Nothing changes a person faster than the way you listen to them.

One of my students, Carl, has a coworker named Marty. Marty is loud, stubborn, arrogant, and acts like he is the only one who knows the right way to do anything, whether he does or not.  Marty also says, “No” when you ask him for resources, time, help, anything.

Marty has managed to alienate just about everyone. He also talks a lot.  When he starts to talk, people leave.  If there's no escape, they endure Marty’s speeches, but always with a look of pain on their faces. 

No one has managed to get Marty to listen.  Every point they make about an issue triggers a counter-point from Marty that easily turns into an argument if they respond to it.

The problem is that Marty has influence and he can't be ignored.  People like Carl rely on him for resources and cooperation.  Marty's been there a long time, he’s knowledgeable, he’s just utterly unwilling to hear to anyone else's viewpoint. 

As Carl asked me for help, it was obvious to me that Marty was unable to receive ANY incoming communication from others – he rejected all of it.

I also knew that no one was listening to Marty. They already “knew” what he was saying was wrong, so they would shut him out the moment he started talking and not hear him. They didn't realize they were doing the exact same annoying thing to Marty that he was doing to them.

Many people make the mistake of thinking that if they’re silent and seemingly attentive when the other person’s talking, that they’re listening.  That’s not listening.  It might be waiting, it might be being polite, it might be “letting them finish”, but it’s not listening.

There's a lot of pretended listening that goes on.  People get their faces to create facial expressions to make it seem like they’re listening, but inside their minds, there’s a lot going on and they’re not REALLY listening.

The key to real listening is to not think while you're listening, to focus on simply receiving and understanding what the other person is saying. 

This means not thinking ahead, not thinking about the outcome, not formulating your response, not silently criticizing. 

It means a moment of pure understanding that you give the other person with nothing added.

That’s easy to do if they’re a nice person or you’re interested in what they have to say.  It’s much harder if you disagree or if they push your buttons.

Last week I coached Carl on listening.  He discovered a whole new way to do it. It wasn’t easy to develop this skill, the practice session with me almost killed him, but he kept going. After practicing, Carl mastered this invaluable skill.

He is now able to listen without thinking about anything else, no matter how long the other person talks.  He is interested, he is fully attentive, he feels affinity throughout, he really understands.  Carl got to the point where I couldn’t push his buttons no matter how hard I tried.  His ability to listen will now stand up to any difficult situation.

Carl was ready for Marty.

The first time Carl sat down to listen to Marty, it took a long time.  Marty talked for 40 minutes straight. He was arrogant, opinionated, pointing out everything he thought was wrong with Carl and his department. 

Most people would not have made it to the 60-second mark without wanting to stand up and head for the door.

Carl listened with no strain.  He listened intently for the full 40 minutes without noticing the time.  When he finished and Carl was still there, still interested, Marty looked very surprised.  Marty also had a new look on his face.  Marty looked very satisfied. 

It was a different kind of satisfied.  It wasn’t the “being right” kind of satisfied.  It was the “being understood” kind.

Then when Carl acknowledged Marty and let him know he really did understand, Marty looked even more surprised.  This was followed by a friendly moment of silence.  Then something happened that had never happened with Marty before.

He asked Carl what Carl thought. It was the first time Marty was not only willing to receive an incoming communication, but also the first time he invited one.  Carl and Marty had a good conversation.  They both enjoyed it.

Carl continued to have conversations with Marty over the course of the next 2 days.  Marty's monologues became shorter and shorter and shorter.  They also became less critical and accusative. They became more and more positive.  Even better, Marty became more and more interested in what Carl had to say.  Marty became cooperative.  Positive outcomes emerged.

It was all very natural, organic.

In such a short time, the situation transformed from a critical, accusative monologue with Marty rejecting everything Carl had to say, to a real 2-way conversation, a real dialogue, back-and-forth.  There was complete understanding on both sides.  That is what we call collaboration.

In 2 days their relationship completely changed.  Not only that, but Marty changed the way he relates to everyone.  It had a dramatic effect on him, just to have one person listen to him made all the difference in the world.  It truly transformed him. Marty is now pleasant, smiling and interested in what others think.  Everyone is noticing and commenting. 

Marty still has very strong opinions, but now it's possible to discuss them with him rather than debate or argue.  The struggle is gone.

This was all last week.  On Monday, Marty sent Carl an email thanking him and telling him their conversations have been “excellent” and he greatly appreciates them. 

Everyone thinks Carl is a magician.  I see a promotion for him in the near future.  Skills like these do not go unnoticed.  And they are profoundly valuable to any organization.

Many people call the skills I teach magic, and I definitely agree.

But the best part about this kind of “magic,” is that it’s completely under your power to make it happen, whenever and wherever you choose. You don’t have to “get” something from someone else to make it work. You simply have to be willing to give.

Carl gave Marty an experienced he’d never had…and that made all the difference.

Be the cause!