I was coaching Vanessa, a higher-level executive, on her presentations.  Every one of her sentences was tortured. Before she spoke, her face screwed up, concentrating really hard. 

She would blurt something out and say it way too fast.  Then she would look at me to see if I believed it.

I asked Vanessa, “What’s going on?”

Her answer:

“I’ve been given feedback on being too direct.  I’ve also been given feedback I need to develop an executive presence.  I’ve been told I need to get my message across, but in a way everyone can hear it, but not too direct.  I’ve also been told I need to not get lost in the details, but to paint the big picture.” 

“So, I’m trying to do all that.”

Okay, well that’s enough “feedback” to kill anybody.

She had completely lost sight of what she was trying to say.

I give feedback all day long. And all day long I hear about all the feedback everyone is getting from everyone else.

Most of it is useless. Not that they don’t have a point. There’s usually something there that could be improved.

It’s just that the person who’s giving feedback presents the incorrect focus for improvement along with a confusing solution that can’t be implemented.

Many of my clients who work in large corporations treat all feedback like a sacred command to stop everything and immediately obey. 

So now the person is burdened with a strange mandate to change, and the feeling that the way they are, who they are, is all wrong. This strangles people. Chokes them. It makes them worried about how they’re coming across.  It makes them unable to communicate. Words get stuck in their throat.

I have some clients who were chronically anticipating and worried about the feedback they might get (they hadn’t even gotten it yet).  They were so CAREFUL not to say anything that would trigger that feedback.  They couldn’t even talk.

I’ve had too many clients believe the feedback they’ve gotten even more than they believe their own selves.

Just about everyone I’ve coached has given me a story about feedback they’ve gotten that was horrendous and stayed with them like a wound that doesn’t heal.

They think, “Something’s wrong with me and I don’t know what.”

This kind feedback is really unhelpful.

Much of the feedback that I hear can be thrown in the “discard” bin.  It doesn’t mean there’s nothing there to improve - there probably is.  But you’ll get tangled up in knots if you accept all feedback at face value.

I judge my own feedback to others by the brightness in their eyes after I’ve conveyed it.  If their eyes go dull, I’ve taken life out of them.  If their eyes get brighter and they look happier and more confident, if they’re eager to try something new, I’ve done my job. My job is to bring more life to them. 

Here’s what I know: 

You have an innate ability to communicate once you really understand the subject of communication.

All feedback should put you in contact with your innate ability.  It should make you feel brighter.  It should make you feel more confident.  It should make you enthusiastic with possibility.  It should make you feel powerful.

I’m going to give you a tip. Any feedback you get that makes you feel bad about yourself is off the mark.  So is any feedback that makes you feel you’re not good at something.

The worst is any feedback that makes you go around in your head for more than seven seconds wondering what’s wrong with you.  Even seven seconds is too much.  Any feedback that makes you wonder, even for a split second, what is wrong with you is worthless feedback.  

Included in this list is any feedback that makes you feel you can’t do it.  And any feedback that makes you feel you’re not as good as someone else.  Or that you’re not measuring up.  Or that it’s beyond reach. 

That type of useless feedback is not tapping into your innate abilities. That’s where the truth can be found…in those abilities. And it’s a bigger truth than any lousy feedback could capture. 

Feedback that helps you tap into your innate abilities is showing you a path to truth.  The road to glory.

Just recognize that most people don’t know how to give feedback.  When someone gives you “feedback” that confuses you, realize there’s something that might not be quite right that you should take a look at. 

But if their feedback doesn’t make you feel immediately brighter and more enthusiastic, more confident and powerful, with a clear and HELPFUL new sense of direction, then use your own powers of observation and discernment, understanding and knowledge to sort out what it might be and what you could do to improve.  

Or get a good coach to rescue you from the morass of confusion lousy feedback generates.

Going back to Vanessa, I said, “Let’s just ignore all that feedback for now.” 

I coached her on being intentional, clear and having tremendously high affinity and genuine warmth for her audience.  Just those points for now.  One at a time.  Master one, then the next.

With that specific feedback and coaching, Vanessa easily tapped into her innate abilities and accomplished everything the earlier misguided feedback failed to get her to accomplish.  She hit it out of the park.  Everyone loves her.  They actually think she’s perfect now (their words, not mine).  They think she’s a strong leader with great empathy – and tremendous executive presence.  Mission accomplished.  Glory days ahead.

If you’re being pecked to death by feedback, do assume they are just trying to help (most people are) and go ahead and thank them.

Just make sure you don’t let go of your own truth.  That’s the one to go with.

Be the cause!