Flashback to three years ago –

Susan: “I don’t think it’s going to work.”

I was looking at a beautiful, strong and successful corporate attorney. Susan wasn’t being defiant. She genuinely didn’t think what I was teaching was going to work.

Susan faces tough negotiations.  No one backs down, no one gives an inch, they aggressively fight for every possible advantage.  They pounce at any hint of vulnerability.  Warmth is construed as weakness.

It’s a high-stakes game played with millions of dollars. It’s not an arena for taking risks lightly. It’s certainly not one where you would try something that you didn’t think was going to work just to see if your communications instructor was right about it.

What were we talking about? Acknowledgments.  Susan was my student in a communications class and I had just covered the power of acknowledgment.

An acknowledgment is simply letting the other person know that you have received and understood what they have said. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree. There’s no judgment in a good acknowledgment, simply understanding.

People naturally acknowledge when they agree. They don’t even think about it.

But acknowledgments tend to vanish fast during disagreements. And their disappearance is the root cause of argument, of conflict and of much of the unpleasantness that can happen when communication breaks down.

The key to a really good acknowledgment is the listening that precedes it.

In difficult situations people’s minds are usually racing around too much to really hear what the other person is saying. They’re too busy disagreeing or trying to figure out what they’re going to say, manufacturing a winning rebuttal.

A really good acknowledgment starts with really good listening.  And real listening always includes being interested.  It always includes understanding.  By definition, it must.  Whether or not you agree.  And ESPECIALLY when you disagree.

Once you really HEAR what the other person is telling you, once they feel they have said it all, an acknowledgment is simply letting the other person know, “I really understand what you just said.”  And letting that sink in with them before you respond.

The pause to really let it sink in is where the acknowledgement amplifies its power.

Theory is fine, but Susan had a million reasons why it wouldn’t work. “If I say I understand, they will think I agree. If I pause to let it sink in, they’ll just start talking and I won’t get a chance to say what I want to say.  I’ll completely lose control.” 

I hear this in every single communications class I teach. These are some of the main reasons why people don’t acknowledge others, not realizing the trouble and the problems they’re setting off like firecrackers when they follow this path of thinking.

My job is not to convince people that acknowledgements will work. My job is to teach them how to do it and let them try it. Then, when they see what happens when they do, they can decide whether or not it works. They have to see it working for themselves before they believe it.

I was the same way.  It’s the way it should be.  You need to see it for yourself and only then is it true. 

So, I didn’t try to “convince” Susan when she said it wouldn’t work.  I told her she could try it if she wanted, and see what happened for herself.

I never heard what happened after that, three years ago. I did know that last year Susan came back to this special professional development program for corporate attorneys as a coach to mentor others who were taking the program. The experience was so rewarding, she’s back again this year to coach. She showed up extraordinarily radiant and beautiful.

I had the opportunity to see Susan in action last week as she was helping me coach a new group of corporate attorneys. One of them, after I covered the power of acknowledgements, said: “It don’t think it’s going to work in negotiations.”

Susan said, “I’d like to address that.”  I was grinning ear to ear.  I waited to see how Susan would handle it.  What Susan said to them was this:

“I am using the Communication Formula that you’re learning in every single conversation in every single day.  At first I was terrified to acknowledge the other side during a difficult negotiation because I was afraid they would think I was agreeing with them.  But I decided to try it.  To my absolute surprise they started AGREEING WITH ME!

I LOVE it!  I started fully realizing the benefits of acknowledgements and of the whole formula as I kept using it. And that’s why I’m using it in every conversation every single day.  You will have to try it for yourself to see.  I encourage you to try it.”

The student smiled at Susan, very happy with this, and said, “I will definitely try it.”  

We were all smiling by then. 

You won’t believe it until you see the magic happen with the other person and you KNOW that you made it happen. Why should you ever believe anything you haven’t seen or experienced?

But once you see it, there’s no turning back. You know the answer to one of life‘s most persistent riddles:  How do I get this person to help me make what I want happen?

Susan is seeing this magic in every conversation, in every day.  She’s experiencing the joy of making another person suddenly smile.  She’s experiencing the joy of two people suddenly closing the distance and becoming united through understanding.  Susan is creating agreement.  She’s experiencing the joy of knowing she makes it happen.  Every conversation.  Every day.  No wonder Susan is so radiant.

It has to be done well or it won’t work. And that’s where the practice and coaching come in. People try it one way, and then another way, and through trial and error, practice and coaching, they find their groove.

Keep at it and you’ll find it.

There’s a certain kind of energy that goes with the well-delivered acknowledgment. And that energy comes from within you.

Find it and the world is yours.

Be the cause!