We were meeting for the first time. Her face was hard, stern. She had her head tilted back and was looking down her nose at me. Her voice was uncompromising.

“I am the Chief of Staff here. We are responsible for billions of dollars of new product development and I report directly to the Chief Operating Officer.  Everything to the COO goes through me. I make sure everything gets done. I have global responsibility.”

Her eyes challenged me, daring me to top that.

I looked into the heart of this woman and said, “Very nice to meet you. You must have done a lot to get there.”

I wasn’t flattering her.  I was understanding her.

She looked into my eyes and changed into a different person.  Her eyes softened and she smiled very slightly. 

She thought for a moment and said, “Honestly, it’s a tough job, they don’t always listen to me.”

I thought about that for a moment and quietly said, “I can really understand that. That would be tough.”

I was in no rush.  I wasn’t being sympathetic.  I was understanding her.

She looked into my eyes to see if my understanding was true. Being understood was new to her. She saw it was. 

She softened slightly more.

I helped her with the project that the COO had given her to work on with me. Several more times she opened up a little more about herself, and each time I thought about it a moment and acknowledged that I could really understand where she was coming from. She softened more each time.

About 2 weeks later I got an email from her saying, “Do you have time to talk? I could use the boost in confidence.”

I said, “Absolutely” and we set up a call.

She really opened up in this one.  I listened, acknowledged her, letting her know I really understood, and helped her with some ideas.

I didn’t give her any sympathy – she wouldn’t have wanted any anyway.  Just simple understanding.

At the end of the call, she told me three times, “I am so grateful to you.” Her voice was warm and grateful.

I told her it was my pleasure, and I was happy we’d gotten to know each other.

This is the woman known inside her organization as “The Dragon Lady”.

She never lets down her guard.

No one knows how to communicate with her.  No one acknowledges her importance. So, she asserts it.

Is she important?  Actually, she is.  But the more she asserts it, the less everyone around her is willing to admit or acknowledge it.

No one has gotten through her tough veneer, no one has seen the inside of her.

They’re either terrified of her or fighting her. No one is acknowledging her. No one just looks at her and sees her. And so, it continues. Forever.

Not being understood, not being acknowledged, brings out the worst in a person. Always.

Being understood, and I mean REALLY understood, does something incredible for all human beings. Something that is never short of magical.

The tougher someone is, the tougher others get in return, the less understanding they have.  We get a downward spiral. And so it goes. Always down into something unpleasant.

This is when the other person needs to be understood more than ever.  Simply understood. 

Letting the other person know you understand is called an acknowledgement.  It simply means, “I understand”.

Acknowledgments only work when they’re sincere.  They must come from your genuine understanding.

In a difficult situation, or with a difficult person, you have a choice. You can react or understand. 

One of these creates a downward spiral.  The other creates magic, especially when followed with a real acknowledgement that simply communicates – “I really understand” and the person can see in your eyes that it’s true.

A person can change when they’re understood. Otherwise, they’ll get stubborn. It always makes sense to me when and why someone is stubborn.  They need to be understood.

That’s why I focus on understanding.  I don’t focus on “projecting” my understanding or proving it or asserting it.  You don’t have to do any of that.

I simply feel it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I just feel it.  Just understanding.  All by itself.

Understanding is a feeling.  I keep listening and looking at what they said and understanding them until I feel it, and I feel it purely and strongly.  Sometimes it’s instantaneous.  Sometimes it takes me a moment to really get it from their point of view.

That’s the point when I let them know I understand, because only then will it be true.

Understanding and letting them know you understand allows the other person to open up to you. It’s only once you really understand, that they do let their guard down, they do open up. That’s when you can finally have a real conversation. 

“The Dragon Lady” calls me now.  She trusts me now.  She knows I get her.  She doesn’t act important with me.  We laugh together.  We get things done.  She’s fast and I like working with her.

People are so afraid that if they let themselves understand the other person and acknowledge them, they will “lose”.

The opposite is true.

Understanding is how you win. 

Be the cause!