“I was struggling to find words.”

Vince, one of our Executive Coaching clients wrote that in an email that he sent along with the video of an extremely difficult conversation he had with a group of very unhappy individuals who felt they had experienced a great injustice.

He wanted to show us how, in an hour, this extremely distrustful group transformed into a smiling, grateful, warm, and unbelievably appreciative group of individuals who beamed at him with great friendliness.

It was remarkable to see.

Vince’s journey has been a fascinating one.  He is a deep man, a good man.

Like many who come to us for Executive Coaching, his goal was to have executive presence and polish.

Isn’t it funny that now, after his coaching, he is writing about struggling for words?  It sounds like he’s not “polished”.  You would think he didn’t achieve his goals.

Yet Vince achieved something that goes way beyond.

When you are very upset, would you rather talk to someone who is polished? Or someone who really listens to you?

The problem with “polished” is that the people who are the most “polished”, no longer seem authentic.

I watched Vince’s video.  He was most definitely emanating executive presence.  He had worked on that during his coaching sessions and it was strong.

But then he developed another set of skills in addition to that.

What you see in the video is that when Vince listened, he really listened.

Vince wrote the reason he thought he wasn’t as smooth as he might have wanted to be was because, when they were talking, he was really tuned in and listening, and not thinking about what he wanted to say.  Then it took him a moment to find his words. 

That’s beautiful.

What Vince calls struggling for words actuality came across as thoughtful.  As a result, when he found his words, they were the right words, something that’s impossible unless you’re really listening all the way through.

I watched their faces.  Each individual in this hostile group could see that Vince was listening, and that he was truly present.

So the impression was one of someone who DID have executive presence, but also someone who truly cared, someone who truly listened, someone who took the time to truly consider what you said. 

Not someone who was sitting there with a rehearsed and ready answer, but someone who treated you as important, with ideas that were worthy of being considered. 

When Vince said to them, “This is important”, it wasn’t just his words that communicated this message.  Everything about Vince said it, and they knew it was true.

Vince was above polished.  Beyond polished.

The effect on, and transformation of, this distrustful group was magical. They went from offended to deeply appreciative.  They repeated their appreciation of Vince a number of times. They really wanted Vince to know how much it meant to them. 

And it happened in one meeting.

So few people are able to do what Vince did.

There’s something wrong when people say they are “listening”, but what they’re really doing is figuring out what they want to say.

That is not listening. It’s something, but it’s not listening.

When you’re really listening, you don’t know what you want to say till after you’ve heard everything they have to say.

You don’t even think about it until they’re done. You let them finish. You stay with them. You be with them. You listen and hear them.

Then you take a moment to formulate your response.

It’s okay to be thoughtful, to take a moment to think.  It’s so much better than being polished.

Would you rather talk to someone who is polished? Or someone who truly wants to hear everything you have to say before they start thinking about their own response?

Be the cause!