I was facing a group of five vice presidents from a major corporation in Silicon Valley. They’d come to my training center in Emeryville because their boss, an SVP, loved the Transformative Presentation Skills workshop and wanted them to learn what he had.

They’re in a tough industry, a ruthlessly competitive market in Silicon Valley where it takes unrelenting achievement to survive, where you’re publicly and brutally measured, evaluated, and tossed out in a heap of failure if you’re not brilliant every quarter of the year.

It’s a tough way to live, it’s tough to succeed, it’s tough to make it to VP, and only the tough survive.

I was facing five tough guys, all men. It was the morning of the first day, we really didn’t know each other yet, and we were on the early part of the workshop where I teach them how to connect with their audience.

I could see there was no problem with four of them. But the fifth, Kurt, was arrogant beyond a tolerable limit. He had hard-core business results to back him up, no one could argue that. I could see that his uncompromising arrogance enabled him to dominate others and I had no doubt that he felt that dominating others had been a key to his success.

Was I supposed to take that away from him?

Kurt’s arrogance limited his ability to communicate effectively. There’s no way he could have connected with the people in his audience with this approach. His audience might have admired and respected him, but they would never feel a real personal connection with him, he would never really move them.

I had pretty good certainty that either no one had successfully given him feedback on how he came across, or that he’d gotten feedback about being arrogant and chose to ignore it.

Everyone in the group clearly saw it and I could tell they were watching to see how I would handle it.

The first thing I did was look past the arrogance and see if I could see the man behind it.

The second was to find things to like about Kurt because I believe if I don’t genuinely care about someone, I don’t have the right to teach or coach them. I found myself admiring his self-confidence, his total certainty and complete lack of fear.

The third thing I did was remind myself that my job is to honor my students’ goals, not mine.

Kurt came up to the front of the room when it was his time for coaching. I stood pretty close to him so he would feel I was really there for him.  I actually felt some love for him.  And I asked him, “Before I coach you I want to check something. Is it your goal to be arrogant?”  I genuinely wanted to know.

Kurt looked completely startled and the other VP’s looked like they wanted to vanish.

He put his big hands on his hips, puffed up to twice his size, loomed over me and with a fair amount of challenge and harsh antagonism asked me, “Are you saying I’m arrogant?”

I gently said, “Yes.”

Very aggressively he asked me, “Exactly what do you mean by arrogant?”

I have a very large dictionary in the training room, pulled it out and read him the definition.  It was not flattering.

He looked deep into my eyes. I could tell he was searching for my motive. All he could find in my eyes was what I was feeling at that moment - genuine and overwhelming caring about him.

I said to him, “If your goal is to be arrogant, you have achieved it. I’m here to help you achieve your goals. I just want to know what they are. I can help you connect with your audience, but only if that’s your goal.”

He held my gaze, assessing me.  I could feel the tension the other four VPs were experiencing.  I don’t think they were breathing.

I was really there for him, and I know it showed just in the way I looked at him. I was feeling tremendous caring, love even, and whatever his goals were, they were okay with me and I would help him achieve them.

I could see there and then Kurt made a decision to trust me. I could see it in his eyes. Everything pivoted on that one moment.

Kurt completely changed, the arrogance evaporated, he looked at me calm and straight and said with great genuineness, “I’ve never really been able to connect with anyone.”

I said, “I understand” and then asked, “Would you like to?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Okay, I’ll teach you how.”

You could suddenly hear the four VP’s let out a big simultaneous breath of relief. I mean, you could actually hear it.

Kurt completely dropped the arrogant veneer and learned how to fully connect with others.  Nothing diminished his power or intention. Boy is he strong, powerful. That is completely preserved.

But the wall of arrogance that created a barrier between him and everyone else is now gone.

If you can imagine what a powerful presenter he is now, you might get a sense of how he blows people away in a way that never happened before.

Many people ask me how to give feedback. It’s something I do on a daily basis, so let me tell you what I’ve learned about it.

I don’t have an infinity of time to help someone accomplish major change. Often I only have two days and, since we’re starting as total strangers, there’s not a lot of time to warm up.

So I am very direct. I can’t afford the luxury of gradually leading up to something.

If they don’t trust me, I have nothing. I have to build sky-high trust very quickly.  This is directly determined by what they tangibly experience regarding how I feel about them.

Very often I see others giving each other feedback when what they’re feeling is irritated and disapproving. Disapproval leaks into your eyes, your tone of voice, all of your body language and stabs at trust like a knife to the heart. It’s never what I’m feeling.

I understand them. I don’t disapprove of them, I understand them.

I care about them. I care way more than you’re supposed to in a sterile corporate setting. You never hear the word love used in a large corporation, but that is precisely what I experience when I’m coaching someone. I find there’s a tremendous amount to love about people and you can find it pretty quickly if you look. I may not say it, but it’s what I’m feeling.

People spend a lot of time thinking.  I find that what you’re feeling for the other person is what creates or blocks trust, what creates or blocks the building of a strong bond between you and another person.  That’s just one reason why the absence of fear is so important.

I always align my coaching to their goals. I can suggest goals to them because often their goals fall short of what they’re really capable of. But ultimately I am there to help them achieve their purpose. Their purpose is my North star. I find their willingness to learn anything hinges on whether or not I am aligned with their purpose.  It’s my job to align with their purpose, not theirs to align with mine.

I’m also experienced and skilled enough that I know what feedback to give them and how to get them, step by gradual step, to achieve the heights buried in their dreams.

I don’t believe I give another person skills. I believe the power resides within them already and all I’m doing is encouraging, showing the path, re-familiarizing them, and leading their own powers out. This is the true definition of education, which comes from the Latin educere “bring out, lead forth,” from ex- “out” + ducere “to lead.”

I find that, with these principles, people are not only very open to my coaching, but eager for it.

Kurt is as powerful as ever, even more so. His ability to forge a deep connection whether with 3 people or 3,000 is extraordinary. The relationships he’s formed since the training have changed his life.  He always had it in him. And it was my honor to help him bring it out.

I’m sure there’s someone in your life you need to give feedback to, to help them change, to improve your relationship, to help them.  Done well, you can change their life.

Be the cause!