Causative [kaw’-zuh-tiv], adjective:  Making what you want HAPPEN. Being able to cause your intended effect or outcome at will.

When did we first stop being causative? Well, if it didn't happen sooner, it probably happened for most of us when we started school and were told to sit down and be quiet … for hours and hours at a time.

They told us exactly where to sit.  We weren’t allowed to leave that seat.

They made us ask permission for everything, including leaving the room.

If we did something without permission, we were bad.  It didn’t matter if it was right.  It was automatically bad if it was done before asking for and receiving permission first.  Even if it was just standing up to stretch.

If we wanted to talk, we had to raise our hand and wait to be called on. Raising your hand was dangerous because the teacher was asking a question that had one “right” and many “wrong” answers and when we were wrong, it was very public. Where I went to school, not many hands went up (usually the same ones over and over).  We became skilled at avoiding eye contact with the person in the front of the room (something I still see today in my corporate workshops).

We weren’t allowed to talk to each other, only the one person in front of the room.

Everything we did was graded and compared to what everyone else did. Smarter than him but not as pretty as her.

We were graded based on one person's opinion of us, a person who often didn’t understand or like us.  A person we thought was paid to be critical of us.  To find every flaw.

Most of us did not get straight A’s. We were always falling short on something.  Grades could easily make us feel that we were mediocre. Few were happy the day they got their “report card” and some hid them from their parents.

 We were severely restrained from being causative.  For years.

Below is my sixth grade report card. I felt totally betrayed by it. I worshiped my beautiful red-haired 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Zinn. I did everything I could in my power to try to please her.

As you can see, she hand-wrote “Talks too much” and checked the “Improvement is necessary” box for that item 6 semesters in a row, and then, in the last semester, finally exploded with her opinion that I annoyed others. To my knowledge she was the only one I annoyed. I don’t recall ever annoying anyone else.

My adored Mrs. Zinn did everything she could to get me to stop talking. Fortunately, she didn’t have much success. Neither did the long train of other teachers who came after her. I've been a rebel all my life and it's been quite impossible to make me sit down and “behave” according to the “Sit down and be quiet” standard of good behavior.

Perhaps someone might still think I talk too much, but now I get paid for it.

I kept speaking up and embraced it as my profession, delivering workshops and coaching executive communications. I make a living from talking, and from helping others communicate successfully. I don’t even know how many thousands and thousands of people I’ve coached, from insecure early-in-career to best-in-class professionals to CEO’s.

The one trait Mrs. Zinn tried the hardest to suppress became my greatest strength, the source of not only my wonderful career, but also the greatest moments of joy in my life, both professionally and personally.

My point, however, is that many people were successfully silenced. For years.

Large corporations continue this trend. I see it every day.  Constant judgment.  Constant evaluation.  Pecked to death by feedback, very competent corporate professionals and even executives are constantly seeking approval and permission to speak up. To speak to their boss about a raise, to ask for what they want, to tell people what they really think, to communicate their deeply held beliefs, to tell others what they really need. They try and, at the slightest sign of displeasure, they too easily withdraw, sit quietly and let the meeting simply move on.

They’re overly concerned about what others think of them, constantly asking, “What did you think?”  Never able to give themselves an A+.

Afraid to say the wrong thing and create a negative perception or reaction. Even worse, it's been so long since they really spoke up, they’ve forgotten how. So, they’re awkward when they try. They overthink it, they’re overly careful, too weak and indirect, or they explode with too much pent up force and energy and overwhelm the other person by being unfriendly, too forceful, too aggressive, too explosive. And then they actually do upset the other person and make it unpleasant for both of them.

They don't know how to speak up and build a relationship at the same time. Mostly they're afraid that speaking up will be destructive. So they hold back. I had one person even today say, “I don’t want to bring it up again because he’s my boss - I know what he thinks.  He just wants to be done discussing it and I don’t want to argue with my boss.”

It’s not hard to get out of this trap.  It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve held yourself back. 

I want to pass on to you something I've learned from many years of delivering workshops and from coaching many very smart people to develop the communication skills they need to get what they want, to shape reality into what they really want:

Speak up.

Stop raising your hand and waiting for permission, because no one's going to give you any. You don’t need a license to communicate. Being causative means you are the source of your own permission.

Don’t deny it to yourself just because other people have been doing exactly that to you for years.

Do it gently but firmly, in the friendliest possible way, but speak up. Truly, make it friendly. You don’t have to stop being friendly just because you’re speaking up. So, make it very friendly. And speak up. I always make sure I am filled with affinity for the other person and that I’m acknowledging them when I’m speaking up about a touchy subject. That alone makes all the difference in the world to how the conversation turns out.

I had a situation where the VP Global Legal & General Counsel of a major international corporation cancelled one of our programs because he didn’t like our license and didn’t see any hope of our coming to an agreement. I was told, “This was discussed with the CEO and senior leadership. The decision has been made and it’s final.”

He works in Boston, 3,000 miles away. I spoke up and managed to get a phone call scheduled directly with him. I did a little research on him ahead of time and discovered he’s been a successful trial attorney for over 30 years. Clearly not an easy guy to persuade to change his mind. It would have been easy to be angry or outraged by what he did, to dislike him. But even before I met him, I deliberately looked for and found many things to like about him from his LinkedIn profile, and I approached the call with my mind solidly on the things I truly liked and admired about him. He on the other hand, clearly did not feel the same way about me. When he got on the phone his first words were, “This is going to be a very short conversation, less than 5 minutes. Decision’s been made.” We hung up 2 hours later.

The conversation had gone so well, he was willing to keep talking and we had 2 more phone calls and came to a beautiful understanding and agreement regarding the license, not to mention a surprisingly wonderful and lasting long-distance friendship.

At the end he said, “You really made this happen. You did not descend into anything adversarial. I was surprised by how pleasant you are. You managed to keep it an open line. We listened to and respected each other. I went from wanting to dismiss you and suddenly found myself wondering ‘Is it possible this problem could be solved?’ And we found a way! How great is that?!”

Then he paid me one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He said, “I wouldn’t say you’re aggressive, but you’re a force.”

That’s what being causative is all about. Using your communications so you become a force for good without being adversarial or aggressive.

When the program was first canceled, 12 other people felt completely derailed by it and passionately shared my views, but they were afraid of “risking” their careers, so I was the only one who spoke up.

I never want to be the only one. That’s why I coach others. I want everyone around me to find their voice, for you to find yours. Speak up. Especially in those parts of your life where you don’t feel powerful, where you feel like you have not been being causative, about those topics where you feel like you’re at the mercy of the other person or the situation.

Show up.  Speak up.  Acknowledge them.  Continue to speak up.  Keep going.

I guarantee you that if you spend one day, the whole day, and then a week, and then another week, truly speaking up, magic will happen in your life and, at the end of each day, you'll fall asleep knowing you have a voice. You’ll feel much more free, even liberated.

The power to transform any situation or any person begins with your ability to assume the cause role in your communications.

Be the cause!

PS By the way, I still passionately adore Mrs. Zinn and feel immeasurable gratitude to her. She introduced me to poetry and fanned a flame of love for it that burns fiercely in me. My introduction to poetry at such a tender age was a true gift and I love her for it.