“She gets very defensive whenever I ask her a question.”

Vincent was describing Vickie, the Executive Vice President who had just cast the deciding vote to veto Vincent’s promotion to Vice President.

Vincent was complaining about how difficult Vickie was just to talk to. And he was trying to get her to understand how qualified he was to be a VP.

From his perspective, the problem was …. Vickie.

 And, it was true.  She did get defensive with Vincent.  He visibly irritated her.

But Vincent had identified the wrong root cause for why Vickie reacted this way to him.  As you know, if you have the wrong root cause, you’ll get nowhere.

What was Vincent not seeing?

Many people have no idea how they’re coming across.  I take A LOT of screen shots and record A LOT of videos during my coaching to show people what they look like.  It opens their eyes.

I role played the scenario with Vickie and took a picture of Vincent listening. The look in his eyes, and on his face, said LOUD and CLEAR, “You are really stupid and I can’t believe I have to listen to this.”

I said, “Here’s what you look like when you’re listening to Vickie.”  I showed Vincent the pictures of his face in multiple listening positions during the conversation.

He said, “Oh my God! I look like I want to kill her.”

Isn’t it amazing that you can make someone defensive just by how you look at them while you listen?

You’re not even saying anything!  So you may feel like, “I’m not doing anything.”

You may think you’re not doing anything. And yet, in Vincent’s case, he was destroying one of the most powerful, precious and sacred elements of communication.

He’s not alone.

Another client I coached got a very phony look on their face while listening like, “I am SO not interested in what you’re saying, I’m just waiting for you to stop so I can say something, but I’ll pretend I’m super interested so you don’t get mad.”

Another client started drinking her coffee and looking into her cup with a look of, “I hope this is over soon.”

Another client raised his eyebrows with a, “You’ve got to be kidding me, I can’t believe you’re saying that” look on his face.

I could go on.

They’re all being POLITE.  But it’s the kind of politeness that communicates, “I’m forcing myself to be very polite with you and it’s a strain.”

That’s a rapport-killer.  A relationship-killer. An outcome-killer.

How you look at the other person as you listen creates an experience for the other person that will have a bigger impact on your outcome and your relationship than you might realize.

Some say this is all about body language. No, no, no.  The language your body is speaking is the EFFECT of, and an expression of, what you are thinking and feeling. I don’t want to address the effect; I want to address the CAUSE.

It’s not your body you want to control. It’s your mind, particularly your state of mind, your thoughts, your affinity for the other person and the importance with which you treat what they say.  Here’s how.

When you get the idea, “This is important” as you listen to someone, ALL of your body language, every muscle in your face, in your body, changes.  It shifts into a new gear that the other person perceives immediately.

They visibly can see something in ALL of you that makes them think, “You get how important this is.  You really understand me.”

And that creates a BIG change in them. 

When people feel understood, they open to you in ways you won’t otherwise see.  It doesn’t matter if they’re the Executive VP or the janitor, whether they’re your 4-year old or a difficult customer.  Humanity responds to understanding.

There’s something special that you radiate when you are feeling genuine care for the person you’re talking to.  When you’re filled with affinity for them, your eyes are radiant.  The other person experiences it.  It communicates a magic to them and they respond to that magic.

But it must be genuine.  It’s not a “body language” thing.  It’s not an “I’m going to make you think I feel this way” thing. 

You can’t just “look like” you think it’s important.  You can’t just “look like” you understand. 

24-karat gold is pure.  You can measure understanding in karats too.  And the world notices 24-karat understanding.  Especially when you grant importance to every idea they express.  This has a profound impact.  It’s very, very rare.  To see it is to believe it.

I’ve described the “Before” screen shots of some of my clients to you.  The “After” screen shots tell a completely different story and create a completely different experience for the person they’re listening to, resulting in a completely different outcome for them.

Vickie became a completely different person.  Not because of anything Vincent said.  But because of how he made her feel as he listened.  Doors opened.  And from there, it was easy.

Try an experiment for 24 hours.  When someone is talking to you, really get the idea, “This is important.”  Get it for real and really listen.  All the way through.

Let me know if you can handle all the magic that happens in only 24 hours.

Be the cause!