I come from a very passionate family.  We speak in superlatives. My father and sister were both highly successful trial attorneys. They know how to debate and defeat opponents.  We are all opinionated (even about the weather) and much of the time our opinions don’t coincide.  We are not quiet or shy and are happy to speak our mind.

And no one ever admits they’re wrong.  

You need to know that we love each other fiercely, with a loyalty that knows no bounds.  Lack of love was not the problem.  We are loaded with it.  We’re just a high voltage family.

The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays.  I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.

From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly.  Never.  It was not always the same person, we would rotate.

We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.

Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do.  If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.

That’s how it used to be. And then I learned the communication skills I now teach.  They changed my life, which is why immediately after learning them myself, I decided I wanted to make a career teaching them.

For the first time ever, we started having holiday dinners where we sailed smoothly through rough seas, arriving safely in sunny ports. But I was the youngest in the family, so no one was going to take a class from me even though I was the only one who had the skills.

And that was enough to transform the entire experience, for everyone.  Never again did anyone leave the table crying.  Never again.

The big thing I learned that helped me with my family is the difference between understanding and agreement.  There’s no way we were going to agree with each other on the many things we talked about.   If I liked the opera Carmen, my sister was going to say it was boring.  If I kissed my cat, my father was going to tell me I was going to get an incurable disease.  If my sister said she liked Zumba, my mother would say Yoga was better.  And did I mention we took sides?

That’s why the difference between understanding and agreement is so important. Agreement means to have the same opinion.  Understand simply means to perceive clearly. To understand means to see it from their point of view.  You don’t have to agree to understand.

The mistake I was making, that many people make, is that when I didn’t agree, I refused to understand.  This destroys communication.

I learned to understand the other person independent of whether I agreed, and ESPECIALLY when I didn’t agree.  I learned to fully, completely, really see it from their point of view.

I also learned, and this is key, to let them know I understood their point of view, whether or not I agreed to take it on myself. I learned to acknowledge them every time they spoke.

It was amazing.  Understanding and acknowledgement calmed the raging seas.  It had an immediate effect.

Genuinely, with sincerity, letting each of them know I fully understood what they were saying, was all it took. They were satisfied I understood and then I voiced my own opinion.  Instead of a fight, they asked me to pass the turkey and the conversation continued on a high note.

In the beginning, I was the only one acknowledging.  But it was interesting because they very quickly started to acknowledge me, and then each other.  Naturally, organically.  Without my ever pointing it out. This created an unbelievable harmony.

This was such a breakthrough. It allowed us to experience all the love we genuinely have for each other without any of the upset.

I’m writing you this just in case you have some tense family situations come up in the holidays, where someone takes offense at something that’s said.  I can’t imagine your family could be as intensely challenging as mine, but I’m telling you this because it might be helpful to you. 

If it does get tense, step back and look at it from their point of view.  Acknowledge them, let them know you really understand.  Keep your own point of view, but acknowledge that you really understand everything they say throughout the conversation, and watch the magic happen.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays ahead!  I hope your holiday is full of love, good food, and everything that makes you happy and nourishes your heart and soul completely!

Be the cause!