“Hi Ingrid,

Just wanted to let you know I’ve been promoted to VP, due in no small part to your coaching. I wanted to thank you. I’m looking forward to great things ahead.

Sincerely, Henry”

I got this email this week. It’s the email I love getting, when my clients reach for the stars in the sky and experience the powerful satisfaction of pulling one down.

I especially smiled big on this one. I remembered how it all started.

Tom, an SVP, that I’m coaching, told me,

“I have someone reporting to me that I want to send to you. I want to promote him to VP but let me tell you what’s happening.  Henry’s been with the company for over 20 years and deserves to be a VP.  He rubbed me the wrong way when I first met him, but then I saw what a good job he does. He’s really good at getting business results.  I talked to the Executive Vice President but he nixed Henry’s promotion to VP because of his communication skills – he spent 20 minutes talking about how terrible they are. Henry has no executive presence, he rubs a lot of people the wrong way, he thinks he knows everything, he’s smug, dismissive, he interrupts, he’s always rolling his eyes when others offer up their ideas.  He shows up for virtual meetings in shorts, tank top and bare feet.  He leans back in his chair when others are talking and looks totally disinterested and even disgusted.  It’s hard enough to become a VP in this company, but Henry really has the deck stacked against him.  I want you to help him if he’s willing.”

The first time I met Henry, he said, “I’m open to trying your coaching, but I gotta warn you - this is not going to be easy. I’ve had coaching before, and I hated it. They keep trying to change me and I’ve got to be me. I don’t know how you’re gonna do it. I am me and I don’t want to be anybody else and I’ve gone through life feeling like if they don’t like it, it’s their problem.” 

I loved him right away. I’ve met so many people who are trying “to fit in”. They’re adjusting themselves to the society around them. Trying to figure out what they need to do, what they need to change about themselves to be acceptable. How to dress, how to talk, what words to use, what to say, what not to say.

I’ve met too many people who have no personality left. It’s been sanitized out of existence.

I’ve met people who are afraid to speak up and are way too quiet. They say way less than they should. I’ve met people who are always apologizing for what they think and who they are (“I’m so sorry I feel this way …”).  I’ve met too many who are filled with self-doubt, trying to figure out “what’s wrong with me”.

And I’ve met too many “corporate professionals” who have learned to say and do all the right things, and then wonder where the satisfaction is in life.

Henry didn’t let the outside word world influence him at all. If he thought you needed to know something, he just told you. If he wasn’t interested, he didn’t pretend. If you were talking too much, he let you know. If he thought you were stupid, he let you know that real fast. If he thought the meeting was done, he said so and left.

Henry got things done.  But in a very politically correct, polite, conservative corporate environment, he was constantly rubbing people the wrong way. He was crude, blunt, direct.

People fell into two camps. Either they loved him or they hated him. The people below him loved him. The people above him were in the other camp.

What I saw was a man to whom personal integrity was sacred, who intensely cared about the right thing being done and who wanted to get the people standing in the way or doing nothing out of the way. 

I saw a man who passionately cared about the company and its future in a way that few people do, who had tremendous loyalty, who had been there longer than the people above and below him, who believed the people above him would be long gone in a few years and he would still be there.

I saw a fiercely loyal man, a fiercely intelligent man who demanded intelligence from others, and was unable to tolerate stupidity. A man who didn’t compromise in order to make himself acceptable to others. A man to whom getting things done was more important than being liked. A man who didn’t care if the idiots didn’t like him. He figured the smart ones would and he didn’t have time for the idiots.

I also got the feeling of a man who would never let you down, who would always be there for you. If you needed help, Henry would be the first one to show up, you wouldn’t even have to ask.  This is the man that if you started to drown, would be the first one to jump in the water to save your life. But if you were drowning in your own stupidity, he was just going to stay on the beach and laugh.

This all turned out to be true about Henry.

What people were objecting to about Henry were actually two things. One was the fact that his communication was extremely rough. And the second one was his style.

I never coach a person on their style. Your style is unique, it’s your artistic creation of who you are. To me, it is sacred.  If anything, my favorite point in coaching is when a person’s style fully emerges and who they are really are rises up in full, and totally unique, glory. 

When Henry said to me, “I like myself! I don’t know if I want to change anything about myself.”, I said, “We’re not going to change anything about you, Henry. Who you are is perfect. I’m going to teach you things about communication and you’re going to decide what you think about them and what you want to do. I’m not here to make you ‘a good boy’.”

I don’t know what it was about the words “a good boy”, but they made Henry laugh hard for five minutes straight. Apparently everyone’s been trying to make Henry ‘a good boy’ for most of his life. 

They missed seeing all his goodness.  Due in no small part to the way Henry communicated.

I showed Henry how communication works.  I showed him the difference between talking and communicating.  I showed him a Communication Formula that’s based on natural laws, a formula that always works and leads to agreements and outcomes that you’re happy with, outcomes that the other person’s also happy with, that creates very good feelings between you and the other person, and that results in exceptional relationships. It’s a lot to ask from one formula, but this one delivers.

It doesn’t matter what your “communication style” is when you use this formula. I’ve taught it in 53 countries and you can imagine the number of styles I’ve seen.  It’s worked with all of them.

Henry questioned everything. He started many sentences with, “Well, let me tell you the way I do it….”

I followed Henry’s reasoning for being blunt and rough and replied, “I totally get what you’re doing, and I get why you’re doing it that way, it makes total sense to me.”

Henry said, “Do you think I’m wrong?”

I asked, “Are you getting the outcome you want?”

Henry said, “Well, I get my point across.”

I said, “I can see that.  Are you happy with that?”

Henry said, “I’m happy I got it across.”

I said, “That’s good.”

Silence.

Henry said, “They’re not happy about it.”

I said, “Do you care about that?”

Henry said, “No.”

I shrugged and said, “Okay then.”

Friendly silence, both of us smiling.

Henry said, “Well, what should I be doing?”

I said, “Well, what do you want?”

Henry said, “Is there a way for me to totally be myself and get my point across where I wouldn’t rub them the wrong way?  There isn’t one, is there?”

So I showed him how the Communication Formula works and how it applies to actual situations Henry was in. We didn’t talk about Henry’s style.

Henry said, “I hate to admit it, but I think this might make some sense.  I could try it and see how it feels.  I don’t know if it will make any difference in whether people respond differently.”

I said, “Whatever you want to do, Henry.”

Henry laughed and started trying new things.  His way.  And trust me when I say:  there’s no one like Henry. His way is unique.

Transformation was immediate. 

Henry came back after his first coaching session and said to me, “You would be very proud of me.” I said, “Why, what did you do?” He said, “I’ve started to sit up straight in my meetings.”

I said, “Wow! How do you feel about that?”  Henry said, “My back hurts.”  I said, “That’s not good.”

Henry laughed and said, “It’s okay.  I got a pillow.  Now it doesn’t hurt anymore.” I asked him, “So what do you think?”  He said, “I like it. I feel like I am more ‘there’. Everyone looked surprised and that was fun.  I hate to say it, but I think the meeting went better, was more productive and had a more positive note. Better outcome.” 

I had never mentioned sitting up straight. It’s not actually part of the Communication Formula. Being there definitely IS part of the Formula, sitting up straight is something Henry figured out on his own.

As the coaching went along, I showed Henry screenshots of himself, videos of himself.  I didn’t tell him what I thought, I just kept showing him and letting him decide. 

We practiced, I coached, I taught, I instructed, I demonstrated a million different ways to apply the Communication Formula. And I always left it up to him, whatever he wanted to do about it. It was always his choice. There was never any “supposed to” from me. I just kept telling him, “I think you’re perfect, do what you want. This is how communication works. You decide what you want to do about it.”

And so it went. With Henry deciding to, and then mastering, each of the principles of extraordinary communication found in the Communication Formula. All his decision, all Henry’s way.

I can’t even explain the change that happened in Henry. It was absolutely dramatic. But so very hard to describe. He is as blunt, as direct, as ever. That has not changed. If anything, Henry is even MORE blunt. He is politically not correct. He says outrageous things no one else would ever say (even if they’re thinking it, LOL!).

The things Henry says are not unkind. They’re just so truthful, they’re outrageous. That much truth can be outrageous.

Except there’s one huge difference. Instead of offending people, Henry is charming them with his complete sincerity, he’s endearing, they trust him, and he would hate hearing me say this, but Henry is also absolutely lovable.  

The other thing that has emerged, and this emerged in full force, is Henry’s sense of humor. I have never laughed so hard in my coaching sessions as I have with Henry. There with him, I am often completely doubled over, and I laugh so hard, my stomach hurts. And then I’m laughing for weeks after a coaching session, remembering what he said. And when I tell other people things Henry said, they can’t stop laughing either.

Henry is himself. Fully, truly, completely, utterly himself.

The Communication Formula doesn’t care about your style. And neither do I. The Communication Formula demands certain things of you. But changing who you are is not one of them.  Who you are and your style, that is yours. And that is sacred.

There are some changes about Henry that are noticeable. You might call them style. Henry would call it “personal growth”. He is sitting up straight and even leaning in a little. He now looks very interested when others are speaking.  He really understands others and makes them feel understood. He’s not wearing tank tops, he’s wearing shirts. His hair looks fabulous. His camera presence is dramatically improved, but all on his determination, his decision, not because anyone else “wants him to”.  

I have tears in my eyes as I’m writing this, because Henry is one of the most beautiful men I have ever met in my life and knowing him has enriched my own life beyond words. I love this man. The world needs more like him.

Henry was not made to “fit in.” And neither were you.

But there’s a difference between being unique and knowing how to leverage that to be effective, powerful, and causative.

That requires something extra, a way to use your unique qualities to your advantage, rather than having them be obstacles to your success.

That is the role that is served by the Communication Formula. It is like a bridge. It allows what is uniquely you to be delivered to the world in a way that gives you control over your reality.

I didn’t change who Henry is. Not one bit. What I did do is help him build a “bridge” so he can use his unique style to completely transform his world.

Be the cause!