“I’m the one who held back your promotion because I don’t think you have sufficient executive presence to be promoted to VP.”

I was helping Fred prepare for an upcoming one-on-one with the Executive Vice President, Olga, who was going to say these very words to him.  Fred was there to change her mind.

We were practicing acknowledging the difficult things Olga would be telling him.  Fred had earned some tough feedback and now had to pay the price of hearing it.

Even in the best of circumstances, Olga made Fred defensive.  His hot buttons were triggered quickly.  In past conversations, Fred’s strategy for getting Olga to change her mind was to overwhelm her with reasons she was wrong.  But that didn’t work.  It made Olga like him even less.

Fred and I were practicing navigating this upcoming conversation to get not just a good, but an extraordinary, outcome and to achieve the impossible: to build an exceptional relationship with Olga, something very few people had ever achieved.

As Fred practiced acknowledging the piercing statements Olga would be making, I pointed out to Fred that his acknowledgements came across very reluctantly … and Fred just about shouted: 

“Absolutely! I AM reluctant! Absolutely! I don’t WANT to acknowledge her when she’s WRONG!”

Acknowledgements have nothing to do with right and wrong.  They simply communicate understanding.  They don’t need to have anything to do with agreement. 

We had to go over the difference between understanding and agreeing 6 times before the difference sunk in. 

Fred did NOT want to acknowledge that he understood Olga if he did NOT agree with what she just said.  He didn’t even WANT to understand.  What he wanted was to IMMEDIATELY (and LOUDLY) express his viewpoint to make her retract her statement.

This never works.

You have to decouple understanding and agreement.  Most people withhold their understanding when they don’t agree.  That’s a fast road to trouble.

You are never required to agree.  There’s always the matter of your own integrity, and agreement is simply never required.

You ARE required to understand.  Understand means simply to see it from their viewpoint, to really get it, to see it through their eyes.

You cannot withhold your understanding when you disagree, and then hope for success.

Understanding has no judgement, it’s simply understanding.  Agree and disagree are judgments.

You’re SUPPOSED to evaluate situations to see if you agree with them.  It’s a GOOD thing to judge whether or not you agree.  How else can you make any decisions?

However, you must ALSO fully understand.  Most people skip this step completely, the one of understanding, and they leap directly into expressing disagreement when they don’t agree.  Especially when “hot buttons” are triggered. 

You’ll always find that, in “difficult” or “conflict” situations, there’s much less understanding than in situations that are going well.

It takes strength to keep your understanding at a high level.  It takes character.  It takes a decision.  Most of all, it takes SKILL.

We’ve not been taught how to do this, which is why many people don’t do it well.

After our rather intensive practice session, Fred’s acknowledgements were PERFECT. He had done the work to achieve flawless precision.  (Yes, it was very intensive practice and coaching – think of it as a “Communications Gym” with a Personal Trainer type of coaching).

I said the same thing, “I’m the one who held back your promotion because I don’t think you have sufficient executive presence to be promoted to VP.”

Fred listened very intently.  With a sincerity that was disarming.

Then, very simply, very calmly, Fred looked into my eyes, and with even a little friendliness said, “I really understand.”

Suddenly, he had executive presence.  It was powerful.  Completely disarming.  A compassionate leader. 

Now, you may think that I toned down Fred’s personality, or made him subdued. Au contraire, my friend!  Au contraire!

Fred had been set free.  He was NOW free to express his viewpoint.  And know it would be heard.

I really just helped Fred direct his passionate energy differently. He had been concentrating his energy to attack. This made him unwelcome at the senior executive strata.

I showed Fred how to channel his very powerful, very dynamic, energy and LARGE personality into an equally large charisma.  To use the same energy to be compelling.

We toned down nothing.

The last thing you need is someone toning you down.  Or showing you how to be “acceptable”.

Be as big as you are.  AND be effective.

Be the cause!