Leon: “How do you talk to people who don’t want to hear it?  When I give them feedback, they immediately get defensive.”

Me: “How do you start the meeting?”

Leon: “I say:  I need to give you some feedback.” 

Me: “Any other way you start the conversation?”

Leon: “I might say:  What we’re doing isn’t working and we need to change.  Or I might say:  You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect it to work, that’s insanity.  Or I might say: “I’ve told you all this 3 times already but nothing’s happened.”

Leon: Sigh.  “I’m just so frustrated.  They’re just not open to anything.”

I know very, very, very few people you could walk up to and say any of these things to who would happily listen to you.  If you want to test how to make someone immediately defensive, just try walking up to someone and saying, “Is it okay if I give you some feedback?”

Or if you’re really feeling adventurous, you could see what happens when you say, “You know, you really need to change.”  

The only other way I know to make them even more defensive is to say, “I don’t want you to get defensive when I tell you this …”  That’s guaranteed to create an instantly defensive reaction from even the nicest person.

On the other hand, it’s pretty easy to initiate challenging meetings and difficult conversations and get them rapidly rolling in a positive direction when you understand that the most powerful human motivating force is purpose.

What does the person think your purpose is when you say, “Is it okay if I give you some feedback?”  They NEVER think they’re going to like it (except of course for that rare person who only sees the good in you).  They immediately think, “Uh-oh!  Here it comes!  I’m about to get criticized.”

People get defensive when they feel they have to defend themselves from you.  So, don’t ever give them any reason to feel that way.

How you start the conversation matters.

First, realize you need to build a GOOD BRIDGE to your topic.  Don’t scare them with your tone of voice.  Make your tone intentional, but friendly. 

The first sentence you open with must communicate a good purpose for the conversation, a purpose that uplifts and one that they will fully get behind. 

This is the most important step, and one that many people neglect.  The purpose they believe that you are approaching them with sets the stage for the whole conversation.  So, make it clear. Have and communicate a very positive purpose that enlists willingness. 

Don’t skip over this step.  Otherwise, the conversation can skid sideways fast and be very difficult to recover.

Make your purpose something you’re sincere about AND one they will agree with.  When you do this, you’re setting the stage and tone for a positive outcome.  You’ve mapped a positive route.

Any purpose you’re sincere about that they will agree with is a good purpose.  Here’s an example:

• Replace this: “We in Finance are often the last people to be brought in when you’re negotiating a sales deal.  I know it seems like a ‘downer’ to have Finance there to talk about tax implications, but you really do need to bring us in a lot sooner.”

• With this: “You put in a lot of effort to acquire new customers and close important revenue deals. I want to make sure all your deals go through with no hurdles.  If you bring Finance in much earlier in the negotiations process, we can help guarantee your success getting your deals through quickly, and also ensure that you have sustainable, long-term and profitable relationships for the future with the customers you are working so hard to acquire.

You get the idea.  It takes a little intelligence and a lot of positive intent.

A difficult meeting or conversation won’t strain you or your relationship when you communicate well.

Leon found that starting with a really great MUTUAL purpose made a huge difference.  I received this email from him a couple days after his coaching:

“I did it.  I started the meeting with a strong purpose I knew everyone would agree with.  We’ve never done that before, usually we’re too busy arguing.  Everyone agreed after I said it.  We were all in shock.  Then when I presented my ideas they were all listening. We had a great collaborative discussion.  There was no argument.  So different from what normally happens.  Afterward I got so many emails saying, ‘You are a natural.’ Funny part is, after I said it, it FELT natural.  I think because it was true.  We really did have that purpose in common, we had just never found it before. And it really brought us together.”

Taking the time to find a mutual purpose is the secret to bringing people together, no matter how difficult the conversation is.  It’s truly a super power, and one that can create outcomes most people think are impossible.

Be the cause!