never really hear.

I know, I know.  Give up ANY control?  That’s HARD!

So, why do it?

People who wrote me do it because:

• Then they’ll listen to you.

• It’s the only road to creating the outcome you want.

• It’s the only chance you have.

All of those may be true. But having these as your reasons perverts real listening.

There’s only one reason to listen to someone.

Listen because listening is sacred.

I don’t mean that in a religious sense.

Listening is a ritual that’s older than any civilization we have.  A ritual is a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.

Sacred means never to be broken, infringed, or dishonored.

Listening is a sacred ritual between human beings.  Recognized as such by every culture, all the way from primitive to civilized. 

Listening is sacred to humanity. 

No other reason. 

All cultures recognize this.  All humanity.

And when listening is held sacred by you, not because I say so, but because it’s a natural law of humanity, when listening is sacred to you, an amazing magic happens.  To you.  To them.  And I’m not talking about your “outcome”.  I’m talking about a magic between you and that other person that words could never express, a magic in that moment that transcends the “normal” human experience.  Communication starts to really work and real communication is magic.

Yes, it’s true. When the other person sees that you are treating their communications as sacred, they start treating yours as sacred also. Yes, that happens.  And it’s true you get a much better outcome.  Yes, it even opens the path to an outcome that turns out to be magical.

But don’t do it for that reason.  Those reasons change you in ways that aren’t really you.

Just do it because listening is sacred. That was decided long, long ago.

One amazing woman wrote me this after doing this with her daughter.  She wrote: 

“After listening to her, I found it impossibly easy to acknowledge her communication. I think my magical ingredient was 'interest'. I was genuinely interested in what she was saying. I also found it very easy to understand what she was saying. This occurred several times during our call. Each time I acknowledged her, she relaxed. I could feel it. I was happy that she felt understood. That was all that mattered. It was bliss.  Overcoming that reactive inclination to defend was bliss.”

Here’s an experiment for this week: 

Choose one of your conversations. When the other person is talking, forget about time.  Stop thinking.  Listen.  Listen with 100% of you.  For no other reason except to really hear them.

Let me know what happens.  I love getting your emails.

Next week I’ll write about what happens next.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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How did this dark imposter get here?

I received such powerful responses to last week’s article, it became clear to me it’s time to take the next step on our journey into listening.

People wrote me they had tears streaming down their face. One person wrote that they made a decision “beginning right now and in this moment, to begin really listening again.” And what was most powerful, she wrote, “I think that will help me to feel more alive again.”  Wow.  I’m sure it will.  In very profound ways.  I look forward to hearing.

I had many people write.  I read them all.  So beautiful.  Voices raised in humanity.

There was one thing, however, that stopped me in my tracks, and this is what I want to take up this week, something that many, many people wrote.

Many good people. Very good people.

Good people who don’t realize they have been led into a trap of false ideas camouflaged as instructive.

Many people wrote something along the lines of, “Listening is the best way to achieve your outcome.  It’s a great formula for getting the other person to change their mind.  It really works.”

This is a problem that we are going to solve. But first, can you see what’s wrong with that statement above?

On the surface it sounds effective.  Practical.  Something you could “use”. Right? 

But let’s dig deeper. Let’s examine the core of it.

Imagine this: 

Think of something that’s really important to you right now, really important.  Something you really want. Now imagine that I want something very different from what you want.  Imagine you need me to say, “Yes.”  You really need me to understand and say, “Yes”.  Really get that feeling for a moment.  We’ve all felt this.

Now imagine you’re earnestly and sincerely telling me about it and I’m listening to you. Imagine that I look really interested.

Now Imagine that you suddenly realize the reason I’m listening to you is BECAUSE I want you to think I understand so that I can then get you to listen to me and change your mind.  I’m listening to you only so I can get you to change your mind to the outcome I want.  I don’t really want to listen to you but I am making myself listen to you because I don’t see any other way to get you to the outcome I want.  That’s why I am listening to you.  That’s why I look interested. I’m using listening to get to you.

Can you see what’s wrong with that? Have you ever experienced it?  How did you feel?  Can you imagine how this type of listening might damage the relationship in some very subtle but ultimately essential ways?

Where did we ever learn to listen this way?  Where did we ever learn the lesson that listening is something you use?

Tell me what you think. And next week, I’ll write about how to free yourself from the trap.

The Art of Listening can be given a “dark” side. And if you want to enjoy the fullest effects of Causative Communication done right, it’s important you never go there.

More next week!

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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My 24-word recipe for creating the magical outcome with Tom

Last week, I posed a question about an outcome I created with an executive, Tom. He was a gruff character who was sabotaging a project that needed to move forward.   If you like happy endings, this one’s for you.

The outcome we achieved looked like pure magic.  I received many answers to my question asking for your theories on “how I did it” – it was a joy to read them all. 

(If you missed last week’s article, you can read it here for context.)

The answer to what I did is listen.  That’s how I did it.  But I did it a little differently than you would think.

Many people wrote the answer is also “acknowledging”.  True that, but if you don’t listen well, the acknowledgement is hollow and ineffective.  The acknowledgement gets all its power from the listening.

This is one of the most misunderstood words in any language.

To most people, listening means, “Stop talking and wait for you to finish.”  I know this is true because while “listening” they have the same look on their faces that waiting produces in people standing in a long supermarket line.  It’s a mildly annoyed, “I hate waiting but there’s no way around it” look.

The problem is that no one likes you to look at them like that. 

The problem is that listening has nothing (and I truly mean nothing) to do with waiting.

To other people, listening means, “I’m not so interested but I’ll pretend.”

The problem is that pretended interest, pretended listening, pretended anything … well, it’s no foundation for a good conversation, a good relationship, nor good outcomes. 

Even worse, the other person always knows you’re doing it.

To other people, listening means, “Okay, I am forced to let you talk, and forced to understand you because it’s the only way I’m going to get to my outcome, so I’m going to listen for anything you say that I could possibly use to help me achieve the result I want.”

The problem is that the other person knows you’re doing that too.

The problem is that people fixate on the outcome they want at that moment. 

One person wrote, “I have to stay focused on the outcome I want while I listen.  If I take my focus off the outcome I want, I won’t get it.”

If you have children you’ve seen something like this: 

That moment when you’re explaining to your 10-year old why they can’t ____________ (have ice cream, get that new gadget, play with a friend, fill in the blank).  And they really, really want it.  That moment you’re telling them and they are focused on the outcome they want.  How well are they listening?  How much are they hearing?  WHAT are they hearing?

If you have children, you’ve experienced this moment and know what I’m talking about.  You might be laughing reading this because you’ve seen it more than once. 

If you don’t have children, you’ve experienced this moment in some other setting where the other person isn’t getting the “outcome” they want.

How can you listen when your attention is fixated on the outcome you want?  The answer is:  you can’t.

Your attention must be free enough that you can fully give all of it to the other person and be feeling genuine interest in what they’re saying.

One person wrote me this week, “Most people don’t have your patience.” 

Let me explain patience.  If you look this word up in a good dictionary it means: to suffer pain, delay, trouble, difficulty or being provoked without complaining or displaying discontent or displeasure.

The word patience originally meant to endure.

Listening has nothing to do with suffering or enduring.  Or suppressing your displeasure.

Yet many people do feel they are suffering when they have to listen to things they disagree with.  (Aren’t you glad I’m not bringing up politics in this discussion? Such a great example. :) )

Real listening has nothing to do with your outcome, or even your point of view.  You have to set that aside during this phase of the communication process.

Real listening has no agenda. 

Real listening has a very pure intent:  to understand.

It’s amazing the magic created by the purity of this intent.

I’m talking about listening for the sake of understanding.  Interest for the sake of knowing.  I’m talking about understanding what this other living being is trying to communicate.  I’m talking about something pure.

So let’s go back to my story from last week:

Here’s what I did.  I decided to be there for Tom.  At that moment I didn’t care what happened, I put my own outcome completely aside. 

We walked into the room and I made sure we both were comfortable.  I asked, “Tell me your thoughts about this project.  Is it creating a real hassle for you?”

I gave him 100% of myself. 

My intent was effortless and pure.  I simply felt this: “I have no agenda.  I am here for you.  Like no one has ever been here for you in your life.  Take all the time you need.  I want to hear everything.” 

Tom studied my face.  I could see him searching for my motive.  I stayed peacefully quiet.  Ready to receive. 

To me listening is sacred.  It just is.  I think he could see that, could feel it, because it was true.

He started to talk.  A trickle turned into a flood.  All of his frustrations poured out.  I was simply there to receive it all and to understand this human being.

I could see the moments in his eyes and face when he gradually went from thinking I was dangerous to realizing I was safe.  The safer he felt to say anything to me, the more he said.

He went deeper and deeper, under the layers, told me more and more.

When he finished, I gently asked, “Is there anything else I should know?” There were about 3 times I asked that.  There was more each time.

When he was ALL finished he was completely relaxed, looking at me with affinity, he looked amazing.  He really had told me everything.  He looked peaceful.

That’s when I said, “I really understand.”  And he knew it was true. 

We were both quiet.

I let this beautiful silence sit between us, both of us enjoying the moment.  It went on, deepening with each moment of silence.

I let him control it.

His face was gentle.  His eyes warm.  We had a bond.

It was enough for me.  I’ve created many “outcomes” in my life.  I’m good at creating outcomes.  What I care about now in my life is this magic.  It’s enough for me.  I don’t care where it goes.  I trust it.  It always goes someplace good. 

So there we sat in silence.  Looking at each other.  Looking away.  Looking back.  A gentle space.  Highly unusual moment for a corporate setting.

After a couple minutes I could see Tom was starting to think about something.  He was looking out the window.  Thoughts were forming.  He got this look on his face that people get when they’re getting an idea.

Then Tom said, “I think your project could do some good if it was organized right ….” It’s like he suddenly “heard” what everyone had been trying to tell him for weeks for the first time. 

And he started to create the project on his own. 

He stood up.  I sat back, relaxed and watched him white-board a plan for the project.  A brilliant plan.  I answered a few questions, but he did it all.

Later, everyone complimented me on being “persuasive.”  They wanted to know, “What did you say to turn Tom around?”

We were in there for 2 hours.  The only words (about 24 of them) I said over the whole time we were in there were:

“Tell me your thoughts about this project.  Is it creating a real hassle for you?”

“Is there anything else I should know?”

“I understand.”

It wasn’t what I said. 

It was how I was being:  Interested. 

It’s what I was doing:  Receiving. 

It’s what he was feeling:  Understood.

It was being able to do that in its absolute purity.

It looked like magic.

One of my clients wrote, “Sounds so simple.  But it really is an art.”

It looks like an art. And you look like an artist when you do it. What it actually is, is a decision.  It demonstrates the pure power of decision.  Your decision.

It’s also an ability.  I worked hard to develop this ability.  And I love to teach it to others.

Who needs outcomes when you have magic?

Next week, I’ll wrap up this little series of articles with more about the magic of acknowledgements.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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"The Showdown" aka how to deal with a project saboteur

I was brought in to a large manufacturing organization to implement a major performance improvement program (100% Proficiency®, click here for more information).  Mike, the senior executive who brought me in, assigned a team to work with me on implementation and he put Tom, a strong-willed engineering manager, in charge of the team.

Tom did everything he could to delay and sabotage the program.  

On the surface, Tom was polite to me. But I could feel his dislike…for me and the project.  He avoided eye contact.  He answered questions with cruelly short answers.  He did nothing without being prodded.  He assigned team members other responsibilities so they didn’t have time to work on this one.  He blew past every deadline and didn’t seem to care.  He answered everything with, “We’re working on it.  Doing the best we can.”

Everyone on the team knew what was going on, but they were intimidated by Tom and stayed quiet, waiting to see how it played out.

I went back to Mike and said, “We need to replace Tom with someone who really wants to do this. The program will fail with him in charge.”

George said, “I don’t have anyone else.  It’s Tom or no one.”

I found Tom and asked if he had a moment to talk. He wasn’t happy about it, but said, “Okay.” We walked into a conference room and closed the door.

Everyone watched us go in.  I found out later they called it, “The Showdown.”  Their money was on Tom.

Two hours later the door opened and Tom went straight to Mike’s office.  Mike expected the worst when Tom burst in, but Tom was smiling and enthusiastic. Energized. He told Mike all the great benefits they’d see from the program and showed him the implementation strategy he’d worked out during our meeting, a rather brilliant plan only he could have devised for how to use their small pool of resources to make this major project work with their current unforgiving production demands.

Then Tom assembled the team, briefed them on the plan and white-board organized them to achieve a very aggressive timeline for implementation.  He told them their success metrics, told them to get it done and that he was there if they ran into problems.  Everyone was surprised but smiling.

Mike heard about the extraordinary team meeting, called me into his office and told me that I had “very powerful persuasion skills.” Mike said, “Whatever you told him, it really worked.”

The team pulled me aside and wanted to know what I said to create this turn-around. They thought I’d spoken some “magic words” that cast a spell over Tom.

I want you to stop and think about this.

Most of the world thinks it’s what I said.

It wasn’t.

Can you see that if I said anything, Tom wasn’t having any of it?

I’m sure you can imagine Tom as you’re reading this.  Are you imagining someone who’s interested in anything I have to say?  No. No. No.

Most people, when faced with a situation like this, think they have to come up with “magic words”.

My clients have recently asked me for things like “stealth persuasion” and “techniques for releasing hormones in the other person’s brain” that will make them “accept” their ideas. I kid you not - I’ve had requests for both of these in the last two weeks.

So what went on in that room for two hours?

That’s a real question.  What creates this kind of immediate turn-around?  Email me your answer.  Take this as an opportunity to exercise your mind.

Next week I will tell you what I did. 

No doubt about it.  What I did was absolute magic.

Tell me what you think I did that created this magic.

And then I’ll show you how you can do it for yourself.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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The secret to melting resistance...

Gisele and Martin did not have a great working relationship.  But then again, Martin did not have a great working relationship with anyone.  He was considered “difficult.”

Gisele was hitting it out of the park with her presentations.  Everyone else was sold on her latest innovative idea for creating a much-needed breakthrough for her global organization.

That is, everyone except Martin.

Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him.  He’s really stubborn.  Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”

Why do people do that?

One reason only. They feel you’re not getting it.  So they get stuck sending the same thing over and over. 

This is how you open the door.

First I coached Gisele to really listen.  This was very difficult for her.  Listening to Martin’s negativity was frustrating and she would lose her patience. She was so lost in her frustration, she literally wasn’t hearing what he was saying.

This took about 15 minutes of coaching until she could fully be there for him.  At that point she was able to stop thinking and simply be very “tuned in” to Martin as he talked.  That alone is half-way there to disarming resistance. 

People change when they feel you tune in.  They know.  It’s magical.

Then I spent 15 minutes coaching Gisele on how to understand and acknowledge Martin, making sure that she was creating an experience for Martin where Martin felt very understood.

This is a real ability, to acknowledge well.

The right acknowledgement creates a transformation in the other person.  You can see it.  Something deep inside of them relaxes.  Their face changes.  Their body language changes.  Their tone of voice changes.  Their affinity for you skyrockets.

The conversation pivots on that exact point, at that exact moment.

You have a completely different conversation.  A completely different relationship.  A completely different outcome.

Well delivered acknowledgements are one of the most powerful forces for uplifting the conversation, any conversation, uplifting the relationship and raising affinity.  Way more powerful than most people realize.

People make the mistake of thinking people need to be “validated” or agreed with.  In truth what rages inside them is a craving to be understood. 

You’ll be absolutely amazed how open others will be to your ideas (even if they were totally disagreeing with them just seconds before) once you successfully complete this step in the communication process.

I coached Gisele until she could give a very sincere and powerful acknowledgment that would melt a glacier.  I knew Martin would respond.  I knew Martin would only then be open to her ideas.  I knew he would be open.

Gisele had a team meeting that Martin would be attending following our coaching session.  I got her email immediately after the meeting:

“Acknowledgement was ‘golden’ and it worked.  I gave Martin ‘true and real’ acknowledgements and after only two times only, it worked and for the first time he could hear what I was saying and was supporting my proposal. :)”

It turns out, Martin is a good person.  With a craving to be understood.  Really, just like the rest of us.

Once you understand how acknowledgements work, and WHY they work, your conversations, relationships and the outcomes you can create change forever. 

Next week I’ll talk about the key ingredients to a successful acknowledgement.  In the meantime, use what you already know and get started.  You’ll see results right away.

Be the cause!

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The only script you’ll ever need

I’ve been asked to coach the CEO of a major global corporation. I haven’t met him yet, I’m preparing.  Google his name and hundreds of videos appear.  I’m watching portions of many of them to assess where I can help him.

He has no problems with stage fright. He steps forth boldly, seemingly self-assured.  Almost a little cocky.

His slides are impeccable. They meet all world-class standards.  Not too much, not too little, fabulous graphics.  He works well with his slides, doesn’t look at them at all.

His content is honed, his key messages expertly crafted. No doubt innumerable people and hours invested sharpening them, putting them into just the right sequence.  Succinct, logical and even interesting.

He delivers the message with great conviction. Strong voice.

His pauses are deliberate.  Well-timed humor.  Rehearsed.

I’m watching theater, not communication.

He’s working very hard to impress.

The problem is, I can see the script.

The problem is, he IS the script.

The problem is, there’s no personal connection with him.  No soul.

He creates an audience of spectators.  Spectators never are part of the action, they’re disengaged, detached, distanced, sitting back and observing.  Not drawn in.  They’ll never give away their hearts or their trust to you.

He’s “on stage,” too aware of playing to an audience.  He’s talking to “everyone.”  You don’t get the feeling he’s talking to you.

He’s not interested in his audience (you).  He treats his audience with the covert message:  Your only purpose for being here is for me to get you to think what I want you to think.

It’s a very well-crafted performance of, “I’m doing this so you think that.”

Somewhere along the line he lost himself.   He is gone. 

He’s crafted the persona he’s been told Wall Street, and a faceless group of investors, demands. I’m seeing the complete absence of him as a person, but now only the superficial performance of a well-scripted theatrical role: “the successful CEO you should invest in.”

This is a man who has been given so much “feedback”, it overwhelmed and finally drowned his soul.  Unfortunately, he’s listened to it.

Somewhere along the line he got the idea he couldn’t win as himself. So he agreed to create this artificial construction.

My job is to return his soul back to him.

To help him reach and find that quality and spark of life, that essence of himself, that is uniquely his, that makes him different from the 7.5 billion other people on this planet.  To bring him back to himself.  To show him how true communication works.  To help him experience success as himself, not as a performer designed to fit the strait-jacket of others’ scripts for him.

He’ll be a thousand times more successful as himself.  Even more importantly, he’ll be unique.

And, most good of all, he’s going to experience the joy of finding himself again.  I can’t wait to see this happiness on his face.

But, looking at him right now, connecting to himself is one thing … There’s great passion for his message.  But what does he feel for his audience?  Nothing.  He just wants to impress them.

My job is to rekindle his ability to connect with humanity.

It’s a whole different experience when you look at your audience and, instead of seeing a group of blank-faced investors whose money you want, you see human beings. That’s the only chance you’ll have of winning their hearts.

And the best part of that is how connected he personally will feel when it happens.

It always makes me sad to see how “success” and living up to others’ expectations can bend a person out of recognition.

What people will most respond to is you.  The you who’s not like anyone else.  And they respond to your genuine love for, interest in and understanding of them. This is the heart and soul of humanity.

There’s no reason for it to get lost in corporate presentations.  No matter where you are in the corporation. 

The best part of working with him will be that moment where it all clicks into place.  We’re talking real confidence.  Real connection.  Real communication.  Real success.

I’ve helped people close billion dollar deals.   It’s much sweeter and longer-lasting in the presence of real humanity.  Yours and theirs.

Impressing people is a shallow victory. Being the REAL you, creating rich understandings, connecting your soul, heart and mind with theirs is for forever.

Be the cause!

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Louis

Sometimes we get really lucky and meet someone like Louis, someone whose communication transcends the ordinary and takes us to another world, inside and outside ourselves.  Louis Alan Swartz has been a deep inspiration to me and one of my best friends.  He passed away last week and my article this week is a tribute to him.

Louis wrote poetry.  Poetry that transformed hard hearts into gentler ones, transformed lost hope into optimism, transformed extreme grief and loss into glorious new love.

This is the power of transcendent communication.  It makes you see the world with new eyes. You lift your eyes from the keyboard and point them to the stars.

Louis looked past the “behavior” of humankind and into the heart of humankind. And that’s who he talked to.

I, and the very large and growing “Louis Fan Club,” are feeling deep grief and joy for our memories.  Louis hated to see me cry.  His last communication to me, as I was weeping over the pending loss of him, was, “I am alive!”

And he is.  In all the glorious poetry he has generously given to the world.  Poetry he created with another dear friend of mine, the fine artist, Diane Woods.  I will share a little bit of it with you.

“My purpose in life is to wake the sleeping spirit of man.

“You are constructed of magic.

“You are here to pervade joy.”

-  Louis Alan Swartz

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The authentic trap

I’m hearing many discussions around the topic of “being authentic”.  A number of people who come to me for coaching note that as one of their goals.  They often haven’t thought it through.

“I want to be really authentic.”

“Why?”  I asked?

“Because people seem to admire it.”

“Oh.  How did you come to be inauthentic?”

“Because I was trying to turn into someone other people admired.”

“So, now you want to be authentic so others admire you?”

The word authentic comes from the Greek word authentes which means, "someone who acts on one's own authority," from autos "self" + hentes "doer, being."

There you go.  There’s the formula for being authentic.  Acting on your own authority.  It comes from you.

Acting on your own authority is very different than acting to be admired.

The first is about using your own power, the second is about giving it away.

Be the cause!

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For anyone who hates seeing themself on video

I’m working with Ann, a beautiful new Senior Vice President responsible for leading 20,000 people. You would think that with this much success, she would feel good about herself.

And she does … much of the time.

But show her a video of herself, and she cringes.

She is far from alone.

I hear the words, “I hate to watch myself on video” many times each week.  From all levels of professionals and executives.  It attacks everyone equally.

There have been many times in our planet’s history, some not so distant, when people held their heads high with pride, free of self-consciousness, filled with inner feelings of self-worth. 

Society has changed. (One day I’ll write about why this is.) And many people today are filled with excessive self-consciousness.  They very simply forgot how to like themselves.

This brings us back to Ann …

Regardless of her competence, notwithstanding her great success, when many eyes are on her, when she’s being recorded, she’s overwhelmed by self-doubt.  The anxiety starts weeks before, at the event she talks too fast, her eyes dart around, you don’t really get what she’s saying, and she can’t wait for it to be over.  She hates watching the video.  No amount of reassurance prevents the next attack.

I’ve written much about the importance of your affinity for others and the power of your affinity for your audience. 

Big news:  Your affinity for yourself has a big impact on how well you communicate.

It’s not what you’re intellectually thinking about yourself.  It’s not your “logical assessment of your strengths”.  It’s not “what’s in your head.”

It’s a feeling.

We like whatever gives us pleasure.  That’s a feeling.

When you see yourself on video, what’s the feeling you get?

It’s a very simple:  Do you like yourself?

It’s a worthy goal and you can take a look for yourself and see if it’s one you want to achieve.    Your videos shine the light on this path and help you chart your route forward.

If you hate seeing yourself on video, you’re at the very beginning of the journey.  Keep moving.  Do the work of eliminating the things you don’t like, wake up and build up all those massive abilities sleeping within you, and you’ll get there.

When you hit that elevated dimension where, when you watch yourself on video, you really like what you’re seeing, when you’re swept away with the enjoyment of seeing yourself, then you have conquered the greatest obstacle between you and your audience.

As I work with Ann, I know it will happen because I see it happen all the time.

Gradually, gradually over a couple hours, she will become comfortable, she will gain control.  She will master her own presence, her ability to pervade her audience’s universe with her own essence, her ideas.  Her ability to create understanding, appreciation and admiration will blossom.

There will come a point where she admires herself.

It’s a moment of very quiet, but deep, self-satisfaction.  It’s a solid experience and certainty of who she is and of her ability to express it beautifully. She will experience freedom from all that crippling self-doubt. She will spread her wings and fly.

She will be smiling as the video plays.  Quietly enjoying the moment. Seeing her true self create real communication. Not the usual, undistinguished corporate endless talking, talking, talking.

But the real deal, solid 24-karat gold, communication.

The world is starved for it. They’ve been fed junk food much too long. They are most certainly ready for the real deal.

Many people are waiting for the power of you to emerge.  End the wait. Start with great affinity for yourself and the world will respond.

If you want help, that is available. It’s what we do.

But no one can give you permission to do this. That has to come from you.

Are you ready?

Be the cause!

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The communication secret you were taught to forget

“How am I coming across?”

This is the question Fredrico asks me as he practices his talk for a major conference.

Angelika asks me as she prepares to go to her boss to ask for a promotion.

Stewart asks as he prepares to pitch a project to a panel of senior executives and ask for $1 million in funding.

Andrea asks as she nervously gets ready to tell her organization her plans as their new SVP.

Mark asks me as he prepares to present new product pricing to his largest and grouchiest customer.

How am I coming across?

It’s the wrong question.

The question they should be asking is this one:

“Do you fully understand what I just said?”

And the answer is:  No, your audience did not.

Why is that? Because your attention is too much on yourself.  That keeps you from communicating clearly. 

This is no accident.  From the time we were little, we’ve been the target of a full-scale campaign to take our naturally extroverted attention (see how UNselfconscious little kids are) and turn it against ourselves. 

We’re told, “Look at yourself.”  We’re graded over and over and over. 

We’re supposed to see ourselves the way OTHERS see us.  Yet, others often don’t see us the way we see ourselves.  How are we supposed to reconcile that?  Especially when we’re still children?

We’re supposed to change, adjust, modify, suppress and artificially inflate to look good in THEIR eyes.

I had a 4th grade teacher who thought I had magnificent initiative that should be given tremendous free expression.  I had a grouchy 5th grade teacher who thought I talked too much and should sit down and be quiet (and right now).  Which one should take the lead in “molding” my character?

No one asked what I thought. This would have led to a good answer.  I could have told them.  I didn’t think about it.  When I had something to say, I said it.  When I didn’t, I didn’t.  It didn’t seem complicated to me. 

Fortunately, the lesson I learned was not to keep changing to make the people around me like me more.  The lesson I learned was to stay away from cranky people.

Today, I help people communicate effectively.  Some of that involves dispelling the false ideas about themselves, about others, about life, that “authorities” have injected into their thinking.  Sometimes it involves remembering what “authorities” worked so hard to make us forget.

When are people the most effective at getting what they want?

I admire two-year olds. They are really good at it.

I think there are some lessons here:

• They don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it before they speak up, they’re pretty quick on the draw.

• They don’t spend a lot of time figuring out what words to use.

• They make sure they have all of your attention, as a matter of fact they demand it.

• They’re direct and very clear.

• Speaking up has nothing to do with getting out of their “comfort zone”.  They’re talking because you need to know something or you should do something, there’s no more to it than that.

• Most importantly, they don’t worry about how they’re coming across.

Kids want to be understood. Adults want approval. When you cross this line, you give up all your power.

I’m not saying that everything two-year-olds do when they’re communicating is good. There’s a lot they don’t know. I just know some pretty effective two-year-olds.  They’re better at getting what they want than many adults are.  There is a lot they do know about communication that adults have forgotten and it’s good to remember.

Frederico, Angelika, Stewart, Andrea and Mark stopped even thinking about how they were coming across.  They shifted their focus to watching the audience, not themselves.  They communicated powerful, clear messages, delivered with mighty intention. 

They created understanding that was COMPLETE.  Every word.  Every idea.  Every reason.  Fully understood.

That degree of understanding is convincing.  They got the outcomes they wanted.  And they can do it again.

You can too.

Get their attention.  Be direct.  Be clear.  Create such a burst of understanding, that your conclusion, your recommendation, is compelling.

How do you do that?

Get the skills you need to be understood. That’s the real goal. That’s the path we offer to you in our trainings.

Communicate so well that the power of your idea is persuasive, not the way you hold your pinky.

Be the cause!

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Becoming unforgettable

Jagoda’s (pronounced Ya-go-da) beautiful presence fills the screen and you experience instant warmth.  You stop everything to pay attention to her.

Jagoda could be one-on-one with you or presenting to a crowd of 28,000.  Either way, she is captivating.

It was the beginning of the second day of the workshop. I’d given them an assignment to use what they’d learned from the first day in their lives.  Now it was time to hear from them.

What Jagoda said was profound. She said:

“I decided that before each meeting and before each conversation I would decide what emotion I WANT them to experience.  And then I would create that experience for them.”

Our great poet Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said.  People will forget what you did.  But people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Let’s do a quick experiment with this:  Think of someone you will never, ever forget. 

You probably can’t remember everything they said.  You probably can’t remember everything they did.  But notice how you will never, ever forget how they made you feel.  Notice how rich and vivid the memory of that feeling is.  Notice the power this feeling has over you.

This was the decision that Jagoda made.  The result was life-changing.  Her conversations, her meetings, her relationships are elevated. 

Jagoda looked to me for feedback.  Seeing her now, I simply said, “You can change the world.”   

She smiled and answered: “I feel that I can.”

That is power. 

I talk a lot about being causative…I even show you examples of people who are being that…

But the real goal is to actually FEEL IT for yourself, just like Jagoda.

After that, you will never be the same.

And that’s why we do the work we do, why we offer the trainings we do.

What would happen if you felt like you could change the world and actually had the skills to make it so?

Be the cause!

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One sentence that will create your next breakthrough…

“Four years ago we had a dream. Today I’m going to tell you how we made that dream come true.”

Madhu is a VP and that was the first sentence of his presentation.  The audience reaction was visible and immediate:   enthralled.

However, when Madhu started our Mastering Virtual Presentations workshop, that wasn’t at all what he planned to open with.  

He started his presentations the way that EVERYONE starts their presentations:

“Hello.   How is everyone doing? Today I want to talk to you about…”

There are MILLIONS of corporate presentations made around the world every single day, Monday through Friday.  99.999% of them start off this way.  With the immortal words: “Today I want to talk to you about ….”

This is THE most BORING way you could start off your presentation.

It sends a clear message to your audience:  

I am yet another boring corporate presenter.  I am just like ALL of the others you’ve ever heard. Please feel free to go ahead and multitask. This is not going to be special.

Many in the audience will already be reaching for their keyboards, even during the opening sentence.

Your first sentence makes an enormous difference. The first sentence in every Shakespeare play immediately plunges you directly into the plot.  From the very first opening moment, you’re engaged keeping up with the action.

Shakespeare assumed (rightly) a very intelligent audience.  He didn’t bore them with a gradual build up to the plot.  He plunged them right in to the action. His live plays were standing room only and they still stand the test of time like no other.

“In truth, I know not why I am so sad,” says Antonio in the opening line of Merchant of Venice.  You’re instantly engaged, leaning in to find out.

“Who’s there?” asks an alarmed Bernardo to open Hamlet.  Suddenly, you’re a little alarmed and need to know too.

The great novelist Elmore Leonard starts one of his best sellers with, “There was a desert wind blowing that night.”  And you’re right there, feeling it, thoroughly plunged into the scene of the story.

These are openings like no others.  You know you’re in for something special.

When you apply this principle from literature to corporate presentations, amazing things happen.

Here are some examples from professionals and execs I’ve been coaching. First I’ll give you their original opening, then I’ll give you what that transformed into.

Old way: “Today I would like to talk to you about the benefits of our Accessibility Program.”

Turned into: “There are one million blind people who want to use our products, but are unable because they don’t have access, and so they’re buying from our competitors.”

Old way: “Today I want to talk to you about the importance of handling adversity in your role.”

Turned into: “I was 40 feet below water and drowning.”

Old way: “Today I want to give you our quarterly business review and take you through the numbers.”

Turned into: “You’re going see a lot of numbers. There’s only one you should pay attention to.”

Old way: “I’m going to present the results of our training pilot so you can decide if we should roll it out to the whole organization.”

Turned into: “We came out of the dark ages of training and we refuse to go back there.  Let me tell you why.”

There are a million ways to do this. I’m going to give you a tip to get you started:

Simply forbid yourself to start your presentation with “Today I’m going to talk about...”

Never again.

That alone will force you into being creative.  

Drop them right into the middle of the story.

Pull them in with a little suspense.  Make them want to find out. 

Watch what happens with a strong opening.  You’ll feel the audience lean in a little closer, give you more of their mental energy.  With that great a beginning, that strong of a connection, it can only get better from there.

You can shift your audience’s entire experience just by changing the opening of your presentation.

Just imagine what would happen with your presentations after our Mastering Virtual Presentations workshops. It is no exaggeration to say you’ll never deliver a presentation the same way again after experiencing what you’ll learn. 

And feel free to send me your best opening sentences.  I would love to see them.  I love great openings!

Be the cause!

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What happens when elegance meets power...

Last week, I wrote about Alaya and one skill (intention) she used to reclaim power while expressing her ideas with beauty and grace.

Remember, Alaya comes from a culture that values elegance and refined manners.

She works in a fast-paced high-tech corporation filled with fiercely-driven passionate and unrestrained professionals and demanding executives who want things done now.

Passion, passion, passion. Over even the smallest of issues.

In that environment, two worlds meet:  elegance faces passion.

It’s not that Alaya isn’t passionate, she is.  But she wants to express herself with refined dignity and elegance.

Passionate people often express themselves with a very, “I have spoken!” determination.

In meetings, Alaya often drowned in their sea of overpowering forcefulness.

She would nod in a, “Yes, you have certainly spoken,” sort of way, hoping now for some sign of an opening, some opportunity or invitation beyond the ensuing silence for her to speak.

But that invitation never came.

Alaya was overwhelmed by the sheer insistence of other people.  So, when it came right down to it, she couldn’t comfortably hear what they were saying.  Words were ringing in her ears but with no meaning as she struggled with their overpowering demandingness.

As Alaya mastered our Communication Formula, all this changed.  She worked hard and learned the formula well in class and stayed in touch when she needed help.

By practicing in life, Alaya became quite an expert.  Her emails along this journey are treasures of self-discovery.

She wrote me about an extremely important breakthrough she made to REAL listening:

“It has been a year of self-transformation.  It allowed me to become much more comfortable with myself and to like myself. Only after this step, was I able to pay 100% attention to the other party.  And to listen, without thinking any comebacks in my head.  I listen to difficult conversations and feedback VERY well now. I’ve been told by others that they felt ‘there was a lot of heat, but you took it so well’ and honestly, I had felt NO heat.”

This is what it means to LISTEN.

Alaya also learned how to create a beautiful bridge when someone passionately demands the impossible or disagrees with her, to create an elegant transition that allows her to make her voice heard, to control the conversation, to create the outcomes she wants.

“I am just able to acknowledge what the other person is saying, not as an attack but as a constructive point.  I thank the person for sharing that very valuable idea. I validate them for the positive aspects.  I let them know that we will do something about it.  And then I solidly feel like they really feel heard.  So then I seek permission to move on to next topic…. They move on very smoothly.”

Being successful in our communications leads to success in life. It empowers us to make our dreams come true.  As Alaya wrote me:

“I feel I have more power and influence in my communications.  And it is showing up (it’s very visible) to the leaders around me. I have made very good connections with my colleagues. I have people say things like, ‘Wow, it’s always great meeting you’, ‘You give off such good energy’, etc. GREAT THINGS are happening in my life… and I feel things are just getting started. ;)”

Your ability to communicate is one of the most precious abilities you have.  It empowers you to be CAUSATIVE.  It enables you to live a life of joy.

The question isn’t “how” to do this. We know the how. We’ve mastered the how. We teach the how every single day of the week.

The real question is whether or not you want to take this journey.

Do YOU want what Causative Communication can help you create?

That’s a question that only you can answer.

Be the cause!

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The communication mistake that lets people walk all over you

Alaya communicated with subdued beauty and grace.  And people walked all over her.

Alaya comes from a culture that values extreme politeness in women.  Women are rigorously taught to listen, be sensitive and respond.

Alaya personally believes in this.  Impoliteness creates a feeling in her that something is terribly wrong.  She withdraws when faced with it.

Professionals and execs in large high-tech corporations are focused on getting things done fast (now) and “my way”.  Politeness is a luxury they can’t always afford.  So they mis-read Alaya’s politeness as acquiescence and rammed their agendas through, ending meetings and conversations without ever hearing her thoughts.

Alaya is intelligent, observant.  She has many ideas.  She was waiting for someone to come along who wanted to hear them. In the meantime, the world was whizzing past her at 70 miles an hour, on their way to somewhere else.

When Alaya showed up for the workshop, I recognized that her extreme sensitivity to others was a gift that made her extremely valuable to the world.

Having delivered our programs in 47 countries now, I’ve seen what different cultures teach about communication.  I see it every week.

Each culture teaches something good about communication, something other cultures would find interesting and beneficial. However, no culture teaches the full, well-rounded Communication Formula that we teach. This leaves big gaps in a person’s ability to communicate and these big gaps cause them problems.

For example, Alaya’s culture teaches beauty and grace, something our culture could certainly use more of, but entirely skipped teaching Alaya how to express her ideas, leaving more than half the communication formula missing from her ability to survive in the corporate world.

Specifically, she was missing how to combine intention with grace to communicate her ideas so she could be heard.  And she was missing how to bridge over to her ideas after someone very passionately had expressed theirs and was ready to move on without hearing her out.  How to open that door?  And do it politely.  With grace.

Alaya described her problem like this:

“I seem to not get their 100% focus on listening to me when it is my turn to speak. It is like talking to a wall. They are not listening and translate my listening as agreement and their victory.  And with me leaving conversations with my side un-said, it is leading me to feel burned out.”

Alaya still communicates with beauty and grace.  She is still soft-spoken.  Wonderfully polite. But today, a year after the workshop, she has experienced what a year of transformation does to every part of life.  Her emails to me now are a celebration.

She has learned to add the magic ingredient of intention into her communication.  Not forcefulness, but the power of strong intent that carries her words across to bridge all divides.

This is how she describes herself now:

“I have reclaimed my power in the conversation.  THE COMMUNICATION FORMULA HAS CHANGED MY LIFE (the workshop); my relationship with MYSELF is better; hence my relationship with others is better (family, colleagues, strangers).

“I am so confident in my AUTHENTIC self; I am 100% at ease with myself. I have worked hard on myself so I am proud of where I am. And I’m making progress every day. I am learning every day.

“I am CAUSING outcomes that I want left, right and center.”

The world is now listening to Alaya.  And they like her ideas.  She is being selected for leadership positions and invited to speak at leadership conferences. 

If you are not CAUSING the outcomes you want, my hunch is that you’re missing one (or more) of the pieces of the Communication Formula.

In the span of a single one of our workshops, you can get those missing pieces and put yourself in a position where the world will listen to YOU, just like it listens to Alaya.

Be the cause!

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Quitting the prison-grade presentation diet

I joined the virtual meeting right on time. The five of them were already there for the one month follow-up session after an intensive virtual coaching program.

A strong reflex made me sit up straight and smile the moment I saw how they looked.

They were perfectly positioned.  Five beautiful faces filled the screen.  Their camera presence was strong and polished.  Beaming, eyes radiant with confidence.

They looked straight into my eyes.  Completely natural with the camera.  

Instant connection.  Penetrating.

It had nothing to do with their visual backgrounds, what they were wearing, their hair, or lack of it.  It all came from within.

They were warm.  They were powerful. Most people are one OR the other. They were both.

Then each of them took turns speaking. Straight to me, straight to my mind, direct to my heart.

One of them would have been enough to make me sit up straight and smile. The power of five simultaneously was dazzling.

They’re a sales account team that works together to sell very expensive products and services in an extremely competitive high-tech industry. They were chosen for the coaching by their manager because they’re high performers.

They have been practicing what they learned for a month, at every meeting, in every conversation, with every presentation.

Their one word to describe how it initially felt when they started this journey was “uncomfortable.”

But that didn’t stop them.  They ignored the discomfort and did it anyway, struggling at first, encouraging each other, never slowing.  Always onward.

Little by little, small successes were followed by bigger ones.

And here they were. One month later. Confident.  Successful.

Their presentations make other presentations look impoverished. 

Without being “salesy”, they make you want to move forward.  Now.

They inspire you and leave you feeling different. 

Rock stars.  Individually.  And as a team.

I remember when they started their program with me.  I talked to them about their magnificence and how we were going to bring it out during the coaching.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  Enthusiastic, but crazy.  None of them could even imagine it.

Now, a month later, they’d enjoyed a rich diet of creating extraordinary communications and it was clear they would never go back to the prison-grade diet of plain and ordinary presentations.

As one of them said, “People can choose to be plain and ordinary. I now choose to bring out what is magnificent inside of me.”

It’s a choice we make.  Every moment of every day. Plain or magnificent.

It’s not a destiny. It’s not something that “happens” to us. It’s not luck. It’s not something you have to be born with.  It’s not a personality trait.  It’s not something other people decide for you.

It’s under YOUR control.  It’s based on a choice you make.

Will you be PLAIN…or MAGNIFICENT?

Everything we do here is designed for those who choose MAGNIFICENT. If that’s you, then get the skills you need to bring that out.

The sales team I coached already HAD magnificence inside them.

The training we provided gave them a way to bring it to the surface.

If you’re ready to start that journey, hit “reply” and let me know…

Be the cause!

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The biggest mistake you can make presenting to executives

Maria came up with a way to make her division more efficient and to increase its profitability. She had very compelling logic and a great recommendation. 

But when Maria presented it to senior leadership, she was met with lukewarm interest and no action.

As she was practicing with me during her coaching, Maria had the idea in her mind that I represented that panel of senior executives. She also had in her mind the idea that she was coming to this panel of execs asking for permission.

This is an enormous mistake to make.

Despite the fact that Maria had a mountain of extraordinary achievements to give her solid credibility, she came across like an insecure child asking to be allowed to do something.

She looked weak and unsure, and talked to me like I was all-powerful and mighty. 

It was something she wanted very badly and Maria almost looked like she was on the verge of pleading.

Why?  

Because in her mind, “they” had all the power, she had none. That’s why she felt like she was asking for permission.

We have been carefully trained to be this way.

We have been trained to ask for permission from the time that we are very, very little.  School was a constant battle for permission.  As a matter of fact, most of what we got early in life, we got only when permission was granted. Even if it was one of the most basic of life’s joys, like staying up a little later past our bedtime.  Imagine if you had to ask someone for that today.

The problem with asking for permission is that immediately in your mind it puts you in a one-down position. Guaranteed to make you nervous. Guaranteed to put you out of control when it comes to creating the outcome you want, guaranteed to destroy your causative nature.

This affects people whether they’re asking for a promotion, a raise, headcount, resources, increased responsibilities, vacation, etc. etc. etc.

Some people compensate by becoming forceful and demanding, developing an artificial swagger and reputations for being aggressive. Although these people do accomplish their goals more often than those who are weak, they are not respected or admired. They don’t win hearts and minds.

There’s a world of difference between asking for permission and communicating effectively.

Most of us were never taught how to be confident about the knowledge we do possess, never taught how to develop a strong foundation of self-belief, strong enough to withstand a panel of executives in higher positions of authority.

As a result, most of us were never taught how to communicate as trusted advisors.

Yet, most people I coach, if not all of them, after years of hard work, have developed a unique and valuable expertise.

I asked Maria if she mentored any “early in career” individuals and she said there were many.   They think she’s a rock star.

I told her to get the idea that I was an “early in career” individual who really looked up to her, admired her and wanted to learn from her wisdom and experience.  Maria could think of a number of people who did that.  And then now, with that idea in mind of WHO she was talking to, tell me her recommendation for restructuring the division.

With that simple shift, an entirely NEW Maria showed up.

Her body language completely transformed. Her shoulders relaxed.  All 42 of her facial muscles relaxed.  Her face had genuine warmth and she got quite a blazing and confident look in her eye.  There was a completely calm, rock-solid certainty in her voice tone.

Maria looked and sounded like a completely different person.

As she explained her thought process and recommendation to me, Maria used way fewer words and communicated with way more positive and compelling intention.

Needless to say, it was powerful. Causative.

I told her to get the idea that the panel of executives saw her as a trusted advisor and the first thing Maria blurted out was, “Oh no, not me!”

How did we get so brainwashed to think so little of ourselves?

Yet, if you’re being asked to present to execs, you are being seen as a trusted advisor, if only you accept the invitation and are willing to step into those shoes. 

I coached Maria until she was completely comfortable presenting as a trusted advisor.

I can’t even put into words how amazing she was. I saw her through that exec panel’s eyes.  You listen to her because she now is a leader, because she it’s clear she knows so much. She makes you feel like you’re in good, capable hands. You trust her.  If she says, “We need to act”, it’s clear:  we need to act.

She presented the next day to the real panel of execs and sent me an immediate email, here is the essence:

“It really was a world of difference.  Victory!”

When you feel you need to ask for permission, notice what happens to you, how you’re feeling and the changes that come over you.  It doesn’t have to be that way.

Next time you’re talking up your chain of command, take a moment to decide which pair of shoes you’re going to wear. The little boy or girl shoes to ask for permission?  Or the shoes of a trusted advisor?

Slip on the big pair and make your presentation. Trust me, it’s very much what your audience wants you to do.  And the world will hear your voice and be better for it.

Be the cause!

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Finding your decoder ring for corporate speak

I’m coaching Geoff, a senior exec, on his virtual presentations.  Geoff presents internally to thousands of employees, to the senior leadership team, to the board and at global industry conferences.  He’s an important guy.

You might not be surprised to know that Geoff has three other communication coaches. Two are internal and one is a consultant.  I was added as Geoff’s fourth coach to accelerate his progress toward becoming a more charismatic presenter.

I was asked to meet with the other three to integrate my coaching strategy with theirs for an important upcoming presentation Geoff will deliver to thousands of employees.

The three coaches told me they had already worked out Geoff’s key message and were hoping that I could help Geoff deliver it “impactfully”.  I asked them what it was and they said Geoff’s key message was:

The organization now critically needs teams to create transformation by rapidly iterating new approaches

And then they sat back and looked at me with great satisfaction.

It had taken them entire afternoon to come up with that key message and they were very proud of it.

You, reading this, are probably not a high-priced communications coach.  But I’ll bet you can easily see the flaw in that key message.

It leaves you thinking, “What the heck did you just say? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I hate to say this, but that describes much of what I can say about corporate presentations.

I have thousands and thousands of “Before” and “After” videos of clients and one comment I can make about many of the “Before” videos is, “I have no idea what you just said.”

People get so wrapped up in looking good and trying to be impressive, in trying to overwhelm in an effort to be convincing, that they forget that what you’re REALLY doing is getting a message across that you want people to understand, and very possibly you actually want them to go out and do something.

People come to me for coaching with goals that sound like, I want to be impressive. No one comes to me and says, I want to be understood.  Yet, this second one is the powerful one.

They make the mistake and assumption that If I’m saying it, you must be understanding it. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I told Geoff’s 3 coaches that I definitely want him to be impactful and that I would help.  I talked to Geoff, found out what he was REALLY trying to say, and translated the key message back to a language people understand.

Here’s the key message that Geoff delivered to the troops.  It was the same message, said differently.  Geoff said:

You know all those new things you’ve wanted to try to make our organization better?  GO FOR IT! NOW!  And if something’s not working, figure out why real fast and make it work.  Don’t sit around blaming anybody. Who cares whose fault it was. Just get it working. As fast as you can.

When I first presented this key message to them, the other coaches looked at me disapprovingly and said, “But this doesn’t sound very SVP’ish.”

I said, “I understand.  I think this is what he’s trying to say, isn’t it?”

They said, “Yes, but…”

Somehow in their minds, SVP communication has to be elevated, sophisticated, way beyond the way normal people talk.

To the point of being incomprehensible.

Geoff developed a very strong executive presence during our coaching (see last week’s article). So when he delivered this communication it had a LOT of power.  

People got it. The organization got moving.  Everyone stopped blaming each other. They got things working.  Fast.

The message was understood.  Loud and clear.  Action was immediate. 

Your primary purpose is to get your message across. Your primary purpose is to be understood. With high fidelity clarity.  

Once you are certain you are being fully understood, there are lots of things that you can do to add interest and create emotional impact.   I’ll write about those in future articles.

But don’t be like so many in the corporate world, so caught up in being fancy and impressive, that your signal gets lost in the noise.

In the simplest possible terms, what is it you want to tell them? Exactly what is it you want them to do?   Craft an elegantly clear key message.  And deliver it with real presence and impact.

If you’re having any difficulty working out your key messages, that is what we do here.  It is just one of the skills we teach. Just reach out and ask for help.

Getting clear on how to do this is one of the KEYS to becoming causative.

Be the cause!

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The making of a king

Daniel opened this message after a critical meeting and knew that others had clearly seen his new state of being:

“Not sure if it’s the coaching, but you had a rather regal presence.  Your ideas were very clear, collaborative and it was a boosted energy from previous meetings.  Thank you for all of the insight and input you provided today.”

You rarely see the word regal, meaning worthy of a king, used to describe someone in the corporate world – very rare.  It’s a badge of honor. You have to earn it, and Daniel did. 

How did he get here?

Daniel already had the highest rating from his team of any senior manager in the organization, 4.8 out of 5, on scores of productivity, team spirit and loyalty. He regularly received kudos from his boss and the rest of the organization for his work.

The problem is, emotionally speaking, Daniel is done with this job. He’s beyond ready for more.  Daniel wakes up every morning aching for the next level.  He wants to be a VP so bad, it’s difficult to find satisfaction anymore in what he’s doing right now.

But his boss, and his boss’ boss, keep telling him he’s not ready.

There’s not much worse than feeling stuck and feeling like you can’t control your own destiny.

Daniel’s boss told him that what Daniel is missing is this extremely nebulous quality called executive presence. But his boss couldn’t really explain or define it for him.  And Daniel had no idea what it was either.

So they called me.

You might think that executive presence is a recent phenomenon, a concept that only made its appearance in the corporate world in the last century.

Not so.  Noah Webster was writing about it in 1828, and it had been around for a long time even before that.  They were writing about (and admiring) this quality of presence in men and women all the way back in ancient civilizations.  I like to use what Noah wrote about it in my coaching.  He explains it well.

Here’s what it is:

Superior presence of mind.  A calm, firm state of the mind, with thoughts and abilities at command, which enables a person to speak or act without embarrassment or self-consciousness.

The thing about this, is that it’s very rare.  While anyone is capable of it, very few in the corporate world demonstrate it.  Here’s why:

Very simply put, executive presence is a state of mind.

Let’s examine it by breaking down Noah Webster’s definition one word at a time:

Superior means to surpass what is considered usual regarding excellence, greatness, goodness and quality.  It’s a superior state of mind.

Presence is a state of being that is focused, cool, firm and prepared.

Calm means still. Your mind is still. You are still. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be very dynamic. It means that you and your energy, are not agitated. There is a stillness to your energy. It’s not rushed.  It is not disturbed.  It flows forth easily.

Firm means secure in position, unshaken, strong, steadfast.

Being in complete command of your thoughts and abilities means that you have complete power and authority over exercising them.  You are in complete control of your thoughts and your abilities. It’s a state of being in complete command over yourself.  This very naturally, very organically, generates authority, which is the power others give you which is derived from their opinion, respect or esteem.

Embarrassment is being ashamed of yourself.  You want none of that.

Self-consciousness means being too aware of yourself. The opposite of self-conscious is aware of the world around you, of others, not focused on yourself.  Effortlessly.

Every single one of these is an ability. It’s not a personality trait.  I say that to dispel any false idea you might have been told that you have to be born with it.  I’ve worked with thousands of very different personalities who have developed these abilities. Each personality has its own unique style. You have your own unique style. That’s your personality. The qualities above are abilities, not personalities.  You can develop each of these abilities and then add your own beautiful style to them, just as Daniel did during our coaching sessions.

This state of mind is the foundation from which you communicate and from which you act. When you can do that, your communication has the power of executive presence, and your actions do as well.

People then naturally put you into the leadership position. For one simple reason: it’s obvious that you belong there. It would not be fitting, it would not be right, to put you anywhere else. Your promotion to leadership is inevitable, assuming you have the technical and business skills required.

Daniel’s organization does not have the position of King.  So I don’t think that Daniel will be crowned. However, I have no doubt that one of his next emails to me is going to announce a major promotion. That email he received above is just one of many similar ones he’s happily answering these days.  It’s happening.

You are in control of your destiny.

If things aren’t going in the direction you want, then get the skills you need to change that.

You are the king or queen of your “kingdom,” after all.

Be the cause!

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The biggest lie ever told…

I’m sending this article out a day early, because of what tomorrow brings, because of the conversations that will happen.

 I live in America.  Most of my readers live in America, although a great number live in countries around the globe.  Politics has reached deeply into every corner of the world, into many lives, millions of conversations.

 Right now, we have 25,000 armed military troops dressed in riot gear in our beautiful nation’s capital.  This is more troops than we have had on-site during many declarations of war.

It signals many things, but to me, primarily it signals the breakdown of communication.  Force enters in when communication breaks down. As long as communication is working, force is unnecessary.

This past Sunday, I went for a walk and stopped to talk to one of my neighbors.  John is passionate about everything, from gardening and music to local politics.  I made the serious mistake of thinking he and I had similar political views, and commented to him about a controversial California politician I greatly admire.

John exploded.  He doesn’t believe anything this politician says. He went on and on and on, passionately explaining his beliefs. 

Our disagreement could not have been greater.

I opened my mind and really listened to him. I genuinely understood John and his point of view. He made several extremely valid points. He also said some things I knew nothing about and I made a note to research them when I got home because it would be interesting to learn about them. I listened and I listened and I listened. 

While he was talking, I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was simply listening and really understanding, really seeing it from his point of view.  Mostly I was making sure I was just getting it fully and understanding. 

There are many things I love about John. He’s a very cheerful guy who always lights up when he sees me.  He’s friendly to everyone. He always lends a hand to every neighbor on our street. John’s the guy who shows up with the wheelbarrow when you need one.  He loves to talk to everyone.

As I listened to John say things I completely disagreed with, I never lost the good feeling I have for him.

John talked in great detail.  He said all he wanted me to know, and it was a lot.  When he was finished, he seemed to notice me for the first time.  He examined my face.  I think he could see I was concentrating very seriously on him and just plain listening.  John smiled at me and said, “I sure didn’t mean to go off like that.”

I said, “I’m glad you did. I’m very happy to know what you’re thinking. I really understand what you’re saying, I really get your point of view on this. There are some things you said I’ve never heard and I’m going to look into them.”

John looked at me with a super friendly look and said, “What you said about this politician is something I’ve never heard. If it’s true, that would change my opinion of him.  I’m going to do some research on that, that would be very interesting.” 

We both smiled and talked about the goings-on in the street.  Very happy to be neighbors.

The reason I’m writing this is because millions of political conversations are happening. And I want you to know that the propaganda that’s put out about how “difficult” it is for people to communicate when they have different or opposing views is a lie.  Believing this lie erects barriers between us when we need to reach each other most.

The truth is that we as human beings are capable of great understanding, we are capable of seeing things from many different viewpoints, we’re capable of seeing things from billions of different viewpoints. There is simply no limit on this one.

Yet, by magazines and media, we are systematically brainwashed to think that our own viewpoint is the only one that is valid and that we “can’t talk to” someone who has a different view or conviction.  This belief that communication is “difficult” ensures we will have enduring conflict.

John and I have completely different points of view, completely different sources of information, completely different beliefs, and we have a major disagreement that we are both passionate about.  But we have no conflict. Why?

Because we’re both willing to understand each other, to find out more and to keep talking about it.

I have no doubt that something amazing is going to come out of this conversation.  And I have a feeling that we will both be surprised by how it turns out.  That’s how good communication works.

Why is John willing to understand me?  Because I understand him.  Period.

Whoever you’re talking to, what they really want from you is understanding.

The more you understand them, the more willing they are to understand you.  This is a natural law in play in all humanity.  It looks like magic when it happens, but I’ve seen it happen now across all borders for over 30 years. 

You’re the one to get the ball rolling.   

Show the world the “lie” isn’t true…

Be the cause!

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Transforming a screen full of "black squares" into real connection

Isabella was about to give a presentation to the most important customer in the European region, representing more money for her company in one year than she had ever seen in her lifetime. The customer was not happy and Isabella was there to explain what had gone wrong.

Isabella is a warm, wonderful, caring and intelligent woman. She has no trouble connecting with people in person.

This meeting, however, was virtual with seven people Isabella had never met. None of them had their camera on. She was looking at a wall of little black squares with names written on them. They looked more like gravestones than people.

How do you build rapport with that?

When I first started coaching her, she was terrified, looking at the camera lens like it was a snake.  You can imagine the tension in her face, the look in her eyes. 

You can also imagine what the customer reaction would be. With so little confidence in herself, there was no chance Isabella would inspire confidence in any of the seven unhappy people on the call who were ready to rip into her.

Isabella‘s first big challenge was simply being comfortable.  The first thing I helped her with was getting rid of the “mental noise” in her head.  You know what I’m talking about – when your mind is ping-ponging all over the place and making you tense up.  All that mental noise kept her from having any focus. We got rid of it so she was calm, relaxed and comfortable.

I then did several exercises with her until she could comfortably look at the camera lens and imagine it was a real face, a friendly person with warm eyes, reassuringly smiling at her.

As Isabella did that, her own features transformed into a beautiful, very genuine smile. Her eyes became warm and radiant. You couldn’t help but smile back at her.

The camera lens became a portal that allowed Isabella to walk through and enter the minds and hearts of the people on the other side.

Then she practiced communicating the news, creating powerful key messages that would resonate and delivering them compassionately, with quick impact. 

As we elevated the quality of Isabella‘s communication, you could feel the transformation in the outcome Isabella now controlled.

 She inspires your confidence.  Yet she also creates a powerful emotional impact.  She is so much on your side, you can’t resist her.

In her next customer call, the miracle happened.

As Isabella was speaking, gradually the cameras came on, real faces, real people, smiling back at her, nodding, understanding, trust growing.  Understanding the problem, but willing to move forward and work with her on the solution.  Just as if they were in person.

Transformation.  Catastrophe averted.

Isabella‘s heart and whole being exploded with inner joy and celebration.

You might be thinking this is an isolated incident. It isn’t.

Our students see miracles like this regularly. Both in their communications and their presentations.  It’s the reason we at ETS love what we do. 

Our mission is to help people become powerful communicators who can accomplish their goals with the way they communicate their ideas.  Ideas have power, but only when they’re communicated well.

Real communication creates real magic. Everything else is just talking.

This is a world in need of miracles.  Every miracle you have as a communicator affects at least one other person. It uplifts them for their next conversation.

This is how the ripples in the pond go forward when one pebble is dropped into the water.  The pebbles you drop eventually reach distant shores.  Keep going and one day we’ll have a world that’s much, much easier to live in, a world filled with real communication, warmth and understanding.

The question isn’t whether or not you can create these miracles, the question is just how many  you will choose to create?

Be the cause!

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