Over the past few weeks, I’ve been writing a series about what real listening and acknowledgements are all about.  The emails I’m getting from readers as they put these ideas into action are nothing short of celebrations.

 I’m also still getting emails from people who think the reason I recommend this approach is because it “works”.  Well, it does “work”. But I want to give new definition to what “works” means.

“Works” to most people means getting the outcome they want.  

My definition of “works” is simple.  “Works” means I’ve reached a tremendous understanding between me and the other person.

Yes, I am outcome-driven and others are never misled or unclear about the outcome I want. 

But what I MOST want from a conversation or meeting is a real depth of understanding to flow between us. 

I simply believe in and value the magic of understanding.  It’s what drives me.  When that happens, the outcome takes on a life of its own and it’s always good.

But my definition of understanding is frequently much deeper than most people’s.

I’ve heard others say, “We understand each other, we just don’t agree.”  But I can tell from their tone that they’re missing that great feeling REAL understanding brings.  They haven’t gotten the other person to fully understand them and they don’t understand the other person sufficiently to feel REALLY good. Real understanding results in feeling REALLY good.  You can check your own feelings to see how good you feel.

Agreement is a byproduct of incredible understanding. The outcome you achieve is also a byproduct of understanding.  When you know this, you can focus on making happen what’s really important.

And then you can create profoundly excellent, beautiful communication between you and the other person that results in real understanding.

That is such a beautiful outcome in its own right.  The outcome before the outcome.

Yes, it’s true that when you have another person thus engaged, you can persuade them.  Their minds are open.  And so is yours.  And so, good outcomes happen.

When you step back and study the natural laws that apply to all human beings, to all humanity, it becomes clear that what really creates agreement is the depth of understanding you create.

I see often how people distract others from really understanding them.   They’re filled with anxiety, they’re tense, uncomfortable.  They overwhelm others with details.  They’re demanding, forceful, their affinity is too low.  They’re not clear.  They’re not listening so no one listens to them.  They’re not acknowledging others’ point of view and so others get resentful.

I don’t have room in one article to list all the mistakes people make.  They are TRYING to be understood.  They are TRYING to understand.  But unknowingly they put barriers in their own path and then don’t know how to overcome them.

They stop SHORT of achieving the depth of understanding I’m talking about.  And then they’re unhappy about the “outcome”.

When you really learn how to express yourself, and how to respond extremely well to what others say, they relax and begin to understand you, they become open.  It looks like a miracle.  It is.

This week try this:  Pick a conversation.  Go for a deeper level of understanding.  Make THAT your “outcome”.  Wait for the magic.

Tell me about it.

Next week I’m going to tell you a story of something people said “couldn’t be done.”  And it was.  Way better than expected.  With understanding. 

Be the cause!