“You have to be willing to fight for what you want.”

And Beatriz was only too willing.

However, no one she worked with, including her boss, was in the mood for a fight. They had started running the other way when they saw her coming.

Beatriz‘s response was, “If you’re not getting what you want, you need to fight harder.”

She came to me for coaching because this strategy was failing her. Beatriz had run out of ammunition, but didn’t want to surrender.

Beatriz was stuck, like a fly to flypaper, to a number of false ideas that kept her pinned outside the world she wanted to live in.

She wanted to get along with people.  She wanted to be recognized for her good ideas.  She wanted to be perceived as a strong leader.  She wanted to be admired and valued for her strength, passion, determination and intelligence.

Instead, Beatriz was viewed as an overly righteous, belligerent and rather annoying warrior, outside of time and place in the corporate world where cooperation, collaboration and the ability to capture the imagination of the people around you fuel enthusiasm for your ideas and propel progress.

Beatriz was stuck there because of a completely missing education in communication. Not surprising.  Most of the world is in the same boat.  And so they invent their own “unusual solutions” to a missing operating manual for one of the most vital functions of life and humanity:

Communication.

The problem we all face is that we’re trying to get things done, and we’re in the position where other people need to agree with us in order to make it happen.

When what they THINK is “communication” doesn’t work, even smart people try something else. That something else almost always lands them in trouble.

For Beatriz that something else was fighting. For Sam it was manipulating. For Jill it was biding her time and waiting for the right moment, which condemned her to a lifetime of waiting. For George it was figuring out “how to go around people” which irritated them no end.  For Ann it was keeping her head down, doing a good job and hoping she would be noticed, which left her permanently invisible.  For Andy it was kissing up to the boss.  For Ganesh it was becoming arrogant and doing everything with a ridiculous swagger, which made everyone roll their eyes.  You get the idea.

When “communication” isn’t working, even smart people do something else.

I don’t even know if it’s fair to say Beatriz was “making people defensive”. Look around you. In the world today, people often ARE defensive. You don’t have to MAKE them defensive. They come INTO the conversation defensive. You can make them MORE defensive, but then you’re only continuing what was already begun, traveling on a fast road to nowhere.

The problem is that people don’t understand what communication IS.

Real communication is disarming.

Beatriz had never asked herself the question (mainly because she didn’t know the answer): “Now, do I want to put you on guard? Or do I want to disarm you?”

Disarm means you decide you don’t need to be armed, don’t need to defend yourself against Beatriz, and so you put your arms down.  It’s step #1 for trust.

Beatriz needed them to put their arms down.

What was Beatriz missing?  Knowledge.

The ability to disarm is a powerful and very practical ability.

It’s a universal phenomenon that people don’t want to talk to someone who wants to “convince” or “persuade” them.  It triggers a very natural human reaction of defensiveness.

People DO want to understand others.  They DO want to understand you IF (big IF) your goal is to be understood rather than to convince them.

Are you putting them on guard? Are you making them defensive? If you’re getting “pushback” the answer is, “Yes.  You are.”

There are too many classes on “How to Persuade”, and zero classes on “How to be Understood.”  Google it and see for yourself.

Wrong goal, wrong target.

The goals to persuade or to convince create a very different strategy than if your strategy is to be fully understood.

Tactics stream from strategy.

Wrong strategy equals wrong tactics.  You won’t easily recover.

The right strategy disarms them, creates TRUST and amazing collaboration.  The wrong strategy makes them defensive, argumentative and causes them to withdraw from you.

It’s a crazy world where everyone is trying to convince everyone else (check out any political discussion), and yet we live in so little understanding.

The ability to create real understanding is the super power.

Ask Beatriz.  She hasn’t had a difficult conversation since she landed on the winning strategy. 

Be the cause!