“They don’t want to change.”

This was stated as a fact of life by Adira, a rather forceful woman I was coaching.  It was our first session.  I had asked about her goals and she launched into her ongoing frustrations with the people in her department.

“They’ve been doing everything the same way a long time.  They’re stuck in their ways and they just don’t want to hear about any new way of doing it.”

Adira spent 15 minutes detailing events and deeds that proved how stubborn “they” were and, with a flourish, she finished with, “Perhaps I should leave and go to a different organization where they value creative thought.”

I silently noted, “Well, you just added 15 minutes to your cycle time for making change happen. These 15 minutes spent talking about how people don’t want to change didn’t get you any closer to your goal.  I see how you’re stopping yourself.”

I asked Adira, “What is the outcome you would really like to see?” 

She answered with 10 passionate minutes more on the history of her frustrations, how she had come into the department with high hopes, head held high. How she had proposed ideas to them and how they had been shut down.  Adira was especially critical of three particular individuals plus her boss, and pretty bitter about how “they” were holding her back.

Well, there you go. Adira had added yet another 10 minutes to her cycle time for creating change.

So I asked again, “What would be the most ideal outcome you can imagine?  What would be really wonderful if it happened?”

Adira looked at me as if I had lost my mind.  “Wonderful?????”  She spent another 5 minutes patiently explaining to me how “these people” were far from ideal, how they did not measure up to her standards, did not live up to her expectations, and how disappointing it all was.

Adira had no awareness of what she was doing. None.

She had no idea she was being critical.  She thought she was being objective.

My job was to raise her awareness.

So I asked her, “What would you like to see happen?”

Adira had run out of frustrating things to tell me.  She said, “You mean even though it will never happen, what I WISH would happen?”

“Yes.”

She said, “I really want them to listen to me.”

I said, “Great! Let’s work on that.”

The first thing I did was record a video of Adira while we role-played one of the many frustrating situations she faced.

Adira was shocked when she saw herself on video.

She was seeing herself for the first time.  She was watching a woman trying to get others to cooperate with her, but who was displeased, resentful, harsh in her demands and bitter in her criticisms. 

I know of no saint on earth who would want to listen to her.

Adira wasn’t making one error, she was making about 17.

Adira said, “No wonder they hate me.”

She was ready, even eager, to change.  And then I systematically coached Adira to develop one communication skill at a time.

Adira gradually came to understand that she controls whether or not people want to listen to her. That the power is 100% in her hands. And that it takes all 17 skills combined, plus the ability to shift gears with them, the ability to be herself and, at the same time, to be someone others want to hear.

We recorded many, many videos throughout her journey. Each video helped Adira see. Each video helped her raise her own awareness. And with self-awareness came change. 

You cannot tell people what to see. You can only show them where to look. Most people don’t know where to look and so they don’t see. That’s where videos become really great coaching and learning tools.

After intensive practice, the transformation in Adira was extraordinary. The harshness is gone.  Great compassion and understanding infuse her communications.  She’s strong in expressing her ideas and what she needs, but she’s on your side too.  She’s not judging you.  She’s understanding you.  She’s not an enemy, she’s an ally.  A strong one.

Now when Adira speaks, people find themselves leaning in to hear.  They’re smiling and nodding as they listen to her.  They admire her strength and her intelligence. 

And when she’s listening, it’s with genuine interest and not that raised eyebrow “You are such an idiot” look that used to decorate her face. 

Adira took her new communication skills out into the world.

She told me the people in her department are very different people now. 

“They’ve changed.”

She adds, “The total transformation in the people around me is extraordinary. They’re completely different.  They’re not only listening to me, they’re reaching out, it’s very amazing.”

It just shows the power of self-awareness to start that transformation. Self-awareness is something we’re all in the process of developing. The more we have, the more successful we are. Every inch gained opens up vast panoramas of possibility and new victories for us.

Many people would have seen this bitter woman and given up on her. They would’ve said the exact same thing about her that she was saying about others, “She’ll never change, she is so negative.”  They would’ve said, “It’s her personality, it’s the type of person she is, it’s who she is and she’ll never be different, she’s stuck that way.”

But, I know something.  When we raise awareness, whether ours or others’, everything changes. Everything.

Awareness is what makes people change their minds.  Specifically, increased awareness.

Your awareness comes first.  Then you are able to help others become aware.  Learning how to increase awareness, yours and others, is one of the most powerful abilities you can develop.  A truly worthy goal.  That’s when beautiful change happens.

When you find yourself thinking, “I don’t like it, but that’s just the way they are,” a good question to ask yourself is this:

“What am I doing that’s keeping that in place?” or, “How can I bring out the good in them?” 

People are too quick to reassure each other, “Oh no, it’s not you, it’s them.”  But that empty reassurance never helps you.  It keeps a bad situation locked in place.  Causative transformation and causative communication start with a much higher level of responsibility, a much higher level of confidence in yourself and in others, and the self-awareness to know that you can do something about it. 

The super stars in the world, and I work with a lot of them, spend no time asking questions like, “What’s wrong with them?”

They only ask, “What ability do I need to develop to create the reality I want?” 

Spending hours talking about how “bad” it all is will take you nowhere. 

Your energy is best spent imagining how you would like it to be, and then developing your ability to communicate your ideas to the world to make it so. 

Focus on your goal. That is the shortest and most direct route to success.

Be the cause!