“I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate our conversations. It’s an honor to work for you.”

This is what Ann told Patrick after their third conversation. It might seem like a natural thing to say to a very good manager. But let me fill you in on the actual context.

Patrick is a Vice President. Ann was a Senior Director reporting to him and she wasn’t cutting it.  Ann had been promoted prematurely, wasn’t qualified and was falling short on key projects.

Patrick would never have put Ann in her role, would never have promoted her to a senior level. Patrick had inherited Ann from previous VPs and others who continuously promoted Ann, despite the fact that her results were always sketchy at best.  She had never been held accountable.  Now it was Patrick’s problem as he took over as her new VP.

After his initial assessment, Patrick’s three conversations with Ann were intense. The first was when he told her he was demoting her from Senior Director to “Individual Contributor”. 

“Individual Contributor” is a nice term that is used to mean no one reports to you.  When college grads are hired into a large corporation, they’re hired as Individual Contributors before their career begins to move them toward the first step up the corporate ladder. In other words, it was a serious demotion for Ann.

Patrick told me, “I walked in to our first conversation prepared. I knew it was going to be a tough conversation and I walked in ready for it.”

It would have been very different even one month ago.  Patrick would have confronted Ann with the blunt facts of the situation, very directly, a very “no nonsense” approach, a very “deal with it and let’s move on” kind of attitude.  And Patrick would have gotten a very different reaction and a very different employee.

What was really different for Patrick this time was that he used a Communication Formula that always produces four results.  Being causative means you’re able to produce all four in every conversation:

1. A great understanding between you and the other person;

2. A very good feeling between the two of you;

3. Outcomes you’re both very happy with;

4. An exceptional relationship.

There are two elements of the Communication Formula that Patrick particularly focused on.  The first was affinity. And the second was acknowledgment.

Acknowledgment is something many people think they do, but they’re not doing it well enough to produce extraordinary results. Patrick did it very well.

He laid out the facts with affinity. He could see the shock in Ann’s face, and he knew it was time to listen. He never spoke again in that conversation, beyond that point, except to acknowledge Ann whenever she paused as she talked.  And talked.  And talked.

Patrick listened.  And listened.  And listened.

What was remarkable is what Patrick DIDN’T do:

• He didn’t get defensive

• He didn’t justify the demotion by overwhelming Ann with her flaws

• He didn’t get firm and forceful

• He didn’t tell her she should have been demoted long ago or never promoted

• And, most importantly, he didn’t stop caring about her.

What Patrick DID do was even more remarkable:

• He took full responsibility for the effect his news created on her

• He was totally willing for her to take as long as she needed to adjust to the news

• The look in his eyes and everything about his manner communicated, “I am here for you.”

• He cared about her

Whenever Ann was silent, Patrick let her know he really did understand what she was saying.  He said a number of things that demonstrated his sensitivity and genuine understanding.  His tone was sincere because Patrick was sincere.

The first meeting ended with Ann needing time to think about it, an outcome very much to be expected.

Patrick set up the next meeting with Ann and again spent most of it listening and acknowledging. In this meeting Ann tried to persuade Patrick to change his mind.  Patrick listened to the points she made with sincere interest.  Again, he didn’t defend his position, he simply cared about her, listened to her and let her know that he understood. Ann could tell the decision was firm. He didn’t need to make her feel bad by spelling it out any more.  That would have just been rubbing it in.

Patrick arranged a third conversation, and by this time, Ann was coming to grips with it.  She was starting to talk through possibilities of how she could make this work. Patrick didn’t interrupt her with his ideas, he let hers develop. He listened, he encouraged, and he really acknowledged.

Gradually, Ann, as she talked, came to see Patrick‘s point. She came to the realization, “I do see why you made this decision.  I can see how it was the right one.” Ann paused and then, “You know what’s funny? I wasn’t really even happy in that role.” And gave Patrick a little smile.

Ann had turned the corner and was finally ready to move on.  She started talking about how she actually might enjoy the Individual Contributor role because it was more creative.  She said she appreciated the path forward that Patrick had laid out for her as the way to regain a higher level position in the future. She was happy it wasn’t closed off to her. 

They talked more about the Individual Contributor role and what was expected.  Patrick built on her ideas.  And added accountability.

She knew Patrick was going to be a tough boss, but one who cared about her and would help her win.  She knew it was up to her, but that he had her back.

Ann left that meeting feeling like it wasn’t such a loss and she might be able to even thrive in her new role after all. They were both smiling as the third meeting ended. Not huge smiles, but smiles.

At the beginning of the fourth meeting is when Ann said, “It’s an honor to work for you.”

The most interesting thing about this entire story, the most vital, the most important, the most relevant point is something that most people miss:

There is no doubt Ann transformed during these conversations. We’re talking about a complete transformation where she went from a sufferingly huge blind spot to achieving a high point of self-awareness and responsibility. Possibly for the first time in her life.

But Ann transformed while SHE was talking, not while Patrick was talking. Most people think they need to keep talking to get the other person to change. Maybe it can happen. Maybe.

Transformation is a process. It’s frequently made AFTER you’ve made your point, as the OTHER person talks it through. WHILE they are talking.

However, and this is a BIG however, in order for the other person to effectively talk it through, they need a really good listener on the other end. A listener who makes them feel safe. They need to feel very safe to be able to take a good hard look at themselves.

It’s only when you have an extremely good listener that you can really talk anything through. And when you have such a listener, who understands and acknowledges you, you can really take a look at yourself and use what you see to rise to new heights.

Patrick was thrilled when he came back to our coaching session to tell me about it. He was happy because Ann has the potential to create great value and satisfaction as an Individual Contributor. She could have gotten bitter and left the department or even the company, which is what usually happens after conversations like this. That would have been a loss.

I know many VP’s would just shake their heads at the Ann’s of the world. They would sigh, and just say, “Oh well” and write the person off.  Patrick transformed a really bad situation into something really great.

This ability to transform another person is way beyond most people’s abilities.  But it becomes natural when you know how.

What Patrick did was not luck. It was not a result achieved by chance. He developed a deep understanding of how communication really works and he acquired the necessary skills to put that understanding into practice.

The net result is an alignment of mind and heart so you naturally know the right things to say, you naturally know how to be, and you naturally know what to do.

Those are the building blocks of creating extraordinary outcomes at will.

Be the cause!